So I was watching Samantha Who while waiting for Idol to finish (the DVR is a necessity for all Idol viewing) and fell asleep. Then I woke up and rewound and watched the end of Christina Applegate and her hijinks with Jennifer Esposito. And then I decided that I needed a full-on nap and slept on my couch until 10. That's how little I cared about tonight's elimination episode.
GROUP SONG: Did this seem like an afterthought? It was really strangely edited - like they didn't have time for rehearsal or something. And what was with all the retrospective photos? Opry week didn't get that kind of love. My only thought was that Lil should try singing her solo songs as well as this.
JUDGMENT: Man, WickedRaverSirianoIsaak's feet must be huge. It looks like he's walking around in bozo shoes.
CAMEOS: Something about the Joss/Smokey harmonies just weren't right. I like them both - separately.
Ruuuuuuben is still a good time. I feel bad that he hasn't had a better career. (I thought he lost a bunch of weight though...was that someone else?) Although it was a good performance, I'm really creeped out about the fact that Seacrest wiped the excessive sweat of Ruben's bald head with his bare hand. Ew.
Stevie rocks. Just like always. It's a shame that Napoleon can't see what a blind piano performance SHOULD look like. Stevie always looks like he's having a good time. And I think I need to learn the harmonica. Luckily, his blindess saved him from witnessing Kara's inane hand on the heart posing/sing-a-long.
RESULTS: Are you kidding me, America? Dueling Bubles in the bottom 2? Booo. Booooooooo. Roughneck deserved to go, but this was all a little too close for comfort for my liking. I'll try to ramp up my voting next week, but I can't do it all on my own. It's a good thing I was well rested, because I spent at least ten minutes shaking my fist at the tv. And that's a good aerobic workout.
NEXT WEEK: My Tivo cut off right after Simon delivered his "You're going home" after the oh-so-authentic judges debate about whether to save poor Roughneck. Anyone know what next week's theme is?
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Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Idol Top 10: Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing
Ok kids, it's time to settle down with a nice glass of wine. And when I say "nice," I mean "cheap." And when I say "glass," I mean "bottle." Because if anything is going to drive me to drink, it's tonight's performance episode. Seriously.
Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.
Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.
OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.
Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.
Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.
Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.
OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?
Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?
WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.
Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.
OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.
I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie
COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)
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Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.
Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.
OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.
Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.
Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.
Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.
OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?
Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?
WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.
Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.
OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.
I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie
COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)
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Thursday, March 19, 2009
Idol Top 11 Results: In Which Carrie Is Attacked By Fashion
Last night I got my eyes dilated about 30 minutes before watching the results show, so sitting down and typing out a recap wasn't going to happen. Instead I chose to focus on my new bottle of mango infused vodka (refreshing with a nice splash of lemonade).
GROUP SONG: I'm glad a Travis Tritt made it onto the show this year. I was worried that with no true country singers in the cast that his down home mullett-y good times would be ignored. Oh, but then they started singing - and we learn that Travis Tritt is not meant to be performed by a co-ed ensemble. I did my best to block out the singing (although the harmonies during the girls' verse were nice) and the step touch and focus on the fact that Napoleon's piano WAS NOT MIC-ED. That's right kids, the cool piano licks you heard? Not played by him. So now he's got a ghost pianist in the band. Awesome. Let's keep fooling America as long as we can, ok?
JUDGMENT: Two nights in a row of semi-normal glasses for DWDJr. But this brings to mind the question - just how many pairs does he own? Is he spending his weekly allowance on frames?
CAMEOS: Love to Brad Paisley, but couldn't he rock something a little harder for Idol? A weepy ballad is not the way to drive record sales.
I think it's nice to bring out former Idols. It shows the current cast just how it should be done - and how much they are seriously lacking. But I worry. Who is going to pull out the Kenley Collins Hair Feather(TM) so they can be more like Carrie? (My bet is on WickedSiriano.) Since I don't like to make fun of Carrie, I will say that I enjoy the new haircut, enjoy the song, but wonder why Randy actually needed to be there? What did he sing? Like 24 bars? Clearly it was transposed to hit Carrie's money notes, so if it's too high for you, man, just sit there and play the guitar. None of us will mind. In fact, we'll feel better not thinking that the two of you are in love. (Randy's looking old, dawg.)
RESULTS: Roughneck dodged a bullet, huh? Apparently the people love him. Next week, I fully expect him to come out waving an American flag. I'm only a little sad that Jane had to go...my Manic Panic stock is going to plummet.
NEXT WEEK: Did Seacrest sound a little mad at the President for preempting the Tuesday show? I think he did. Maybe he really likes to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights.
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GROUP SONG: I'm glad a Travis Tritt made it onto the show this year. I was worried that with no true country singers in the cast that his down home mullett-y good times would be ignored. Oh, but then they started singing - and we learn that Travis Tritt is not meant to be performed by a co-ed ensemble. I did my best to block out the singing (although the harmonies during the girls' verse were nice) and the step touch and focus on the fact that Napoleon's piano WAS NOT MIC-ED. That's right kids, the cool piano licks you heard? Not played by him. So now he's got a ghost pianist in the band. Awesome. Let's keep fooling America as long as we can, ok?
JUDGMENT: Two nights in a row of semi-normal glasses for DWDJr. But this brings to mind the question - just how many pairs does he own? Is he spending his weekly allowance on frames?
CAMEOS: Love to Brad Paisley, but couldn't he rock something a little harder for Idol? A weepy ballad is not the way to drive record sales.
I think it's nice to bring out former Idols. It shows the current cast just how it should be done - and how much they are seriously lacking. But I worry. Who is going to pull out the Kenley Collins Hair Feather(TM) so they can be more like Carrie? (My bet is on WickedSiriano.) Since I don't like to make fun of Carrie, I will say that I enjoy the new haircut, enjoy the song, but wonder why Randy actually needed to be there? What did he sing? Like 24 bars? Clearly it was transposed to hit Carrie's money notes, so if it's too high for you, man, just sit there and play the guitar. None of us will mind. In fact, we'll feel better not thinking that the two of you are in love. (Randy's looking old, dawg.)
RESULTS: Roughneck dodged a bullet, huh? Apparently the people love him. Next week, I fully expect him to come out waving an American flag. I'm only a little sad that Jane had to go...my Manic Panic stock is going to plummet.
NEXT WEEK: Did Seacrest sound a little mad at the President for preempting the Tuesday show? I think he did. Maybe he really likes to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights.
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Idol Top 11: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
I was really ready for tonight to be a Texas-sized disaster (you know, like the practice of burying meat in the ground and then calling it BBQ), but it wasn't terrible. Here is my one complaint from every season's country night: put away the damn steel guitar.
That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.
Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.
Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.
OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.
Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.
Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.
WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.
OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.
Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.
OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.
Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.
BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.
Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood): Ugh. Why this song? Boring. No, it's OK. Ooh, I wish the orchestra wasn't coming in with those whiny strings. And the backup singers. I wish they would go away. They ruin everything. GLISS! OK, I'm totally buying this - ANOTHER GLISS! That was a seriously kick-ass performance. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah, I go nuts for a good gliss. But when you throw two in there? Well it doesn't get better than that. And nice that after my second viewing of this performance, we are all treated to Kara crowing "There is nothing small about you!" Oh my.
OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck
P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.
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That's right - unless one of the contestants is planning to be a country artist, the steel has no business in the arrangement. Do you hear me, Rickey? They're trying to make these pop songs, and you are not helping.
Roughneck (Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up - Garth Brooks): This is an awesome song. It's even more awesome if you can understand the words. The voice teacher in me got angry and wrote OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH and then spent the entire song underlining it. Plus he breezed right through the awesome slide up to the money note which is the best part of the song. I'm skeptical, Roughneck. Skeptical.
Charo (Blame It on Your Heart - Patty Loveless): OK, you've all wanted me to be nicer to Little Miss Charo. And now it's happening. I had been tired of all the blatant Glocksen-ing, but tonight Charo gave me something different - and I liked it. It says a lot when an Idol cover of a song that I already enjoyed immensely doesn't make me physically angry. You're not getting my vote this week, but you're getting a pass.
OBSERVATION #1: Seriously, why hasn't anyone talked to these backup singers? They're awful.
Tender Puppy (To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks): Props to Bob Dylan for writing a song that every artist known to man wants to cover. Still, I feel like this is kind of a cop out. Who hasn't sang this song? Since I already own five separate versions, including recordings by two Opry members and Kelly Clarkson, I'm not going to shell out 99 cents for you this week. It was nice - but I've spent the last 10 minutes singing "Tender Shepard" from Peter Pan, so maybe next time you go with something more memorable and Mraz-y. Don't make me feel bad for voting for you.
Lil Disappointing (Independence Day - Martina McBride): As soon as I heard the fateful words "I really wanted to stay faithful to the country music" I knew we were in for some bad news. Is this what all the hype was leading up to? Here's a thought: On a night when we're all already thinking about Carrie Underwood, maybe you don't choose her favorite song. I really hadn't written anything except "This would have been an ok R&B song" until Randy said the most asinine thing I've ever heard: "Man, you could have sung I Will Always Love You." What? WHAT?! That's the one song contestants should NEVER sing on country night. Because they will steal Whitney's version and will pay no respect to Dolly except for saying "It's a great song." (Ahem - Syesha - I'm talking to you.) And it's amazing that one three minute judges critique can make me lose all respect for Randy, and then gain even more for Simon for knowing about R&B groups covering John Michael Montgomery songs. In fact, Lil D, I'm so riled up (and annoyed at your incessant arguing) I've forgotten your performance. And hopefully, so has the rest of America.
WickedRaverSiriano (Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash): Oh come on. I'm with Randy Travis. This was weird. And creepy. And not good. I don't like the way you look at the camera when you're singing "it burns." I immediately wonder if you are talking about syphilis. (Note - I just looked up syphilis symptoms and there is NOTHING about a burning sensation. Now I am mad at you for your song and for ruining my commentary.) And while Randy was busy saying that you're current and young, I was busy underlining Simon's "indulgent rubbish" quote and following it with "Britney Spears would totally cover this song." And all of a sudden, everything becomes clear to me.
OBSERVATION #2: I miss Fringe.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Wild Angels - Martina McBride): Did anyone else notice that for 95% of this performance, the screens on the floor and back wall only showed Napoleon's hands? That's because there is NOTHING GOING ON IN HIS FACE. Dude, I know you can't see, but you look like a robot. And if you had any of the charisma of Billy Joel or Elton John, then I would let you slide by every week behind the piano. But no - I am agreeing with Paula. You need to break it up with a different performance - and that way, maybe America will understand that you need to be eliminated.
Jane Mancini (Jolene - Dolly Parton): I was worried for you, Jane. Brooke White did a knock out version of this last season, and it just seems too soon. But I actually enjoyed most of this blues-y version. Not too Dolly, not too White Stripes, it was just the right amount of Joss Stone jazz (although that falsetto note was not so great - way to make me write "ish" after the word "nice" in my notes). But wait - the judges want you to be more dirrty? THAT'S SHOCKING. They're not going to be happy until you bust out some XTina and wear a nude bodysuit covered in rhinestones are they? My advice: lose the pink, dye it all red, and give us a little less Jane and a little more Sydney. It doesn't get dirtier than that.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood): Stop trying to inspire me DWD. And tuck in your shirt. This was better than when La Kisha made a big ol' country mess of it a few years ago, but I'm still only focusing on the fact that this week's glasses are a lot more normal than in past weeks. Thank you.
OBSERVATION #3: Yes, I remember a lot of the performances from the past seasons, especially if I downloaded them. But sometimes they just sound familiar and I have to look them up. God love the internet.
Slumdog Idol (You Were Always on My Mind - Willie Nelson): Guess what? Willie Nelson? Not in the Opry. Which makes this cheating. Because so far, I haven't been able to find proof that Johnny even recorded it - I think he just played the guitar for Willie on VH-1 Storytellers. (Which brings about the question, why isn't Willie a member? Is he just too high for the Opry?) Anyway. I started to like this song at first...I even thought maybe I'd buy it on the I-tunes. And then it just turned way too All-4-One for me. You know, the guys who covered the aforementioned JMM tracks "I Swear" and "I Can Love You Like That." Do people still go for that John B vibe? I'm not so sure.
BlondBjork (Walking After Midnight - Patsy Cline): How is it that there has been no tattoo backlash a la Carly? Is it because we don't see a boyfriend in the audience who has a completely inked-in face? Interesting. Wait. Right. Song. Um, sure this was good. And the voice sounded strangely like Katie Neidenbach's when she came in from a long night of drinking and smoking at the Pike house. Which is why it was perfect that the judges got all Dr. Barton and asked her to keep it. (He actually told all of us to keep our sick voices, which just goes to show...well, nothing really. But it's good to know he's not alone.) I'm wondering if the sexy dress and the raising of the roof are enough to keep you around for one more week.
Howl At the Moon: (So Small - Carrie Underwood):
OBSERVATION #4: Are men's necklaces back in? Was there some sort of memo?
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil Dis
WILL GO: Roughneck
P.S. Special thanks to MJ for posting the order and the correct song titles, so I didn't have rely on Seacrest to tell me the real titles.
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Thursday, March 12, 2009
Idol Top 13: My Life Would Suck Without Kelly
As I was driving home at 12:15 last night, all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I perservered for you people - I wouldn't want anyone to go without their second weekly dose of vitriol. Sadly, I'm not that angry about last night - but don't worry - I can always summon up a little bit of angst when it counts.
GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)
Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.
JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.
CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.
Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.
RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)
NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?
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GROUP SONG: This could have been a disaster - as soon as everyone jumped off the couch, I started to worry: Where's the chair for Napoleon to sit on? How is he going to dance? Is he just going to wander around like a lost puppy? Luckily, no one fell off the stage (a real concern with this group), but don't think I didn't notice Menudo singing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG than everyone else. (How do I know this? Everyone else is sustaining a long note, and his mouth keeps moving - fast - what's Spanish for "watermelon"?)
Don't even get me started about the DWDowney Jr. dance break. I half expected everyone to gather around him in a circle chanting "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!" as if he were Tiffany and Teddy doing the humpty dance at homecoming (ah, high school in the 90's). However, what is acceptable (and awesome) when one is 17 and in a darkened cafeteria is not acceptable when one is 28 and on national television. Remember that, kids.
JUDGMENT: I can tell that Chuck Taylors are going to be the bane of my existence this season. Well, that and the ever-changing colors of DWD's glasses. Come on, dude. Come on.
CAMEOS: So I started to fast forward right after Kanye decided to bend down and blind me with the backlight. And then I pushed pause for a second. What is that in his back pocket? Is that a...towel? Is he planning on getting that sweaty during a three minute song? And why is he dressed like a reject from The Outsiders? Sorry, Ponyboy - I'm fast forwarding to the end.
Kelly, I love you. And while we're on the subject, let me take a moment to plug the new cd - especially tracks #2, #4, and #5. Anyone who wants to try and judge the original American Idol, go ahead. I'm not going to do it.
RESULTS: Yeah, that sounds about right. At least, it matched my prediction. Although this "Sing For Your Life" nonsense is just another cruel way to make mediocre singers think they have a second chance. Did HSM3 really think she was up to JHud standards? Is Menudo the Latin Daughtry? Oooh. Suspenseful. (As if the judges are really going to waste their ONE Get Out of Jail Free card on you two.)
NEXT WEEK: Will the producers decide there are just so many awesome MJ songs that they'll extend the category for another week a la BeatlesGate 2008? Will Lil Disappointing (thanks Jeremy) ever live up to the hype? Will Napoleon continue his (guided) Sanjaya march to the top 10? And how long before WickedRaVeRSiriano becomes a spokesperson for ProActive?
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Idol Top 13: Burn This Disco Out
It was really hard to muster up the urge to watch tonight's Michael Jackson extravaganza. After all, I spent my entire ride home from work singing "I Do Not Hook Up" at the top of my lungs. That's right, I bought the new Kelly Clarkson cd this morning. Then again, last week I bought Phil Stacey and Ace Young cds for $2.50 each at Circuit City's clearance sale just to see how bad they could be. So I'm 1 for 3 on good Idol purchases for this season.
That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:
I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.
Ready now? Great, I'll start over.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.
HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.
WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.
Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.
Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.
Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.
BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.
WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.
Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?
Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.
SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) Napoleon
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That's about the same percentage of songs I'll be buying from the I-Tunes tonight. Because a lot of people were much better than I expected, but when you get down to it, I just don't want to listen to their music. Starting with:
I KNOW SHE WENT FIRST AND TIVO CUT OFF THE RECAP, BUT DON'T FORGET SHE'S THE BEST SINGER EVER, SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER (The Way You Make Me Feel): Just to be clear, I'm not a huge fan. The various capital nicknames are all attributed to the producers' blatant pimping. But tonight IKSWFATCOTRBDFSTBSES really kind of faded into the background. Sure, when she was finished and a whole night of crap loomed in front of us, I figured the judges would be talking about her for the next two hours. And I bet she was counting on that too. But, oh guess what, IKSWF, everyone else didn't suck like you thought they would. So take your asymmetrical shirt from the Paula Abdul Steinmart collection and go listen to Mindy Doo's new album. Haven't heard it? Neither has anyone else. But that's what you're destined for: a number three finish. And PS, Memphis BBQ sucks.
Napolean Blond-O-Mite (Keep the Faith): OK, I'm the first to admit that my hair isn't looking stellar these days, but come on. Your excuse of not being able to see yourself in the mirror is gone. Can't the stylists do something about your Garfunkel madness? "But wait," you say, "it's a music competition, right?" All right then - you had a nice moment of falsetto, a decent modulation and I'm always a sucker for a good piano gliss. But your performance was so damn boring that I fell asleep and am chalking it all up to a bad dream. Stevie Wonder, you ain't.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. (PYT): Wow. I was really expecting a soulful "She's Out of My Life" or "The Lady In My Life" or "I Just Can't Stop Loving You." But this was a welcome surprise. And the winner of "The First Idol Single Micky Plans To Purchase" award. (I know, I still love Apost'ro'phe's Delilah, but it was a live version, so it's different.) There really wasn't a single part of this performance that I didn't like (and yes, that includes the dancing). Even your red Sally Jessy glasses worked with your red shirt. But then in the end, you had to ruin it by showing us that your sleeves were not only turned inside out, they're ripped at the wrists. I will allow THIS ONE SLIP UP, STYLISTS. Do you hear me? Don't do it again.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): Wow, it's pretty harsh to have to follow Downey. But at least your wife is still around. I'll pause to let everyone boo at my poor taste.
Ready now? Great, I'll start over.
Roughneck (You Are Not Alone): While this performance was all well and good, I decided it was more fun to count the number times the camera zoomed in on your daughter and her Vote For My Daddy t-shirt. Cute. But you know what would have helped? If you'd make sure the background of the shirt was an American flag. Give the people what they want. Because what they do not want is a Richard Marx wannabe. They want a country Roughneck. See: Josh Gracin.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Oooh Simply Orange. That reminds me. I'm out of tequila. Back in a few.
HSM3 (I'll Be There): Not only did I know that Randy would namedrop Mariah, I knew this was not going to be good news. I told someone earlier today that you needed to bust out some La Toya London, but that I had a feeling you were really going to be more Lisa Tucker (if you can imagine a "wah-wahn" sound right now, that will help set the mood). And if I let my inner voice teacher step out for a second, the shape of your mouth should not change in the middle of the word "there." It's only one syllable. Good job, Mississippi.
WonderBread (Remember the Time): Wait, what? Wife? Somewhere Jim Verraros is kicking himself for not thinking of that charade. Whatever. Even with your floppy John Mayer antics, this was a pretty kick ass performance. Randy hit it on the head when he likened you to Jason Mraz. And what can I say? I like Jason Mraz. Keep it up, and I'll keep voting for you.
Charo (Give In To Me): You're 16? I had no idea. Thanks to the judges for reminding us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. You know what? Tiffany got her start singing in shopping establishments as a teenager too. And look where she is now. It's up to you to decide if you want to go the "Celebrity Fit Club" route or the "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling " direction. Unless you decide to rock the full extent of your manic panic and show up on Sober House a la Nikki McKibbin. Yes, I'm being mean. And I don't care. Because I can only take so much blatant Gina Glocksen-ing before I want to rip my arm off and throw it at the tv.
Slumdog Idol (Beat It): It's not Top Energy, it's Top Chef. Oh, wait. My bad. But seriously, can you stop choosing songs just because you want to show everyone you have energy. We get it. Try choosing a song that shows everyone that you can sing. I want to like you, I really do. But your mediocre performances and that self-satisfied look at the end of your performance? Not good news. Not good news at all.
Menudo (Never Can Say Goodbye): Have I mentioned that Jackson 5 songs are a total cop-out? Lame. Way to sound like Marc Anthony. Or John Secada. Lame. Way to make every one of my notes end in the word "lame." And way to disappoint me by not having any patterns on the back of your jacket. I thought we were starting a new trend. Instead, we're just going to go with the Chuck Taylors, eh? And the Miami Vice sleeves? Lame.
BlondBjork (Rockin' Robin): Oh come on. I'm not even going to - well, at least you look hot.
WickedRaverSiriano (Black & White): Your voice is too high. It hurts my ears. Either that, or it's ALL THE SCREAMING. I don't know why everyone is so into you - I don't like your music. I wouldn't buy your cd. (And I buy EVERYTHING. Seriously, I even own a Fall Out Boy cd. And did you not read about the Phil Stacey/Ace Young debacle?) And I can't even bring myself to make fun of all the chains and the women's sweater and the fact that you look like a giant next to everyone else. And that's not a compliment.
Howl at the Moon (Human Nature): It's a shame that Napoleon can't see - this is how you perform while sitting at the piano. As I was looking on the I-Tunes to buy the single, I learned that HATM has two previously released cds. Anyone listen to them?
Jane Mancini (Dirty Diana): Um. When you look like you're 13, please don't wear that much bling. And remember to wear pants. And don't stomp around like a hooker waiting to get paid. I got Kara's "naughty" comment, but it was more "naughty" in the way that Dakota Fanning might act if she didn't get the cookies she wanted in her trailer. I can forgive the oversinging this week, and I've made my peace with the pink. But you slut it up on stage one more time? I'm done.
SHOULD GO: The Backup Singers (combined, still worse than any of the Top 13)
WILL GO: Menudo, HSM3 (or if America really wanted to make me happy) Napoleon
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Thursday, March 5, 2009
American Idol Wildcard Round: OK, sure.
Yeah, this was totally decided during the commercial break. The judges didn't have their favorites picked out in advance at all.
To save some time, let's list the good performances:
Matt
Ricky
And now let's list the bad performances:
Jesse
Von
Megan (Don't choose songs that remind me of my McPheever. You're not that good.)
Jasmine
Tatiana
Slumdog gets a pass, because well, I was bored after he botched that first low note and I fast forwarded.
The irony here is that I would also make similar lists for fashion judgment; except they would be switched around. (Skinny jeans, fedora, scarf...come on kids - did you take a page from the Johnny Depp playbook? You're not Johnny. You can't pull that stuff off.) Again, Slumdog gets a pass, because I'm pretty sure I own that polo shirt, and he deserves some props for not caring enough about what he looks like to just rock what he was wearing earlier today.
So although my picks were dead on (and I had a sneaking suspicion they'd pull out a fourth stool, but that didn't come until this afternoon in the middle of a very long wildcard discussion that devolved into talking about Lauren leaving the Hills - but I digress) I don't think that anyone but Howl at the Moon deserved it. But HSM3, BlondBjork and Slumdog were in it from the start. Even if one of them fell off the stage, I think the judges would have said something like "At least you fell off the stage like you - I know who you are as an artist. You are current, you're different, you're clumsy and I love it."
Oh whatever. Get ready for the finals. Top 13:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
Charo
WonderBread
WickedRaverSiriano
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME. EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED IF YOU DON'T AGREE.
Napolean Blind-O-Mite
Menudo
HSM3
BlondBjork
Slumdog Idol
Howl at the Moon
Joanna and Apo'strophe, I miss you most of all.
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To save some time, let's list the good performances:
Matt
Ricky
And now let's list the bad performances:
Jesse
Von
Megan (Don't choose songs that remind me of my McPheever. You're not that good.)
Jasmine
Tatiana
Slumdog gets a pass, because well, I was bored after he botched that first low note and I fast forwarded.
The irony here is that I would also make similar lists for fashion judgment; except they would be switched around. (Skinny jeans, fedora, scarf...come on kids - did you take a page from the Johnny Depp playbook? You're not Johnny. You can't pull that stuff off.) Again, Slumdog gets a pass, because I'm pretty sure I own that polo shirt, and he deserves some props for not caring enough about what he looks like to just rock what he was wearing earlier today.
So although my picks were dead on (and I had a sneaking suspicion they'd pull out a fourth stool, but that didn't come until this afternoon in the middle of a very long wildcard discussion that devolved into talking about Lauren leaving the Hills - but I digress) I don't think that anyone but Howl at the Moon deserved it. But HSM3, BlondBjork and Slumdog were in it from the start. Even if one of them fell off the stage, I think the judges would have said something like "At least you fell off the stage like you - I know who you are as an artist. You are current, you're different, you're clumsy and I love it."
Oh whatever. Get ready for the finals. Top 13:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
Charo
WonderBread
WickedRaverSiriano
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME. EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED IF YOU DON'T AGREE.
Napolean Blind-O-Mite
Menudo
HSM3
BlondBjork
Slumdog Idol
Howl at the Moon
Joanna and Apo'strophe, I miss you most of all.
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American Idol 25-36: Results (No more headbands!)
It's hard to get riled up when things happen pretty much as you expect them to. Then again, when you expect things to be stupid and they are, there's still room for anger. I just can't decide where to direct it.
THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME was pretty much a given, so I'm glad they "revealed" it to us right away.
NAPOLEON BLIND-O-MITE (thanks, Erin) isn't actually that good of a singer, chooses poor songs, and is only passable on the piano. But, did you hear? He's BLIND! He can't see anything at all, the music just moves his soul - and mountains. I'm disappointed that all of America appears to have contracted Marlee Matlin syndrome and has left out a number of people that are better singers. Disappointed...but not surprised. (If there is a silver lining here, maybe there will be fewer group dance numbers. Or else they'll just make him do turns on a chair like they did tonight, while everyone runs circles around him. Awesome.)
And while we're on the subject of awesome, can we get rid of Blindy's brother? If I have to see his floppy hair and crazy smile one more time, I might throw something at my tv. You know he's going to walk out there with a homemade cardboard sign at some point. There are plenty of other people on stage - one of them can help him to his Ikea stool.
MENUDO was good and all, but let's retire that song from Idol, ok? They sing it every year, and it doesn't ever get less annoying. It's like they're pleading for votes, and all it makes me want is the sun to come down on them - very hard. And the fact that it got you in over my boy Apos'trophe, well, that just makes me hate it more.
And let's review the other members of the Top 12 before we get on to this wildcard nonsense, because the producers WILL. NOT. LET. US. FORGET. THEM.
WEEK 1:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
WEEK 2:
Charo
WonderBread (number one in the race for the Archtastic Blah award)
WickedRaverSiriano
Does anyone think this looks like a winning group? No? Me neither.
WILDCARD NONSENSE
I was hoping that Jamie was right and that they'd stack the deck for women in the wildcard round. Because really - 2/3 men in the top 9? Not cool. Half of the voters are 11 year old girls who vote for Siriano because he's cute and apparently looks like Robert Whatshisname. These are the same girls that ALMOST LET DAVID ARCHULETTA WIN. They can't be trusted.
On the upside, my first two weeks of wildcard picks were spot on, with the unexpected, yet not unwelcome presence of Bette Davis Eyes. But she has some stiff competition with HSM3, BlondBjork and When Rabbit Howls. Wait - scratch that. I refuse to believe that the judges would actually put WRH into the Top 12, no matter how well she does tomorrow. Sad for Faux-anna Pacitti, because she definitely deserved another chance way more.
And I'm also sad for Apostrop'he, because he deserved to be in the finals way more than THAT KID WHO SINGS REALLY LOUD. Tight pants, Slumdog Idol and Dueling Timberlakes were pretty expected, but LOUD? Not so much.
Ok, prediction time. I think we need more women, so I'm going 2-1, on the assumption that no one royally sucks it up:
HSM3 (Jasmine)
BlondBjork (Megan)
Slumdog Idol (Anoop)
and if one of the chicks blows it
Dueling Timberlakes (Giraud)
And there we have it. See you tomorrow.
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THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME was pretty much a given, so I'm glad they "revealed" it to us right away.
NAPOLEON BLIND-O-MITE (thanks, Erin) isn't actually that good of a singer, chooses poor songs, and is only passable on the piano. But, did you hear? He's BLIND! He can't see anything at all, the music just moves his soul - and mountains. I'm disappointed that all of America appears to have contracted Marlee Matlin syndrome and has left out a number of people that are better singers. Disappointed...but not surprised. (If there is a silver lining here, maybe there will be fewer group dance numbers. Or else they'll just make him do turns on a chair like they did tonight, while everyone runs circles around him. Awesome.)
And while we're on the subject of awesome, can we get rid of Blindy's brother? If I have to see his floppy hair and crazy smile one more time, I might throw something at my tv. You know he's going to walk out there with a homemade cardboard sign at some point. There are plenty of other people on stage - one of them can help him to his Ikea stool.
MENUDO was good and all, but let's retire that song from Idol, ok? They sing it every year, and it doesn't ever get less annoying. It's like they're pleading for votes, and all it makes me want is the sun to come down on them - very hard. And the fact that it got you in over my boy Apos'trophe, well, that just makes me hate it more.
And let's review the other members of the Top 12 before we get on to this wildcard nonsense, because the producers WILL. NOT. LET. US. FORGET. THEM.
WEEK 1:
Dead Wife Downey Jr.
Jane Mancini
Roughneck
WEEK 2:
Charo
WonderBread (number one in the race for the Archtastic Blah award)
WickedRaverSiriano
Does anyone think this looks like a winning group? No? Me neither.
WILDCARD NONSENSE
I was hoping that Jamie was right and that they'd stack the deck for women in the wildcard round. Because really - 2/3 men in the top 9? Not cool. Half of the voters are 11 year old girls who vote for Siriano because he's cute and apparently looks like Robert Whatshisname. These are the same girls that ALMOST LET DAVID ARCHULETTA WIN. They can't be trusted.
On the upside, my first two weeks of wildcard picks were spot on, with the unexpected, yet not unwelcome presence of Bette Davis Eyes. But she has some stiff competition with HSM3, BlondBjork and When Rabbit Howls. Wait - scratch that. I refuse to believe that the judges would actually put WRH into the Top 12, no matter how well she does tomorrow. Sad for Faux-anna Pacitti, because she definitely deserved another chance way more.
And I'm also sad for Apostrop'he, because he deserved to be in the finals way more than THAT KID WHO SINGS REALLY LOUD. Tight pants, Slumdog Idol and Dueling Timberlakes were pretty expected, but LOUD? Not so much.
Ok, prediction time. I think we need more women, so I'm going 2-1, on the assumption that no one royally sucks it up:
HSM3 (Jasmine)
BlondBjork (Megan)
Slumdog Idol (Anoop)
and if one of the chicks blows it
Dueling Timberlakes (Giraud)
And there we have it. See you tomorrow.
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009
American Idol 25-36: I Still Have Feelings For Molly
Because, the real question is, will anyone be talking about Idol tomorrow morning, or will we continue to spend all of our time at the water cooler discussing the douchebaggery of The Bachelor? Because when I pushed the stop button on my Idol viewing tonight and went back to live tv, Jason had his arm around Molly and they looked awfully chummy as Chris gave them the tent from the camping episode.
And all this does is prove that I also watch The Bachelor. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment.
VON SMITH (aka That Kid Who Sings Really Loud): Could anyone else tell that he really wanted to let loose and belt out that entire song. Snaps for fighting against that urge. Red shoes aside, this wasn't bad. But I couldn't help wondering where I'd heard this song before. And then I remembered: Kelly sang it on season 1. (No, I'm not saying he shouldn't have sung this song - Kelly does not own it - I just have no idea who sang it originally aside from her.) But because Von decided to make that stupid phone sign with his hand, I am going to listen to the 1:38 recording of Kelly's performance just to be spiteful.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA: This was so boring that I let my mind wander. Why does Alicia Keys insist on forcing two words to share one syllable? I would now like to point out that "I" and "ain't" are two separate words. And while we're on the subject (and to save me from complaining about it later) "what I feel for you" sounds too much like "what I'm feel for you" which then leads me to wonder if she's also combining the "ing" in feeling with "for" to make the sentence grammatically correct. Then again, maybe I'm trying to give Alicia too much credit - she's always going to be the person that stole the Grammy from India.Arie, and in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to give up grudges.
ALEX W-T: Well, the judges pretty much covered all of my notes (Why are you growling?) so I'll focus on telling America not to vote for the second coming of TAYLOR HICKS. Dude is Teen Angel now. Are you happy America? (Was anyone else creeped out when AW-T sang "thunder under the cover"? Ew.)
Observation #1: Here's a good time to take a survey: why do the backup singers suck so royally this year? I wonder if I would have been less hard on Charo if her backup had been as good as Carrie's.
ARIANNA AFSAR: Sad. I wanted to like her. But Meryl Streep performed this song better. And that's not saying much.
JU'NOT JOYNER: From the Wikipedia: "In current English usage, contraction is shortening of a word, syllable, or word group by omission of internal letters." Which makes me wonder - what letters are supposed to be between the U and the N? For example, my friend Maria-Alicia decided it would be fun to go by M'Alicia. See what she did there? Makes sense. Ju'Not does not make sense. (Nor do the handcuffs you are inexplicably wearing on your belt loop.) Whatev - this was a good performance. I voted for you four times and I bought in on the I-Tunes (my first purchase of the season). You're welcome.
KRISTIN MCNAMARA: This is not a good song for Idol. (Although I love the song and even enjoyed Jordin's performance from years ago, she really dodged a bullet.) Tracy sings like six notes in the whole song - and changing keys every verse is just cheating. And this is coming from a man who wells up for a really good key change. But I will give you a pass, Stretch Pants, because you got rid of the manic panic, which means I had at least one week with no kool-aid red hair to look at.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL (aka Olivia Piercing Headband): Is America ready for you? No. At least, I'm not ready for you. Since your performance was complete crap (but your grandma likes it!), and Simon stole my joke (my note read "I have a hard time believing there's something you won't do for love"), I am only left with the look. Sigh. I suppose I could get past the American Apparel deep v-neck - wait, no I can't. It looks like you're wearing a tank top. That, combined with your preposterous use of headbands (why? why?!?!), is the reason that Simon compared you to Olivia Newton John (not Elton John, Randy - although I wouldn't put it past that dude to wear headbands). My only other question: who were you pointing at when you were singing?
FELICIA BARTON (aka Fuax-anna Pacitti): I'm having a hard time accepting you, but I'm trying. Your voice has an interesting Natasha Bedingfield quality - you know, where it's not actually a "good" voice, per se, but there's something about it that's pleasing to the ear. I'm not sure what it is.
Observation #2: Ricky and the band suck this year too. Let's hope when the band is no longer hidden behind a screen, they won't sound so much like the karaoke machine at a Chinese restaurant.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: I'm not feeling it. I don't like this song. (What the hell is Bruce Hornsby saying?) Do I think you move mountains? No. But it was better than I thought it would be. The only way you could get more sympathy votes is if you'd sang God Bless America.
KENDALL BEARD: Speaking of, Kendall should have taken a page from the Krappy Lee Suck playbook and sang God Bless the USA. She would have literally sailed into the Top 12, quite possibly on an American flag. But since she chose to be your regular average blond country Idol contestant (i.e. Carrie, Pickler, Krappy Lee) and sing a Martina McBride song, she's going to have to hope that the Nation of Underwood wants a country singer in the Top 12 bad enough to make the calls. I'm thinking it's not going to happen.
JORGE NUNEZ: I'm sorry that my character map doesn't have a capital ñ key for me to spell your name correctly. I'm also sorry that you can't see what would make you a shoo-in for the Top 12: sing some Ricky Martin. There has never been a Latin Idol. Find your niche - otherwise you're just a few months away from performing in a Mexican tour of Spam-a-lot. Yes, this performance was good, but I don't think you're moving any mountains either.
THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, NO REALLY, YOU MUST LOVE HER, SHE MIGHT BE THE SECOND COMING (aka Lil Rounds): Really? The closing spot? It's almost as if the producers are telling us to vote for you. Shocking. Don't you worry. Even though I barely understood a single word you sang (it's called "diction"), America has been waiting to make up for their past transgressions, and Syesha was way more Vonzell than JHud. Welcome to the Top 12. (P.S. Don't think I didn't notice you AGAIN changing the lyrics to the song to pimp yourself out to the voting public. Lame.)
TOP TWO: Lil & Scott (although I think Ju'Not deserves it more)
#3: Felicia or Jorge
WILD CARD PREDICTIONS
From Week 1: Braddy (Tight Pants), Anoop (Slumdog Idol)
From Week 2: Jasmine, Giraud (Howl at the Moon), Megan Joy
From Week 3: Ju'Not (Apostrophe), Arianna (Shiny Button), Kristin
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And all this does is prove that I also watch The Bachelor. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment.
VON SMITH (aka That Kid Who Sings Really Loud): Could anyone else tell that he really wanted to let loose and belt out that entire song. Snaps for fighting against that urge. Red shoes aside, this wasn't bad. But I couldn't help wondering where I'd heard this song before. And then I remembered: Kelly sang it on season 1. (No, I'm not saying he shouldn't have sung this song - Kelly does not own it - I just have no idea who sang it originally aside from her.) But because Von decided to make that stupid phone sign with his hand, I am going to listen to the 1:38 recording of Kelly's performance just to be spiteful.
TAYLOR VAIFANUA: This was so boring that I let my mind wander. Why does Alicia Keys insist on forcing two words to share one syllable? I would now like to point out that "I" and "ain't" are two separate words. And while we're on the subject (and to save me from complaining about it later) "what I feel for you" sounds too much like "what I'm feel for you" which then leads me to wonder if she's also combining the "ing" in feeling with "for" to make the sentence grammatically correct. Then again, maybe I'm trying to give Alicia too much credit - she's always going to be the person that stole the Grammy from India.Arie, and in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to give up grudges.
ALEX W-T: Well, the judges pretty much covered all of my notes (Why are you growling?) so I'll focus on telling America not to vote for the second coming of TAYLOR HICKS. Dude is Teen Angel now. Are you happy America? (Was anyone else creeped out when AW-T sang "thunder under the cover"? Ew.)
Observation #1: Here's a good time to take a survey: why do the backup singers suck so royally this year? I wonder if I would have been less hard on Charo if her backup had been as good as Carrie's.
ARIANNA AFSAR: Sad. I wanted to like her. But Meryl Streep performed this song better. And that's not saying much.
JU'NOT JOYNER: From the Wikipedia: "In current English usage, contraction is shortening of a word, syllable, or word group by omission of internal letters." Which makes me wonder - what letters are supposed to be between the U and the N? For example, my friend Maria-Alicia decided it would be fun to go by M'Alicia. See what she did there? Makes sense. Ju'Not does not make sense. (Nor do the handcuffs you are inexplicably wearing on your belt loop.) Whatev - this was a good performance. I voted for you four times and I bought in on the I-Tunes (my first purchase of the season). You're welcome.
KRISTIN MCNAMARA: This is not a good song for Idol. (Although I love the song and even enjoyed Jordin's performance from years ago, she really dodged a bullet.) Tracy sings like six notes in the whole song - and changing keys every verse is just cheating. And this is coming from a man who wells up for a really good key change. But I will give you a pass, Stretch Pants, because you got rid of the manic panic, which means I had at least one week with no kool-aid red hair to look at.
NATHANIEL MARSHALL (aka Olivia Piercing Headband): Is America ready for you? No. At least, I'm not ready for you. Since your performance was complete crap (but your grandma likes it!), and Simon stole my joke (my note read "I have a hard time believing there's something you won't do for love"), I am only left with the look. Sigh. I suppose I could get past the American Apparel deep v-neck - wait, no I can't. It looks like you're wearing a tank top. That, combined with your preposterous use of headbands (why? why?!?!), is the reason that Simon compared you to Olivia Newton John (not Elton John, Randy - although I wouldn't put it past that dude to wear headbands). My only other question: who were you pointing at when you were singing?
FELICIA BARTON (aka Fuax-anna Pacitti): I'm having a hard time accepting you, but I'm trying. Your voice has an interesting Natasha Bedingfield quality - you know, where it's not actually a "good" voice, per se, but there's something about it that's pleasing to the ear. I'm not sure what it is.
Observation #2: Ricky and the band suck this year too. Let's hope when the band is no longer hidden behind a screen, they won't sound so much like the karaoke machine at a Chinese restaurant.
SCOTT MACINTYRE: I'm not feeling it. I don't like this song. (What the hell is Bruce Hornsby saying?) Do I think you move mountains? No. But it was better than I thought it would be. The only way you could get more sympathy votes is if you'd sang God Bless America.
KENDALL BEARD: Speaking of, Kendall should have taken a page from the Krappy Lee Suck playbook and sang God Bless the USA. She would have literally sailed into the Top 12, quite possibly on an American flag. But since she chose to be your regular average blond country Idol contestant (i.e. Carrie, Pickler, Krappy Lee) and sing a Martina McBride song, she's going to have to hope that the Nation of Underwood wants a country singer in the Top 12 bad enough to make the calls. I'm thinking it's not going to happen.
JORGE NUNEZ: I'm sorry that my character map doesn't have a capital ñ key for me to spell your name correctly. I'm also sorry that you can't see what would make you a shoo-in for the Top 12: sing some Ricky Martin. There has never been a Latin Idol. Find your niche - otherwise you're just a few months away from performing in a Mexican tour of Spam-a-lot. Yes, this performance was good, but I don't think you're moving any mountains either.
THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, NO REALLY, YOU MUST LOVE HER, SHE MIGHT BE THE SECOND COMING (aka Lil Rounds): Really? The closing spot? It's almost as if the producers are telling us to vote for you. Shocking. Don't you worry. Even though I barely understood a single word you sang (it's called "diction"), America has been waiting to make up for their past transgressions, and Syesha was way more Vonzell than JHud. Welcome to the Top 12. (P.S. Don't think I didn't notice you AGAIN changing the lyrics to the song to pimp yourself out to the voting public. Lame.)
TOP TWO: Lil & Scott (although I think Ju'Not deserves it more)
#3: Felicia or Jorge
WILD CARD PREDICTIONS
From Week 1: Braddy (Tight Pants), Anoop (Slumdog Idol)
From Week 2: Jasmine, Giraud (Howl at the Moon), Megan Joy
From Week 3: Ju'Not (Apostrophe), Arianna (Shiny Button), Kristin
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