American Idol Top 9: The Day the Contestants Attempt (and Fail) To Give Their Peers Better Nicknames Than I Do

So, the question for tonight is "Will this episode be as poor as the two previous Beatles episodes?" I think we get a bit of foreshadowing when instead of answering simply "no" when Ellen jokingly asks if Lennon & McCartney wrote "Party In the USA," Seacrest responds seriously that it was "one of our mentors," implying two things: 1. That Hannah Montana actually had any part of writing that song and 2. That her position as mentor puts her on par with the other two. Sure. I'm going to have to do some shots really fast. Pardon me while I cut some limes.

Yoda (?) ("The Long and Winding Road") - I actually had to look up this song to be sure Dionne Warwick never did a cover of it. But midway through my research, I fell asleep. And then I was rudely woken up with that scratchy last note. Not good news, Mini.

Beyonce, Apparently ("Let It Be") - Look Rory, don't you remember that Barefoot Potbelly sang this a few years ago? Don't you remember how the people loved it? Sigh. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS?!? Ugh. A good performance and a decent outfit for once. Fine. I won't vote for you (or go to prom with you) but I'll give you that this week.

SIDEBAR #1: Who knew Kara's going to be performing solo in concert for the first time ever this weekend? I'm curious. So if you're in Atlantic City this Friday or Saturday, go nuts. Tell me how it is.

Goofy Gangsta Gokey ("Can't Buy Me Love") - I swear I've heard this before. No wait...I've just heard every Maroon 5 song there is. And I like Maroon 5 more than this song/performance, so I'm going to focus instead on the fact that you are wearing a polo shirt with the top button buttoned. What is that? It's bad enough with the neck tattoo, do you have to rock the gangsta look even harder? Sigh. When will you children learn?

Lynche Mob ("Eleanor Rigby") - Careful BP...David Cook rocked this. Sure, your arrangement is different. Generally, I liked it. But I liked the India.Arie last week way better. Less theatrics, more singing, ok, please? And don't listen to the Dawg attempt to compare this to Glee. Keep Glee where it belongs. Not on the Idol stage.

SIDEBAR #2: Of course I don't need limes to do shots. What kind of drunk do you think I am? I just like the smell.

Why Did You Just Make Me Think of Carly Smithson? ("Come Together") - OK, I'm back on board. This was the perfect amount of Jewel-rock. I could practically hear you tell me to fill my life with love and gravy - and that's what I want from you (well, except for you to get rid of your stupid white girl dreads). Just don't let the judges keep Mindy Doo-ing you right into third place. P.S. Carly, I miss you. I think we can all now see that your performance just needed a didgeridoo.

Smiles Fauxfron ("All My Loving") - Maybe now's a good time to talk about how our departed Mullet Bieber chopped the hair, got some clothes that fit and wound up on a Big-Brother-esque web show. Let's take a look at him now:


Huh. You managed to get rid of the two things that made me give you a nickname. Good for you, Lambert. Wait, what? Oh right, Smiles was singing, wasn't he? Sure, it was fine. I wouldn't mind having that playing on my ipod in the background while I'm doing something more interesting. Good for you too, Smiles.

SIDEBAR #3: Bones! I love that show! I'd like to think David and Emily watch the Idol of their own volition and weren't forced to show up tonight. I really would. But their faces suggest otherwise. Oh well.

Goldilocks ("Jealous Guy") - I have a hard time thinking of TSW as a soap star or something when tonight he looks so much like Bucky Covington. And what's with the white coat? Ooooooooooh. A cello! Don't ruin this Rickey. Let the guitar keep going with the cello. Please. No band. (God, I wish the i-Tunes version would sound like this, but I can almost guarantee it won't be.)

...holding breath...

Thanks for that, Rickey. Thanks for showing some restraint for once. While I don't love the bleating lamb vibrato of TSW's voice, I will get behind this performance 100%.

Interestingly Weird ("Across the Universe") - In.Comp.Re.Hens.I.Ble. What the hell are you wearing?! Are you kidding me?! I'm not even listening to you (and not just because your performance blows tonight). If this were 1995, you would totally have been one of those chicks who wore jeans under their tie-dyed floor length skirts, with rainbow striped socks and ratty Birkenstocks. (God, if someone finds this page while searching for ugly sandals, I don't know what I'll do.) I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. Judges, stop talking about artistry, and let's talk about what's real here: the vocal was way too yawny - not sleepy - yawny. That's what happens when you take low notes into your head and they resonate in your cheeks.

SIDEBAR #4: Really? Are we going to keep clapping for the weird girl because she won't change for the people? Oh don't cry. We get it. You march to your own drum. Eh.

SIDEBAR #5: Earl. Nice Ed Grimley hair.

My Favorite Worrywart, Even With Bagpipes ("Hey Jude") - Danny Gokey babies, Ginger? I'd like to think that means you've read this blog. If so, then hi! And if not...well, you should. But I digress. With the exception of a few bum notes at the beginning and...why is there a bagpipe? And why is he in full regalia? Oh whatev. Lee, you finally acted like a rock star, and I like it. when the song starts, we will clap. When you count us in, we will sing along. When wayward Scotsmen wander in (thanks for the imagery, Ellen), bathed in green light, we will ignore it as much as possible - but we will support you. Keep it up, chief.

TOP THREE: WDYJMMTOCS?, Goldy and MFWW,EWBP
BOTTOM THREE: Smiles, Yoda? and GGG

SHOULD GO: Interestingly Weird (because it's not so interesting)
WILL GO: Smiles? Yoda? Man, I don't know this week. But I do know that I'm out of Patron. Damn.

TOMORROW: Rhianna, Jason Derulo (oh good, more vocoder) and Archtastic. Yeah, that all goes together.