American Idol 13-24: Results

When I got home at 6:45, I came upon a disastrous sight: my cable box was not on. Just imagine - if I hadn't gotten home in time, and had relied on the gods of Tivo to magically record my Thursday night shows, well, you lucky people wouldn't get to experience my full-on Idol wrath.

Speaking of wrath: It seems that my criticism of Charo's (Iraheta) song choice sparked some controversy today. So let's just lay it all out on the table. It's common knowledge among Idol aficionados that some songs should not be touched, because they will draw immediate comparisons to the Idol contestant that originally rocked it. Here's a short list:

Alone/Crying (Carrie Underwood)
Natural Woman/Stuff Like That There (Kelly Clarkson)
Hemmorhage (Daughtry)
Proud Mary (Trenyce)
Solitaire (Clay Aiken)
Superstar (Ruben Studdard)
All By Myself (La Toya London)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Katharine McPhee)
Circle of Life (Jennifer Hudson)
In a Dream (Bo Bice)
Summertime (Fantasia)
You Give Love a Bad Name (Blake Lewis)
I Who Have Nothing (Jordin Sparks)
My Funny Valentine (Mindy Doo)
Dance With My Father (Tamyra Gray)
Do I Do (Mario Vasquez)

Yes, there may be others. You may not agree with all of the songs on this list. Or you may be mad that your favorite contestant is not represented. Hell, some of my favorite contestants aren't on the list (I still miss you, Carly!). Whatever - if you sing Alone (Gina Glocksen, Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson) you deserve to be compared to Carrie. And it will not be a favorable comparison.

Then there are songs that just need to be retired because of the sheer number of singers who attempt and fail to rock. I Don't Wanna Be and Take a Look at Me Now fall into this category. Anything by Whitney, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jacson and Mariah are also here (unless you can bring out something new like Cook and Castro did on Carey night last season).

Now I'm sure there will be some arguments (or attempts at arguments). But this is my Idol commentary, which means that I know more about Idol than you do. And the fact that I'm listening to a nice mix of Vonzell Solomon, Nadia Turner and Christina Christian right now should be enough proof for you.

And now that I've thrown down, let's get to tonight's results.

GROUP SONG: Jason Mraz? Good for a group song. Ne-Yo? Not so much. I like this song a lot, but these kids did it no favors. Especially with WickedSiriano mugging for the camera the entire time and Normal/Whatever His Name Is forgetting the words. And is it just me, or was last week's group a lot more coordinated when it came to the dancing? This bunch looked like a big group karaoke performance at a frat party.

JUDGMENT: Much less deplorable fashion tonight, even though there were a few skinny jeans (and one Daisy Dukes) sightings. (I'm going to stop complaining about Siriano now, because it's just going to get old.)

CAMEOS: Oh Barefoot Potbelly - I can't say I missed you. I now remember how much you annoyed me. But for your sake, I wish that the piano was on a revolve, because it looks like you neck hurt from trying to sing to the camera and the rest of the audience.

RESULTS: Charo and WickedSiriano (God I want to call you Fallout, but that name was taken last year; other good suggestions have been "Falsetto Jagger" and "David Cook: The Musical!" I'll let you all be the judges) were pretty much locks, but I appreciate the final suspense of wondering whether I was going to get up and kick America's ass.

And I'll happily concede that I didn't ever think that WonderBread would make an appearance in the top 12 this soon. He seems like he's actually pretty good. I think last night was just an aberration - so I'm ok with the results.

Potential Wildcard singers (based mostly on previous judge pimping, not on actual talent): Mishavonna, Jesse, Megan Joy, Giraud and Jasmine. With Slumdog and Tight Pants in the running from last week, that brings our total to eight - and we've heard that there may only be 8-9 contestants in the Wildcard round, so next week should be interesting.

Speaking of next week, we finally get to see SHE WHO CAN SING ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND AS A RESULT PEACE WILL RULE THE LAND (sorry, Lil Rounds), the Drama Queen and that Kid Who Sings Really Loud. Come to think of it, they all sing really loud. Awesome.