American Idol Top 7: The Day I Fight Off Boredom

Wow. We're so pressed for time the judges don't even get a real entrance? Sad. And yet...we still run over into Glee's time slot. Good job, control room. Well, because you can't be bothered to give me a normal intro, I'm not giving you one either.

Goldilocks ("Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac) - Eh. I actually spent this performance reading about Joanna Pacitti. Why, you ask? Because this was boring. I don't like Fleetwood Mac. And I don't like Goldilocks standing around, playing the guitar and bleating like a sheep. What's that you say? He walked around this time. Oh good. I was wrong - that four feet made all the difference.

My Favorite Paint Salesman ("The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel) - Oh MFPS. I don't like Simon and Garfunkel either. But I kind of like this song, because it's fun to say "psshhhh" after "lie la lie." And although I enjoyed this performance (as I am wont to do) I spent most of the time looking around the stage to figure out what instrument makes that sound. I'm disappointed - because I don't see anything that I can buy online at Musicians Friend. But at least you're wearing a new color of shirt. So there's that.

SIDEBAR #1: I got home from the gym too late to vote (Yes, sometimes I do that. Don't worry - I spiked my protein shake with some rum. It's important to retox after the detoxing.) but I swear, if America pulls another Daughtry and sends my favorite rocker home before the finals, I am going to do something drastic.

Gazpacho Fauxfron ("Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls) - Once I tried to sing "Slide" at a karaoke bar. Those songs are deceptive. They start all nice and low and you think "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." You know, you're like that violinist who nodded with quiet pride during some bars of rest at the top of the song. And then it goes to places you don't want it to go. But then you do a shot and it's ok. Or at least you don't mind that you actually can't hit those high notes at all. This performance was just like that. Except it didn't go anyplace at all. But the shot I just had helped a bit.

The Infant ("I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly) - Uh...you've been singing this song since you were five, because you're what now? Twelve? You make me feel old. Especially when you continue to wear those Members Only lookalike jackets. But let's focus on the big elephant in the room. An R. Kelly song performed by a kid who has barely hit puberty? Oh gentle irony. (And A. Kelly, Seacrest? No.)

SIDEBAR #2: I actually had to rewind to see what the infant was doing with his hands. For a second I thought he was flashing a purity ring. But no. It was just a weird way of telling people to vote for number four. Sad.

The Screamer ("When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston) - Oh come on. Are there butterflies on your shoulder? Oh god, they're all over you. I used to think butterflies were moderately fun - but that was when I also enjoyed the rest of the magnets on my grandma's fridge. Don't even get me started on your weird friends. Or that performance. Because it was lame. Boring. And I'm tired of your games and your whiny excuses after the judges give you less than glowing critiques.

Big Poppa ("Hero" by Chad Kroeger) - Ha. Nickelback. On Idol. I love it. OK, make fun of Nickelback as much as you want (because there's a lot to make fun of), but they have more fans than Hannah Montana. Seriously. They were ranked as the 11th best selling music act of the 2000's (thanks Wikipedia). And this is a pretty good song. And a decent performance. I like Big Poppa and I'm glad he's around. For the most part.

SIDEBAR #3: So do we think they will actually send someone home tomorrow night? Or will they go through the motions of making people stand up and then make Ginger think she's headed home a la Jordin in 2007? I'm thinking they'll have an elimination as planned, provided the last place finisher isn't Ginger or MFPS.

Ginger Vitis ("People Get Ready" by The Impressions) - Ginger, here's what I have to say. I would like to hear you sing something modern. I know, I know, we had Elvis week and Beatles week and you were kind of limited then. But this song is from 1965. Also? You should have done this whole song a capella. I'm still on board (it's a good thing I don't need a ticket, because all I have is this gin rickey), but I need something more than you breaking down at the end of a song and then being interrupted by my TiVo --

And now we're watching Jimmy Fallon and his crew Glee it up to "Livin' On a Prayer." Actually, I'm enjoying this more than writing about Ginger. Let's call it a night.

BOTTOM THREE: (They didn't call out the bottom three at the previous IGB episodes...we'll see if they do this year) Goldy, Screamer, Gazpacho
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: Gazpacho

Tomorrow night: Star studded. Or something. I don't see Kelly on that list. So I don't think I care. But it's better than the Breast Cancer Three Day, so I'm more likely to part with some of my hard-earned drinking money.