Wow. It is far too late to be awake. But this is what happens when one passes out on a futon at 9pm and then wakes up at midnight. You get a second wind, all ready to harshly judge those with talents you do not possess. On the other hand, you're far more likely to sit at your computer and say the word "possess" over and over, convinced that there should only be three s's. Lack of sleep will do that to you.
Or it could be the triple vodka limeade I just had. Hard to say.
I really hope we start separating the wheat from the chaff soon. Because I'm tired of the boring people taking up space. And as we've seen, if we don't eliminate them now, they might swoop in and win the whole thing. Yeah, Canned Crab, I'm talking to you.
FOB (Ron): Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying. I caught a "Bob Marley" and a "love and peace" somewhere in there, but most of the time I can only focus on your crazy red-orange crocs. Try some diction.
Jamie Lee Walsh (Robin): You're going to have to do something to make me have an opinion about you. Something. Anything. Please. UPDATE: I decided that you vaguely remind me of Carol Potter, the mom from the original 90210, with just a hint (a soupcon, if you will) of hermaphrodite thrown in. Do something interesting and maybe that will change.
Blanched (Preeti): I know. I'm struggling. But not everyone can be named "Lame." And the blanch water was just the beginning of the disaster that was Preeti this week.
OBSERVATION #1 - Everyone who thinks that doing three kinds of potatoes makes you better? A number is not impressive. Just cook food that is good and stop throwing ingredients in there.
Cain (Michael V): I'm going to get tired of the whole "I won one, he won one" thing real fast. Especially if they're going to show the one that didn't win looking all despondent after the fact. But I have to hand it to Cain - cooking bacon is always the way to go. Gail will eat it all day every day, and that's what we want to hear.
Jerz (Michael I): Ha. Way to put yourself into the bottom three. Douche.
Frenchy (Mattin): I love that everyone calls you this - including people who make it impossible to understand 90% of the other words they say.
OBSERVATION #2 - I totally voted to have Gail as my co-pilot, but that's probably because I know she'd have a flask on her. And that's probably why 54% of the voters picked Tom. Come on people, live it up a little.
Veggie (Laurine): Doesn't this always happen? Someone thinks that there has to be a vegetarian dish, and they end up in the bottom three. You know why? VEGETARIAN DISHES ARE LAME. And I don't even care if I offend vegetarians. You food blows. Eat some bacon.
Atlanta Santa (Kevin): Don't get me started on your "BBQ." You know where to find the best BBQ in the South? KC Pit BBQ in Shady Springs, GA. See? The authenticity is right there in the name.
OBSERVATION #3 - Wow, Padma. Nice leopard print. Way to bring it home for your country.
Pierce (Jesse): Well, at least you finally didn't land in the bottom. But I don't think you're long for this world. Maybe take out that thing in your lip. I think it's unlucky.
OBSERVATION #4 - The mini-sodes are lame this season. I can't believe I'm actually wishing for someone to make out on a couch.
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): You make me tired with all your winning. And your yelling at people to not talk about things other than food. And your painter's tape. At least you didn't win $15K this week.
Hector: Uh...sure.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you. (Yes, this is a repeat, but it's still relevant. Gail all the way!)
Fat Kid (Eli): As one who consumed 4 lbs of potato salad this weekend, I support your decision. Even though I have a feeling there was too much vinegar in there, I'll go with it. Because you didn't once call that pork stuff BBQ.
Abel (Bryan V): Don't look so sad when you don't win. Bacon trumps steak any time. Did you think about wrapping the steak in bacon? That's how you bring it home.
Angsty McLesbian (Ashley): What happened to you? Here's what should have happened right at the beginning of elimination: "I find it beyond comprehension that we have to cook for members of the military, when at least three of us (camera flash to Blanch and Ash) are not allowed to be out and proud anywhere in the institution." If you're going to make me dislike you, make it for being stupid and angry and not just stupid. "Everyone likes custard." No. No they do not.
Ash: Nice one with your chilled sweet potato custard. When I said that not everyone likes custard? I didn't mean me. I am all for it. Thank you for always making dessert, even when you don't intend to.
A double elimination would have ruled. And Padma was so riled up this week, I thought it might actually happen. But Gail probably talked her down. The voice of reason. Oh Gail.
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Thursday, September 3, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Project Runway: Tessellations, Ponyhawks and LiLo, Oh My
Maybe the freakishly long delay between seasons has made me complacent in my Target/Kohl's uniforms, or maybe it's the fact that there is a harsher glare in LA...but man, it seriously hurts my eyes to see that these people are supposed to be telling the public how to look. Are you kidding me? You clearly can't dress yourselves...why should I listen to you? We're going to need a lot of wine, kids.
I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:
Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:
"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)
There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.
SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?
Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.
Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.
This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.
Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?
Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.
Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.
Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.
SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?
We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.
Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.
Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.
MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.
SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.
Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.
Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.
Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.
SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."
Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.
And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.
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I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:
Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:
"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)
There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.
SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?
Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.
Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.
This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.
Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?
Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.
Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.
Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.
SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?
We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.
Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.
Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.
MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.
SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.
Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.
Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.
Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.
SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."
Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.
And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Top Chef 6: Too Many Tattoos, Not Enough Drama
Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart? No one is wearing madras. Everyone has tattoos. No one has a fauxhawk. It's almost like they don't care that I am writing and need reasons to give people nicknames.
Jerks.
The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?
And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.
Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.
FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.
Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.
Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.
OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.
Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.
Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.
Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.
OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?
Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.
Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.
OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.
Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.
Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.
OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.
Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.
Eve: Who?
Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.
Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.
Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?
Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.
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Jerks.
The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?
And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.
Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.
FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.
Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.
Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.
OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.
Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.
Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.
Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.
OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?
Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.
Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.
OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.
Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.
Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.
OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.
Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.
Eve: Who?
Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.
Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.
Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?
Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Annoyed To Find Nothing Significant To Make Fun Of
I suppose the magic couldn't last forever. But I have to admit that at the end of this twist-filled season, we'd get one last shocker.
No such luck. Unless you count a 16-year-old propositioning a man twice her age shocking. And if she weren't giggling like she was trying to ask someone to the Sadie Hawkins dance, it might have been. Instead it was just ... well, cute isn't the word. Still REID!!! managed to play it off nicely.
If anything was shocking it was the way that the man formerly known as Lametown (REID!!!) came off as poised and witty, even in the wake of heartbreak. (I've been waiting to use that phrase for weeks now.) Anyone else really want to know what his fantasy suite question was?
I'm going out of order. That's because I've never hidden my distaste for KPTN and his nonsense. And he didn't disappoint, because that was the most boring ten minutes of my life. So boring that I'm going to ignore the whole thing, you know, aside from the obvious untucked button down/jeans ensemble. (Come on dude, branch out.)
Having REID!!! around clearly made less time for questions, which is probably a good thing. But I'm glad we had time for those last two. Because the only real highlight of this otherwise dull epilogue was Chris telling JHo to pipe down while he grilled Mr. Potato Ed about his heinous green shorts. Oh Chris - I think I'll miss you most of all.
And MPE clearly improved his game, as evidenced by JHo's giddy response to the second question, relating to their boudoir antics. Oh MPE. If you hadn't worn those godforsaken shorts so many times, we never even would have questioned your masculinity. But the fact that JHo is pink with barely contained glee when discussing your relations has assured us that maybe you really were just exhausted and sunburnt before.
SIDEBAR #1 - You know what helps? Covering up a bit more. The lower thigh is very susceptible to sunburn. Try some board shorts - not your apparently new tiny blue madness which makes me visibly cringe whenever I think about it.
And finally, thank you Jillian for closing the night out with "I swore right before getting proposed to? Classy."
Yes. Yes, you are.
And that's it for Bachelorette 5, kids. Tune in August 20th and 21st for recaps of the new seasons of Top Chef and Project Runway. And maybe I'll throw in some Next Food Network or Design Star during the interim. Or maybe I'll just sit back with some sangria. We'll see.
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No such luck. Unless you count a 16-year-old propositioning a man twice her age shocking. And if she weren't giggling like she was trying to ask someone to the Sadie Hawkins dance, it might have been. Instead it was just ... well, cute isn't the word. Still REID!!! managed to play it off nicely.
If anything was shocking it was the way that the man formerly known as Lametown (REID!!!) came off as poised and witty, even in the wake of heartbreak. (I've been waiting to use that phrase for weeks now.) Anyone else really want to know what his fantasy suite question was?
I'm going out of order. That's because I've never hidden my distaste for KPTN and his nonsense. And he didn't disappoint, because that was the most boring ten minutes of my life. So boring that I'm going to ignore the whole thing, you know, aside from the obvious untucked button down/jeans ensemble. (Come on dude, branch out.)
Having REID!!! around clearly made less time for questions, which is probably a good thing. But I'm glad we had time for those last two. Because the only real highlight of this otherwise dull epilogue was Chris telling JHo to pipe down while he grilled Mr. Potato Ed about his heinous green shorts. Oh Chris - I think I'll miss you most of all.
And MPE clearly improved his game, as evidenced by JHo's giddy response to the second question, relating to their boudoir antics. Oh MPE. If you hadn't worn those godforsaken shorts so many times, we never even would have questioned your masculinity. But the fact that JHo is pink with barely contained glee when discussing your relations has assured us that maybe you really were just exhausted and sunburnt before.
SIDEBAR #1 - You know what helps? Covering up a bit more. The lower thigh is very susceptible to sunburn. Try some board shorts - not your apparently new tiny blue madness which makes me visibly cringe whenever I think about it.
And finally, thank you Jillian for closing the night out with "I swore right before getting proposed to? Classy."
Yes. Yes, you are.
And that's it for Bachelorette 5, kids. Tune in August 20th and 21st for recaps of the new seasons of Top Chef and Project Runway. And maybe I'll throw in some Next Food Network or Design Star during the interim. Or maybe I'll just sit back with some sangria. We'll see.
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The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Happy, Then Disappointed and Then Realize That I Am Out of Wine
OK kids, this is it. Are you ready for the big day? Has two weeks of anticipation made it that much more exciting? (Yes, I know the Men Tell All nonsense was on in between, but I am not wasting my time with that trash. I fast forwarded through most of it - there's a reason Jill got rid of these dudes: most of them are douches.)
But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.
7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.
7:09 - OK, I'm bored.
7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.
7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.
7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?
7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?
7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?
7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.
7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."
7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.
7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?
7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.
7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.
7:34 - Damn.
7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.
7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.
7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!
7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.
7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.
7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?
7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.
7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)
7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!
7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.
8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.
8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?
8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.
8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.
8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...
8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.
8:25 - REID!!!
8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?
8:29 - REID!!!!!
8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...
8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!
8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.
8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.
8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.
8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.
8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.
8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?
8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.
8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.
8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...
9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.
9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.
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But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.
7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.
7:09 - OK, I'm bored.
7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.
7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.
7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?
7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?
7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?
7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.
7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."
7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.
7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?
7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.
7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.
7:34 - Damn.
7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.
7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.
7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!
7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.
7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.
7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?
7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.
7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)
7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!
7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.
8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.
8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?
8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.
8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.
8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...
8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.
8:25 - REID!!!
8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?
8:29 - REID!!!!!
8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...
8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!
8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.
8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.
8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.
8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.
8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.
8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?
8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.
8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.
8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...
9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.
9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.
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Thursday, July 16, 2009
Top Chef 6: Starting Off on the Wrong Foot
In an unprecedented display of poor judgment, Top Chef has announced that Toby Young (last season's lame Simon Cowell-esque attempt at a Gail stand-in) will be returning as one of the judges. (Don't worry, Padma, Gail! and Tom will still be there, too.) I know he says he learned from Tom last season, but I still hope that we'll have a few more withering glances and directed comments from Tom in our future. That's the only thing that is going to make this tolerable. (Premiere - August 19th)
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Realize That Things Are Not Going To Work Out the Way I Want Them To, Giving Me a Case of Writer's Block
Here's the problem. The excessive amounts of wine, combined with a week's worth of speculation and theorizing, make Monday nights both a cathartic and stressful experience. I swear, all I've dreamed about this week was Jillian and her three ring circus, much like the monotonous dreams I have when I've played too much Minesweeper.
Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).
KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.
SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?
When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.
Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.
And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.
Lame.
Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)
I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.
SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.
Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)
OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.
And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.
SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)
CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.
Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)
But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.
1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)
2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")
3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.
4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.
5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.
6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.
SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.
THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.
RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."
But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!
ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.
SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.
I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?
Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.
I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.
NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.
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Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).
KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.
SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?
When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.
Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.
And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.
Lame.
Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)
I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.
SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.
Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)
OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.
And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.
SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)
CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.
Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)
But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.
1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)
2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")
3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.
4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.
5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.
6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.
SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.
THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.
RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."
But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!
ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.
SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.
I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?
Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.
I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.
NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which Jillian Shows Unprecedented Restraint and Clarity
Oh children. I threw my arms in the air in triumph/amazement so many times last night, I think I sprained something. (Don't worry - I'm still able to hold a glass.) The only way I could have been happier with this week's episode is if it had also featured the impending "it happens to every guy" scene.
KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.
Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.
LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.
CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.
Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.
Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.
THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.
SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.
ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.
Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.
SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?
Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!
SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.
TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.
NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.
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KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.
Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.
LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.
CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.
Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.
Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.
THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.
SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.
ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.
Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.
SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?
Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!
SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.
TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.
NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.
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Friday, July 3, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Fully Convinced That The Writers On This Show Would Actually Prefer To Be Working On The Hills
I got about five texts during this episode all saying "Jillian Is a Ho." Except with more creative (and probably wine-induced) spelling. But I got news for you kids - hot tub or not - this was nothing. Come on, even Jillian is going to keep things fairly chaste when someone's mom is watching from the kitchen window.
Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
Continue Reading
Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
Continue Reading
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which the Upcoming Scandal Makes Up For Last Week's Snoozefest, Which Took Me a Full Week To Get Through
It's true. Last week was so freaking boring that I sat down to watch it no fewer than seven times. And every time I FELL ASLEEP. Note to the producers: Jillian rolling around in the snow and saying "aboat" every ten seconds does not a good episode make.
But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
Continue Reading
But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Simultaneously Loathe Myself For Watching and Love Tivo For Letting Me Watch a Day Late
Seriously, every time I hear the words "Previously on The Bachelorette" I die a little bit inside. Do you know how much quality television is saved on my Tivo? And yet, I choose to spend two hours with this drivel. But then Chris Harrison promises something shocking (all it takes is a montage of fun, followed by an ominous "Then...") and I'm hooked again. Damn you, Bachelorette. Damn you for making me care.
1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Strongly Consider Liposuction and/or a Chin Implant
Wow, nothing makes me feel quite as short and round as watching a bunch of dudes parading around with their shirts off. But then they start to bust out the flops and the stocking caps (It's summer. In LA. Come on.) and I start to direct my anger elsewhere.
One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Idol Finale - Live!
I'm watching this on a bit of delay for several reasons - A) I was out shopping; B) I needed to order some dinner; and C) My wine wasn't chilled yet. But don't worry, I've poured myself a nice big glass - let the madness begin!
7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Idol Final 2: Live!
Welcome to tonight's live finale blog! (Although I have to admit that I'm already a little annoyed that I don't have a laptop or a tv in the same room as my computer. This running back and forth makes my drink slosh, and that's not cool. Plus, my cat is really confused.) Anyway. Here we go!
7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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Friday, May 15, 2009
Idol Top 3: In Which My Hopes Are Lifted Even Higher
Although this doesn't make up for the premature ouster of Charo, I'll take it. Just knowing that the last time I have to hear that dude sing his inevitable inspirational song is in the finale makes me forgive you, America. Almost.
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Idol Top 3: It's Too Late To Apologize
Yeah, so sometimes I get home at 2am. And sometimes I don't watch Idol until the day after it airs. And you know what? The harsh glare of DWD is even worse daylight hours than I could have imagined. And the judges? Completely useless. So in the interest of making something out of my day, I decided to fast forward through all the drivel.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
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Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
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Friday, May 8, 2009
Idol Top 4 Results: In Which It Takes Me a Full Day To Come To Terms
Enough of this random order stuff. You just don't want the people to know that your bottom two also includes The Chosen One. And eliminating Charo over DWDJr? Boo. Bad form, America.
GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
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GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
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Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Idol Top 4: You Shook Me All Night Long
OK, here's the thing. For me, for you, you know, it was all right. Yeah, they can sing, but I don't know man, I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe it was the arrangement, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I think - it was ok, it just, for me, wasn't great. Thanks for the words, Randy.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin - Sigh. This came as no surprise. I wasn't even surprised by the freakishly low cut of that shirt. How else was he going to show off all those accessories? (If this music thing doesn't pan out, he could totally be a spokesperson for Claire's.) That's right, producers, I don't care if you begin and end the show with this nonsense - I am not a fan. And I never will be. Suck it.
OBSERVATION #1: Kara totally went to the stylist today and asked for a rock chick haircut. And a leather jacket. Yeah, like that's all it's going to take to get WRS to love you, open mouth or not.
Charo - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin - I recall singing this song at the top of my lungs in the sound design lab in college with my friend Mariah. I don't know that we felt any angst at that point, but it's fun. This, on the other hand, was actually music and probably did not make people knock on her door telling her to shut up while they listened to a Brahms concerto. Yes, another song would have given her more opportunities to show her range, but mad props (not "prop" Kara) for knowing that Piece of My Heart has been done to death on this show. Finally someone is paying attention!
MatthewsMayerMraz and Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Renegade" by Styx - Good song. Even better harmonies. (No love for the backup singer that could actually sing - and sang the highest part? Harsh.) It was fun to see the contestants duet before the finale, but methinks this is just another way for the producers to pimp WRS.
OBSERVATION #2: Ok, let's talk rock fashion. Does anyone seem out of his element here? Even MMM busted out of his Plaid Shirt/Chuck Taylors look for a leather jackets and some boots. But not DWD. No. Simply untucking a billowy silk shirt does not make it rock - it just makes it look like something Jaleesa would have worn on A Different World. Add a chunky necklace and...oh wait.
MMM - "Come Together" by The Beatles - True Confessions time. I hate the Beatles. (Actually, I confessed that last season too, with the double Beatles week massacre.) It's true. I don't like their music or their wacky Liverpoolian charm. That said, I enjoyed this performance - mostly because MMM decided NOT TO SCREAM. God. Does everyone think you have to scream to make it rock?
DWDJr - "Dream On" by Aerosmith - Dude, don't you remember Biceps From Down Under's performance of this last season? Don't you remember how he got eliminated that week? Did you really think that emitting a wail not unlike that of a banshee was the right direction to go? And why are you wearing a pinstripe vest? Why did you try and get the band to give you more? Why could you not make it back to the mic in time to deliver that fist punch to the air at the end of the song? I would ask more why questions, but I'm wondering more about the "how?" As in How did you glasses not shatter during that last "note"?
OBSERVATION #3 - I guess we know what made the Idol set break down.
WRS and Charo "Slow Ride" by Foghat - Sure, this was moderately entertaining. And it was nice to watch Charo having some fun. But the harmonies were laaaaaame compared to the other duet. Besides I was too busy making fun of WSR's Beetlejuice pants (thanks Eric) to really enjoy the song.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people.
WILL GO: All the polls I'm reading say it's DWD's time, so I'm going with that. Mostly because I don't want to believe that MMM's time is through.
TONIGHT: Daughtry performing their new single. And a pre-taped performance by Paula of her new song "I’m Just Here for the Music"! This has to be the best news of the day. I forsee disaster. Beautiful disaster, if you will.
OTHER IDOL NEWS: Elliott Yamin's new album dropped yesterday. (Why do I always think of Macy Gray when I think about cd releases? Anyone else remember that?) The big question is - why haven't they brought him back to perform this year? He's way better than Pickler and Hicks. Put together. And where's Jordin been?
Kelly reportedly has a track on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now - very My December-y. It's ok. Not magical by any means, but I'll take any Kelly I can get.
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WickedRaverSiriano - "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin - Sigh. This came as no surprise. I wasn't even surprised by the freakishly low cut of that shirt. How else was he going to show off all those accessories? (If this music thing doesn't pan out, he could totally be a spokesperson for Claire's.) That's right, producers, I don't care if you begin and end the show with this nonsense - I am not a fan. And I never will be. Suck it.
OBSERVATION #1: Kara totally went to the stylist today and asked for a rock chick haircut. And a leather jacket. Yeah, like that's all it's going to take to get WRS to love you, open mouth or not.
Charo - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin - I recall singing this song at the top of my lungs in the sound design lab in college with my friend Mariah. I don't know that we felt any angst at that point, but it's fun. This, on the other hand, was actually music and probably did not make people knock on her door telling her to shut up while they listened to a Brahms concerto. Yes, another song would have given her more opportunities to show her range, but mad props (not "prop" Kara) for knowing that Piece of My Heart has been done to death on this show. Finally someone is paying attention!
MatthewsMayerMraz and Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Renegade" by Styx - Good song. Even better harmonies. (No love for the backup singer that could actually sing - and sang the highest part? Harsh.) It was fun to see the contestants duet before the finale, but methinks this is just another way for the producers to pimp WRS.
OBSERVATION #2: Ok, let's talk rock fashion. Does anyone seem out of his element here? Even MMM busted out of his Plaid Shirt/Chuck Taylors look for a leather jackets and some boots. But not DWD. No. Simply untucking a billowy silk shirt does not make it rock - it just makes it look like something Jaleesa would have worn on A Different World. Add a chunky necklace and...oh wait.
MMM - "Come Together" by The Beatles - True Confessions time. I hate the Beatles. (Actually, I confessed that last season too, with the double Beatles week massacre.) It's true. I don't like their music or their wacky Liverpoolian charm. That said, I enjoyed this performance - mostly because MMM decided NOT TO SCREAM. God. Does everyone think you have to scream to make it rock?
DWDJr - "Dream On" by Aerosmith - Dude, don't you remember Biceps From Down Under's performance of this last season? Don't you remember how he got eliminated that week? Did you really think that emitting a wail not unlike that of a banshee was the right direction to go? And why are you wearing a pinstripe vest? Why did you try and get the band to give you more? Why could you not make it back to the mic in time to deliver that fist punch to the air at the end of the song? I would ask more why questions, but I'm wondering more about the "how?" As in How did you glasses not shatter during that last "note"?
OBSERVATION #3 - I guess we know what made the Idol set break down.
WRS and Charo "Slow Ride" by Foghat - Sure, this was moderately entertaining. And it was nice to watch Charo having some fun. But the harmonies were laaaaaame compared to the other duet. Besides I was too busy making fun of WSR's Beetlejuice pants (thanks Eric) to really enjoy the song.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people.
WILL GO: All the polls I'm reading say it's DWD's time, so I'm going with that. Mostly because I don't want to believe that MMM's time is through.
TONIGHT: Daughtry performing their new single. And a pre-taped performance by Paula of her new song "I’m Just Here for the Music"! This has to be the best news of the day. I forsee disaster. Beautiful disaster, if you will.
OTHER IDOL NEWS: Elliott Yamin's new album dropped yesterday. (Why do I always think of Macy Gray when I think about cd releases? Anyone else remember that?) The big question is - why haven't they brought him back to perform this year? He's way better than Pickler and Hicks. Put together. And where's Jordin been?
Kelly reportedly has a track on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now - very My December-y. It's ok. Not magical by any means, but I'll take any Kelly I can get.
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Thursday, April 30, 2009
Idol Top 5 Results: In Which I Feel Vindicated
Exhausted from a marathon rehearsal, I was going to speed through the episode and go to bed. But then the beauty of the bottom three gave me so much joy that I got a second burst of energy around 1am. Thank you, America. You've made me very happy.
GROUP SONG: If Dueling Fedoras (and rosary?) had sung like this on Tuesday, he might have stuck around.
OBSERVATION #1: Did anyone else see the strange spotlight illuminating the corner of the band shell when Ryan was talking about winning a commemorative Idol Ford? I was hoping they would also raffle off a commemorative Idol upright bass, but then the lighting guy clearly got yelled at over his headset. Oh Keiren.
JUDGMENT: Wicked looked surprisingly subdued tonight, especially compared to everyone else (except MMM - does that dude own anything that isn't plaid?). Foreshadowing? Perhaps.
OBSERVATION#2: Ha! That was the best two group fakeout ever. Wicked clearly assumed that he was in first place, his "based on last night" caveat was even more beautiful - once Seacrest made the move. I frankly enjoyed watching the judges all shake their heads in disbelief. America didn't get it wrong kids...they've finally stopped listening to your nonsense.
CAMEOS: Natalie Cole: I'm not sure what that dress was. And I'm not sure if the end of the song was supposed to be on one pitch, or the several that you chose to treat us to. But you're a classy lady and infinitely better than what we saw last week. Plus, your obvious excitement to be on the Idol stage made me love you.
OBSERVATION #3: Bottom Two! Yes, I know that both Ruben and Fantasia spent some time in the bottom two (none of the other winners did, though), but this was still an indication that we might not have a Wicked victory. And that's the best news I've heard all day.
Hicks: Props for not punching Seacrest in the face when he decided that "you've lost some weight" was an appropriate greeting. Jerk. As for the song...it was typical Hicks-ian tomfoolery. (I miss you McPheever!) But it was still waaaaay better than -
Foxx: I had to fast forward through the second half of this craziness - but I held out as long as I could. Seriously? Autotune for THE ENTIRE SONG?! If I wanted to hear that, I would bust out some T-Pain. All your gyrating did not convince me that you might have love for a stripper.
RESULTS: Good job, America. I'll miss Fedoras, but the humble pie you served up tonight made it worth it. DWD in the Top Two? Maybe not so much. But I cheered anyway.
NEXT WEEK: Rock! with Slash (awesome), Daughtry (ok) and No Doubt (lame - unless Gwen decides to unleash some judgment a la Sanjaya). Allison is totally going to be in her wheelhouse for this one. And isn't about time to start singing two songs per contestant?
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GROUP SONG: If Dueling Fedoras (and rosary?) had sung like this on Tuesday, he might have stuck around.
OBSERVATION #1: Did anyone else see the strange spotlight illuminating the corner of the band shell when Ryan was talking about winning a commemorative Idol Ford? I was hoping they would also raffle off a commemorative Idol upright bass, but then the lighting guy clearly got yelled at over his headset. Oh Keiren.
JUDGMENT: Wicked looked surprisingly subdued tonight, especially compared to everyone else (except MMM - does that dude own anything that isn't plaid?). Foreshadowing? Perhaps.
OBSERVATION#2: Ha! That was the best two group fakeout ever. Wicked clearly assumed that he was in first place, his "based on last night" caveat was even more beautiful - once Seacrest made the move. I frankly enjoyed watching the judges all shake their heads in disbelief. America didn't get it wrong kids...they've finally stopped listening to your nonsense.
CAMEOS: Natalie Cole: I'm not sure what that dress was. And I'm not sure if the end of the song was supposed to be on one pitch, or the several that you chose to treat us to. But you're a classy lady and infinitely better than what we saw last week. Plus, your obvious excitement to be on the Idol stage made me love you.
OBSERVATION #3: Bottom Two! Yes, I know that both Ruben and Fantasia spent some time in the bottom two (none of the other winners did, though), but this was still an indication that we might not have a Wicked victory. And that's the best news I've heard all day.
Hicks: Props for not punching Seacrest in the face when he decided that "you've lost some weight" was an appropriate greeting. Jerk. As for the song...it was typical Hicks-ian tomfoolery. (I miss you McPheever!) But it was still waaaaay better than -
Foxx: I had to fast forward through the second half of this craziness - but I held out as long as I could. Seriously? Autotune for THE ENTIRE SONG?! If I wanted to hear that, I would bust out some T-Pain. All your gyrating did not convince me that you might have love for a stripper.
RESULTS: Good job, America. I'll miss Fedoras, but the humble pie you served up tonight made it worth it. DWD in the Top Two? Maybe not so much. But I cheered anyway.
NEXT WEEK: Rock! with Slash (awesome), Daughtry (ok) and No Doubt (lame - unless Gwen decides to unleash some judgment a la Sanjaya). Allison is totally going to be in her wheelhouse for this one. And isn't about time to start singing two songs per contestant?
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Idol Top 5: How Do You Keep the Music Playing?
Full disclosure - after an afternoon of drinking in the name of networking, I listened to a number of these performances with my eyes closed. But this will give me a better indication of the cds that I will eventually purchase, so I think it was a good experiment. Plus, it has kept me from being too hungover this morning. So there you go.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "The Way You Look Tonight" - Love it. Love the look, love the song, love the performance. But I don't love the leadoff position. It shows the producers don't really think he has a chance. But I hope he proves them wrong and dark horses it up like Kara predicted.
OBSERVATION #1 - Couldn't they have gotten Michael Buble or Harry Connick or something as the mentor? Sure, Jamie Foxx played a convincing Ray, but his music is definitely in the R&B camp. Plus, he's kind of a douche (but he likes MMM, so I can't totally hate him).
Charo - "Someone to Watch Over Me" - At the risk of sounding like Randy, girl, you can sing. And this is the first time I really saw it. It wasn't quite the Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There" revelation she needed to make it to the finals, but it was still download worthy. And if Barefoot Potbelly can get a record deal, then I think Charo will have no problems. Points for the cuteness of not having a boyfriend, and wondering if you should say that on tv or not. Presh.
OBSERVATION #2 - Special shout out to the stylist - Allison had an awesome look and awesome hair - now that Lo isn't around asking for a new weave every week, they obviously have more time to spend on everyone else. The suits all rocked too. Even Wicked's.
Dueling Fedoras - "My Funny Valentine" - This is one of my favorite songs of all time. But I don't get why Foxx suggested lowering the key. Or why Paula agreed that it was a good plan. Because those low notes were not pretty. And why why WHY didn't you play the piano? This was your week to shine dude, and you blew it.
OBSERVATION #3: Seriously, Paula?
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Come Rain Come Shine" - Hold on. I'm busy watching my video of McPheever singing this song a few years ago. What? I like it better. Even though this was fine...it's all turned a little Taylor Hicks-ian for my liking. And you know how I feel about the person who took my McPheever down.
OBSERVATION #4: They're really not letting this go, are they? And did everyone read their TV Guide? Simon actually calls for a DWD victory over Wicked, 55% to 45%.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Feeling Good" - Again, Wicked decides to bust out a cover of a cover (thanks, Muse) - but at least this one was not as poor as the wretched Indi-Cash Ring of Fire (and for sure better than last year's semi-finals one-two assualt on Nina Simone and Michael Buble). Maybe I nodded off, but I don't recall any screaming. Still too many unnecessarily high notes, but no screeching. It's a nice change - I'm still not buying your cd though. Or seeing any of your shows.
SHOULD GO: Dueling Fedoras
WILL GO: Fedoras or Charo. Both make me sad. But it's getting down to the wire.
TONIGHT: Foxx and Hicks. Man, I bet that dude has been waiting for this day to come for years.
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MatthewsMayerMraz - "The Way You Look Tonight" - Love it. Love the look, love the song, love the performance. But I don't love the leadoff position. It shows the producers don't really think he has a chance. But I hope he proves them wrong and dark horses it up like Kara predicted.
OBSERVATION #1 - Couldn't they have gotten Michael Buble or Harry Connick or something as the mentor? Sure, Jamie Foxx played a convincing Ray, but his music is definitely in the R&B camp. Plus, he's kind of a douche (but he likes MMM, so I can't totally hate him).
Charo - "Someone to Watch Over Me" - At the risk of sounding like Randy, girl, you can sing. And this is the first time I really saw it. It wasn't quite the Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There" revelation she needed to make it to the finals, but it was still download worthy. And if Barefoot Potbelly can get a record deal, then I think Charo will have no problems. Points for the cuteness of not having a boyfriend, and wondering if you should say that on tv or not. Presh.
OBSERVATION #2 - Special shout out to the stylist - Allison had an awesome look and awesome hair - now that Lo isn't around asking for a new weave every week, they obviously have more time to spend on everyone else. The suits all rocked too. Even Wicked's.
Dueling Fedoras - "My Funny Valentine" - This is one of my favorite songs of all time. But I don't get why Foxx suggested lowering the key. Or why Paula agreed that it was a good plan. Because those low notes were not pretty. And why why WHY didn't you play the piano? This was your week to shine dude, and you blew it.
OBSERVATION #3: Seriously, Paula?
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Come Rain Come Shine" - Hold on. I'm busy watching my video of McPheever singing this song a few years ago. What? I like it better. Even though this was fine...it's all turned a little Taylor Hicks-ian for my liking. And you know how I feel about the person who took my McPheever down.
OBSERVATION #4: They're really not letting this go, are they? And did everyone read their TV Guide? Simon actually calls for a DWD victory over Wicked, 55% to 45%.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Feeling Good" - Again, Wicked decides to bust out a cover of a cover (thanks, Muse) - but at least this one was not as poor as the wretched Indi-Cash Ring of Fire (and for sure better than last year's semi-finals one-two assualt on Nina Simone and Michael Buble). Maybe I nodded off, but I don't recall any screaming. Still too many unnecessarily high notes, but no screeching. It's a nice change - I'm still not buying your cd though. Or seeing any of your shows.
SHOULD GO: Dueling Fedoras
WILL GO: Fedoras or Charo. Both make me sad. But it's getting down to the wire.
TONIGHT: Foxx and Hicks. Man, I bet that dude has been waiting for this day to come for years.
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
Idol Top 7 Part II Results: In Which I Wonder If This Show Shouldn't Be Called American Stubble
The good thing about a results episode is that I can fast forward through half of it and then go to bed. I just wish that this week's cameos hadn't given me nightmares. Then again, it could also be the half dozen buffalo wings I ate at midnight, but I'm more willing to blame it on disco.
GROUP SONG: Paula - 1, Regular step-touch choreographer - 0. Yeah yeah, they were lipsyncing (and who do we have to thank for the faux headset mics? Can we still blame Britney Spears?) but for non-dancers, this was pretty kick ass. If they'd been doing work like this all along, maybe they wouldn't be so out of breath when the song is over. And five minutes later.
JUDGMENT: Group song stylist: 0. Oh come on. Have we had costumes for anything else? Go back to your community theatre production of Hair.
Group song graphic artist: -579. Was it really necessary to throw words like "DANCE!" on the big screen? Although that concept isn't as bad as the flames that are the backdrop for any fire-themed song (e.g. Ring of Fire, Light My Fire) it was not good. And get ready, I'm about to yell. COMIC SANS DOES NOT DESERVE A PLACE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
CAMEOS: Oh disco people from yesteryear. Band of Gold is one of my favorite songs, but never have my hands jumped to the fast forward button faster. (I paused for a moment to watch Big Bird flap around on the stage, but that was mostly because I was hoping that Snuffleupagus would show up.) And what's with KC and the Step Touch Jersey Girls Band? Clearly the producers thought this was the 25th reunion for the Tea Neck High School Highwaymen - it would be a scream to get some of those girls up here to dance, wouldn't it? Rock!
Archtastic: Wow. That was not good, dawg. It was pitchy, all over the place. I mean, you got up there, you did your thing, you worked it out, but it wasn't good for me.
RESULTS: Good job, America.
NEXT WEEK: Rat Pack. Good for Dueling Timberlakes if he does what he's supposed to and stays behind the piano. Good for DWD too. Everyone else (well, maybe not Wicked - he can do no wrong) may hear a lot of "You know, that song didn't really need to be changed up - the original is so iconic." Then again, people actually voted for Taylor Hicks (next week's cameo), so perhaps America's view of an "icon" is slightly askew.
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GROUP SONG: Paula - 1, Regular step-touch choreographer - 0. Yeah yeah, they were lipsyncing (and who do we have to thank for the faux headset mics? Can we still blame Britney Spears?) but for non-dancers, this was pretty kick ass. If they'd been doing work like this all along, maybe they wouldn't be so out of breath when the song is over. And five minutes later.
JUDGMENT: Group song stylist: 0. Oh come on. Have we had costumes for anything else? Go back to your community theatre production of Hair.
Group song graphic artist: -579. Was it really necessary to throw words like "DANCE!" on the big screen? Although that concept isn't as bad as the flames that are the backdrop for any fire-themed song (e.g. Ring of Fire, Light My Fire) it was not good. And get ready, I'm about to yell. COMIC SANS DOES NOT DESERVE A PLACE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
CAMEOS: Oh disco people from yesteryear. Band of Gold is one of my favorite songs, but never have my hands jumped to the fast forward button faster. (I paused for a moment to watch Big Bird flap around on the stage, but that was mostly because I was hoping that Snuffleupagus would show up.) And what's with KC and the Step Touch Jersey Girls Band? Clearly the producers thought this was the 25th reunion for the Tea Neck High School Highwaymen - it would be a scream to get some of those girls up here to dance, wouldn't it? Rock!
Archtastic: Wow. That was not good, dawg. It was pitchy, all over the place. I mean, you got up there, you did your thing, you worked it out, but it wasn't good for me.
RESULTS: Good job, America.
NEXT WEEK: Rat Pack. Good for Dueling Timberlakes if he does what he's supposed to and stays behind the piano. Good for DWD too. Everyone else (well, maybe not Wicked - he can do no wrong) may hear a lot of "You know, that song didn't really need to be changed up - the original is so iconic." Then again, people actually voted for Taylor Hicks (next week's cameo), so perhaps America's view of an "icon" is slightly askew.
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Idol Top 7 Part II: A Pool of Abdul
Disco night is never really good news, but it did give me Carrie Underwood's MacArthur Park, so I can't be totally down on it. This season was no different - one performance that I loved, and a bunch of others that make me glad I multi-tasked and started making my lunch for today in the next room.
Lo Expectations - "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan - Oh come on, woman. Are you still seriously arguing? Again? Do you think that a new weave and "having fun" is all it takes to get votes? At this point in the competition, you actually have to be good. But there is a bright side to tonight's performance: I finally realized that you are ideally suited to be an American Idol backup singer.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "She Works Hard For the Money" by Donna Summer - Love it. If this kid doesn't get signed (because I'm realistic and doubt that he will win) I'm going to be mad. Although I could have done without the remnant from Simon Cowell shirt collection, I get that it's part of his beachcomber vibe. And now that it's not 40 degrees outside, I'm on board.
OBSERVATION #1: I get what Paula was trying to say about the women's department, but did she have to sound so crazy? And does Simon always have to say "I have no idea what she just said"? It's starting to get old.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire - I just caught Anwar's ill-fated Season 4 performance of this very song a few weeks ago on the TV Guide channel. And while DWD's version did not make me cringe in the same manner as Anwar's step-touch dancing and bell bottom jeans, it still wasn't great. DWD is destined to be a Christian rock Tom Jones. Lots of swagger, lots of yelling, and lots of looking up toward the sky. Our God is an awesome god and whatnot. He reigns from heaven above, apparently while wearing a patterned blazer.
OBSERVATION #2: Always on pitch? Really, Paula? Are we talking about the same dude?
Charo - "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer - You just know the only thing in Charo's head at the beginning of the song was "I'm sitting on the stairs while they're moving! This is so cool!" And ignoring her strange akimbo position, I was a little jealous - riding on moving sets is a blast. As for the singing, I was on Simon's side - this was a good performance. The thing about Charo is that she never changes the way she sounds (a la Overmeyer), but each week's performance is different. One criticism - I worry that time spent with a stylist would do more harm than good. (I wear the same thing every day, so maybe I'm not one to ask. I am, however, one to judge.) Those vinyl leggings should not be worn anywhere that you can't score some X.
WickedRaverSiriano - "If I Can’t Have You" by Yvonne Elliman - I'm done. There is no need to screech a high note in the middle of a good performance that might have given me a change of heart, just to prove that you can do it. We know you have range. Now stop screaming. And stop this back and forth manic/meaningful idol playlist and give me something different. A two-note singer is no better than a one-note singer.
OBSERVATION #3: Paula is not on her game tonight. She's bordering on embarassing.
Dueling Timberlakes - "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees - Dude. I'm glad you got saved, if for the simple fact that the save can no longer be used if Lo is eliminated. But this was not the way to bring it. Remember Human Nature? Remember So Small? Yeah, me neither. The save (combined with the red leather jacket and the jaunty fedora) may give you the momentum you need to stay for one more week, but that's all you get. And here's a tip - try some cardio before attempting a dance routine like that.
OBSERVATION #4: Never mind, Paula. Kara takes the cake with her "Saturday Night Live" comment.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer - Yawn. Your attempt at facial hair has been completely negated by your pepto shirt and banker collar shirt. Way to make disco boring.
SHOULD GO (and hopefully) WILL GO: Slumdog and Lo, but I wouldn't disagree with a shocking DWD outster.
TONIGHT: Archtastic, KC and some other disco folk, and a group number choreographed by Paula Abdul. Um. Woo.
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Lo Expectations - "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan - Oh come on, woman. Are you still seriously arguing? Again? Do you think that a new weave and "having fun" is all it takes to get votes? At this point in the competition, you actually have to be good. But there is a bright side to tonight's performance: I finally realized that you are ideally suited to be an American Idol backup singer.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "She Works Hard For the Money" by Donna Summer - Love it. If this kid doesn't get signed (because I'm realistic and doubt that he will win) I'm going to be mad. Although I could have done without the remnant from Simon Cowell shirt collection, I get that it's part of his beachcomber vibe. And now that it's not 40 degrees outside, I'm on board.
OBSERVATION #1: I get what Paula was trying to say about the women's department, but did she have to sound so crazy? And does Simon always have to say "I have no idea what she just said"? It's starting to get old.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire - I just caught Anwar's ill-fated Season 4 performance of this very song a few weeks ago on the TV Guide channel. And while DWD's version did not make me cringe in the same manner as Anwar's step-touch dancing and bell bottom jeans, it still wasn't great. DWD is destined to be a Christian rock Tom Jones. Lots of swagger, lots of yelling, and lots of looking up toward the sky. Our God is an awesome god and whatnot. He reigns from heaven above, apparently while wearing a patterned blazer.
OBSERVATION #2: Always on pitch? Really, Paula? Are we talking about the same dude?
Charo - "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer - You just know the only thing in Charo's head at the beginning of the song was "I'm sitting on the stairs while they're moving! This is so cool!" And ignoring her strange akimbo position, I was a little jealous - riding on moving sets is a blast. As for the singing, I was on Simon's side - this was a good performance. The thing about Charo is that she never changes the way she sounds (a la Overmeyer), but each week's performance is different. One criticism - I worry that time spent with a stylist would do more harm than good. (I wear the same thing every day, so maybe I'm not one to ask. I am, however, one to judge.) Those vinyl leggings should not be worn anywhere that you can't score some X.
WickedRaverSiriano - "If I Can’t Have You" by Yvonne Elliman - I'm done. There is no need to screech a high note in the middle of a good performance that might have given me a change of heart, just to prove that you can do it. We know you have range. Now stop screaming. And stop this back and forth manic/meaningful idol playlist and give me something different. A two-note singer is no better than a one-note singer.
OBSERVATION #3: Paula is not on her game tonight. She's bordering on embarassing.
Dueling Timberlakes - "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees - Dude. I'm glad you got saved, if for the simple fact that the save can no longer be used if Lo is eliminated. But this was not the way to bring it. Remember Human Nature? Remember So Small? Yeah, me neither. The save (combined with the red leather jacket and the jaunty fedora) may give you the momentum you need to stay for one more week, but that's all you get. And here's a tip - try some cardio before attempting a dance routine like that.
OBSERVATION #4: Never mind, Paula. Kara takes the cake with her "Saturday Night Live" comment.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer - Yawn. Your attempt at facial hair has been completely negated by your pepto shirt and banker collar shirt. Way to make disco boring.
SHOULD GO (and hopefully) WILL GO: Slumdog and Lo, but I wouldn't disagree with a shocking DWD outster.
TONIGHT: Archtastic, KC and some other disco folk, and a group number choreographed by Paula Abdul. Um. Woo.
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