American Idol 1-12: A Texting Odyssey

In the words of my friend Jeremy, this show was a bit ruff, dog. So rough that I spent a majority of the episode texting about how bad people were. And while at first it seemed like a good idea to just type out the texts and call it a day, I realized that would be taking the easy way out. These kids sang their hearts out and deserve at least a couple of complete sentences before America hopefully does not vote for them.

Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.

JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.

RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.

ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"

BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?

STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.

ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.

MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.

CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.

ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.

...

Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because

STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.

People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.

PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/Brent