Seriously, Ryan? What was that? It seems that each episode starts with more and more reasons to make me say "Whaaaaa?" Maybe the producers are trying to get me drunk before the madness even starts. Because if The Dawg's incessant use of the words "hot" and "yo" doesn't make you pick up the glass, Kara's inexplicably gigantic ponytail will.
Ginger Vitis/Tough Cookie (Crystal Bowersox) - "Long As I Can See The Light" by CCR: Is this hammond week? Not that I'm complaining. But come on, Rickey. Let's mix it up a bit, OK? As phase one of the makeover begins, Ginger starts with some teeth whitening (hence the attempt to transition away from week 1's label) and some excellently applied makeup, resulting in a decidedly Jewel Kilcher look. And as we all know, I'm a huge fan of the Jewel. (Shut up.) Awesome performance as always, Ginger. Next week, how about some "Love and Gravy?"
SIDEBAR #1: "Misunderestimated?" Simon?
Way Too Smiley Cyrus (Haeley Vaughn) - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus: Uh...it's no surprise that you make flowered headbands. And it's no surprise that you decided to rock the Miley, because you're, what? 16? (Don't think I didn't notice the other teenager in the group singing along from up on high.) When this first started off, I was enjoying the control - although I paused to say "Come on, can't you hit that high note?" Oh. I see. Never mind. Stick to making headbands.
Shampoo Girl (Lacey Brown) - "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer: Let's get the technical stuff out of the way, so I can go refill my screwdriver (btw, I'm watching this in the AM). Not a great starting note, and you really need some breath support. Sixpence music doesn't feature particularly complex phrasing, so you should be able to make it through each line without losing steam. Still, karaoke aside (ugh, I'm agreeing with The Dawg) this wasn't a bad performance. But don't forget - even TMB had some good weeks. Remember that as you're dialing, America.
SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, Kara. Now she's going to sing REM next week.
Blair Waldorf (Katie Stevens) - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Ray: I love me some alto. Just stay down there and develop your lower notes. Yeah yeah, Dawg, she can sing the higher notes too, but let's listen to something different.
SIDEBAR #3: Seacrest, stop trying to pimp Justin Bieber. I'm sure he hearts you.
Crazy Cat Lady (Didi Benami) - "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers: Uh...was the beginning of the verse all weird to anyone else? This was a strange attempt to try and mimic Brooke/Barefoot Potbelly from a couple of years ago. You know who gives you the best advice? Ellen. Because she said exactly what I'd said as this performance began: "I wish this had been Lovely Day." Your vocal quality is awesome - get back behind your guitar and find some better songs.
Leo-not-a Lewis (Michelle Delamor) - "Arms Wide Open" by Creed: Don't judge me. I totally have this cd. I don't care when you say - you can't help but enjoy some Scott Stapp. But let's talk, Leonota. This song is about a man finding out he's about to be a father. I bet you don't understand what that's like. And you left the mic stand without making the sign of the cross even once. Epic fail.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) - "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke: Come on Season 9. Did none of you watch last year's final performance episode with Kris and Adam? In but one week, we've covered both of their "meaningful" songs. And not that these songs can't be touched anymore...just give us some more space, ok? Oh. The song is over. It was fine. Good, even. Points for rocking the twelve string. And for all the other instruments.
Why are the judges going so crazy for this? Was it more awesome than I remember? Maybe I'll rewind.
Nope. Thanks for validating my opinion, Simon.
90210 Naomi (Katelyn Epperly) - "The Scientist" by Coldplay: Yeeeeeeessss. Sure, a bit too slow, and there were no T's at the end of your phrases, but this is by far my favorite performance of the night. The slowness worked to your advantage - it showed America that you really can sing. Natasha Bedingfield does a nice cover of this, so I was nervous...and you more than rocked it, Naomi. Well done. (P.S. I hope you've been to the Carlos O'Kelly's in WDSM. Then we can be friends.)
SIDEBAR #4 - "I loved that you played the guitar." Oh Ellen. Thanks for bringing us back a little bit of Paula.
SIDEBAR #5 - Simon and I are on the same page today. But of course he knows about Natasha's version.
Paige Miles - "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson: This is one of my favorite Kelly songs. And the beginning was pretty darn good. The end? Not so much. But. I can kind of see why Simon says you have a great voice. It's just not showing up much right now. You might be in trouble this week. The Idol voters do not take kindly to people who attempt to channel Kelly. As such, I am not going to spend time figuring out a witty name for you. Instead, I will go freshen up this bloody mary.
Mohawk Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) - "Think" by Aretha Franklin: *jaws clenched* No. Don't tamper with my McPheever. I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed.
.....
Nice note at the end, but I'm not buying it. And I just listened to McPheever's live performance. She had peaks and valleys and sass and soul. Mohawk? No.
SHOULD GO: Smiley/Shampoo
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Paige/Blair/Leonota
WILL GO: Shampoo/Paige
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Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
American Idol Top 20 Guys: The Day Ginger Vitis Got Sick
I've always wondered why they continue to make the girls go first each week. This is a nice change, one that I'm sure Ginger somehow planned. (I wrote that before Seacrest's announcement. Not that I feel bad for saying that she planned it - but feel better soon, Ginger!)
That said - this could be a mess. Much like Big Poppa lifting the small child in his clip montage. Wow. We're off to a good start.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) - "This Is a Man's World" by James Brown: Any song that prominently features a hammond is going to be a good time. No, this performance didn't show a ton of vocal range - but it was the absolute best way to start out this show. (I actually just had to delete the phrase "Rock on, Big Poppa!" I'm sorry I even thought it.) Ha! Pedicure. Winning.
Dead Eyes Undershirt (John Park) - "Gravity" by John Mayer: Remember what I said about the hammond? I lied. This was not a good time. The thing about John Mayer - he's really floppy on stage, but he makes it seem so effortless. Not only was this just as dead as last week, but it (wow, I'm quoting the Dawg) was nowhere near as good as the original. And that's what I want here. Change it up, dude. Make it sound like something new. Repeating the word "gravity" a few times in a bar that was meant to be full of rests is not enough.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: The fact that I knew what song you were going to played simply by Ryan naming the list of previous contestants who have sung it, means one of two things: A) This song needs to be retired or B) I watch too much Idol. And ok, the axe is a nice touch, but you're missing the vocal awesomeness of an Elliot or a Bo. Hold on to that guitar - you're going to need it.
SIDEBAR #1: Did Kara just call herself a cougar? When she has her hair all blown out like that? Inappropriate.
Mullet Bieber/Lucky To Be Here (Alex Lambert) - "Everybody Knows" by John Legend: Let's just breeze past the mention of vomit/your weird secret language/that plaid jacket. With a slight pause at the mullet (come on stylists - work your magic), I'll say that this was pretty darn good, especially after last week. You have a great vocal quality. Bring it - but don't give us that questionable final note, ok? Just keep it up - stick around for another week or two.
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Ellen keeps bringing up both the banana and the mullet. I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I need more chardonnay.
So You Think You Can Dance (Todrick Hall) - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner: You don't want to be compared to Tina? Don't sing it in her octave. God, you might as well be wearing fringe. And what's with singing female songs two weeks in a row and giving it some sort of weird R&B "arrangement"? I need you to step it up, because you have to stick around longer than DB Bus Driver. (However, I do not need this enough to vote for you.) Stoppit.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) - "What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye: Onesy and White Sox hat. God. I'm done...Nope. Wait - there's more. Please learn to freaking talk: you are making Joliet look worse than it already does. Ohhhhhh. Why do you keep giving me ammunition? Skinny jeans/bow tie/fauxhawk/Ann Taylor cardigan. I just can't even...ok fine. You're a better singer than SYTYCD. But that doesn't mean you're good. Stop with the slapdashery and the runs and nonsense.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) - "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison: The thing about James Morrison is that he's not usually flat. Like you were for this entire performance. I'm willing to forgive the scarf. But not the flatness. We're expecting better out of you. Much much better than this.
SIDEBAR #3 - Man everyone is really lovin' on the James Morrison. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy - but two songs in two weeks? Weird. Unless they're trying to get him as a guest. (If that's true, producers - please bring in Nelly Furtado too - that duet is killer.)
SIDEBAR #4 - I would kill for some chips and salsa right now.
Chicken Little 2.8 (Aaron Kelly) - "My Girl" by The Temptations: Was that? Wait. Was that? Almost...sexy? It could be the chardonnay talking. Normally I'm not a fan of chardonnay. It's usually a little too oaky for my taste. I expect my white wine to have a bit of sweetness. Much like I expected this performance to be sweeter and more...childlike. Either that or I could have enjoyed a cute "Part Time Lover" sort of vibe - something where we spend a majority of our time saying "Oh can you believe he sang that?" Don't throw things off by singing well and performing well and...oh fine. Whatever.
Zac FauxFron (Tim Urban) - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: Wise - staying away from all the falsetto notes in this song. Also wise? The tight t-shirt. Because after all the shirtless and the popwatch and the publicity - you're through to the next round. Yes - this wasn't much better than that one guy I heard at the Potbelly that one time. But it was still way better than last week.
The Recipient of Most of My Votes (Lee Dewyze) - "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder: Good song. Relevent. Modern. And I'm forgiving all of your floppy knit caps, because you're my number one guy right now. Please don't let me down. Don't let Chicago down. DON'T LET US DOWN. No pressure.
SIDEBAR #5: Thank god Bo Bice pioneered the "walking around with the mic stand" movement. Otherwise, what would all the rockers do on this stage?
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver & SYTYCD
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Dead Eyes Undershirt & Straight Up Gangsta
WILL GO: Dead Eyes & SYTYCD
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That said - this could be a mess. Much like Big Poppa lifting the small child in his clip montage. Wow. We're off to a good start.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) - "This Is a Man's World" by James Brown: Any song that prominently features a hammond is going to be a good time. No, this performance didn't show a ton of vocal range - but it was the absolute best way to start out this show. (I actually just had to delete the phrase "Rock on, Big Poppa!" I'm sorry I even thought it.) Ha! Pedicure. Winning.
Dead Eyes Undershirt (John Park) - "Gravity" by John Mayer: Remember what I said about the hammond? I lied. This was not a good time. The thing about John Mayer - he's really floppy on stage, but he makes it seem so effortless. Not only was this just as dead as last week, but it (wow, I'm quoting the Dawg) was nowhere near as good as the original. And that's what I want here. Change it up, dude. Make it sound like something new. Repeating the word "gravity" a few times in a bar that was meant to be full of rests is not enough.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: The fact that I knew what song you were going to played simply by Ryan naming the list of previous contestants who have sung it, means one of two things: A) This song needs to be retired or B) I watch too much Idol. And ok, the axe is a nice touch, but you're missing the vocal awesomeness of an Elliot or a Bo. Hold on to that guitar - you're going to need it.
SIDEBAR #1: Did Kara just call herself a cougar? When she has her hair all blown out like that? Inappropriate.
Mullet Bieber/Lucky To Be Here (Alex Lambert) - "Everybody Knows" by John Legend: Let's just breeze past the mention of vomit/your weird secret language/that plaid jacket. With a slight pause at the mullet (come on stylists - work your magic), I'll say that this was pretty darn good, especially after last week. You have a great vocal quality. Bring it - but don't give us that questionable final note, ok? Just keep it up - stick around for another week or two.
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Ellen keeps bringing up both the banana and the mullet. I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I need more chardonnay.
So You Think You Can Dance (Todrick Hall) - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner: You don't want to be compared to Tina? Don't sing it in her octave. God, you might as well be wearing fringe. And what's with singing female songs two weeks in a row and giving it some sort of weird R&B "arrangement"? I need you to step it up, because you have to stick around longer than DB Bus Driver. (However, I do not need this enough to vote for you.) Stoppit.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) - "What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye: Onesy and White Sox hat. God. I'm done...Nope. Wait - there's more. Please learn to freaking talk: you are making Joliet look worse than it already does. Ohhhhhh. Why do you keep giving me ammunition? Skinny jeans/bow tie/fauxhawk/Ann Taylor cardigan. I just can't even...ok fine. You're a better singer than SYTYCD. But that doesn't mean you're good. Stop with the slapdashery and the runs and nonsense.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) - "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison: The thing about James Morrison is that he's not usually flat. Like you were for this entire performance. I'm willing to forgive the scarf. But not the flatness. We're expecting better out of you. Much much better than this.
SIDEBAR #3 - Man everyone is really lovin' on the James Morrison. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy - but two songs in two weeks? Weird. Unless they're trying to get him as a guest. (If that's true, producers - please bring in Nelly Furtado too - that duet is killer.)
SIDEBAR #4 - I would kill for some chips and salsa right now.
Chicken Little 2.8 (Aaron Kelly) - "My Girl" by The Temptations: Was that? Wait. Was that? Almost...sexy? It could be the chardonnay talking. Normally I'm not a fan of chardonnay. It's usually a little too oaky for my taste. I expect my white wine to have a bit of sweetness. Much like I expected this performance to be sweeter and more...childlike. Either that or I could have enjoyed a cute "Part Time Lover" sort of vibe - something where we spend a majority of our time saying "Oh can you believe he sang that?" Don't throw things off by singing well and performing well and...oh fine. Whatever.
Zac FauxFron (Tim Urban) - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: Wise - staying away from all the falsetto notes in this song. Also wise? The tight t-shirt. Because after all the shirtless and the popwatch and the publicity - you're through to the next round. Yes - this wasn't much better than that one guy I heard at the Potbelly that one time. But it was still way better than last week.
The Recipient of Most of My Votes (Lee Dewyze) - "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder: Good song. Relevent. Modern. And I'm forgiving all of your floppy knit caps, because you're my number one guy right now. Please don't let me down. Don't let Chicago down. DON'T LET US DOWN. No pressure.
SIDEBAR #5: Thank god Bo Bice pioneered the "walking around with the mic stand" movement. Otherwise, what would all the rockers do on this stage?
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver & SYTYCD
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Dead Eyes Undershirt & Straight Up Gangsta
WILL GO: Dead Eyes & SYTYCD
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
American Idol Top 24: Results
Just like every season, the first two episodes have set the bar pretty low. True, soon we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, but it's still going to be a long two weeks. Let's get into it, so I can get to the bar.
GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.
JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.
CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.
Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.
Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.
RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.
Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
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GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.
JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.
CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.
Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.
Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.
RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.
Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
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American Idol Top 24 Guys: The Day Ryan Forgets To Say "Idol"
Randy: "The girls blew it out last night." Great. If that was blowing it out, we're in for some disaster tonight.
So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.
Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.
SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.
Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?
Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.
SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.
Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.
SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.
Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.
SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.
MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.
Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.
Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.
Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.
The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.
SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.
Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.
SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes
WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?
Man, I need some more scotch.
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Wednesday, February 24, 2010
American Idol Top 24 Girls: The Day Ryan Jinxes Everyone
"So here's the math. For the next three weeks, each group will take the stage separately. And based on your votes, we will lose the bottom two girls and the bottom two guys until we get down to your top 12. Sounds easy, but you're gonna have to make some tough calls because this year's group really is incredible and has great potential." Good job, Ryan. I'm now expecting the worst live show in history.
SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
Continue Reading
SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.
Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.
Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.
Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.
Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.
SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"
Awesome.
Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.
SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.
Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.
SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.
Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)
Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.
Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.
Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)
Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.
But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.
(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.
SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.
So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?
BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.
Continue Reading
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once
Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.
POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
Continue Reading
POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:
Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela
Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.
SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.
MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.
I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.
Oh wait.
Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.
Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.
Let's move on.
SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?
CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.
That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.
Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.
Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.
SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.
Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.
SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.
Did you really just use the word "cooter"?
SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.
SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.
Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.
Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.
Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.
Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.
Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.
HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.
Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.
Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.
Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.
*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.
SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.
OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -
Wait - did he just say "romper?"
- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?
Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.
SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.
Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?
SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?
Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.
PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.
FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.
Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.
Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.
SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.
SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?
Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.
"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.
Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.
Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.
SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.
Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.
JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.
PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.
Or maybe not. We'll see.
Continue Reading
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Project Runway: Well, It's Better Than Last Season
It might be the bottle of cabernet that I consumed before sitting down to watch, but I found myself constantly saying either "Whaaaaat?" or "Noooooooo" throughout the premiere of Project Runway 7. I just don't, and probably never will get fashion.
But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.
But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:
NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.
Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.
SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."
Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.
Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.
Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.
SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.
Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?
Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.
SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.
Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.
Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.
Anna Marie: Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.
Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?
Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?
Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.
Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.
Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.
Amy: Eh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.
Oh Heidi.
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But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.
But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:
NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.
Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.
SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?
SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."
Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.
Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.
Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.
SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.
Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?
Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.
SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.
Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.
Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.
Anna Marie: Eh.
SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.
Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?
Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?
Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.
Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.
SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.
Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.
Amy: Eh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.
Oh Heidi.
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Thursday, September 3, 2009
Top Chef 6: Bland Doesn't Even Begin To Describe
Wow. It is far too late to be awake. But this is what happens when one passes out on a futon at 9pm and then wakes up at midnight. You get a second wind, all ready to harshly judge those with talents you do not possess. On the other hand, you're far more likely to sit at your computer and say the word "possess" over and over, convinced that there should only be three s's. Lack of sleep will do that to you.
Or it could be the triple vodka limeade I just had. Hard to say.
I really hope we start separating the wheat from the chaff soon. Because I'm tired of the boring people taking up space. And as we've seen, if we don't eliminate them now, they might swoop in and win the whole thing. Yeah, Canned Crab, I'm talking to you.
FOB (Ron): Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying. I caught a "Bob Marley" and a "love and peace" somewhere in there, but most of the time I can only focus on your crazy red-orange crocs. Try some diction.
Jamie Lee Walsh (Robin): You're going to have to do something to make me have an opinion about you. Something. Anything. Please. UPDATE: I decided that you vaguely remind me of Carol Potter, the mom from the original 90210, with just a hint (a soupcon, if you will) of hermaphrodite thrown in. Do something interesting and maybe that will change.
Blanched (Preeti): I know. I'm struggling. But not everyone can be named "Lame." And the blanch water was just the beginning of the disaster that was Preeti this week.
OBSERVATION #1 - Everyone who thinks that doing three kinds of potatoes makes you better? A number is not impressive. Just cook food that is good and stop throwing ingredients in there.
Cain (Michael V): I'm going to get tired of the whole "I won one, he won one" thing real fast. Especially if they're going to show the one that didn't win looking all despondent after the fact. But I have to hand it to Cain - cooking bacon is always the way to go. Gail will eat it all day every day, and that's what we want to hear.
Jerz (Michael I): Ha. Way to put yourself into the bottom three. Douche.
Frenchy (Mattin): I love that everyone calls you this - including people who make it impossible to understand 90% of the other words they say.
OBSERVATION #2 - I totally voted to have Gail as my co-pilot, but that's probably because I know she'd have a flask on her. And that's probably why 54% of the voters picked Tom. Come on people, live it up a little.
Veggie (Laurine): Doesn't this always happen? Someone thinks that there has to be a vegetarian dish, and they end up in the bottom three. You know why? VEGETARIAN DISHES ARE LAME. And I don't even care if I offend vegetarians. You food blows. Eat some bacon.
Atlanta Santa (Kevin): Don't get me started on your "BBQ." You know where to find the best BBQ in the South? KC Pit BBQ in Shady Springs, GA. See? The authenticity is right there in the name.
OBSERVATION #3 - Wow, Padma. Nice leopard print. Way to bring it home for your country.
Pierce (Jesse): Well, at least you finally didn't land in the bottom. But I don't think you're long for this world. Maybe take out that thing in your lip. I think it's unlucky.
OBSERVATION #4 - The mini-sodes are lame this season. I can't believe I'm actually wishing for someone to make out on a couch.
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): You make me tired with all your winning. And your yelling at people to not talk about things other than food. And your painter's tape. At least you didn't win $15K this week.
Hector: Uh...sure.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you. (Yes, this is a repeat, but it's still relevant. Gail all the way!)
Fat Kid (Eli): As one who consumed 4 lbs of potato salad this weekend, I support your decision. Even though I have a feeling there was too much vinegar in there, I'll go with it. Because you didn't once call that pork stuff BBQ.
Abel (Bryan V): Don't look so sad when you don't win. Bacon trumps steak any time. Did you think about wrapping the steak in bacon? That's how you bring it home.
Angsty McLesbian (Ashley): What happened to you? Here's what should have happened right at the beginning of elimination: "I find it beyond comprehension that we have to cook for members of the military, when at least three of us (camera flash to Blanch and Ash) are not allowed to be out and proud anywhere in the institution." If you're going to make me dislike you, make it for being stupid and angry and not just stupid. "Everyone likes custard." No. No they do not.
Ash: Nice one with your chilled sweet potato custard. When I said that not everyone likes custard? I didn't mean me. I am all for it. Thank you for always making dessert, even when you don't intend to.
A double elimination would have ruled. And Padma was so riled up this week, I thought it might actually happen. But Gail probably talked her down. The voice of reason. Oh Gail.
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Or it could be the triple vodka limeade I just had. Hard to say.
I really hope we start separating the wheat from the chaff soon. Because I'm tired of the boring people taking up space. And as we've seen, if we don't eliminate them now, they might swoop in and win the whole thing. Yeah, Canned Crab, I'm talking to you.
FOB (Ron): Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying. I caught a "Bob Marley" and a "love and peace" somewhere in there, but most of the time I can only focus on your crazy red-orange crocs. Try some diction.
Jamie Lee Walsh (Robin): You're going to have to do something to make me have an opinion about you. Something. Anything. Please. UPDATE: I decided that you vaguely remind me of Carol Potter, the mom from the original 90210, with just a hint (a soupcon, if you will) of hermaphrodite thrown in. Do something interesting and maybe that will change.
Blanched (Preeti): I know. I'm struggling. But not everyone can be named "Lame." And the blanch water was just the beginning of the disaster that was Preeti this week.
OBSERVATION #1 - Everyone who thinks that doing three kinds of potatoes makes you better? A number is not impressive. Just cook food that is good and stop throwing ingredients in there.
Cain (Michael V): I'm going to get tired of the whole "I won one, he won one" thing real fast. Especially if they're going to show the one that didn't win looking all despondent after the fact. But I have to hand it to Cain - cooking bacon is always the way to go. Gail will eat it all day every day, and that's what we want to hear.
Jerz (Michael I): Ha. Way to put yourself into the bottom three. Douche.
Frenchy (Mattin): I love that everyone calls you this - including people who make it impossible to understand 90% of the other words they say.
OBSERVATION #2 - I totally voted to have Gail as my co-pilot, but that's probably because I know she'd have a flask on her. And that's probably why 54% of the voters picked Tom. Come on people, live it up a little.
Veggie (Laurine): Doesn't this always happen? Someone thinks that there has to be a vegetarian dish, and they end up in the bottom three. You know why? VEGETARIAN DISHES ARE LAME. And I don't even care if I offend vegetarians. You food blows. Eat some bacon.
Atlanta Santa (Kevin): Don't get me started on your "BBQ." You know where to find the best BBQ in the South? KC Pit BBQ in Shady Springs, GA. See? The authenticity is right there in the name.
OBSERVATION #3 - Wow, Padma. Nice leopard print. Way to bring it home for your country.
Pierce (Jesse): Well, at least you finally didn't land in the bottom. But I don't think you're long for this world. Maybe take out that thing in your lip. I think it's unlucky.
OBSERVATION #4 - The mini-sodes are lame this season. I can't believe I'm actually wishing for someone to make out on a couch.
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): You make me tired with all your winning. And your yelling at people to not talk about things other than food. And your painter's tape. At least you didn't win $15K this week.
Hector: Uh...sure.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you. (Yes, this is a repeat, but it's still relevant. Gail all the way!)
Fat Kid (Eli): As one who consumed 4 lbs of potato salad this weekend, I support your decision. Even though I have a feeling there was too much vinegar in there, I'll go with it. Because you didn't once call that pork stuff BBQ.
Abel (Bryan V): Don't look so sad when you don't win. Bacon trumps steak any time. Did you think about wrapping the steak in bacon? That's how you bring it home.
Angsty McLesbian (Ashley): What happened to you? Here's what should have happened right at the beginning of elimination: "I find it beyond comprehension that we have to cook for members of the military, when at least three of us (camera flash to Blanch and Ash) are not allowed to be out and proud anywhere in the institution." If you're going to make me dislike you, make it for being stupid and angry and not just stupid. "Everyone likes custard." No. No they do not.
Ash: Nice one with your chilled sweet potato custard. When I said that not everyone likes custard? I didn't mean me. I am all for it. Thank you for always making dessert, even when you don't intend to.
A double elimination would have ruled. And Padma was so riled up this week, I thought it might actually happen. But Gail probably talked her down. The voice of reason. Oh Gail.
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Friday, August 21, 2009
Project Runway: Tessellations, Ponyhawks and LiLo, Oh My
Maybe the freakishly long delay between seasons has made me complacent in my Target/Kohl's uniforms, or maybe it's the fact that there is a harsher glare in LA...but man, it seriously hurts my eyes to see that these people are supposed to be telling the public how to look. Are you kidding me? You clearly can't dress yourselves...why should I listen to you? We're going to need a lot of wine, kids.
I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:
Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:
"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)
There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.
SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?
Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.
Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.
This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.
Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?
Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.
Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.
Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.
SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?
We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.
Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.
Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.
MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.
SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.
Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.
Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.
Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.
SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."
Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.
And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.
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I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:
Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:
"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)
There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.
SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?
Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.
Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.
This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.
Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?
Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.
Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.
Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.
SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?
We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.
Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.
Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.
MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.
SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.
Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.
Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.
Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.
SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."
Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.
And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.
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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Top Chef 6: Too Many Tattoos, Not Enough Drama
Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart? No one is wearing madras. Everyone has tattoos. No one has a fauxhawk. It's almost like they don't care that I am writing and need reasons to give people nicknames.
Jerks.
The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?
And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.
Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.
FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.
Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.
Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.
OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.
Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.
Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.
Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.
OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?
Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.
Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.
OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.
Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.
Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.
OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.
Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.
Eve: Who?
Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.
Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.
Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?
Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.
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Jerks.
The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?
And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.
Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.
FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.
Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.
Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.
OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.
Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.
Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.
Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.
OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?
Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.
Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.
OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.
Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.
Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.
OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?
Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.
Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.
OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.
Eve: Who?
Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.
Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.
Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?
Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.
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