Cooking With Love...and Alligator, Apparently (Top Chef: finale recap)

What the? Who? Where now?

Before tonight, I could only see two scenarios: the one where Melonhead wins and everyone is mad and I threaten to never watch again, and the one where Hootie wins and my neighbors are the only ones who are mad because I am cheering loudly at 11:30pm. In no way did I think Canned Crab had it in him. But really, it's the perfect end to a season where most of the viewing public has spent many a Wednesday night throwing their hands in the air.

OBSERVATION #1: Kitchen Confidential rules. Just FYI.

Hootie Hoo!: If I knew how to make Hootie doing animal impressions be my screen saver, I would. In a heartbeat. But that's where the joy ends. Hootie, you were SO CLOSE! I think the judges were really rooting for you. But then stupid SECOND PLACE CASEY shows up and all of a sudden you throw the love out the window? Hootie, you know better than that.

OBSERVATION #2: Can they say "twat" on TV? Bravo's really pushing the slang limit these days. Seriously, it's worse than One Tree Hill.

Canned Crab: Well, good for you. But I was thinking...what would I do if I won $100,000? I'm pretty sure I'd just pay off my student loans and be done with it. I do not want CC to go and start some seafood restaurant, because you know he will. And I do not want him to show up in Dr. Pepper commercials next season. How could a chef win when all he was good for was MAKING OUT WITH OTHER CHEFS?

OBSERVATION #3: I love Gail. She was totally falling out of her dress by the end of the night and she totally didn't care. Never go away again, Gail, OK?

Melonhead: OK, I guess I'll look at the silver lining. But I wanted Hootie to win more than I wanted you to lose. And you winning would have MADE SENSE. But coming from a dessert background (no, I don't make lots of desserts...I eat lots of desserts, whenever possible) your little dessert plate was sad. And what's with all the pigeon this season? Can we make a no squab rule next year?

OBSERVATION #4: Hopefully this is the last time I will ever have to blast Toby Young. My favorite part (aside from the fact that his voice got all high and squeaky when he was arguing for Melonhead's dessert plate) was that Padma didn't even bother to ask him if he had decided - because he tried to tangle with Tom and Gail, and you know who is going to win that fight. (Actually, in reading his blog on bravo.com - I'd link, but why bother - he makes it clear that he disagreed with the choice, so she probably did ask him, and his response was something whiny and childlike - but not in a cute way.)

So what have we learned this season?

1. Toby Young is a douche.
2. Gail is the best.
3. Always cook with love.
4. Never listen to Casey.
5. Choosing a team and naming it is not the way to win.
6. Before trying out, learn how to butcher meat. And bone fish. And maybe how to skin an eel.
7. Make only one soup and one scallop dish in the course of the season.
8. And if you break that rule, don't make identical dishes back to back.
9. Don't cook frozen food. Ever.
10. Everyone should learn how to make at least five awesome (and different) desserts. And pull them out whenever you need an extra edge.

Here's hoping that next season will be less of a wash. And here's hoping that Andy Cohen's reunion hosting skills won't be too annoying next week. And that we won't focus on "the kiss" for too long.

Hootie Hoo!