When I got home at 6:45, I came upon a disastrous sight: my cable box was not on. Just imagine - if I hadn't gotten home in time, and had relied on the gods of Tivo to magically record my Thursday night shows, well, you lucky people wouldn't get to experience my full-on Idol wrath.
Speaking of wrath: It seems that my criticism of Charo's (Iraheta) song choice sparked some controversy today. So let's just lay it all out on the table. It's common knowledge among Idol aficionados that some songs should not be touched, because they will draw immediate comparisons to the Idol contestant that originally rocked it. Here's a short list:
Alone/Crying (Carrie Underwood)
Natural Woman/Stuff Like That There (Kelly Clarkson)
Hemmorhage (Daughtry)
Proud Mary (Trenyce)
Solitaire (Clay Aiken)
Superstar (Ruben Studdard)
All By Myself (La Toya London)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Katharine McPhee)
Circle of Life (Jennifer Hudson)
In a Dream (Bo Bice)
Summertime (Fantasia)
You Give Love a Bad Name (Blake Lewis)
I Who Have Nothing (Jordin Sparks)
My Funny Valentine (Mindy Doo)
Dance With My Father (Tamyra Gray)
Do I Do (Mario Vasquez)
Yes, there may be others. You may not agree with all of the songs on this list. Or you may be mad that your favorite contestant is not represented. Hell, some of my favorite contestants aren't on the list (I still miss you, Carly!). Whatever - if you sing Alone (Gina Glocksen, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson) you deserve to be compared to Carrie. And it will not be a favorable comparison.
Then there are songs that just need to be retired because of the sheer number of singers who attempt and fail to rock. I Don't Wanna Be and Take a Look at Me Now fall into this category. Anything by Whitney, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jacson and Mariah are also here (unless you can bring out something new like Cook and Castro did on Carey night last season).
Now I'm sure there will be some arguments (or attempts at arguments). But this is my Idol commentary, which means that I know more about Idol than you do. And the fact that I'm listening to a nice mix of Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner and Christina Christian right now should be enough proof for you.
And now that I've thrown down, let's get to tonight's results.
GROUP SONG: Jason Mraz? Good for a group song. Ne-Yo? Not so much. I like this song a lot, but these kids did it no favors. Especially with WickedSiriano mugging for the camera the entire time and Normal/Whatever His Name Is forgetting the words. And is it just me, or was last week's group a lot more coordinated when it came to the dancing? This bunch looked like a big group karaoke performance at a frat party.
JUDGMENT: Much less deplorable fashion tonight, even though there were a few skinny jeans (and one Daisy Dukes) sightings. (I'm going to stop complaining about Siriano now, because it's just going to get old.)
CAMEOS: Oh Barefoot Potbelly - I can't say I missed you. I now remember how much you annoyed me. But for your sake, I wish that the piano was on a revolve, because it looks like you neck hurt from trying to sing to the camera and the rest of the audience.
RESULTS: Charo and WickedSiriano (God I want to call you Fallout, but that name was taken last year; other good suggestions have been "Falsetto Jagger" and "David Cook: The Musical!" I'll let you all be the judges) were pretty much locks, but I appreciate the final suspense of wondering whether I was going to get up and kick America's ass.
And I'll happily concede that I didn't ever think that WonderBread would make an appearance in the top 12 this soon. He seems like he's actually pretty good. I think last night was just an aberration - so I'm ok with the results.
Potential Wildcard singers (based mostly on previous judge pimping, not on actual talent): Mishavonna, Jesse, Megan Joy, Giraud and Jasmine. With Slumdog and Tight Pants in the running from last week, that brings our total to eight - and we've heard that there may only be 8-9 contestants in the Wildcard round, so next week should be interesting.
Speaking of next week, we finally get to see SHE WHO CAN SING ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND AS A RESULT PEACE WILL RULE THE LAND (sorry, Lil Rounds), the Drama Queen and that Kid Who Sings Really Loud. Come to think of it, they all sing really loud. Awesome.
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Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Cooking With Love...and Alligator, Apparently
(Top Chef: finale recap)
What the? Who? Where now?
Before tonight, I could only see two scenarios: the one where Melonhead wins and everyone is mad and I threaten to never watch again, and the one where Hootie wins and my neighbors are the only ones who are mad because I am cheering loudly at 11:30pm. In no way did I think Canned Crab had it in him. But really, it's the perfect end to a season where most of the viewing public has spent many a Wednesday night throwing their hands in the air.
OBSERVATION #1: Kitchen Confidential rules. Just FYI.
Hootie Hoo!: If I knew how to make Hootie doing animal impressions be my screen saver, I would. In a heartbeat. But that's where the joy ends. Hootie, you were SO CLOSE! I think the judges were really rooting for you. But then stupid SECOND PLACE CASEY shows up and all of a sudden you throw the love out the window? Hootie, you know better than that.
OBSERVATION #2: Can they say "twat" on TV? Bravo's really pushing the slang limit these days. Seriously, it's worse than One Tree Hill.
Canned Crab: Well, good for you. But I was thinking...what would I do if I won $100,000? I'm pretty sure I'd just pay off my student loans and be done with it. I do not want CC to go and start some seafood restaurant, because you know he will. And I do not want him to show up in Dr. Pepper commercials next season. How could a chef win when all he was good for was MAKING OUT WITH OTHER CHEFS?
OBSERVATION #3: I love Gail. She was totally falling out of her dress by the end of the night and she totally didn't care. Never go away again, Gail, OK?
Melonhead: OK, I guess I'll look at the silver lining. But I wanted Hootie to win more than I wanted you to lose. And you winning would have MADE SENSE. But coming from a dessert background (no, I don't make lots of desserts...I eat lots of desserts, whenever possible) your little dessert plate was sad. And what's with all the pigeon this season? Can we make a no squab rule next year?
OBSERVATION #4: Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to blast Toby Young. My favorite part (aside from the fact that his voice got all high and squeaky when he was arguing for Melonhead's dessert plate) was that Padma didn't even bother to ask him if he had decided - because he tried to tangle with Tom and Gail, and you know who is going to win that fight. (Actually, in reading his blog on bravo.com - I'd link, but why bother - he makes it clear that he disagreed with the choice, so she probably did ask him, and his response was something whiny and childlike - but not in a cute way.)
So what have we learned this season?
1. Toby Young is a douche.
2. Gail is the best.
3. Always cook with love.
4. Never listen to Casey.
5. Choosing a team and naming it is not the way to win.
6. Before trying out, learn how to butcher meat. And bone fish. And maybe how to skin an eel.
7. Make only one soup and one scallop dish in the course of the season.
8. And if you break that rule, don't make identical dishes back to back.
9. Don't cook frozen food. Ever.
10. Everyone should learn how to make at least five awesome (and different) desserts. And pull them out whenever you need an extra edge.
Here's hoping that next season will be less of a wash. And here's hoping that Andy Cohen's reunion hosting skills won't be too annoying next week. And that we won't focus on "the kiss" for too long.
Hootie Hoo!
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Before tonight, I could only see two scenarios: the one where Melonhead wins and everyone is mad and I threaten to never watch again, and the one where Hootie wins and my neighbors are the only ones who are mad because I am cheering loudly at 11:30pm. In no way did I think Canned Crab had it in him. But really, it's the perfect end to a season where most of the viewing public has spent many a Wednesday night throwing their hands in the air.
OBSERVATION #1: Kitchen Confidential rules. Just FYI.
Hootie Hoo!: If I knew how to make Hootie doing animal impressions be my screen saver, I would. In a heartbeat. But that's where the joy ends. Hootie, you were SO CLOSE! I think the judges were really rooting for you. But then stupid SECOND PLACE CASEY shows up and all of a sudden you throw the love out the window? Hootie, you know better than that.
OBSERVATION #2: Can they say "twat" on TV? Bravo's really pushing the slang limit these days. Seriously, it's worse than One Tree Hill.
Canned Crab: Well, good for you. But I was thinking...what would I do if I won $100,000? I'm pretty sure I'd just pay off my student loans and be done with it. I do not want CC to go and start some seafood restaurant, because you know he will. And I do not want him to show up in Dr. Pepper commercials next season. How could a chef win when all he was good for was MAKING OUT WITH OTHER CHEFS?
OBSERVATION #3: I love Gail. She was totally falling out of her dress by the end of the night and she totally didn't care. Never go away again, Gail, OK?
Melonhead: OK, I guess I'll look at the silver lining. But I wanted Hootie to win more than I wanted you to lose. And you winning would have MADE SENSE. But coming from a dessert background (no, I don't make lots of desserts...I eat lots of desserts, whenever possible) your little dessert plate was sad. And what's with all the pigeon this season? Can we make a no squab rule next year?
OBSERVATION #4: Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to blast Toby Young. My favorite part (aside from the fact that his voice got all high and squeaky when he was arguing for Melonhead's dessert plate) was that Padma didn't even bother to ask him if he had decided - because he tried to tangle with Tom and Gail, and you know who is going to win that fight. (Actually, in reading his blog on bravo.com - I'd link, but why bother - he makes it clear that he disagreed with the choice, so she probably did ask him, and his response was something whiny and childlike - but not in a cute way.)
So what have we learned this season?
1. Toby Young is a douche.
2. Gail is the best.
3. Always cook with love.
4. Never listen to Casey.
5. Choosing a team and naming it is not the way to win.
6. Before trying out, learn how to butcher meat. And bone fish. And maybe how to skin an eel.
7. Make only one soup and one scallop dish in the course of the season.
8. And if you break that rule, don't make identical dishes back to back.
9. Don't cook frozen food. Ever.
10. Everyone should learn how to make at least five awesome (and different) desserts. And pull them out whenever you need an extra edge.
Here's hoping that next season will be less of a wash. And here's hoping that Andy Cohen's reunion hosting skills won't be too annoying next week. And that we won't focus on "the kiss" for too long.
Hootie Hoo!
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American Idol 13-24: More E-Trade Baby
I wish that someone would take these broken wings and learn to fly again. I know it's sad when I fast forward through the performances and watch the commercials, but that baby is hilarious. If this is how the entire season is going to go, I'm going to need a lot more vodka.
JASMINE MURRAY: Well at least Jasmine started a trend. Once she chose a song poorly everyone seemed to fall in line.
MATT GIRUAD: And then Matt added his own twist to the proceedings: way too much vibrato. Doesn't anyone have any control over their voice. Come on.
JEANINE VAILES: I have a feeling there's a reason that we haven't seen you sing a SINGLE NOTE until tonight. (I actually had a really mean sentence here, but I think it's too early to show my true colors.) I don't think America has seen enough of you to give you another chance, so I won't kick you while you're down.
NICK/NORMAN: You're a joke. Go away.
ALLISON IRAHETA: This is one of those songs that should have been retired after the first time that Carrie Underwood blew it away. All I could think the entire time was "Not Carrie. Not Carrie. Not Carrie." Because it wasn't. It was loud. Too loud. And get a real haircolor, kid.
KRIS ALLEN: Ho hum...
MEGAN JOY CORKREY: OK, I like a nice font as much as the next guy (well, probably more than the next guy, especially if it's a nice sans serif - but I digress), so I hope that Megan goes back to her typesetter. Because, oh look, it's another bad song choice with too much vibrato. Awesome.
MATT BREITZKE: Tonic? Really? OK then.
JESSE LANGSETH: Did anyone else know that this chick is Johnny Lang's sister? Does anyone care? No? Me neither. Tread softy...Because you do not sing a song covered by my favorite Gwyneth and expect to get away with it. Thank the sweet lord JLang sounded more Kim Carnes-y, otherwise I would have been seriously angry instead of mildly peeved.
JUSTIN GUARINI: Wait, what? Who? Kai Kalama? Nope, I got nothin.
MISHAVONNA HENSON: Well Train covers never turn out to be better than the original...which isn't really saying much. But if I have to choose a favorite tonight, this is it. Eh.
ADAM LAMBERT: Although I enjoy visiting the Hot Chicks with Douchebags site for my daily dose of tool-dom, I prefer that they stay silent. I do not want them singing on my TV. I especially do not want them SCREAMING ON MY TV. I had actually gotten really close to a good nap during the last few songs, and this just ruined it. And it's really not fair that I had to open my eyes to witness the hardcore douchebaggery going on from your Christian Siriano'ed hair to your unlaced Army Surplus boots. And don't think I didn't notice the fingerless gloves. Boo.
People that got my votes: the people who make Ketel One.
Every fiber of my being wishes that I could pretend this week never happened. Instead, I'd like to watch the results show tomorrow to find that Slumdog Idol (Anoop) and Elliott Lite (Braddy) got more write in votes than anyone else. And Mishavonna can stick around, because she annoys me the least (but still a little bit with the floppy hat she insists on wearing everywhere). Sadly, I doubt that will happen. So if I have to make a prediction...
TOP TWO: Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta
#3: Mishavonna/Justin/Matt
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JASMINE MURRAY: Well at least Jasmine started a trend. Once she chose a song poorly everyone seemed to fall in line.
MATT GIRUAD: And then Matt added his own twist to the proceedings: way too much vibrato. Doesn't anyone have any control over their voice. Come on.
JEANINE VAILES: I have a feeling there's a reason that we haven't seen you sing a SINGLE NOTE until tonight. (I actually had a really mean sentence here, but I think it's too early to show my true colors.) I don't think America has seen enough of you to give you another chance, so I won't kick you while you're down.
NICK/NORMAN: You're a joke. Go away.
ALLISON IRAHETA: This is one of those songs that should have been retired after the first time that Carrie Underwood blew it away. All I could think the entire time was "Not Carrie. Not Carrie. Not Carrie." Because it wasn't. It was loud. Too loud. And get a real haircolor, kid.
KRIS ALLEN: Ho hum...
MEGAN JOY CORKREY: OK, I like a nice font as much as the next guy (well, probably more than the next guy, especially if it's a nice sans serif - but I digress), so I hope that Megan goes back to her typesetter. Because, oh look, it's another bad song choice with too much vibrato. Awesome.
MATT BREITZKE: Tonic? Really? OK then.
JESSE LANGSETH: Did anyone else know that this chick is Johnny Lang's sister? Does anyone care? No? Me neither. Tread softy...Because you do not sing a song covered by my favorite Gwyneth and expect to get away with it. Thank the sweet lord JLang sounded more Kim Carnes-y, otherwise I would have been seriously angry instead of mildly peeved.
JUSTIN GUARINI: Wait, what? Who? Kai Kalama? Nope, I got nothin.
MISHAVONNA HENSON: Well Train covers never turn out to be better than the original...which isn't really saying much. But if I have to choose a favorite tonight, this is it. Eh.
ADAM LAMBERT: Although I enjoy visiting the Hot Chicks with Douchebags site for my daily dose of tool-dom, I prefer that they stay silent. I do not want them singing on my TV. I especially do not want them SCREAMING ON MY TV. I had actually gotten really close to a good nap during the last few songs, and this just ruined it. And it's really not fair that I had to open my eyes to witness the hardcore douchebaggery going on from your Christian Siriano'ed hair to your unlaced Army Surplus boots. And don't think I didn't notice the fingerless gloves. Boo.
People that got my votes: the people who make Ketel One.
Every fiber of my being wishes that I could pretend this week never happened. Instead, I'd like to watch the results show tomorrow to find that Slumdog Idol (Anoop) and Elliott Lite (Braddy) got more write in votes than anyone else. And Mishavonna can stick around, because she annoys me the least (but still a little bit with the floppy hat she insists on wearing everywhere). Sadly, I doubt that will happen. So if I have to make a prediction...
TOP TWO: Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta
#3: Mishavonna/Justin/Matt
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Thursday, February 19, 2009
Hello Gail! or Hootie Takes the Cake!
(Top Chef: Episode 13 recap)
We'll get to the Hootie and the Hoo in due time. But first let's talk about the most important elimination tonight. I like to imagine Gail calling up Tom and Padma the night before the flight to New Orleans. "Hey guys, how are you? My honeymoon was great, thanks. Listen, I hear you're doing the finale in New Orleans. Mind if I tag along?" And then I imagine Padma calling Toby and saying "Toby, please pack your notebook of pithy British phrases and go." And then we hear Tom yell in the background (because I like to imagine that they all party together away from judges table) "Don't let the door hit you in the ass, you pretentious douche!" And Gail laughs because she's drunk, just like always.
Things are just as they should be.
OBSERVATION #1: I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to watch Idol without Top Chef to temper my mood afterwards. But I did just get Kitchen Confidential (the failed sitcom with Bradley Cooper and Nicholas Brendon from a few years ago) DVDs in the mail today, so maybe that will help.
QUICKFIRE TWIST: Rainbow Brite's new haircut was nice. I'd like to introduce T*ts to some product. Or a scrunchy, because I don't actually know that much about women's hair products. But I do know about scrunchies.
I'm glad that Keanu got another chance, but part of me wonders if the producers told them he had to win so they could have another chance to film him changing shirts. And damned if he didn't change his shirt in the bathroom, while the camera guy waited outside. Ha!
OBSERVATION #2: Crawfish are creepy. Seriously creepy.
Hootie Hoo!: Oh Hootie. I can feel the love through the TV screen. I'm sorry I made fun of you in my very first recap. And probably my second and third. Your drink sounds strangely like my current favorite concoction of cranberry, Simply Lime, 7up and vodka. I know you don't like vodka - and I forgive you for it - because it makes me feel that we have something in common and that makes me happy. If you open a restaurant, I don't care where it is. I'm going.
Fabio: You know, I'm actually a little sad to see you go. But it took you far too long to come up with an alternate word for "sh!t" when whining about your car. (If you can't even come up with American slang, you shouldn't live here. After all - I mostly only remember the bad French words, unless you plan to ask me where to find the library or the disco.) Your fate was sealed with the decision to make Italian creole food. Is that what Emeril told you to do? No. You're lucky he didn't BAM! you right in the mohawk. Oh, and don't get me started on that pink scarf.
OBSERVATION #3: The producers are really setting us up for a Stefan elimination. Which leads me to believe it won't happen. Damn.
Canned Crab: Way to redeem yourself with the seafood. And for knowing what "roux" is (I'm totally remembering that for Word Twist). I now root for you not to win, but to beat Melonhead, because that will make him incredibly angry.
Keanu: Valiant effort, man. I wish you'd won, even if it meant Hootie wouldn't get a new car.
OBSERVATION #4: Let's just say it again - Gail! I threw my arms in the air and cried Hoo! when she showed up. And my hands literally stayed in the air for a good two minutes of cheering. I bet my neighbors will be glad when this season is over.
Melonhead: So close. And yet so far away. Thank you judges, for finally realizing that Melonhead is a cocky ass. (For those of you who don't know, I had to look up the word Suomi, visible on a t-shirt and a stupid knit cap - it means Finland. Although I was hoping it meant something like the words I know in French.)
OBSERVATION #5: Note to the producers: Screw Keanu. A dancing Hootie is always the best way to start an episode.
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Things are just as they should be.
OBSERVATION #1: I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to watch Idol without Top Chef to temper my mood afterwards. But I did just get Kitchen Confidential (the failed sitcom with Bradley Cooper and Nicholas Brendon from a few years ago) DVDs in the mail today, so maybe that will help.
QUICKFIRE TWIST: Rainbow Brite's new haircut was nice. I'd like to introduce T*ts to some product. Or a scrunchy, because I don't actually know that much about women's hair products. But I do know about scrunchies.
I'm glad that Keanu got another chance, but part of me wonders if the producers told them he had to win so they could have another chance to film him changing shirts. And damned if he didn't change his shirt in the bathroom, while the camera guy waited outside. Ha!
OBSERVATION #2: Crawfish are creepy. Seriously creepy.
Hootie Hoo!: Oh Hootie. I can feel the love through the TV screen. I'm sorry I made fun of you in my very first recap. And probably my second and third. Your drink sounds strangely like my current favorite concoction of cranberry, Simply Lime, 7up and vodka. I know you don't like vodka - and I forgive you for it - because it makes me feel that we have something in common and that makes me happy. If you open a restaurant, I don't care where it is. I'm going.
Fabio: You know, I'm actually a little sad to see you go. But it took you far too long to come up with an alternate word for "sh!t" when whining about your car. (If you can't even come up with American slang, you shouldn't live here. After all - I mostly only remember the bad French words, unless you plan to ask me where to find the library or the disco.) Your fate was sealed with the decision to make Italian creole food. Is that what Emeril told you to do? No. You're lucky he didn't BAM! you right in the mohawk. Oh, and don't get me started on that pink scarf.
OBSERVATION #3: The producers are really setting us up for a Stefan elimination. Which leads me to believe it won't happen. Damn.
Canned Crab: Way to redeem yourself with the seafood. And for knowing what "roux" is (I'm totally remembering that for Word Twist). I now root for you not to win, but to beat Melonhead, because that will make him incredibly angry.
Keanu: Valiant effort, man. I wish you'd won, even if it meant Hootie wouldn't get a new car.
OBSERVATION #4: Let's just say it again - Gail! I threw my arms in the air and cried Hoo! when she showed up. And my hands literally stayed in the air for a good two minutes of cheering. I bet my neighbors will be glad when this season is over.
Melonhead: So close. And yet so far away. Thank you judges, for finally realizing that Melonhead is a cocky ass. (For those of you who don't know, I had to look up the word Suomi, visible on a t-shirt and a stupid knit cap - it means Finland. Although I was hoping it meant something like the words I know in French.)
OBSERVATION #5: Note to the producers: Screw Keanu. A dancing Hootie is always the best way to start an episode.
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
American Idol 1-12: Results
Full disclosure: I first watched this on mute in a bar. Then when I got home, I tivoed to the good stuff. Let's be honest - I heard those songs last night, and they weren't that good. I don't want to hear them again. But let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that we didn't have to waste time fast forwarding through Stevie and/or Casey again after they were eliminated.
GROUP SONG: At least it wasn't a bad medley from some decade of yesteryear. But did anyone else get the feeling that Tatiana has never heard of Jason Mraz? Snapping, swaying, the realization that when the girls sang in groups of three that it was just not good...it could have been worse. But I have long said that Jason's songs are meant for an ensemble, and this proved me right. (Yes, it would be better without at least 6 bad singers in the group, but whatev.)
JUDGMENT: Ricky, I could have been down with you and the bunch. But not when you decided to bust out those skinny jeans. Bad choice. And what was that thing hanging from Jackie's ear? I think it was actually something leaking out of her brain.
CAMEOS: Yes, I love you Carly. But I have already heard you sing this song. You sang it on the finale, remember? How about something new? Oh well. Have you heard all of the Carrie/David duet? I'd pay money for that. You can view it by clicking here.
RESULTS: Now that they're in the top 12, it's time for some nicknames. 2/3 correct (Dead Wife Downey Jr. and Jane Mancini), and Michael (Roughneck) was one of my choices for the #3 spot. I have a feeling we'll see Ricky (Tight Pants) and Anoop (Slumdog Idol) in the wildcard round. And thank the sweet lord we've seen the last of Tatiana (hereafter known as "When Rabbit Howls" - look it up).
And yes, I know Downey and Slumdog are not exactly politically correct. But I don't care. Thanks to Erica and Jenni for the assists.
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GROUP SONG: At least it wasn't a bad medley from some decade of yesteryear. But did anyone else get the feeling that Tatiana has never heard of Jason Mraz? Snapping, swaying, the realization that when the girls sang in groups of three that it was just not good...it could have been worse. But I have long said that Jason's songs are meant for an ensemble, and this proved me right. (Yes, it would be better without at least 6 bad singers in the group, but whatev.)
JUDGMENT: Ricky, I could have been down with you and the bunch. But not when you decided to bust out those skinny jeans. Bad choice. And what was that thing hanging from Jackie's ear? I think it was actually something leaking out of her brain.
CAMEOS: Yes, I love you Carly. But I have already heard you sing this song. You sang it on the finale, remember? How about something new? Oh well. Have you heard all of the Carrie/David duet? I'd pay money for that. You can view it by clicking here.
RESULTS: Now that they're in the top 12, it's time for some nicknames. 2/3 correct (Dead Wife Downey Jr. and Jane Mancini), and Michael (Roughneck) was one of my choices for the #3 spot. I have a feeling we'll see Ricky (Tight Pants) and Anoop (Slumdog Idol) in the wildcard round. And thank the sweet lord we've seen the last of Tatiana (hereafter known as "When Rabbit Howls" - look it up).
And yes, I know Downey and Slumdog are not exactly politically correct. But I don't care. Thanks to Erica and Jenni for the assists.
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American Idol 1-12: A Texting Odyssey
In the words of my friend Jeremy, this show was a bit ruff, dog. So rough that I spent a majority of the episode texting about how bad people were. And while at first it seemed like a good idea to just type out the texts and call it a day, I realized that would be taking the easy way out. These kids sang their hearts out and deserve at least a couple of complete sentences before America hopefully does not vote for them.
Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.
JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.
RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.
ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"
BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?
STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.
ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.
MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.
CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.
ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.
...
Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because
STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.
People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.
PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/Brent
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Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.
JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.
RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.
ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"
BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?
STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.
ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.
MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.
CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.
ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.
...
Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because
STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.
People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.
PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/Brent
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Thursday, February 12, 2009
Where have you gone, Nikki McKibbin?
(American Idol: Top 36)
Seriously, I wish I'd invested in Manic Panic before tonight's episode - sales are going to go through the roof. Which is just one reason why I am ANGRIER AT IDOL THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE. Remember when each season had just one unfortunately pink-haired finalist? (See: Nikki, Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin.) I had hoped the trend had died out and that we would only be left with some random highlighted unfortunateness that would go away via votes (Amanda Overmeyer) or the image consultants (David Cook). But they're making up for lost time this year. Three pink people? Come on.
I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.
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I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.
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I Would Like Them in a Box. I Would Like Them With a Fox. (Top Chef: Episode 12 recap)
Sometimes I wonder if it's undignified for me to spend an entire episode shouting Hootie Hoo! to no one in particular. You know, I try to keep it classy, sitting in my wingback chair in my smoking jacket and drinking brandy from a snifter. And then I remember that I'm sitting on my couch in jeans and a t-shirt and drinking a $5 bottle of pinot grigio from a plastic cup while eating a brownie. So the Hootie-ing is probably OK.
OBSERVATION #1: Thank you Hootie for making me forget how angry I am about American Idol's Top 36. My AI recap will be much nicer than it would have been. Oh who am I kidding? No it won't.
Hootie Hoo!: I don't like peas. And they pretty much said that squab is a fancy word for pigeon on Friday Night Lights a few weeks ago and that it should never be rare, so I'm skeptical that this dish was the thing that someone would want for their last meal. But you make me so happy when you are crazy and winning quickfires and doing slow motion tortoise impressions that I forgive you.
Fabio: Ah whatever. Hootie made me so happy this episode that I'm not even mad at you. Besides, I'm sure your finger hurts, and since mine is still bleeding from too much glissing on the piano last night, I feel a small amount of your pain. Go drink your big bottle of wine and enjoy.
OBSERVATION #2: It has now become my favorite thing to watch how Tom rolls his eyes at everything Toby says. I especially enjoyed how Toby was sent to the end of the table so the camera wouldn't have to pick him up very often. And his whole "but I rather like runny eggs" made him sound like a petulant child. Ha.
Canned Crab: The only thing that makes me root for you is how badly you want to beat Stefan. Because I so badly want someone to do it. Please don't disappoint me.
OBSERVATION #3: Can you really say "pussy" on TV?
T*ts McGoo: It's about time. Um...that's all.
Melonhead: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "I cook good food, so I deserve to be in the finals." Oh but remember? EVERYONE thought your stupid salmon was overcooked. I don't care that you've been a chef for 22 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
OBSERVATION #4: I think one reason that I don't like Toby is that our personalities are too similar. Exhibit A: I just said Ha one too many times - much like a petulant child. But I still have a full head of hair and no thinning in sight, so you know what I say to you, Toby? Ha.
NEXT WEEK: I didn't think it could get any better. Former model. "See ya! See ya!" But then my Hootie busts out straightened hair and a valley girl accent in next week's episode. And I will watch as I always do, with my mouth wide open in joy and amazement. Unless I decide that the next stop on the classy train is to start drinking my wine through a straw. Don't worry - I can still cheer through clenched lips.
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OBSERVATION #1: Thank you Hootie for making me forget how angry I am about American Idol's Top 36. My AI recap will be much nicer than it would have been. Oh who am I kidding? No it won't.
Hootie Hoo!: I don't like peas. And they pretty much said that squab is a fancy word for pigeon on Friday Night Lights a few weeks ago and that it should never be rare, so I'm skeptical that this dish was the thing that someone would want for their last meal. But you make me so happy when you are crazy and winning quickfires and doing slow motion tortoise impressions that I forgive you.
Fabio: Ah whatever. Hootie made me so happy this episode that I'm not even mad at you. Besides, I'm sure your finger hurts, and since mine is still bleeding from too much glissing on the piano last night, I feel a small amount of your pain. Go drink your big bottle of wine and enjoy.
OBSERVATION #2: It has now become my favorite thing to watch how Tom rolls his eyes at everything Toby says. I especially enjoyed how Toby was sent to the end of the table so the camera wouldn't have to pick him up very often. And his whole "but I rather like runny eggs" made him sound like a petulant child. Ha.
Canned Crab: The only thing that makes me root for you is how badly you want to beat Stefan. Because I so badly want someone to do it. Please don't disappoint me.
OBSERVATION #3: Can you really say "pussy" on TV?
T*ts McGoo: It's about time. Um...that's all.
Melonhead: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "I cook good food, so I deserve to be in the finals." Oh but remember? EVERYONE thought your stupid salmon was overcooked. I don't care that you've been a chef for 22 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
OBSERVATION #4: I think one reason that I don't like Toby is that our personalities are too similar. Exhibit A: I just said Ha one too many times - much like a petulant child. But I still have a full head of hair and no thinning in sight, so you know what I say to you, Toby? Ha.
NEXT WEEK: I didn't think it could get any better. Former model. "See ya! See ya!" But then my Hootie busts out straightened hair and a valley girl accent in next week's episode. And I will watch as I always do, with my mouth wide open in joy and amazement. Unless I decide that the next stop on the classy train is to start drinking my wine through a straw. Don't worry - I can still cheer through clenched lips.
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Thursday, February 5, 2009
In Which I Die of Boredom
(Top Chef: Episode 11 recap)
Sweet lord that was lame. Anyone else actually miss Spike and Andrew? This week's episode made those Stephanie Dr. Pepper commericals seem like Oscar-worthy documentaries. Even my sweet little Hootie Hoo disappointed. I can't wait for this season to be over.
OBSERVATION #1: It's sad when the most entertaining part of the episode is the "Last Week on Top Chef" segment.
Hootie Hoo!: I wish I didn't know you had trained at a French culinary school. I had hoped that you learned how to cook down on the bayou. I imagined you in the swamp, frying up chitlins under the tutelage of a wisecracking owl and a spunky, yet knowledgeable, otter. I'm glad you're still around, but your inclusion in the top three only warrented a half-hearted "Hootie Hoo!" from me tonight. Please be more fun next week, k?
Fabio: "This is the first time I've been in the bottom." Oh? Am I remembering that other Italian guy who has been in the bottom several times? Gail thought your food was boring - remember? I see how it is. Gail leaves and you think her criticism leaves with her? Boo. Boo to you for underestimating the power of Gail.
OBSERVATION #2: I enjoyed how Tom pointed out that Toby Young doesn't know how to cook. It's Padma's job to be the non-chef of the group, and even she has a bunch of cookbooks. That "It's harder than it looks" aside, with a cocked eyebrow showed us that Tom knows how it is. Toby's days are definitely numbered. Good.
Canned Crab: Well, somehow you made me feel sorry for you. All this "but I'm a seafood chef" talk made me realize how misguided you are. And then the phrase "Canned Crab" came screaming back at me, as I realized the reason for your moniker. Apparently, you don't know jack about seafood.
Rainbow Brite: Thanks for reminding us that you were the last remaining member of Team Rainbow (sad - I liked those other dudes). I thought you might be a dark horse and land in the finals with Melonhead. I'm sorry I was wrong. But it makes sense - today's dish didn't have a single scallop or item to be pureed. This just goes to show that nothing good can come of celery. That's why I prefer to focus on cupcakes.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else know that Padma was married to Salman Rushdie? And she had a part in Glitter. God love Wikipedia.
T*ts McGoo: How do you keep dodging these bullets? You QUIT in the middle of a challenge! For the life of me, I can't figure out why you're still around. You're not even giving us Real World fodder. I don't know what miso is (and I spent too much time reading about Padma to bother looking it up) but I'm pretty sure you should know how to use it.
Melonhead: Oh whatever.
OBSERVATION #4: Don't think that I didn't notice the creepy long haired gastro-whatever chef in the previews for next week. The only thing plainer than his Jan Brady look is his milquetoast personality. And with the incorrect use of a fancy word like "milquetoast," (apparently it's a noun and not an adjective - oh well) I'm off to have another cupcake.
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OBSERVATION #1: It's sad when the most entertaining part of the episode is the "Last Week on Top Chef" segment.
Hootie Hoo!: I wish I didn't know you had trained at a French culinary school. I had hoped that you learned how to cook down on the bayou. I imagined you in the swamp, frying up chitlins under the tutelage of a wisecracking owl and a spunky, yet knowledgeable, otter. I'm glad you're still around, but your inclusion in the top three only warrented a half-hearted "Hootie Hoo!" from me tonight. Please be more fun next week, k?
Fabio: "This is the first time I've been in the bottom." Oh? Am I remembering that other Italian guy who has been in the bottom several times? Gail thought your food was boring - remember? I see how it is. Gail leaves and you think her criticism leaves with her? Boo. Boo to you for underestimating the power of Gail.
OBSERVATION #2: I enjoyed how Tom pointed out that Toby Young doesn't know how to cook. It's Padma's job to be the non-chef of the group, and even she has a bunch of cookbooks. That "It's harder than it looks" aside, with a cocked eyebrow showed us that Tom knows how it is. Toby's days are definitely numbered. Good.
Canned Crab: Well, somehow you made me feel sorry for you. All this "but I'm a seafood chef" talk made me realize how misguided you are. And then the phrase "Canned Crab" came screaming back at me, as I realized the reason for your moniker. Apparently, you don't know jack about seafood.
Rainbow Brite: Thanks for reminding us that you were the last remaining member of Team Rainbow (sad - I liked those other dudes). I thought you might be a dark horse and land in the finals with Melonhead. I'm sorry I was wrong. But it makes sense - today's dish didn't have a single scallop or item to be pureed. This just goes to show that nothing good can come of celery. That's why I prefer to focus on cupcakes.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else know that Padma was married to Salman Rushdie? And she had a part in Glitter. God love Wikipedia.
T*ts McGoo: How do you keep dodging these bullets? You QUIT in the middle of a challenge! For the life of me, I can't figure out why you're still around. You're not even giving us Real World fodder. I don't know what miso is (and I spent too much time reading about Padma to bother looking it up) but I'm pretty sure you should know how to use it.
Melonhead: Oh whatever.
OBSERVATION #4: Don't think that I didn't notice the creepy long haired gastro-whatever chef in the previews for next week. The only thing plainer than his Jan Brady look is his milquetoast personality. And with the incorrect use of a fancy word like "milquetoast," (apparently it's a noun and not an adjective - oh well) I'm off to have another cupcake.
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