The good thing about a results episode is that I can fast forward through half of it and then go to bed. I just wish that this week's cameos hadn't given me nightmares. Then again, it could also be the half dozen buffalo wings I ate at midnight, but I'm more willing to blame it on disco.
GROUP SONG: Paula - 1, Regular step-touch choreographer - 0. Yeah yeah, they were lipsyncing (and who do we have to thank for the faux headset mics? Can we still blame Britney Spears?) but for non-dancers, this was pretty kick ass. If they'd been doing work like this all along, maybe they wouldn't be so out of breath when the song is over. And five minutes later.
JUDGMENT: Group song stylist: 0. Oh come on. Have we had costumes for anything else? Go back to your community theatre production of Hair.
Group song graphic artist: -579. Was it really necessary to throw words like "DANCE!" on the big screen? Although that concept isn't as bad as the flames that are the backdrop for any fire-themed song (e.g. Ring of Fire, Light My Fire) it was not good. And get ready, I'm about to yell. COMIC SANS DOES NOT DESERVE A PLACE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
CAMEOS: Oh disco people from yesteryear. Band of Gold is one of my favorite songs, but never have my hands jumped to the fast forward button faster. (I paused for a moment to watch Big Bird flap around on the stage, but that was mostly because I was hoping that Snuffleupagus would show up.) And what's with KC and the Step Touch Jersey Girls Band? Clearly the producers thought this was the 25th reunion for the Tea Neck High School Highwaymen - it would be a scream to get some of those girls up here to dance, wouldn't it? Rock!
Archtastic: Wow. That was not good, dawg. It was pitchy, all over the place. I mean, you got up there, you did your thing, you worked it out, but it wasn't good for me.
RESULTS: Good job, America.
NEXT WEEK: Rat Pack. Good for Dueling Timberlakes if he does what he's supposed to and stays behind the piano. Good for DWD too. Everyone else (well, maybe not Wicked - he can do no wrong) may hear a lot of "You know, that song didn't really need to be changed up - the original is so iconic." Then again, people actually voted for Taylor Hicks (next week's cameo), so perhaps America's view of an "icon" is slightly askew.
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Idol Top 7 Part II: A Pool of Abdul
Disco night is never really good news, but it did give me Carrie Underwood's MacArthur Park, so I can't be totally down on it. This season was no different - one performance that I loved, and a bunch of others that make me glad I multi-tasked and started making my lunch for today in the next room.
Lo Expectations - "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan - Oh come on, woman. Are you still seriously arguing? Again? Do you think that a new weave and "having fun" is all it takes to get votes? At this point in the competition, you actually have to be good. But there is a bright side to tonight's performance: I finally realized that you are ideally suited to be an American Idol backup singer.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "She Works Hard For the Money" by Donna Summer - Love it. If this kid doesn't get signed (because I'm realistic and doubt that he will win) I'm going to be mad. Although I could have done without the remnant from Simon Cowell shirt collection, I get that it's part of his beachcomber vibe. And now that it's not 40 degrees outside, I'm on board.
OBSERVATION #1: I get what Paula was trying to say about the women's department, but did she have to sound so crazy? And does Simon always have to say "I have no idea what she just said"? It's starting to get old.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire - I just caught Anwar's ill-fated Season 4 performance of this very song a few weeks ago on the TV Guide channel. And while DWD's version did not make me cringe in the same manner as Anwar's step-touch dancing and bell bottom jeans, it still wasn't great. DWD is destined to be a Christian rock Tom Jones. Lots of swagger, lots of yelling, and lots of looking up toward the sky. Our God is an awesome god and whatnot. He reigns from heaven above, apparently while wearing a patterned blazer.
OBSERVATION #2: Always on pitch? Really, Paula? Are we talking about the same dude?
Charo - "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer - You just know the only thing in Charo's head at the beginning of the song was "I'm sitting on the stairs while they're moving! This is so cool!" And ignoring her strange akimbo position, I was a little jealous - riding on moving sets is a blast. As for the singing, I was on Simon's side - this was a good performance. The thing about Charo is that she never changes the way she sounds (a la Overmeyer), but each week's performance is different. One criticism - I worry that time spent with a stylist would do more harm than good. (I wear the same thing every day, so maybe I'm not one to ask. I am, however, one to judge.) Those vinyl leggings should not be worn anywhere that you can't score some X.
WickedRaverSiriano - "If I Can’t Have You" by Yvonne Elliman - I'm done. There is no need to screech a high note in the middle of a good performance that might have given me a change of heart, just to prove that you can do it. We know you have range. Now stop screaming. And stop this back and forth manic/meaningful idol playlist and give me something different. A two-note singer is no better than a one-note singer.
OBSERVATION #3: Paula is not on her game tonight. She's bordering on embarassing.
Dueling Timberlakes - "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees - Dude. I'm glad you got saved, if for the simple fact that the save can no longer be used if Lo is eliminated. But this was not the way to bring it. Remember Human Nature? Remember So Small? Yeah, me neither. The save (combined with the red leather jacket and the jaunty fedora) may give you the momentum you need to stay for one more week, but that's all you get. And here's a tip - try some cardio before attempting a dance routine like that.
OBSERVATION #4: Never mind, Paula. Kara takes the cake with her "Saturday Night Live" comment.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer - Yawn. Your attempt at facial hair has been completely negated by your pepto shirt and banker collar shirt. Way to make disco boring.
SHOULD GO (and hopefully) WILL GO: Slumdog and Lo, but I wouldn't disagree with a shocking DWD outster.
TONIGHT: Archtastic, KC and some other disco folk, and a group number choreographed by Paula Abdul. Um. Woo.
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Lo Expectations - "I’m Every Woman" by Chaka Khan - Oh come on, woman. Are you still seriously arguing? Again? Do you think that a new weave and "having fun" is all it takes to get votes? At this point in the competition, you actually have to be good. But there is a bright side to tonight's performance: I finally realized that you are ideally suited to be an American Idol backup singer.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "She Works Hard For the Money" by Donna Summer - Love it. If this kid doesn't get signed (because I'm realistic and doubt that he will win) I'm going to be mad. Although I could have done without the remnant from Simon Cowell shirt collection, I get that it's part of his beachcomber vibe. And now that it's not 40 degrees outside, I'm on board.
OBSERVATION #1: I get what Paula was trying to say about the women's department, but did she have to sound so crazy? And does Simon always have to say "I have no idea what she just said"? It's starting to get old.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire - I just caught Anwar's ill-fated Season 4 performance of this very song a few weeks ago on the TV Guide channel. And while DWD's version did not make me cringe in the same manner as Anwar's step-touch dancing and bell bottom jeans, it still wasn't great. DWD is destined to be a Christian rock Tom Jones. Lots of swagger, lots of yelling, and lots of looking up toward the sky. Our God is an awesome god and whatnot. He reigns from heaven above, apparently while wearing a patterned blazer.
OBSERVATION #2: Always on pitch? Really, Paula? Are we talking about the same dude?
Charo - "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer - You just know the only thing in Charo's head at the beginning of the song was "I'm sitting on the stairs while they're moving! This is so cool!" And ignoring her strange akimbo position, I was a little jealous - riding on moving sets is a blast. As for the singing, I was on Simon's side - this was a good performance. The thing about Charo is that she never changes the way she sounds (a la Overmeyer), but each week's performance is different. One criticism - I worry that time spent with a stylist would do more harm than good. (I wear the same thing every day, so maybe I'm not one to ask. I am, however, one to judge.) Those vinyl leggings should not be worn anywhere that you can't score some X.
WickedRaverSiriano - "If I Can’t Have You" by Yvonne Elliman - I'm done. There is no need to screech a high note in the middle of a good performance that might have given me a change of heart, just to prove that you can do it. We know you have range. Now stop screaming. And stop this back and forth manic/meaningful idol playlist and give me something different. A two-note singer is no better than a one-note singer.
OBSERVATION #3: Paula is not on her game tonight. She's bordering on embarassing.
Dueling Timberlakes - "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees - Dude. I'm glad you got saved, if for the simple fact that the save can no longer be used if Lo is eliminated. But this was not the way to bring it. Remember Human Nature? Remember So Small? Yeah, me neither. The save (combined with the red leather jacket and the jaunty fedora) may give you the momentum you need to stay for one more week, but that's all you get. And here's a tip - try some cardio before attempting a dance routine like that.
OBSERVATION #4: Never mind, Paula. Kara takes the cake with her "Saturday Night Live" comment.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer - Yawn. Your attempt at facial hair has been completely negated by your pepto shirt and banker collar shirt. Way to make disco boring.
SHOULD GO (and hopefully) WILL GO: Slumdog and Lo, but I wouldn't disagree with a shocking DWD outster.
TONIGHT: Archtastic, KC and some other disco folk, and a group number choreographed by Paula Abdul. Um. Woo.
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Saturday, April 18, 2009
Idol Top 7 Results: In Which the Suspense Is Finally Over
You know, I'm thinking that the use of the judges save has rendered the remainder of this season completely suspense-free. Perhaps that's why the apathy set in.
True, I've always been a fan of Dueling Unicorns, but Simon is right - he's not going to win. And probably won't even get a record contract anytime soon. But at least we'll have one more week of piano magic. (Gliss!) And maybe next week, America will get it right and send home Slumdog and Lo Expectations.
GROUP SONG: It's like they knew he was being voted out, no? Otherwise why does he get the chorus both times? Foreshadowing? You mean the judges didn't make their decision on the spot? Shocking.
JUDGMENT: Is it me, or does Lo Expectations dress like a rich widow going to Vegas?
CAMEOS: Miley, if you're going to headbang, maybe you shouldn't wear a prom dress. And stop raising your hand in the air. We know the song is about climbing. What? You want me to talk about her singing? That's not singing. If I wanted to write about screeching cats, I would devote much more time to WickedRaverSiriano.
JHud: Sure. But why do you always choose that song to sing live? It's not very good.
RESULTS: Finally. No more singing for your life. And I'm happy - I really am. But I feel like each week marches closer and closer to a Wicked/Downey finale and that makes me sad.
NEXT WEEK: Disco. Wicked is going to be in his element and I will probably want to hurl something at my tv. Downey is guaranteed to do some crazy Taylor Hicks-ish dancing. And Slumdog is guaranteed to strut around the stage like an entitled Sigma Chi. But if anyone trots out MacAurthur Park, I will vote for them, no questions asked.
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True, I've always been a fan of Dueling Unicorns, but Simon is right - he's not going to win. And probably won't even get a record contract anytime soon. But at least we'll have one more week of piano magic. (Gliss!) And maybe next week, America will get it right and send home Slumdog and Lo Expectations.
GROUP SONG: It's like they knew he was being voted out, no? Otherwise why does he get the chorus both times? Foreshadowing? You mean the judges didn't make their decision on the spot? Shocking.
JUDGMENT: Is it me, or does Lo Expectations dress like a rich widow going to Vegas?
CAMEOS: Miley, if you're going to headbang, maybe you shouldn't wear a prom dress. And stop raising your hand in the air. We know the song is about climbing. What? You want me to talk about her singing? That's not singing. If I wanted to write about screeching cats, I would devote much more time to WickedRaverSiriano.
JHud: Sure. But why do you always choose that song to sing live? It's not very good.
RESULTS: Finally. No more singing for your life. And I'm happy - I really am. But I feel like each week marches closer and closer to a Wicked/Downey finale and that makes me sad.
NEXT WEEK: Disco. Wicked is going to be in his element and I will probably want to hurl something at my tv. Downey is guaranteed to do some crazy Taylor Hicks-ish dancing. And Slumdog is guaranteed to strut around the stage like an entitled Sigma Chi. But if anyone trots out MacAurthur Park, I will vote for them, no questions asked.
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Idol Top 7: Well, At Least It Wasn't Mulan
Oh wait. HSM3 already treated us to that little ditty (Reflections - gag) in the semis. And do we wonder why she didn't make it? Actually, at this point, I'm wondering how half of this cast made it. Tonight's performance episode was almost like a contest to see who could get me to do other things to distract myself the fastest.
OBSERVATION #1 - I'm still mad that I had to go and watch the rest of last week's Fringe on my computer. It's just not the same. And cutting the absurd judges' entrance was probably a good plan. But only letting two judges talk for each contestant? And making Kara and Randy go at the same time? That's practically guaranteeing that half of the contestants will get virtually no constructive criticism. But whatever. The less people fawning over WickedRaver, the better.
Charo - "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith (from Armageddon) - I'm on board. Believe me. But I had a brief Overmeyer flashback during this performance. Crazy hair, growl - the only difference? I don't believe that Charo got her voice from smoking too much crack.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams (from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) - Yawn. I like this better when Brandy sings it. You hear me Slumdog? I like BRANDY circa 1998 better than you.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf (from Easy Rider) - I do not want to get into a car with WickedRS - because he only has two gears: 1st and Overdrive. And even when he's driving in first, he somehow manages to grind the gears. And not in a good way (much like this metaphor). Seriously, do you think you're the second coming of Axl Rose? Because we've seen that dude reincarnated, and it's not a pretty sight. This was nothing more than loud, crazy karaoke. STOP SCREAMING ON MY TV. And Paula - STOP SALIVATING.
Dueling Unicorns - "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams (from Don Juan Demarco) - Wait, this sounds familiar. Right - Daughtry sang it back in the day. And he sang it better. Or at least he didn't try to take away the Latin flavor of the song; he understood that Bryan Adams is a rock singer (easy listening, yes, but still - rock). This wasn't great - much as I want you to do better than other people on this show. Please stop being so spotty, ok?
Dead Wife Sonny Crockett Jr. - "Endless Love" by Diana Ross (from Endless Love) - You know I love a good harp solo. But this was neither the time nor the place. And please stop singing songs that make all of us realize that you're picturing your dead wife. It's just as bad as your friends holding up her picture.
MayerMatthewsMraz - "Falling Slowly" Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (from Once) - Ok. This song would not go away for months. And it was finally off the radar. You know I'm a fan, dude, but did you really have to bring it back? OK, go ahead with the comments, people. I'm the only person in the world to not go nuts for this song on the Oscars last year. Yes, it was mildly cute when the girl got to come back out and thank people, and their modesty is refreshing, but come on. What a boring song. Fine. I'll buy it on the I-Tunes. Now leave me alone.
OBSERVATION #2 - Why am I suddenly in the mood for some Robin Thicke? I don't even like Robin Thicke. And yet I am downloading like crazy. Do you see what you're doing to me, Idol?
Low Expectations - "The Rose" by Bette Midler (from The Rose) - You know, I was merely cringing at your gospel Bette. But then you decided to open your mouth and CUT INTO FRINGE AGAIN. But even if we were running on time, did you really think that arguing was the way to win votes? Your hair-of-many-styles heyday had better be waning. I think you've got at least another week in you (sorry, Slumdog) but I would like you to go away. Soon.
SHOULD GO: Low Expectations
WILL GO: Slumdog Fratboy
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OBSERVATION #1 - I'm still mad that I had to go and watch the rest of last week's Fringe on my computer. It's just not the same. And cutting the absurd judges' entrance was probably a good plan. But only letting two judges talk for each contestant? And making Kara and Randy go at the same time? That's practically guaranteeing that half of the contestants will get virtually no constructive criticism. But whatever. The less people fawning over WickedRaver, the better.
Charo - "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith (from Armageddon) - I'm on board. Believe me. But I had a brief Overmeyer flashback during this performance. Crazy hair, growl - the only difference? I don't believe that Charo got her voice from smoking too much crack.
Slumdog Fratboy - "Everything I Do" by Bryan Adams (from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) - Yawn. I like this better when Brandy sings it. You hear me Slumdog? I like BRANDY circa 1998 better than you.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf (from Easy Rider) - I do not want to get into a car with WickedRS - because he only has two gears: 1st and Overdrive. And even when he's driving in first, he somehow manages to grind the gears. And not in a good way (much like this metaphor). Seriously, do you think you're the second coming of Axl Rose? Because we've seen that dude reincarnated, and it's not a pretty sight. This was nothing more than loud, crazy karaoke. STOP SCREAMING ON MY TV. And Paula - STOP SALIVATING.
Dueling Unicorns - "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams (from Don Juan Demarco) - Wait, this sounds familiar. Right - Daughtry sang it back in the day. And he sang it better. Or at least he didn't try to take away the Latin flavor of the song; he understood that Bryan Adams is a rock singer (easy listening, yes, but still - rock). This wasn't great - much as I want you to do better than other people on this show. Please stop being so spotty, ok?
Dead Wife Sonny Crockett Jr. - "Endless Love" by Diana Ross (from Endless Love) - You know I love a good harp solo. But this was neither the time nor the place. And please stop singing songs that make all of us realize that you're picturing your dead wife. It's just as bad as your friends holding up her picture.
MayerMatthewsMraz - "Falling Slowly" Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (from Once) - Ok. This song would not go away for months. And it was finally off the radar. You know I'm a fan, dude, but did you really have to bring it back? OK, go ahead with the comments, people. I'm the only person in the world to not go nuts for this song on the Oscars last year. Yes, it was mildly cute when the girl got to come back out and thank people, and their modesty is refreshing, but come on. What a boring song. Fine. I'll buy it on the I-Tunes. Now leave me alone.
OBSERVATION #2 - Why am I suddenly in the mood for some Robin Thicke? I don't even like Robin Thicke. And yet I am downloading like crazy. Do you see what you're doing to me, Idol?
Low Expectations - "The Rose" by Bette Midler (from The Rose) - You know, I was merely cringing at your gospel Bette. But then you decided to open your mouth and CUT INTO FRINGE AGAIN. But even if we were running on time, did you really think that arguing was the way to win votes? Your hair-of-many-styles heyday had better be waning. I think you've got at least another week in you (sorry, Slumdog) but I would like you to go away. Soon.
SHOULD GO: Low Expectations
WILL GO: Slumdog Fratboy
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Thursday, April 9, 2009
Idol Top 8 Results: In Which I Lose All Respect For Paula and Kara
Are you kidding me? There were some moments there where I didn't think the entire "judges save deliberation" wasn't completely staged. Did the girls really want to use it? After that? After that wretched high note? I will say it out loud - if the judges had used their save last night, it would have been the end of the road for me.
And to think, I almost stopped watching after the sing for your life "performance". I wish I had - it would have spared me the drama and suspense of wondering whether or not I was going to have to burn my Carrie Underwood cds in protest. (Don't worry - I would never do that.)
GROUP SONG: Um. Ouch. This performance has shown us two things:
1. There aren't many songs that work with only two women. Especially two women with radically different sounds.
2. Napoleon was really holding everyone back with the choreography. Now I'm not saying that I enjoy watching idiots do jazz squares, but it has to be better than the back and forth mess they subjected us to last night. I bet the choreographers were jumping for joy at the end of the episode.
JUDGMENT: I spent all my judgment on the group number. It was that bad. And Adam's gigantic feet continue to frighten me. Maybe don't wear white boots, ok?
CAMEOS: Oh Frankie Avalon. Why are you here? Is the national tour of Grease stopping through LA? Do you have a greatest hits cd coming out (or "dropping", as the kids say)? Whether or not you sounded good (I fast forwarded through most of it - that is a boring song, no?) you had a lot of grace on the stage. Some of the kids should learn from you.
Flo Rida. I don't care for rap as a general rule, but this wasn't bad. The thing that I took away from this performance was that one can dance by simply raising one foot in the air, and then switching legs. I'm totally going to work that into my club routine. You know, for all the times I go to clubs.
Pickler: Well, she looks great, doesn't she? And she's certainly a better performer than she was back in the day. And I kind of liked that song (until I found out that Taylor Swift was a co-writer - bleh). But there's a reason Pickler didn't win. And that reason is she's just not an awesome singer. Oh well.
RESULTS: Thank you, America for not making me hate you. Paula and Kara? The verdict is still out.
NEXT WEEK: Oh we're in for a doozie (how does one spell that?) of a week next week. "Idols at the Movies," mentored by Quentin Tarantino. Yeah, I bet he knows a lot about singing. Plus performances by JHud and Miley Cyrus. I might have to start drinking earlier in the day.
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And to think, I almost stopped watching after the sing for your life "performance". I wish I had - it would have spared me the drama and suspense of wondering whether or not I was going to have to burn my Carrie Underwood cds in protest. (Don't worry - I would never do that.)
GROUP SONG: Um. Ouch. This performance has shown us two things:
1. There aren't many songs that work with only two women. Especially two women with radically different sounds.
2. Napoleon was really holding everyone back with the choreography. Now I'm not saying that I enjoy watching idiots do jazz squares, but it has to be better than the back and forth mess they subjected us to last night. I bet the choreographers were jumping for joy at the end of the episode.
JUDGMENT: I spent all my judgment on the group number. It was that bad. And Adam's gigantic feet continue to frighten me. Maybe don't wear white boots, ok?
CAMEOS: Oh Frankie Avalon. Why are you here? Is the national tour of Grease stopping through LA? Do you have a greatest hits cd coming out (or "dropping", as the kids say)? Whether or not you sounded good (I fast forwarded through most of it - that is a boring song, no?) you had a lot of grace on the stage. Some of the kids should learn from you.
Flo Rida. I don't care for rap as a general rule, but this wasn't bad. The thing that I took away from this performance was that one can dance by simply raising one foot in the air, and then switching legs. I'm totally going to work that into my club routine. You know, for all the times I go to clubs.
Pickler: Well, she looks great, doesn't she? And she's certainly a better performer than she was back in the day. And I kind of liked that song (until I found out that Taylor Swift was a co-writer - bleh). But there's a reason Pickler didn't win. And that reason is she's just not an awesome singer. Oh well.
RESULTS: Thank you, America for not making me hate you. Paula and Kara? The verdict is still out.
NEXT WEEK: Oh we're in for a doozie (how does one spell that?) of a week next week. "Idols at the Movies," mentored by Quentin Tarantino. Yeah, I bet he knows a lot about singing. Plus performances by JHud and Miley Cyrus. I might have to start drinking earlier in the day.
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Idol Top 8: God, I'm Old
After last night's extended session of martinis and madness, I decided to take a nap after work. So I was nice and refreshed when I woke up for Idol. I kind of wish I'd stayed asleep, though. Because in addition to making me say "Ugh" each time they announced their birthday, each contestant managed to bore me to tears.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "Stand by Me" by Mickey Gilley: About midway through this song I decided that I was bored enough to go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You hear that, Gokey? You've become background noise. Stop trying to inspire me and go back to the PYT vibe.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley: I'm of the opinion that the producers hate MMM. Why else would they put him on the stupid "middle of the audience" pedestal? He looks like a munchkin amid a field of swaying flowers. Or poppies. Maybe that's why I'm falling asleep again. (Yeah, I just referenced The Wizard of Oz. Deal with it.) This is the first week in a while that I'm not shelling out 99 cents on the I-Tunes - yawn.
Low Expectations - "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner: Screw listening to the judges. Why haven't you listened to me for the last 5 weeks? You've been singing karaoke this whole time and I'm glad you finally got called on it. If you don't wind up in the bottom three I will...well, I'll do something bold and unexpected. You know - kind of like you haven't been doing this whole time.
Slumdog Fratboy - "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper: I'm sorry. I don't like this song. I never have. It remind me of those old Kodak commercials. And if that dates me, so be it. Because guess what? I wasn't born in the mid to late 80's (or 90's - god.) so I'm not hearing these songs for the first time. I will give Slumdog some props for making his frat boy friends stay at home. Now the only thing making him look like a loser is that green cardigan.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite - "The Search is Over" by Survivor: I'm starting to feel bad for making fun of the blind kid. Can we just let him go home and stop this madness? This was bad. Seriously. Let him go, people.
Charo - "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt: I am now a fan. Maybe not a fan that would buy her cd, but in this season of severe mediocre-ness, her manic panic is actually a bright spot. But why does Randy refuse to say Kelly's name? Is he worried that a direct comparison will create an Alexis Grace moment again? (SIDEBAR: I'm ok with the Bonnie and George Michael versions of this song, but what I really enjoy is Megan Mullally's Connie Raitt version on SNL - if anyone can find it on the internet somewhere I'll be eternally grateful.)
Dueling Bubbles - "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder: During this whole performance I was trying to figure out what was really making it work. And then it hit me: the fedora covers up the mole. If there was ever a reason to rock a hat, this is it. Because as one of my friends pointed out last week - the mole makes him look like a unicorn. Which means his choices are to 1) wear hat and cover up or 2) wear pink glitter and hope that the Rainbow Archuletta Coalition will be powerless against mythical creatures.
OBSERVATION: Why hasn't someone yelled at the "director" yet? Seven minutes over time is excessive. And I swear if this dude's lack of skills means that my Fringe recording cuts off before the closing credits, I am going to hold Donnie personally responsible.
Donnie Darko - "Mad World" by Tears for Fears: Sigh. Yes, most of this song sounds good. Yes, the downlight worked for Bo way back in Season 4 (and again for this douche a few weeks ago - is the light designer asleep at the wheel?). But you know what? I'm so over the hype that nothing you do is going to make me like you. Your high notes make me want to peel the skin from my arms. And your fringey scarf? Just reminds me that I'm missing Fringe. Jerk.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Napoleon
Tomorrow night: Flo-rida and Kellie Pickler. Wasn't this supposed to be a showcase for past winners? Is Pickler really the best you can get this week? I seriously doubt Taylor Hicks is unavailable. (Watch next week's guest be Bucky Covington or Crappy Lee Suck. Perhaps in a moving duet about living in a trailer park.) We still need performances from Carrie, Fantasia (yee!) and Jordin before we start scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Dead Wife Downey, Jr. - "Stand by Me" by Mickey Gilley: About midway through this song I decided that I was bored enough to go to the kitchen and start making dinner. You hear that, Gokey? You've become background noise. Stop trying to inspire me and go back to the PYT vibe.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "All She Wants to Do is Dance" by Don Henley: I'm of the opinion that the producers hate MMM. Why else would they put him on the stupid "middle of the audience" pedestal? He looks like a munchkin amid a field of swaying flowers. Or poppies. Maybe that's why I'm falling asleep again. (Yeah, I just referenced The Wizard of Oz. Deal with it.) This is the first week in a while that I'm not shelling out 99 cents on the I-Tunes - yawn.
Low Expectations - "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner: Screw listening to the judges. Why haven't you listened to me for the last 5 weeks? You've been singing karaoke this whole time and I'm glad you finally got called on it. If you don't wind up in the bottom three I will...well, I'll do something bold and unexpected. You know - kind of like you haven't been doing this whole time.
Slumdog Fratboy - "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper: I'm sorry. I don't like this song. I never have. It remind me of those old Kodak commercials. And if that dates me, so be it. Because guess what? I wasn't born in the mid to late 80's (or 90's - god.) so I'm not hearing these songs for the first time. I will give Slumdog some props for making his frat boy friends stay at home. Now the only thing making him look like a loser is that green cardigan.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite - "The Search is Over" by Survivor: I'm starting to feel bad for making fun of the blind kid. Can we just let him go home and stop this madness? This was bad. Seriously. Let him go, people.
Charo - "I Can’t Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt: I am now a fan. Maybe not a fan that would buy her cd, but in this season of severe mediocre-ness, her manic panic is actually a bright spot. But why does Randy refuse to say Kelly's name? Is he worried that a direct comparison will create an Alexis Grace moment again? (SIDEBAR: I'm ok with the Bonnie and George Michael versions of this song, but what I really enjoy is Megan Mullally's Connie Raitt version on SNL - if anyone can find it on the internet somewhere I'll be eternally grateful.)
Dueling Bubbles - "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder: During this whole performance I was trying to figure out what was really making it work. And then it hit me: the fedora covers up the mole. If there was ever a reason to rock a hat, this is it. Because as one of my friends pointed out last week - the mole makes him look like a unicorn. Which means his choices are to 1) wear hat and cover up or 2) wear pink glitter and hope that the Rainbow Archuletta Coalition will be powerless against mythical creatures.
OBSERVATION: Why hasn't someone yelled at the "director" yet? Seven minutes over time is excessive. And I swear if this dude's lack of skills means that my Fringe recording cuts off before the closing credits, I am going to hold Donnie personally responsible.
Donnie Darko - "Mad World" by Tears for Fears: Sigh. Yes, most of this song sounds good. Yes, the downlight worked for Bo way back in Season 4 (and again for this douche a few weeks ago - is the light designer asleep at the wheel?). But you know what? I'm so over the hype that nothing you do is going to make me like you. Your high notes make me want to peel the skin from my arms. And your fringey scarf? Just reminds me that I'm missing Fringe. Jerk.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Napoleon
Tomorrow night: Flo-rida and Kellie Pickler. Wasn't this supposed to be a showcase for past winners? Is Pickler really the best you can get this week? I seriously doubt Taylor Hicks is unavailable. (Watch next week's guest be Bucky Covington or Crappy Lee Suck. Perhaps in a moving duet about living in a trailer park.) We still need performances from Carrie, Fantasia (yee!) and Jordin before we start scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Thursday, April 2, 2009
Idol Top 9 Results: In Which I Ponder Zippers As Accessories
Oh children. What is happening with the world? Two glasses of wine and I passed out at 10:30. If it weren't for Jenni's assist yesterday, I never would have made it. I think we can blame the contact high from standing too close to my TV when Tropical Barbie (also dubbed Puff Puff Pass by some of my more astute co-critics) was singing.
GROUP SONG: While this wasn't a complete train wreck like last week, it only made me want to see Glee even more. Did you catch the preview during the performance episode? I'd pay money for that recording of Don't Stop Believing.
JUDGMENT: You can tell I was tired - the only thought I could muster up was that Tender Puppy should have saved his "Please Don't Stop the Music" t-shirt until he is in the Top 4 and in danger of being Daughtry-ed out of the finals without the safety net of the judges' save.
CAMEOS: What? What the hell was that? You just know that Tropical Stoner Barbie was thinking "I sound just like her! Slap a zipper on my eye and we can have the same career!" If I could have voted out Lady Gaga, I would have. I do like the see-through piano though - I'll give her that.
Cookie's pre-taped performance seemed a little sleepy. But knowing that he's canceled some concerts due to family issues makes me wonder if he was worried about his brother or something and not seeing him in the audience with his mom made him extra sad. I'll give him a pass. After all - I contributed to the platinumifcation of his album. And part of me enjoys when people who are emotional well up all the time - but not in a creepy Bachelor way.
RESULTS: Way to get it right, America. I would have been happy with either one of the bottom two going. (Why was Slumdog's fratdouche friend wearing a bowtie tonight? Lame.) But the caw-ing and the apathy and the crazy eyes made me glad that it was Barbie's time.
NEXT WEEK: Songs From the Year They Were Born is just a fancy way of saying 80's night. And it's also a convenient way for the producers to make me feel old. Jerks.
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GROUP SONG: While this wasn't a complete train wreck like last week, it only made me want to see Glee even more. Did you catch the preview during the performance episode? I'd pay money for that recording of Don't Stop Believing.
JUDGMENT: You can tell I was tired - the only thought I could muster up was that Tender Puppy should have saved his "Please Don't Stop the Music" t-shirt until he is in the Top 4 and in danger of being Daughtry-ed out of the finals without the safety net of the judges' save.
CAMEOS: What? What the hell was that? You just know that Tropical Stoner Barbie was thinking "I sound just like her! Slap a zipper on my eye and we can have the same career!" If I could have voted out Lady Gaga, I would have. I do like the see-through piano though - I'll give her that.
Cookie's pre-taped performance seemed a little sleepy. But knowing that he's canceled some concerts due to family issues makes me wonder if he was worried about his brother or something and not seeing him in the audience with his mom made him extra sad. I'll give him a pass. After all - I contributed to the platinumifcation of his album. And part of me enjoys when people who are emotional well up all the time - but not in a creepy Bachelor way.
RESULTS: Way to get it right, America. I would have been happy with either one of the bottom two going. (Why was Slumdog's fratdouche friend wearing a bowtie tonight? Lame.) But the caw-ing and the apathy and the crazy eyes made me glad that it was Barbie's time.
NEXT WEEK: Songs From the Year They Were Born is just a fancy way of saying 80's night. And it's also a convenient way for the producers to make me feel old. Jerks.
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Idol Top 9: Modern Day Disaster
Rehearsals started this week, so I couldn't even watch last night's episode until 11:45pm. Then I had to give some sort of presentation to a bunch of MBA's all morning. But I don't want to leave you people high and dry. So I present to you a special guest appearance by Miss Jenni A. She agrees with me on many fronts, most notably the sheer absurdity of WickedRaverSiriano. Give her some love, OK?
Oh my...
Observations:
Can we please get rid of that stupid narcissistic grand entrance to introduce the judges? Ugh.
Does Ryan Seacrest ever sleep?
Does Paula ever get enough sleep at night? Her eyes always look so heavy.
Who does Kara's hair? I was digging the hairstyle last night. But that was about it.
(these may be out of order)
Slumdog (Caught up): OK douche, stop trying to be Michael Jackson, Usher, Bobby Brown, Ne-Yo or Chris Brown (Oh... too soon?). If you're going to sing a song with a lot of rhythm... then you have to dance... not just jump down, hit a Michael Jackson pose and expect the sorority girls to go crazy. You would have been much better singing that Slumdog Bollywood song that's everywhere nowadays.
Jamaican Lillith Fair Barbie (Turn Your Lights Down Low): I am actually glad she didn't do Adele or Amy Winehouse or Duffy.. because this girl is no where near as talented as they are and I think she keeps avoiding those songs because she knows it will show just how weak she is as a singer. Sure she has the same vibe, but not the same talent. Was this the wrong song choice? Eh. It wasn't as horrible as the judges made it seem... but her shtick is old. Time for you to ride off into the Jamaican sunset and spark one up, honey.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. (What Hurts The Most): Well, good for DWD for not throwing the dead wife shtick in our faces. But you know he subconciously does these "longing" songs to generate sympathy votes... let's not sugar-coat it. He can't be blind like Scott... and he doesn't have a little kid to throw him or herself on Randy... so he has to "tear at people's heart strings" to get people to dial. I thought he was flat and kind of under the notes the entire time... but oh well. P.S. I highly expect him to discuss his wife on camera in the coming weeks, especially if he gets booted into the bottom 3 at some point.
Paula's Daughter (Don't Speak): The outfit was a bit "I wanna be a rock star someday, mommy!" but it fit the performance. The first half of the song was sooooo much better than the second half. It got kind of "Courtney Love on crack" towards the end. I think you're going down to the bottom 3 tonight... even though you're just 16!!!!!!
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Just The Way You Are): I liked it. I especially liked it when Kara said she liked the new look... he doesn't know what he looks like stupid!!! I also love the disrespect in the he showed Ryan by wearing his iPod earbuds in the radio studio when Ryan was talking.. or was that just a cheap plug for Apple? But the song was good. He showed a little more vocal range which was nice... he can stick around another week for another inspirational song on the piano.
Dueling Bubbles (You Found Me): Oh boy... I don't know what disappointed me more: The fact that you didn't do a Timberlake song, the fact that you picked the wussiest band around right now to cover, the fact that you grunted the entire song to make your voice seem more "rockish" or your justification for doing that song "well, I like rock." Hey buddy, so do I, but I'm not going to attempt to sing it on national TV (I would totally do Beyonce... duh!). Stick to what you do best and pick artists who aren't going to be the next Candlebox and have people look back on their albums and say "Ick, why did I ever spend 10 bucks on this album?"
Lil Disappointing (I Surrender): First off, no one can do this song like Kelly Clarkson did in the final 3 on season 1 when Simon picked it for her. Girlfriend sang it with laryngitis and still sang it better than this senior citizen singer. Sure she had nice control over her voice... but my grandmother's Depends also have nice control... and that's who I'm going to start comparing you to Lil Rounds.. my Grandma. Because you had every chance to do something B96-ish... and you blew it... AGAIN! However, I predict you will be spared the bottom 3 because instead of the judges reminding us how GREAT you are like they did last week, Ryan saved you by sending your adorable kid to ham it up for the cameras with Randy. Well played, Seacrest.
Fallout Elvis (Play That Funky Music): What a joke.
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz (Ain't No Sunshine): I have 4 words for Kris, "He has now been crowned my new boyfriend for the season... because he is on fire." I agree that he brought the swagger last night... but he also brought that singer/songwriter angst to a song that's a million years old and made it sound new again. He's the most current artist right now... and I think he can ride Jason Mraz's coattails all the way to the final 3. Well done.
Top 3:
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz
Dead Wife Downey, Jr.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite
Bottom 3:
Slumdog
Jamaican Barbie
Paula's Daughter
Will go: Slumdog
Should go: Jamaican Barbie
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Oh my...
Observations:
Can we please get rid of that stupid narcissistic grand entrance to introduce the judges? Ugh.
Does Ryan Seacrest ever sleep?
Does Paula ever get enough sleep at night? Her eyes always look so heavy.
Who does Kara's hair? I was digging the hairstyle last night. But that was about it.
(these may be out of order)
Slumdog (Caught up): OK douche, stop trying to be Michael Jackson, Usher, Bobby Brown, Ne-Yo or Chris Brown (Oh... too soon?). If you're going to sing a song with a lot of rhythm... then you have to dance... not just jump down, hit a Michael Jackson pose and expect the sorority girls to go crazy. You would have been much better singing that Slumdog Bollywood song that's everywhere nowadays.
Jamaican Lillith Fair Barbie (Turn Your Lights Down Low): I am actually glad she didn't do Adele or Amy Winehouse or Duffy.. because this girl is no where near as talented as they are and I think she keeps avoiding those songs because she knows it will show just how weak she is as a singer. Sure she has the same vibe, but not the same talent. Was this the wrong song choice? Eh. It wasn't as horrible as the judges made it seem... but her shtick is old. Time for you to ride off into the Jamaican sunset and spark one up, honey.
Dead Wife Downey, Jr. (What Hurts The Most): Well, good for DWD for not throwing the dead wife shtick in our faces. But you know he subconciously does these "longing" songs to generate sympathy votes... let's not sugar-coat it. He can't be blind like Scott... and he doesn't have a little kid to throw him or herself on Randy... so he has to "tear at people's heart strings" to get people to dial. I thought he was flat and kind of under the notes the entire time... but oh well. P.S. I highly expect him to discuss his wife on camera in the coming weeks, especially if he gets booted into the bottom 3 at some point.
Paula's Daughter (Don't Speak): The outfit was a bit "I wanna be a rock star someday, mommy!" but it fit the performance. The first half of the song was sooooo much better than the second half. It got kind of "Courtney Love on crack" towards the end. I think you're going down to the bottom 3 tonight... even though you're just 16!!!!!!
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite (Just The Way You Are): I liked it. I especially liked it when Kara said she liked the new look... he doesn't know what he looks like stupid!!! I also love the disrespect in the he showed Ryan by wearing his iPod earbuds in the radio studio when Ryan was talking.. or was that just a cheap plug for Apple? But the song was good. He showed a little more vocal range which was nice... he can stick around another week for another inspirational song on the piano.
Dueling Bubbles (You Found Me): Oh boy... I don't know what disappointed me more: The fact that you didn't do a Timberlake song, the fact that you picked the wussiest band around right now to cover, the fact that you grunted the entire song to make your voice seem more "rockish" or your justification for doing that song "well, I like rock." Hey buddy, so do I, but I'm not going to attempt to sing it on national TV (I would totally do Beyonce... duh!). Stick to what you do best and pick artists who aren't going to be the next Candlebox and have people look back on their albums and say "Ick, why did I ever spend 10 bucks on this album?"
Lil Disappointing (I Surrender): First off, no one can do this song like Kelly Clarkson did in the final 3 on season 1 when Simon picked it for her. Girlfriend sang it with laryngitis and still sang it better than this senior citizen singer. Sure she had nice control over her voice... but my grandmother's Depends also have nice control... and that's who I'm going to start comparing you to Lil Rounds.. my Grandma. Because you had every chance to do something B96-ish... and you blew it... AGAIN! However, I predict you will be spared the bottom 3 because instead of the judges reminding us how GREAT you are like they did last week, Ryan saved you by sending your adorable kid to ham it up for the cameras with Randy. Well played, Seacrest.
Fallout Elvis (Play That Funky Music): What a joke.
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz (Ain't No Sunshine): I have 4 words for Kris, "He has now been crowned my new boyfriend for the season... because he is on fire." I agree that he brought the swagger last night... but he also brought that singer/songwriter angst to a song that's a million years old and made it sound new again. He's the most current artist right now... and I think he can ride Jason Mraz's coattails all the way to the final 3. Well done.
Top 3:
Dave Matthews Mayer Mraz
Dead Wife Downey, Jr.
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite
Bottom 3:
Slumdog
Jamaican Barbie
Paula's Daughter
Will go: Slumdog
Should go: Jamaican Barbie
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Friday, March 27, 2009
Idol Top 10 Results: In Which I Find a Nap To Be More Appealing
So I was watching Samantha Who while waiting for Idol to finish (the DVR is a necessity for all Idol viewing) and fell asleep. Then I woke up and rewound and watched the end of Christina Applegate and her hijinks with Jennifer Esposito. And then I decided that I needed a full-on nap and slept on my couch until 10. That's how little I cared about tonight's elimination episode.
GROUP SONG: Did this seem like an afterthought? It was really strangely edited - like they didn't have time for rehearsal or something. And what was with all the retrospective photos? Opry week didn't get that kind of love. My only thought was that Lil should try singing her solo songs as well as this.
JUDGMENT: Man, WickedRaverSirianoIsaak's feet must be huge. It looks like he's walking around in bozo shoes.
CAMEOS: Something about the Joss/Smokey harmonies just weren't right. I like them both - separately.
Ruuuuuuben is still a good time. I feel bad that he hasn't had a better career. (I thought he lost a bunch of weight though...was that someone else?) Although it was a good performance, I'm really creeped out about the fact that Seacrest wiped the excessive sweat of Ruben's bald head with his bare hand. Ew.
Stevie rocks. Just like always. It's a shame that Napoleon can't see what a blind piano performance SHOULD look like. Stevie always looks like he's having a good time. And I think I need to learn the harmonica. Luckily, his blindess saved him from witnessing Kara's inane hand on the heart posing/sing-a-long.
RESULTS: Are you kidding me, America? Dueling Bubles in the bottom 2? Booo. Booooooooo. Roughneck deserved to go, but this was all a little too close for comfort for my liking. I'll try to ramp up my voting next week, but I can't do it all on my own. It's a good thing I was well rested, because I spent at least ten minutes shaking my fist at the tv. And that's a good aerobic workout.
NEXT WEEK: My Tivo cut off right after Simon delivered his "You're going home" after the oh-so-authentic judges debate about whether to save poor Roughneck. Anyone know what next week's theme is?
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GROUP SONG: Did this seem like an afterthought? It was really strangely edited - like they didn't have time for rehearsal or something. And what was with all the retrospective photos? Opry week didn't get that kind of love. My only thought was that Lil should try singing her solo songs as well as this.
JUDGMENT: Man, WickedRaverSirianoIsaak's feet must be huge. It looks like he's walking around in bozo shoes.
CAMEOS: Something about the Joss/Smokey harmonies just weren't right. I like them both - separately.
Ruuuuuuben is still a good time. I feel bad that he hasn't had a better career. (I thought he lost a bunch of weight though...was that someone else?) Although it was a good performance, I'm really creeped out about the fact that Seacrest wiped the excessive sweat of Ruben's bald head with his bare hand. Ew.
Stevie rocks. Just like always. It's a shame that Napoleon can't see what a blind piano performance SHOULD look like. Stevie always looks like he's having a good time. And I think I need to learn the harmonica. Luckily, his blindess saved him from witnessing Kara's inane hand on the heart posing/sing-a-long.
RESULTS: Are you kidding me, America? Dueling Bubles in the bottom 2? Booo. Booooooooo. Roughneck deserved to go, but this was all a little too close for comfort for my liking. I'll try to ramp up my voting next week, but I can't do it all on my own. It's a good thing I was well rested, because I spent at least ten minutes shaking my fist at the tv. And that's a good aerobic workout.
NEXT WEEK: My Tivo cut off right after Simon delivered his "You're going home" after the oh-so-authentic judges debate about whether to save poor Roughneck. Anyone know what next week's theme is?
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Thursday, March 26, 2009
Idol Top 10: Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing
Ok kids, it's time to settle down with a nice glass of wine. And when I say "nice," I mean "cheap." And when I say "glass," I mean "bottle." Because if anything is going to drive me to drink, it's tonight's performance episode. Seriously.
Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.
Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.
OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.
Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.
Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.
Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.
OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?
Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?
WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.
Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.
OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.
I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie
COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)
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Dueling Bubles - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye - I can't help it. I'm on Team Giraud. Dude has mad skills at the piano and he doesn't overdo the Timberlaking. Plus (with the exception of the adoucherements in his wildcard week), DB knows how to dress. Yeah, it was kind of a lackluster start to a lackluster night, but I'm still on board.
Tender Puppy - "How Sweet it Is" by Marvin Gaye - Why can't I hear your guitar when I can see that it's plugged in? Does the sound guy hate you? What's with your shirt? Are those the numbers from Lost? Have your sleeves and shirttail been taken over by the smoke monster? Who approved this look? But the real mystery here is when did Paula start to have actual musical knowledge? I checked - that rockin' high note was an A. Tell me that Paula doesn't have perfect pitch.
OBSERVATION #1: Why are the backup singers on stage? And why is Kimberley Locke one of them? Why haven't they been fired yet?
Napoleon Blind-O-Mite -"You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes - I appreciate that the stylists decided to pay you back for not letting them touch your precious William Katt hair. What better way to get revenge on the blind kid than to give him pink pants and a barbershop quartet jacket and not tell him until right before he goes on? Classic. Although I tend to use Napoleon songs to go to the kitchen and refill my glass, I will point out that he did at least attempt to perform. It still wasn't good (and the vocals were baaaaaad - and Kara's the only one to call it out?) but at least he tried. Don't worry - any sympathy I might have drummed up for this douche went away as soon as he started proclaiming that he is a singer songwriter and will always sit behind the piano because that's just what he does. Shut up. No really - shut up.
Tropical Bjork Barbie - "For Once In My Life" by Stevie Wonder - I enjoyed this performance in the same way that I enjoy a sloe gin fizz. No one actually likes sloe gin, but it's so sweet and bubbly that you can't help but drink. TBB definitely went to the Haley Scarnato school of "If You Can't Sing, Look Hotter Than Everyone Else By Showing Lots of Skin." Well done, lady.
Slumdog Idol - "Ooh Baby Baby" by Smokey Robinson - Why am I the only one that hears that Slumdog is flat FOR THE ENTIRE SONG? Come on, Paula. I've been counting on you for the musical wisdom tonight (you even used the word "rubato" - impressive) and now you're letting me down. The only thing that could have been worse would be if SI had foregone the letter jacket on gone full-on Members Only. (And by worse, I think I mean awesome.) I don't get what the big deal is about you, Slumdog. I really don't.
Roughneck - "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations - You lost me with the flops while talking to Smokey. How many times do I have to tell fat guys to lose the flip flops? You need to wear substantial shoes. Especially when you are on national TV talking to a Motown legend. Shoes. SHOES. Oh right - the song. It's a shame he's still sick, because this could have been ok. One wonders if America is going to keep Roughnecking it up or if they'll finally realize he's no Josh Gracin. Which isn't really saying much.
OBSERVATION #2: I absolutely cannot wait for Glee to premiere. Anyone else?
Lot Disappointing - "Heatwave" by Martha and the Vandellas - I bet LD is really good at karaoke. I also think Vonzell Solomon is good at karaoke, and I'm pretty sure she's returned to her life as a postal worker. Tamyra Gray hair isn't going to help you if you don't stop royally sucking.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else see Napoleon pointed toward the album covers on the wall when Lil was being all emotional in Detroit? I thought he couldn't see. What is he looking at?
WickedRaverSirianoIsaak - "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson - I feel that WRSI really understood when Smokey was talking about seeing the tracks on someone's face. You could practically see him wishing that he'd kept his hands away from his acne when he was 12. And then the new look is unveiled (mostly because I didn't bother to pay attention to the opening). Nice hair. Somehow it makes me hate you a little bit less - but only a little. I still can't abide the falsetto on EVERY FREAKING NOTE. Yes, this performance has been the only of your that I have been able to tolerate. But toleration is not love (and the scarf that your boy is wearing in the audience? Boo.). Your white Bo Bice downlight and More Than Words arrangement is not enough to get me to like you. I do not want to buy your album. At all. Go away.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Get Ready" by The Temptations - Erin likened this performance to your drunk uncle at a wedding. But I, for one, would enjoy it if any of my uncles would get that drunk and be that entertaining. It's like being related to Tom Jones. Here's the thing: it may be all Taylor Hicks-ish in the movements (except not as floppy), but he's actually got the voice to back it up. I would buy this album. (You hear that Wicked? I would buy DWD's album. Not yours. Bleh.) One complaint - stop saying the word "git." Dr. Barton would be furious.
Charo - "Papa Was a Rollling Stone" by The Temptations - OK fine. You've learned how not to Glocksen. I'm not a total convert, but this was some good news. Maybe it was the talking mid-song. Maybe it was you forgetting the words and winking at the audience like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it was Kara giving you a full on lap dance after the applause died down. Whatever it is - you're the only girl that deserves to be here. So I hope you stick around.
OBSERVATION 4#: At first I thought Crayola would be happy for the product placement. But then Simon ruined it. How many kids are going to go draw on their parents' faces after they pass out on the couch tonight? Thank god I live alone.
I would love a shocking double elimination. I know it won't happen, but I can dream.
SHOULD GO: Napoleon and/or Lil
WILL GO: Roughneck and/or Barbie
COMING UP: Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson sing a medley. Ruben Studdard sings his new single "Together" and Stevie Wonder performs a Motown medley. (Why all the medleys? Just sing one song and get to the results.)
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