Idol 11: A Pink Streaked Elimination

Sometimes a Lifehouse song should not be a worship song. It should just be a Lifehouse song.

And that's all I have to say about that. Foreshadowing? Perhaps. Yeah. Lifehouse.

GROUP PERFORMANCE: With all the sound problems, the break dancing in the background and the balloon extravaganza that seemed to take all the singers by surprise, all I could focus on was the tambourine that DID NOT WAVER. Or do anything to get more interesting.

And while I admire restraint sometimes, I do NOT admire it when there is a tambourine involved.

HOLLIE IN THE BOTTOM THREE: Boo.

TAYLOR HICKS CAMEO: Vegas? Really? McPheever's on national television every week. Suck on that.

KRIS ALLEN: How much do you think it would cost to put my piano on a turntable?

Sorry. I lost focus. While I love a nice revolve, one might want to make sure that the piano is shorter than the performer so he doesn't completely disappear when he's upstage of the instrument.

On a singing note, the falsetto was not as strong as I'd like it. But I'll probably buy this cd anyway.

I'm not forgiving the skinny jeans, though.

SIDEBAR: Do you think it's weird for the former winners to come back and have JLo and Steven there instead of Paula and Simon? (Or even Ellen and Kara. Wow. I almost forgot about those two.)

LMFAO: Sorry, team. I'm not even going to dignify this by watching.

BOTTOM THREE: So Small, Kindred Spirit, Lesser Cook. (Well, two out of three isn't bad.)

ELIMINATED: Lesser Cook. Wow...I wanted to call it last night, but I didn't have the guts. Plus, I really WANTED Mantasia to go, because I can only handle so many inspirational songs.

But let's remember the curse of the pink hair. Redneck had better watch her back. Until next week, friends.

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Idol 11: Some Sort of Soul Stuff or Something

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. And starting tonight a new beginning for all.

What?

When I was in college, Janet Jackson released her Velvet Rope album. On it, was a "work in progress" that was one of my favorite songs on the cd: Special. My favorite part was when she spoke in the middle and said "You see, you can't run away from your pain. Because where ever you run, there you will be. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden. Then, you will be free." And then my friends would make fun of me by pretending to hold a watering can over their head.

That made more sense than what happened at the beginning of tonight's episode.

Meanwhile, I've been watering my spiritual garden to the tune of pinot grigio.

So Small (Rolling in the Deep by Adele) - Oh I was worried, Tiny. I was very worried. And then when the gigantic faces of the backup singers showed up on the video screens, just like when Lena Thorne told Diana Ross to believe in herself as she tapped her ruby (silver? diamond? I forget) slippers, I somehow knew that everything was going to be ok. And it was. From the opening a cappella section to the phrase breaking ending, the promise of the little girl with the big voice has finally been fulfilled.

And Randy? No. I went back and listened to So Small again. I found maybe one pitchy note. How about you stop pretending you actually know what you're talking about when it comes to singing and stick to finding ugly pins?

Lesser Cook (Bad Romance by Lady Gaga) - "I plan on expanding my box every week."

I'm just going to leave it at that.

SIDEBAR: Oh, so we have two rounds of solos tonight? That's got to be better than some of those stupid duets.

Kindred Spirit (No One by Alicia Keys) - I know the fan is cool. But you might have to walk around just a little bit. Because the bobbing up and down is making me dizzy. It's also making you lose your breath. Other than that, this was strong. I might start to be a little more supportive. But I won't lie; the sick dog helps with the sympathy points.

Matthew Matthews (U Got It Bad by Usher) - Yes. I like this. But didn't J.Lo tell you JUST LAST WEEK that you needed to start changing it up? This is just what you do all the time. I like it. No, actually I love it, because I buy your iTunes single every week. But I worry. I WORRY MATTHEW. AND WHEN I WORRY I START POUNDING GRAPE. STOP MAKING ME WASTE WINE.

SIDEBAR #1: What did Tyler just say? Chump love sucka? What?

SIDEBAR #2: Wait, did they forget what they said too? Was that not just last week? Am I making things up? WASN'T THIS THE SAME AS ALWAYS?!

Jasmine 2.1: A New Beginning (Fallin' by Alicia Keys) - I have lots of questions. 1. What's with the umbrellas? Didn't they give her lots of doors last week? What's up set dressers? 2. Why is Alicia Keys all over the place tonight? What's the theme? I wasn't paying attention. 3. Where are the Asian voters? It's a well-known fact that the Asian vote kept the Jasmine OG in the competition as long as they did. Shouldn't they be rallying now? 4. How are her tiny ears holding up those earrings? Doesn't that hurt? I need answers, people. Answers.

Pink Streak Woman (Born This Way by Lady Gaga) - After being forced to listen to Raelynn's disastrous performances on The Voice, this is a breath of fresh air. She kind of made me have to remind myself that I like country music. Good times. I might buy this one too.

SIDEBAR #3: And two Gaga songs too? Seriously, what's the theme?

Mantasia (I Believe by Fantasia) - Ha. Tamyra Gray is laughing all the way to the bank. And Fantasia has that Lifetime reality show. And Diana DeGarmo has Ace to keep her happy. Let's hope that Mantasia can meet a nice girl in the touring company of Ain't Misbehavin', because I don't know that singing an Idol coronation song is going to get you your own. Risky. Always risky.

SIDEBAR #4: Oh. Post-Millennium picks. So out of seven performances we get five artists? Shouldn't this be a really long list? Who let this happen? Alicia Keys sucks.

SIDEBAR #5: Ok, she doesn't suck. But No One is a terrible song.

SIDEBAR #6: Is Hollie from England?

SIDEBAR #7: Oh look at that. Who knew? Maybe someone should pay attention to the sob stories during auditions. This explains all the Celine-isms. Now I totally get it.

SOUL TRAIN: This could be messy. Or awesome. I can't decide which one.

So Small (Son of a Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield) - Not as good as the first round, but not bad. I'll take it. (Although to be fair, I was listening from the other room, where I was wrestling with a particularly messy cork situation.)

Lesser Cook (September by Earth, Wind and Fire) - I'm not going to harp on song choice like the judges. I liked the verse, but the ba di ya part was weird. Let's focus on something else instead. Like the STUPID PINK STREAK. Why do people keep doing that? I never see anyone walking around on the street with a pink streak in their hair. What is it about Idol that makes seemingly normal people want to dye their hair pink?

Kindred Spirit (Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye) - I love that smooth alto sound...but this was too low for you by at least a minor third. If you're going to sing a classic song, be sure you can actually get the title and the expected melody out at least once.

Matthew Matthews (In the Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett) - Now that's what I was talking about. And although Matthew always looks like he's enjoying himself, this MM was a different beast. Filled with joy, that was. Winning.

SIDEBAR #8: I just realized that I do that lifting the foot dance move all the time. Except I do it when there's no singing going on.

SIDEBAR #9: Now is the time that I start getting nervous about the voting. Because when MM lands in the bottom three, I am not going to be happy.

SIDEBAR #10: Screw Kris Allen! That's John Noble behind him! Why doesn't Seacrest talk to him?

SIDEBAR #11: I didn't mean that, Kris. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.

Jasmine 2.1: A New Beginning (Try a Little Tenderness by Otis Redding and a zillion other people) - Pitchy, but the magic of the save will keep you around for at least a week.

SIDEBAR #12: What's with female singers needing an alter ego to sing uptempo songs? Do we have to have a Sasha Fierce for everyone? No. We do not.

Pink Streak Woman (Heard It Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye) - I prefer the California Raisins' performance of this song, so it was just ok with me. Not ok? Why would you put a sparkly ankle bracelet on if YOU'RE WEARING COWBOY BOOTS? No.

NO.

Oh also? Why is that creepy fiddle player always following PSW around with that maniacal look on his face?

Mantasia (A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke) - Well this came as no surprise. Show of hands: who else knew Mantasia was going to choose this song? And after that Believe nonsense, isn't this a little overkill?

Plus, I'd rather listen to this.

Come on Player, you're about to be George Huff-ed right out of here.

BOTTOM THREE: Kindred Spirit, Mantasia, Lesser Cook
SHOULD GO: Mantasia
WILL GO: Mantasia

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The Voice: In Which We Go Back to the Future

Sometimes circumstances prevent one from watching one's preferred television shows in a timely fashion. Sometimes through the magic of TiVo (or Brandi and Eric's choppy satellite) we end up watching things before they're meant to be watched. These are decisions we make in the name of wine. Because there was wine at Brandi and Eric's, but there was no wine at my house.

Don't worry, I'm going shopping today.

FIRST ROUND OF SAVES: So...this means that the person who's saved from each team is in first place in America's minds, right? My biggest fear has been a Raelynn march to the finish, so this outcome makes me terribly happy. And I like that dude from Kansas, so we're starting off on the right foot.

THE WANTED: I have no idea what they're singing, but damn it's catchy. And I'm glad that floppy haired dude finally has more than four words to sing in the song.

BIEBER: Sigh. This kid isn't going away, is he? Stop trying to out-Timberlake Justin. Also, you can't really talk that low, so quit pretending that the producer didn't shift it down an octave.

CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: What? What just happened here? Let's backtrack:

1. Decent performance of a mediocre Lady Gaga song. I'll only give it a "decent" because of all the breathlessness. But this is the first time we've really seen the "rocking" that they've been promising us. And it wasn't bad.

2. Terrible and creepy performance of a really bad Kevin Rudolph song. What was that? WHY DOES CHRISTINA SEEM TO LIKE THIS?

SIDEBAR: Thank you to Levine for shushing the audience. And to Blake for ignoring them. If only Christina could take a lesson.

BACK TO CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: This was a huge mistake. Huge. Christina left herself with the opera guy and a weird Katy Perry/Kristin Stewart mishmash to take her to the semifinals? Dumb.

BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: Please please please please let it be RaeLynn that goes home. Please? Let's backtrack again:

1. Old Fashioned Performance of a Tina Turner Song: Sure. Whatever.

2. Terrible Performance of a Terrible Song Both of Which Make Me Want to Cover My Head With a Pillow: I...I can't...No, I can't even say anything.

BACK TO BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Special props to Eric for calling this elimination early in the night.

* * * * * * * *
OK, now let's travel back in time even further to the performance show from Monday night...

RaeLynn: Who cares?! She's gone!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha!

Yes, I probably said "ha" one too many times. But I don't care. We're free! I can just fast forward through the whole thing! Hahahahahahahaha!

Sorry.

Jesse (Halo) - I'm a little sad to know this is goodbye. This is a pretty good performance. And I like that hat. Oh but hold on...are those pictures of his stupid daughter? No. Do not bring a moppet into the ring. That's just fighting dirty. Also, telling the people of the world that they have a halo? I don't think so. You lost me. Sorry.

Jordis (Stronger) - Wow, there are a lot of songs named "Stronger" aren't there? Not the point, since this clearly is not rocking enough for Blake. But I'll point out that YOU'RE HER COACH, DUMBASS. WHY DID THIS SNOOZEFEST MAKE IT TO THE STAGE?

To be fair, I fast fowarded through the coaching session, because I get bored. So technically, Blake could have been totally against this song, but I don't buy it. I say jerk.

TEAM CHRISTINA: I wish there could have been more Hillbilly Bone. Because I can't stand Blake singing it. What I DO like? The Hunger Games platforms in which we see the first two members of Team Christina. Also, gospel choir. But why are we trotting out such an old song, Xtina? And that belted swimsuit look that did you no favors in the tabloids last season?

Ashley (Foolish Games) - When I went to the Jewel concert with @moodylicious in college, there were these girls behind us who kept singing "Sing Foolish Games! Sing Foolish Games!" Like Jewel might forget to include it in the set. So even though this was actually a good performance (after that weak opening), all I can hear is "Sing Foolish Games! Sing Foolish Games!" Sorry to see you go, Ashley. I bought your song on iTunes. Too little, too late.

SIDEBAR: Yes, Adam. CeeLo's eloquent critique "You started low, and then you went high" was worth calling out. Thank you.

So now we've seen everyone that goes home in the Future. Or the Past. This is like a weird Christmas Carol.

MAROON 5 (Payphone) - Yeah, I like this song. And I like how Adam sounds just as good live as he does on the radio. I bet they put on a good concert. One complaint. When I buy something on iTunes, I want it to be the same as what I hear in the first place. So this "featuring Wiz Khalifa" stuff is not OK with me. Because I swear he's not on the radio. Although I enjoy Pitbull, I wanted the radio version of J.Lo's "On the Floor" too, and it was not easy to find. Can't we have both versions?

Erin (Set Fire to the Rain): Why do all the bigger girls keep singing Adele? And why are they so mad? What this comes down to is the fact that Blake just has a bad team. Because this girl isn't going to be a star. I hope he's kicking himself right now for not keeping some of those earlier contestants.

Lindsay (Part of Me) - Even though I know the future already, I wish my time in the past would allow me to alter what's going to happen. I wish I could somehow not know that this performance of a song that I really enjoy even exists. WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?

TEAM BLAKE: It would have been nice to throw together some sort of arrangement of "Beautiful" or "Genie in a Bottle" while you were backstage. Missed opportunity. Also, it was a missed opportunity to not just have Raelynn sing along with everyone else, rather than giving her any solos. Because when everyone else is singing, I don't hate her as much. And why is Blake so lazy? He's not doing anything. Boo.

SIDEBAR: Why? Why did you send home Jordis? Why?

Jermaine (Against All Odds) - I hate this song. But good performance. You're Blake's only chance to win, so don't ruin it.

Chris (Viva La Vida) - I know Levine doesn't love the pop version of Chris, but I think he might be the only artist on the show who could have sung this song. Remember when Matt Giraud attempted this on Idol? Not pretty. Even less pretty? Last season's trio of McCreery, Durbin and Abrams. This is a big song, and it needed a big voice. Well played, XTina. Well played.

CHRISTINA'S ELIMINATION: Dumb. But apparently Jesse doesn't take Christina's advice very well. Don't argue with Christina or you're going home.

BLAKE'S ELIMINATION: Even dumber. Seriously. Blaming it on America from TWO WEEKS AGO? Stupid. So so stupid.

SIDEBAR: Not letting Raelynn in on the hug? Hilarious.

Jordis, don't lie. You don't understand. None of us do. That was pathetic.

And that's how we're ending our trip to the past. Or the future. What?

Oh never mind.

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Smash - More Boring Than ... zzzzzzzzz

I'm glad I still have Community saved on my TiVo. Otherwise my one night this week off would have been a total wash.

Come on, Smash. STOP PROVING EVERYONE RIGHT.

IVY: So...the pills are gone, and now you're just sad and unhireable? And you think that a poorly sung Kelly Clarkson hit which, let's be honest, has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SCENE, is appropriate? Go back to the pills. At least it resulted in some Rihanna on the street.

KAREN: Or, you know. Just ask the stage manager for a pencil.

TOM'S STUPID FLIRTATION WITH THE CHORUS BOY: Wait. Didn't we see the whole cheating thing last week? And weren't you all judgmental about it? So why are you doing things to make your Republican boyfriend look like that? Not cool, Tom. Not cool.

THE STEAMROOM SONG: Although this was a good time, the only thing I wondered is what they plan to wear under the towels? This seems like an ill-advised costume choice.

DEV'S POLITICAL CAREER: Pass.

ANJELICA HUSTON, THE BARTENDER AND THE ROCK STAR: This makes no sense. Who is this guy? Why would they try to make a musical of his songs? And is that Eddie Izzard? I know it's not, but I can't look at him without thinking it is. And how is it that the best moments of tonight's episode is Anjelica speaking Spanish?

ELLIS: How many bow ties can one person own?

STRANGE MARILYN DREAM SEQUENCE: What?

EQUALLY STRANGE STREETFIGHT: Again, didn't we see this last week?

THE FINAL STRAW: So Anjelica gets the rich snobby people to go the the dive bar? And then stages a whole pyro infused spectacle with Eddie Izzard? And then makes out with the bartender? Why does none of this seem believable? And why did the final stupid montage have to ruin THE ONLY MCPHEEVER SONG IN THE WHOLE EPISODE?

Damn it, Smash.

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Idol 11: A Moderately Timely Recap (Week 6)

All of my wine glasses are dirty. But instead of washing them, I'm just drinking this pinot noir out of a coffee mug I got from my sophomore year dorm. Also, I never ate dinner. It seemed easier to sit on the couch.

Don't worry, I brought the bottle into the living room.

Redneck Woman (Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You by Kellie Pickler) - Let me say right now how sorry I am. I think I jinxed it by mentioning Pickler so much over the past few weeks. And the pink streaks. And RANDY'S STUPID PINS. God, Sunday was a long day.

I digress. To quote the pin-master, that was a hot performance. Credit where it's due.

ABSTJD (Love the Way You Lie by Skylar Grey) - What does "especially Phillip Phillips" mean? Is there some animosity? But more importantly, why are we crediting Skylar Grey with this song? Are we not allowed to Eminem or Rihanna? (Yes, those are verbs.)

And now it just hit me. There's nothing unique about this dude in the Idol universe, except maybe his hair (which is absurd). Because David Cook was rocking this way long before ABSTJD's very first audition. And did David have to wear skinny pants, a deep V and some sort of weird long jacket thing? No. If Simon were still around, he would have made the comparison. I'm not fooled by you, Lesser Cook. I'm not fooled.

SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW - More duets? OK. MM was right. This was not so great for him. This just teaches us a lesson: do not let yourself be forced to do something by someone who wears these. I give this a B.

SIDEBAR #1: Wait. If I keep mentioning McPheever, does that mean she'll show up later? Let's test that theory.

Jasmine 2.0 (Stuttering by Jazmine Sullivan) - Using stairs to get down from the piano is a cop out. You have to step on the piece of wood next to the keyboard, then the bench, and then the floor. Yes, I've done this before. Wait. She never actually got down during the song, did she? Then don't put the stairs in front. Cop-out.

Right. Song. Who's Jazmine Sullivan? And who is that girl behind Randy that keeps smiling with her mouth wide open? She's terrifying.

Mantasia (Runaway Baby by Bruno Mars) - Wow. I did not expect that. To be honest, when Seacrest said that the song was by Bruno Mars, I was not looking forward to what I assumed would be a watered down version is Grenade or Marry You or that other one that makes all the girls cry. Something about being beautiful. And when Bruno performed this on the Grammys, I actually assumed that it was an old James Brown song that I just didn't know.

So the point it, that was awesome. Best performance from Mantasia to date. Keep it up that way, and there might not be a George Huff-type outcome.

SIDEBAR #2: Steven's playing pimp now? When he's NOT wearing a hat? Confusing.

SIDEBAR #3: I need Randy to stop telling Ryan that certain people "have to have it".

SIDEBAR #4: There are romance rumors about RW and Lesser Cook? I seriously doubt that.

DON'T YOU WANNA STAY - No. I'm not ok with this. Unless you have a Kelly Clarkson range (and no one does) you shouldn't be attempting to sing this song. Unless the intention was to be flat the whole time. If so, then awesome job. (P.S. to Tommy Hilfiger - HOW DID YOU LET LC OUT OF THE MANSION LOOKING LIKE THAT?!)

Seriously? Randy's the only one who was listening? Ugh.

Never mind. He thought RW's notes were sharp. When they were clearly flat. Ok then.

So Small (Perfect by Pink) - The Celine-isms are starting to kill me. I fast forwarded through the hometown nonsense. Is SS from Vancouver or something? That said, this was probably her best performance so far. Perfect? No. Just better than it's been. Good sustained note at the end. But J.Lo isn't optimistic. And I don't like how that feels.

Matthew Matthews (Give a Little More by Maroon 5) - Love him, of course. But J.Lo is right. It sounds the same every week. Great arrangement of a great song...but you can't just arrange every song you get in the exact same way. Come on, dude. Do better.

SIDEBAR #5: I'm feeling a shocking elimination coming on. And then I might be feeling a Judge's Save coming on.

STRONGER - Are you kidding me? Two Kelly songs in one episode? NONE OF YOU CAN SING THIS SONG. STOP RUINING IT WITH THOSE CRAPPY HARMONIES. GOD. MAKE IT STOP. MAKE. THIS. STOP.

This is the worst thing I've seen this season. Maybe ever. I do not think it's going to make me stronger. It's just going to make me drink harder.

AND WHY ARE THE JUDGES NOT SAYING HOW BAD THIS REALLY WAS? YOU'RE PROUD OF THEM, J.LO? THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT?!

SIDEBAR #6: Dammit. They made me spill my wine.

Stevie's Kindred Spirit (You & I by Lady Gaga) - You had me, until you chose to say "You know what I'm talking about" towards the backup singers. And until I noticed stupid floppy hat guitar player flopping around behind you. Also, that dress is dumb. Yes, the song was fine, but your speaking, your guitar player and your dress are all dumb.

SIDEBAR #7: Well, so much for this bottle.

Bottom Three: So Small, Lesser Cook, Jennifer Hudson
Should Go: So Small

GROUP PERFORMANCE (Raise Your Glass by Pink) - All right. I will.

SIDEBAR #8: Just realized there are seven people left. So it's probably time for the two groups of three and the embarrassing moment where the seventh sits on the floor in the middle of the groups, a la Arch-tastic.

SIDEBAR #9: Oh, ok. There's a Part 3 of Love the Way You Lie?

SIDEBAR #10: Is it the wine talking, or does Steven look kind of like Diane Keaton tonight?

JAMES DURBIN (the real one) - Wow. Scraping the bottom of the barrel this week, eh producers? Was Lisa Tucker not available? Also, that's not a microphone.

JHUD & AKON - OK, I feel kind of bad for that Bottom 3 crack earlier. But not a lot. Because I've never seen the appeal with JHud. And don't get me started on that Oscar. Or the fact that it looks like she's chewing gum tonight.

SIDEBAR #11: I kind of knew in my heart that Matthew Matthews was going to wind up in the bottom. But I couldn't bear to actually put him there.

SHOCKER: Wow.

SIDEBAR #12: You've seen this happen before, Randy. Lots of times. Remember Season 3 with LaToya, JHud and Fantasia? And how many freaking times have you said that America's gotten it wrong? Are you kidding me?

JUDGE'S SAVE: Good God, J.Lo. Did you have to be that forceful? (Although it's good that we stopped that frightened massacre of Deborah Cox's best song. Did J2.0 every actually sing this song? Did I miss this during all the drinking?

SIDEBAR #13: Oh. Darn.

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The Voice: In Which Not Even This Bottle of Wine Can Contain My Anger Towards Both Comcast and NBC For Not Allowing Me To Fast Forward Through a Two Hour Episode On Demand After My Recording Failed Last Night

Oh my god. It's 10:45. I've just poured my first glass. And I am just now getting to the first clip package. The type of thing that I typically ignore, because I JUST DON'T CARE. And how many freaking commercials are you GOING TO SHOW DURING THE BREAKS?! DO I ACTUALLY HAVE TO SIT HERE FOR AN ENTIRE TWO HOURS?!?!?

Oh it's going to be a long night, friends. A night with the potential for A LOT OF YELLING.

You know, just so you're prepared.

1. Katrina Parker (Tonight, Tonight) - Well if you don't want people to think about Adele, why did you wear that dress and style your hair that way? Anyway. Sure, this was fine, albeit a little lackluster. I agree with Christina - more rocking out would have been nice. (On the other hand, Cee Lo's "constructive" criticism was complete crap.) But a solid effort. I'd vote if it weren't tomorrow already.

SIDEBAR - And now I'm being forced to watch commercials. Which means it's time for a shot of Jameson.

2. Cheesa (Don't Leave Me This Way) - Does it bother anyone else that her name SHOULD sound like Cheese-uh? Why wouldn't you just put two S's in there? Also, I hate the glitter around your eyes. You look like you should be performing on Dance Moms. But I blame Cee Lo and his general fashion nonsense for leading you astray. So to sum up: spell your name differently, and stop letting Cee Lo dress you. Oh. That was a fine performance. Fine.

SIDEBAR - So far, I think these first two performances are destined for the bottom three in their groups. They were fine, but not spectacular. America wants spectacular (well, except for Blake - he still wants to convince everyone that Xenia was a good choice). Sorry, ladies (including Xenia).

3. Tony Lucca (In Your Eyes) - Whenever a Peter Gabriel song came on the tape player in my college dance classes (shut up), our dance teacher would say "F*ck, aren't you glad he was born?" And then she would start dancing to herself in the mirror while all of us just watched in wonder.

But I don't think anyone would start dancing to oneself in the mirror to this performance. It was like listening to a watered-down Billy Joel song in the road production of Movin' Out. In Toledo.

Also, running around the stage giving everyone in the audience high fives is not a performance. Please do better next time. Apparently Justin Timberlake wants you to.

SIDEBAR: OK fine. I'll watch the performances online. But let it be known that I HATE watching TV on my laptop. That's why I have a TV.

4. Kim Yarbrough (Rolling in the Deep) - Come on, Levine. That's the best you can give her? Actually, I'm glad to be watching this on my laptop. I would not enjoy all this yelling with regular surround sound. And thank the sweet lord the internet also allows me to press the "stop" button on move on to the next clip. (Bottom three - and hopefully eliminated if tomorrow's/tonight's performance is anything like this.)

SIDEBAR: Don't worry. I'll still keep drinking, even though I don't have commercials to yell about.

5. James Massone (Don't Know Why) - Well this is a nice so-hold on, I think my cat is crying.

Nope. Not the cat. That was apparently supposed to be falsetto. My bad. And you're still WEARING THAT STUPID HEADBAND. Thank the ladies for taking you through to next week. Do better if you hope to get past that.

6. Juliet Simms (Roxanne) - And if you didn't think that I'd play the drinking game with this, you were mistaken. My word is "Roxanne". You can take "Red Light", since I still have to type and all.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And two glasses of wine gone, just like that. But it was actually worth it. Because that was the best performance of the night so far. (Damn - I typed that just as Levine was saying it.)

SIDEBAR: Christina needs to stop saying "dope".

7. Mathai (Ordinary People) - Oh good, Xenia's back. Except this time with some stage presence. And a bigger range. And more control. And the ability to smile.

Ok fine. I'm sorry I called you Xenia. That was a low blow.

8. Tony Vincent (Everybody Wants to Rule the World) - What the hell is this? Is anyone else wondering why Cee Lo put this dude on the set for Springtime for Hitler? And is anyone else wondering why this dude made it through the battle rounds over the guy who was way better only to come out on stage and put us through what sounds to me like a bad callback for a Tears For Fears revue? Bottom 3. Please.

9. Karla Davis (Airplanes) - What?

No seriously, what? Is she rapping? Who can we blame for this?

Timing is off. Vocals are weak. Song choice was terrible. And I'm not sure what key this is. (Neither is she.) Yeah, that's got to be a Bottom 3 performance if I've ever seen one.

10. Erin Martin (Walk Like an Egyptian) - Cee Lo is really missing the boat with his staging tonight. Like hardcore. I can't even say anything about this. That Roxanne wine is starting to hit me.

SIDEBAR: I'm not sure I can stomach a performance by someone named "Pip". It's going to be touch and go here for a while.

11. Pip (When You Were Young) - Oh good lord. Adam, if you want him to be "more dangerous and scary" then maybe you lose the skinny red pants and the STUPID BOW TIE. And the resemblance to Lucas Grabeel is only adding to the whole High School Musical vibe. Come on kid, Get'cha Head In the Game. This is not What I've Been Looking For. We're All In This Together.

SIDEBAR: I'm sorry about those HSM song titles. Really, that did no one any favors.

SIDEBAR: Yes, I had to look them up.

12. Jamar Rogers (Are You Gonna Go My Way) - Nice and rockstar. And who doesn't love a guitar player on stilts? I'm glad Jamar's getting a second shot, post-Idol-letdown.

SIDEBAR: Thanks to the magic of the internet, I was able to finish the performances in an hour. Which leaves us some time for the results. Here goes nothin.

JESSIE J: Fun. I've always wondered what Jessie J would sound like live. Not surprisingly, I do not care for it. And this is why music producers will always have jobs. (Minor improvement when Team Christina joined in at the end. MINOR.)

Top Three Adam: Mathai, Tony & Pip
Bottom Three Adam: Karla, Katrina & Kim

Yeah, that's probably about right. If last night was any indicator, it should be Karla and Kim who goes home.

SIDEBAR: Why is Pip still wearing that stupid bow tie?

Top Three Cee Lo: Juliet, Jamar, James
Bottom Three Cee Lo: Cheesa, Tony, Erin

Ugh. I don't care. Send all three home.

Kim 2 (Spotlight) - Ouch. I hope that's not enough.

Karla 2 (I Can't Make You Love Me) - Stop waving your hand around. Wait, isn't that a song? Oh it's late.

Katrina 2 (Don't Speak)- Yeah, save her. Just because she's not yelling at me. And I can actually hear her. I fully support the middleground in this instance.

SAVED: Katrina. (Thank god.)

SIDEBAR: I find it strange how since the battle rounds, they jet the people who are saved off the stage immediately, without even a moment of gratitude.

SIDEBAR: I don't care about Cee Lo's performances. I just want Tony and his eyeliner to go home.

SIDEBAR: I wonder if I have any chips?

SIDEBAR: Oh, there's Katrina in the twitter room. I wonder if she actually wanted to hug anyone on her team. I bet she would. She seems nice.

Tony 2 (Sweet Dreams) - God, you're creepy. And not in a good way. I'm concerned that you're trying to control my mind through the television screen. And the director's in on it too, if the camera change every eight counts is any indication. I'm going to have nightmares about this.

Cheesa 2 (All By Myself) - Let's take a moment to remember LaToya London's performance of this song on Idol Season 3. Or Celine Dion's version from Falling Into You. Or Jewel's recording in the epiphany scene of Clueless. Anything to keep me from listening to this.

Erin 2 (Your Song) - Wait, who did I call Xenia earlier? Not her? Which one is this? Oh the Egypt girl without her dancers. This...is...can't...keep...

I think one of my eardrums just ruptured. That sucks.

Seriously, send them all home. Shut up, Levine. That was no one's best. And we know why you love Erin's voice, Blake. She sounds like freaking Xenia.

WHY DOES EVERYONE SOUND LIKE XENIA? ARE MY EARS BLEEDING?

SAVED: Cheesa (Fine. Lesser of three evils.)

This was a rough one, friends. And I'm not going to proofread, because I've had one too many Roxannes and still have to work tomorrow. Happy Tuesday to you.

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Idol 11: Ten Episodes in One Day (Week 5)

WEEK 5: The 80s - Great. I didn't like the 80s back when we were in them. And I realized today while reading a magazine that tightrolling jeans is back. And so are the neon colors.

Let me say it now: I don't care how fashionable this is. I'm not doing it.

OK, we're in the home stretch here, so I'm going to power through.

This Woman's Work (I Like It) - Oh whatever. I can't stand this falsetto crap. So I went to the kitchen to make some microwave popcorn. And this is one of those times I wish I couldn't see/hear my TV from my kitchen. Bleh.

Pink Streaks 11.1 (I Want To Know What Love Is) - I was hoping that pink hair thing last week was just a fluke. But no, it's back for the second week in a row. (I thought we were rid of it after makeover week!) And while I'm passionately against streaked hair, I find that I'm indifferent to the vocals each week.

ISLANDS IN THE STREAM - Yes. This is an awesome song. And they're doing gr - Wait. What is that?! No. NO. Why more pink streaks? Dammit, Redneck. Why do you have to ruin everything?

Matthew Matthews (That's All) - Well, it's always a good thing when I prefer an Idol performance to the original. Granted, the bar was set pretty low with this one, because I think Phil Collins is lame, but still. I enjoyed this.

Also, you know I'm not going to say anything bad about MM unless he seriously screws up. So there's that.

I'M SO EXCITED - This was a good performance. (But the halfhearted pyro was just sad.) Maybe So Tiny should try singing some more uptempo songs instead of pretending to sustain those long notes.

Mantasia (If You Don't Know Me By Now) - Oh come on. What is that jacket? For the second week in a row, you're making some really poor choices. Also, from Wikipedia: ""If You Don't Know Me by Now" is a song written by Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff and recorded by the Philly soul musical group Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, which became their first hit after being released as a single in 1972 topping the R&B chart and peaking at number three on the Pop chart." Sooooo...80s? Now you're going to make me rewind and listen to the Jimmy session. Oh, I see. You're giving the credit to Simply Red. 1989. Well, I would have been more angry if you'd said "It was made famous by Patti LaBelle in 1985." So thanks for not going there.

Jasmine 2.0 (How Will I Know) - Sure. Good singing. (Actually, great singing.) And I suppose you get some credit for modernizing an 80s look without making me throw my glass at the screen. So...ok.

SIDEBAR #1 - STOP NAMEDROPPING RANDY. JUST STOP IT.

SIDEBAR #2 - I was going to say something else for that previous sidebar, but then Jackson just made me mad.

STOP DRAGGIN' MY HEART AROUND - From Wikipedia "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around was the first single from Stevie Nicks' debut solo album Bella Donna. It was written by Tom Petty and Mike Campbell as a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song, but Jimmy Iovine, who was also working Stevie Nicks at the time, arranged for her to sing on it. Petty sang with Nicks in the chorus and bridge, whilst his entire band played on the song."

SIDEBAR #3 - Yes, I'm relying on Wikipedia a lot at this hour. But I'm trying not to be bored. And don't forget, I'm indifferent to both Stevie's Kindred Spirit and Stevie nicks music in general. But yes, this song was perfect for both SKS and MM.

So Small (What a Feeling) - Yes, this is better. No one is going to say "Oh that Irene Cara - you just don't touch her songs." And FINALLY, the sustained notes are working, at least when the tempo picked up. J.Lo is right. Let everything go and the whole song will come together.

I KNEW YOU WERE WAITING - You know, I'll say this for the duets: they're much better suited for each singer than those stupid trios from last week. I'm almost not mad that they're clearly being used to fill up a two hour show with 12 songs rather than just letting me go to bed earlier after 90 minutes.

SIDEBAR #4 - Randy, I hate you.

ABSTJD (Time After Time) - I can't help but remember Nadia Turner singing this (and rocking it) and then being voted out. Yes, this is better that that performance, but she had weird hair too, so it's some risky business.

Wait, what did the drummer do? Dammit, I'm going to have to rewind and watch again.

Yeah, that was some kickass drumming. And a good high note that I didn't notice the first time. What do you want from me? This is my ninth episode of the day.

Redneck Woman (Wind Beneath My Wings) - You were in the bottom three last week, and this is what you choose to trot out? Yes, I love a pedal steel, but even it's not enough to make this work.

Oh fine. I'll forgive you this time, because those last notes were killer. But I'm not standing up. Or wiping tears from my eyes. (Yes, I'm looking at you, J.Lo.)

BOTTOM THREE: Stevie's Kindred Spirit, This Woman's Work, So Small
SHOULD GO: This Woman's Work

SIDEBAR #5 - Oooh, they're still showing reruns of N3MBERS? I can get behind that.

SIDEBAR #6 - What is with these montages we have to have at the beginning of every results show, underscored by some song that has nothing to do with anything?

J.LO VIDEO - Good times. I actually can't wait to see her do this live. Because she will tear up the stage.

GLAD YOU CAME - I like this song. I especially like how the last word of every line is the first word of the next line in the bridge. And have you seen this video? It's a party. Makes me want to go to Ibiza.

Wait, So Small has a pink streak too? WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING TO ME?

PICKLER - Ha! Remember Pickler back in the day? Look what a few years can do. Maybe we should raise the minimum age again, and let the 16 year olds practice a little longer.

ELIMINATED: This Woman's Work (Finally. Sorry, J.Lo.)

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Idol 11: Ten Episodes in One Day (Week 4)

WEEK 4: Personal Idols - And somehow Randy is getting more and more absurd every week. Is that a candy necklace? Is. That. A. Candy. Necklace?

I can't even talk about the puka shell bracelet. It's like we're in a different world here. A world that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Oh, also, I went through at least two bottles of wine and some bourbon slush this afternoon. Oh Easter.

ABSTJD (Everything) - Oh I love Lifehouse. I'm with Jimmy. I'm in with Colton...

Except that was just ok. Thank god he took it up once the chorus hit. But why is it a worship song? It's Lifehouse. Those dudes aren't worshipping. They have another song about a guy killing himself and saying that the joke's on you.

Redneck Woman (Gunpowder & Lead) - If she's not careful, she's going to start veering more toward Kristy Lee than Miranda Lambert. And that's a risky place to be. And does the world really need another Miranda Lambert? I'm not so sure.

THE FLEETWOOD TRIO - Come on MM. The low part of Landslide is easy. You can do better than that. You know who else could do better? 1) The audience members who are trying to sway their arms to the beat. Just a few weeks ago you all managed to snap together. What happened? 2) The person who arranged this medley. It was lame.

Rolly's (A Song For You) - Well, Elliott Yamin you're not. And that suit jacket is stupid. And don't even get me started on the floppy hat. And J.Lo, you can have all the tone and vibrato in the world but if you don't have ANY DICTION then who cares?!

Ugh.

SIDEBAR #1: Stevie Nicks makes me nervous. If she whispered to me like that, I think I might run away.

Very Tiny (Jesus Take the Wheel) - Oh no. Not this thing. Singing Carrie is soooooo risky. Sure, Pickler all you want. I'd even be ok if you tried to Fantasia something in a country fashion. But Carrie was the most consistent Idol singer ever and when you try to emulate her, it just brings out any slight imperfections. And there were quite a few. I like you. I really do. So please sing better.

This Woman's Work (Sometimes I Cry) - Great. A whole song in falsetto again. It's really a fine line between Maxwell and Peabo Bryson.

Jasmine 2.0 (Sweet Dreams) - Harp! It's hard to sing with a harp. And it's hard to sing Beyonce any time. But this is a really good performance and a great arrangement. One question though. What's with all the doors?

THE HAT TRIO - This seems like an awkward Hollywood Week performance. Especially because Rolly's can't remember any of the steps. And also looks like he doesn't belong there at all. If this wasn't the nail in his coffin, I don't know what else it will take. If I'm missing Danny Freaking Gokey, then everyone is doing something wrong.

Matthew Matthews (Still Rainin') - What? Jonny Lang is your idol? That's the best you can come up with? Yes, he's an awesome player and a good singer. But that's all you've got? I'm worried MM. People vote for songs they know. They do not know Jonny Lang. Thank god you're still wearing a gray shirt, otherwise I'd think you went totally off the deep end.

SIDEBAR #2 - Because we can't get enough of Jackson namedropping.

SIDEBAR #3 - Dionne Warwick, Jordin Sparks and DeRulo all in the same row? Love it. (Yes, I know Jordin and DeRulo are dating. I'm excited that the Jordin clearly knows Dionne.)

Mantasia (Without You) - Also risky. But I have a good feeling about it -

Wait, don't stop to touch the prop tree. That looks weird.

- and I'm disappointed. Maybe I like the original too much. Or maybe I'm annoyed at the way he made the word "you" sound like something Cher would sing.

SIDEBAR #4 - Damn it Jackson, shut up. We know you're friends with Mariah. You tell us every year.

THE MADONNA TRIO - I didn't think it was possible, especially with the other two powerhouse singers, but Redneck totally stole this. I'm gonna leave it at that.

Stevie's Kindred Spirit (Whole Lotta Love) - Hold on. Why was it "Sing With Stevie" time? Was someone just like "Hey, you guys should sing this. It'll be good for the cameras." What did it have to do with her actual song? Sure, the live performance was way more interesting than any sleepy Nicks stuff. But I'm still confused.

Maybe it's all the wine.

Speaking of, my glass is empty again. Hold please.

Aaaaand we're back.

Wait, who's this dude? Eric Benet? Wasn't he married to Halle Berry? The one with the sex addiction? Or am I just making stuff up?

Oh, right. Sorry. It's the results show. I forgot. SHOULD GO - Rolly's. But I think Very Tiny is in trouble too. And probably Mantasia.

NICKI MINAJ - This sounds like it should be a Kary Perry song. But really, as long as she doesn't trot out the weird Roman nonsense from the Grammys, I can be on board. Even if she does look really confused the whole time she's singing. Sorry, "singing".

SCOTTY MCCREERY - You know, when I complained that I'm tired of all these non-winners performing, I didn't mean for them to bring in Scotty. Sure, it's fine.

No, it's fine. Whatever. But he can't even successfully fist bump.

ELIMINATED: Rolly's. (Good. Everyone learn from this. Diction. Do it.)

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Idol 11: Ten Episodes in One Day (Week 3)

WEEK 3: Billy Joel - Why is Diddy the guest mentor for Billy Joel week? That doesn't make any sense. And why are you arguing? And talking about Christie Brinkley? WHAT IS GOING ON?

And we're doing makeovers this week? I know I've moved to the second pitcher of mimosas, but did I also accidentally stumble into an episode of ANTM? Is someone going to have to shave their head later? Will someone get a weave? I can't wait.

This Woman's Work (Only the Good Die Young) - From Wikipedia "The song was controversial for its time, with the lyrics describing a boy who tries to convince a Catholic girl who is a virgin to have sex with him." Huh. Who knew? Just like a few people last week, this was decent background music while I spent my time googling things.

Pink Streaks 11.0 Felicity (New York State of Mind) - Well, I'm glad the streaks are gone. They were getting more and more Overmeyer as time passed and I was starting to be concerned. The new look definitely gave Felicity some confidence and this performance was the best one I've seen from her.

SIDEBAR #1: This is the second time I've seen a pianist play from an iPad. I want one.

Mantasia (She's Got a Way) - Hm. This is my goto Billy Joel song. So I don't know if I love the gospel choir treatment. At some point it just turns into screaming.

Darn. My champagne flute just shattered. But if it wasn't the screeching, then it might have been me knocking it off the table. One of the two.

Redneck Woman (Shameless) - Cheating. Garth Brooks already countrified this song. But I love a pedal steel, so I'll let it slide this time.

What I'm not going to let slide? That backup singer's stupid outfit. From hat to glasses to vest, it's just bad bad news. Bad. Like, seriously bad.

Ha. Randy was pitchy again tonight, when he decided to announce that Brad Paisley had covered this ("Oh I forgot Garth did it too"). Just checked. Nope. Only Garth. Good job, Jackson.

Another Ill-Advised Hat (Vienna) - Nope. Not feeling it this week either. And if you want America to keep you out of the bottom three again, maybe choose a song that everyone knows. And don't do that weird hand thing when you're changing notes in a run.

I like a nice accordion, though. So there's that.

Matthew Matthews (Movin' Out) - Yessssss. Love this arrangement. (Sorry, Jenni.) I'm already imagining Randy hating it, though.

Well, look at that. Sometimes Jackson surprises you. What's not surprising? His insistence on wearing ANOTHER STUPID PIN. God, Randy. Is your niece trying to launch a jewelry business? Enough already.

SIDEBAR #2 - Please no one sing Piano Man.

Very Tiny (Honesty) - Oh look. She just naturally has those Celine vowels. And this has a very Toni Braxton Unbreak My Heart sort of vibe, especially with the pedestal. (We know she's short. You don't have to make her stand on a box like she's Tom Cruise.) But here's the problem - a good tone and powerful lungs don't make a difference if you can't sing all the notes properly. This was rough.

SIDEBAR #3 - Yeah! That chick! She's the one I was talking about last week. Er, last hour. Or last pitcher. Um. What?

Rolly's (Some Song That I'm Going To Ignore Because I Hate His Stupid Floppy Hat and the STUPID SKIT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PERFORMANCE) - No.
Jasmine 2.0 (Everybody Has a Dream) - I don't know this song. Does Billy gospel it up like that? It was fine. Just not very Joel. And luckily, far better than Trias ever was.

ABSTJD (Piano Man) - Dammit. Jerk. And why are you squeaking so much?

SHOULD GO: Rolly's.

GROUP PERFORMANCE (The Longest Time) - How did they get the audience to actually snap in the correct time? That's hard to do. Also, this performance doesn't make me want to throw things. I might even go so far to say that it's good. Maybe getting rid of that other vocal coach was a good move - because these harmonies are far better than usual.

LANA DEL RAY - Who? Is that Mena Suvari? And is she wearing a tutu? I have no idea what she's saying. Plus, please stop with the videos - you're going to give someone a seizure. And then they'll be lulled into a coma, because this song is about to put me to sleep.

Even though I love a pizzicato string.

No, I just can't. This is the longest song in the world.

JOE PERRY: Man, that dude is looking rough. And Overmeyered. (P.S. to producers - Comic Sans is not appropriate for national television.)

HALEY REINHART: Why is she in a cage? I mean, I get it, but why? I don't want to listen to this. She didn't win. Why is she here? Are none of the winners available this season?

BOTTOM THREE: Rolly's, This Woman's Work, Felcity
ELIMINATED: Felicity (Have we learned nothing, America? A drastic haircut is NEVER THE ANSWER. From Wikipedia: In 2010, TV Guide Network listed [Felicity's] hairstyle change at #19 on their list of 25 Biggest TV Blunders with several commentators arguing that it was the reason that the ratings of the show dropped. See? It was inevitable.)

That's six episodes gone since I started watching this morning. My TiVo capacity now has an additional 10% of available space. But I need a break. Back soon.

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Idol 11: Ten Episodes in One Day (Week 2)

WEEK 2 - Year You Were Born (1983-1995). Always a good time. Plus, I enjoy that Tyler has stolen a page from the J.Lo Kohl's line with his sparkly hat and pant suit ensemble. (Jackson, I'm going to ignore another stupid pin. Please stop that next week.)

Actually, in googling to find a picture of the hat ensemble, apparently both Tyler and J.Lo frequently rock a wide-brim hat. But who wore it first? Who wears it better? This is a chicken and egg situation that is going to require some more research.

Matthew Matthews (Hard To Handle): Look! It's not all a Matthews impersonation. And I can even understand most of these words. And there's a Hammond. AND he didn't pick up the microphone stand and start walking around like so many before him have done. Quality.

Jasmine 2.0 (Turn the Beat Around): As soon as this started up, I got some scary Haley Scarnato flashbacks. This performance was fine, but the real question is why does she need both a handheld and a body mic? A body mic which is just thrown right there in her ribbon sash thingy? I don't get it.

Rolly's (Right Here Waiting): Well, that's a nice suit, at least.

Ill-Advised Fedora (Let's Stay Together): Not having watched most of last season when Pia's elimination McPheevered me, I don't remember. But isn't this chick just like that other raspy one who came in third? Hm.

This Woman's Work (Endless Love): Something about this outfit isn't working for me. Also, way to choose the most boring song ever.

The Amazon (One Sweet Day): Oops. Spoke too soon.

ABSTJD (Broken Heart): Sure, that was good. But seriously, HOW do you put on those pants? I'm with Steven. I didn't feel that either. Perhaps there's a reason that White Lion never rocketed to super stardom?

Pink Streaks 11.0 (Heaven): Yes, darkening the streaks was a good plan. But if one isn't careful, one runs the risk of Overmeyer-ing. And that's not a position one wants to be in. Especially with a weird performance.

LEGAL SIDEBAR: Ol' Man River (Somewhere Out There): This was anticlimactic. I wanted him to be led off the stage in cuffs. But instead you make me listen to freaking Somewhere Out There?! Where's the drama? Where's the controversy? Boo, producers. Boooooo.

Gretchen Wilson (Love Sneakin' Up On You): Sorry, I was busy looking for pictures of big floppy hats. But this was nice background music.

Mantasia (When a Man Loves a Woman): If I wanted to see someone peel a crawfish, I'd be watching the Food Network. Plus, I hope he got some time to wash his hands backstage. Stop making him try to eat them, Seacrest.

That notwithstanding, WHY did you have to do that weird church striptease? That was uncomfortable. Most of this post has apparently been about fashion, and you just put the icing on the cake.

Oh right, sure that was a good performance. The best Idol performance ever, Jennifer? No. But it was good.

Very Tiny (The Power of Love): There were a few fun Celine-isms in this performance. Including a chest hit. But that last note was NOT a Celine worthy finish. Sad. (Wait, were the judges smoking crack? Did they eat too much bad crawfish? Blew that out the box? No. You're pitchy, Jackson.)

SHOULD GO: The Amazon

Oooh...do we not have to watch a group performance? That would be awesome.

DEMI LOVATO: What is this? Why so much vibrato? And so much hair? And such a lyrically complex chorus (cough)? And a Guns N Roses t-shirt to show you're hardcore?

Geez.

DAUGHTRY: I always liked this guy. I'm sorry he's getting sued. I also feel a little bad that I only bought his first CD. I'm usually a little more supportive than that. Oh well.

ELIMINATED: The Amazon (Sorry, you never had a chance with the Judges. But I'm glad someone convinced you to put on some flats. Now that you're not stuck next to all those other tiny contestants, you should totally own your height.)

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