American Idol Top 9 Results: The Day That, Frankly, Wastes My Time

Man it's really hard to come up with an intro and a title that don't give anything away. Because for all of the drama tonight, this episode was actually kind of boring. Oh wait. Every results show is long and drawn out and boring. Seriously, give it to me in a half hour and include one cameo from someone that has something to do with Idol. Except Archtastic. He's boring. Oops. Looks like I let something slip out before the jump after all. Sorry.

GROUP SONG: I hate most of these songs. (I know.) But what I hate even more are the black and white outfits. Ginger should not be wearing go-go boots.

CAMEOS: I hope McPheever's pilot doesn't get in the way of a cameo this season. Also, I love her new album. Shut up.

Derulo - I don't understand any part of your outfit, especially the weird hat sitting on top of your head. Did you buy it at Party City? It likes a homemade bedazzling job. As does the rest of your outfit. Damn kids. Decent singing. Better than Usher last week. but what's with the weird camera stuff? Producers - it's not a music video. Stoppit.

SIDEBAR #1: We can only use pyro so many times before it gets old. Two weeks in a row? Almost too much.

Archtastic - Yawn. I was bored two years ago. I'm bored now. I take it back - I would pay money for the pyro to go off and shake things up. and come on. White skinny pants and deck shoes? You made a little money from that record, didn't you?

SIDEBAR #2: I could really get behind an 80's week and a 90's week. I would love to hear some Wilson Phillips. A little "Hold On" would be better than this snoozefest.

Rihanna - Uh...does Rihanna seem a little bored? Those were the lamest hang bangs I've ever seen. Plus, I'm pretty sure Glambert wore that outfit last season. And are those girls on the platforms...what are those, some kind of orbital sanders? Wait...is she pretending to play the guitar? By just running the pick up and down the strings? Oh god. I have no idea what's going on here. It's a good thing this performance was obviously pre-taped, because the judges would not be pleased with this.

BOTTOM THREE: Oh the groups. Both of these groups would be kind of shocking as the bottom three. (I love how the audience claps for people to join both groups, sure their side is safe.) I'm going with stage left...

And I would be right. (2 out of 3 for last night's predictions...I'll take it. Even if I had no idea who's going home.) Tim's look of amazement gets better and better every week. I also enjoy the new hair we've seen this week.

RESULTS: Lynche Mob? Boo. That's not cool. But this is the best example of someone busting out the money song (and I'll admit I criticized this a bit the first time, because I'm such a huge fan of the Kate Bush version and never really got into Maxwell's falsetto nonsense) when it really counts. OK judges, now's your chance...

Nice. See you next week, BP. Along with Glambert mentoring (what?) and performing the only song of his I've ever enjoyed. Probably in a kilt or something. Ok then.