Seriously, I wish I'd invested in Manic Panic before tonight's episode - sales are going to go through the roof. Which is just one reason why I am ANGRIER AT IDOL THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE. Remember when each season had just one unfortunately pink-haired finalist? (See: Nikki, Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin.) I had hoped the trend had died out and that we would only be left with some random highlighted unfortunateness that would go away via votes (Amanda Overmeyer) or the image consultants (David Cook). But they're making up for lost time this year. Three pink people? Come on.
I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
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