I Would Like Them in a Box. I Would Like Them With a Fox. (Top Chef: Episode 12 recap)

Sometimes I wonder if it's undignified for me to spend an entire episode shouting Hootie Hoo! to no one in particular. You know, I try to keep it classy, sitting in my wingback chair in my smoking jacket and drinking brandy from a snifter. And then I remember that I'm sitting on my couch in jeans and a t-shirt and drinking a $5 bottle of pinot grigio from a plastic cup while eating a brownie. So the Hootie-ing is probably OK.

OBSERVATION #1: Thank you Hootie for making me forget how angry I am about American Idol's Top 36. My AI recap will be much nicer than it would have been. Oh who am I kidding? No it won't.

Hootie Hoo!: I don't like peas. And they pretty much said that squab is a fancy word for pigeon on Friday Night Lights a few weeks ago and that it should never be rare, so I'm skeptical that this dish was the thing that someone would want for their last meal. But you make me so happy when you are crazy and winning quickfires and doing slow motion tortoise impressions that I forgive you.

Fabio: Ah whatever. Hootie made me so happy this episode that I'm not even mad at you. Besides, I'm sure your finger hurts, and since mine is still bleeding from too much glissing on the piano last night, I feel a small amount of your pain. Go drink your big bottle of wine and enjoy.

OBSERVATION #2: It has now become my favorite thing to watch how Tom rolls his eyes at everything Toby says. I especially enjoyed how Toby was sent to the end of the table so the camera wouldn't have to pick him up very often. And his whole "but I rather like runny eggs" made him sound like a petulant child. Ha.

Canned Crab: The only thing that makes me root for you is how badly you want to beat Stefan. Because I so badly want someone to do it. Please don't disappoint me.

OBSERVATION #3: Can you really say "pussy" on TV?

T*ts McGoo: It's about time. Um...that's all.

Melonhead: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "I cook good food, so I deserve to be in the finals." Oh but remember? EVERYONE thought your stupid salmon was overcooked. I don't care that you've been a chef for 22 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

OBSERVATION #4: I think one reason that I don't like Toby is that our personalities are too similar. Exhibit A: I just said Ha one too many times - much like a petulant child. But I still have a full head of hair and no thinning in sight, so you know what I say to you, Toby? Ha.

NEXT WEEK: I didn't think it could get any better. Former model. "See ya! See ya!" But then my Hootie busts out straightened hair and a valley girl accent in next week's episode. And I will watch as I always do, with my mouth wide open in joy and amazement. Unless I decide that the next stop on the classy train is to start drinking my wine through a straw. Don't worry - I can still cheer through clenched lips.