American Idol Top 9 (Week Two): The Day Elvis Rolls Over In His Grave

Wassup, Seacrest?

Oh come on. That's not the way to start things off. Nor do I agree with the concept of comparing Elvis with freaking WickedRaverSiriano. Let's not forget that I've been to Graceland twice.

Wait. There's so much to talk about right now, we don't even have time for sidebars:

A. WRS's hair
B. Seacrest singing Whatya Want From Me (why does he feel the need to sing something EVERY FREAKING WEEK?!)
C. Matthew Morrison in the audience wearing an inexplicable fedora
D. Seacrest's assertion that his tongue is not as talented as WRS's (you know, by singing)

And damn - Elvis didn't have a favorite drink. Some sources say screwdrivers, some say black velvet. Some even say he didn't drink alcohol. I don't like any of these sources. All right, we'll go with...Kentucky Rain. Makers it is.

Ginger Vitis ("Saved") - Dawg, you are like a broken record. But then again, I would be too. This was a great performance, an unfamiliar song (in a good way), and a nice change from the mellow/rock the Ginger's been showing us so far. But seriously...are we just going to keep Mindy Doo-ing it up here, or do you actually have a chance to win this thing?

SIDEBAR #1: And Jane Lynch!!!

Gangsta Gokey ("Hounddog") - I'll accept Wicked as a mentor if you keep telling people they're boring. GG - you need to watch out. Remember what happened last week when you put your "spin" on things? Because, yeah, this was "different." It just wasn't "great." (It wasn't karaoke, Dawg, but you're right - it wasn't good.) Especially the bridge - what was that? Really. What was it?

SIDEBAR #2: Uh...GG family? Putting the Drew Carey glasses logo on a piece of poster board is not the best marketing ploy I've ever seen.

Abs Fauxfron ("I Can't Help Fallin' In Love") - Nope. Wicked just lost me. There's no reason to have everyone sing that freaking high. It may work for you (except it doesn't always) but not all singers should try to hit notes meant for women. But I digress. Killer guitar - picking that consistently is not easy. And I like the variations on the melody (thank you for not falsetto-ing, dude), even if Abs has some difficulty going back and forth between the high and the low stuff. (Maybe Michael the music director should try to teach Abs about phrasing. No? Just a thought.) Now learn to have some emotion when looking at the camera, and I'll forgive your crazy hair. Because the vocals are getting there.

SIDEBAR #3: Roughneck's here?! And dancing? How did I miss that?

My Favorite Worrywart ("A Little Less Conversation") - Yeeeeeeessssssss. I would buy this right now if i-Tunes didn't make me wait until tomorrow. But let's talk America. We don't need another Daughtry situation, do we? Can you please do your part and vote?

MiniSituation ("Blue Suede Shoes") - Uh...no. When you are 12 and tiny, and wear jackets with gigantic collars, you are not allowed to sing this song. Sure, sure, it's uptempo, it's different that the snoozers you usually trot out. But no. Not for you.

SIDEBAR #4: I love a passarel as much as the next guy. But do we all need to use it? Going into the audience does not mean they're going to vote for you.

Screaming Pompador ("Suspicious Minds") - Ugh. This is in my top 5 songs ever. Do. Not. Piss. Me. Off...

NOOOOOOOO. DID YOU REALLY JUST SCREAM AND ASK FOR A BIG RUBATO TRUMPET ACCOMPANIMENT?!

No. Not that I was ever into this disaster, but especially at the beginning of the song it really dawned on me that maybe Screamer isn't actually that good of a singer. She can't sing slow, she can't sing soft, she can't sing low. All. She. Does. Is. Scream. Stoppit. STOPPIT.

SIDEBAR #5: You have to label yourself a little - otherwise where do they put you in the CD section at Target?

SIDEBAR #6: Dunkleman? Oh that was mean, Seacrest. Thumbs down.

Big Poppa ("In the Ghetto") - Yup. That was worth the save. An awesome song, and a kick ass performance. Dude, it's the ballads that the people want. Give it to them. If the Giraud Effect (tm) kicks in, you should be safe for another week.

Rory Waldorf ("Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do") - Props for not letting a smile slip through. The vocals were fine, the sass was fine (with the exception of neck moves), but there's still something missing. Like you could have gone maybe a third higher at the end, but stopped short - probably because you actually can't sing that high. Here's the problem - when you're singing, I should have moments when I say "Oh man, she's not gonna hit that no...wait! She did it!" Not "Come on...just a little higher...oh well."

SIDEBAR #7: Do you think they're being speedy with the critiques because Jane Lynch will kick some ass if they run over into Glee?

Goldilocks ("Lawdy Miss Clawdy") - Oooh. Rough start. Like in the wrong key rough start. But once the band kicked in, this wasn't too bad. Was it worthy of the clean up position? No, probably not. The sheep bleat just isn't working for me. Get that vibrato under control, chief.

BOTTOM THREE: MiniSitch, Gangsta, Screaming Pompador
SHOULD GO: Pompador
WILL GO: Gangsta

Tomorrow Night: WickedRaverSiriano doing Whatya Want From Me (ok), Barefoot Potbelly duetting with some dude from If I Can Dream (Justin Gaston - also Miley's ex, I hear), and probably some wretched Elvis group number. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.