American Idol Top 24 Girls: The Day Ryan Jinxes Everyone

"So here's the math. For the next three weeks, each group will take the stage separately. And based on your votes, we will lose the bottom two girls and the bottom two guys until we get down to your top 12. Sounds easy, but you're gonna have to make some tough calls because this year's group really is incredible and has great potential." Good job, Ryan. I'm now expecting the worst live show in history.

SIDEBAR #1: Thank god for Ellen.

Paige Miles "All Right Now" by Bad Company: This would be fine if I were at Trader Todd's. And I were much drunker. But I've only been able to finish up one glass. Let's pause while I refill...and we're back. And no amount of wine has prepared me for live Kara. Or for the "hands above the head, clapping on the mic" part of the chorus. But oh well. It's just the first performance, and I think she's just enough Kimberley Locke + Paris Bennett to make it through.

Eva Mendes (Ashley Rodriguez) "Happy" by Leona Lewis: OK, let's talk about things that one should never do on Idol. 1. Don't perform a single by someone that Simon Cowell discovered/produced. 2. Don't take any advice from Kara. 3. For your next song, maybe you don't do something by a previous Idol. "Battlefield" may not be the best song, but when Jordin tells me to, I will go and get my armor.

Janell Wheeler "What About Love" by Heart: Is that a key? I'm not so sure. Remember the good times with your guitar? And some song that I can't recall from Hollywood week (oh right - "American Boy")? I liked you then. Not so much now. I do not like anyone who sings Heart. Except Carrie Underwood. Come on, girls - stop trying to copy Ann Wilson.

Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles: Your eyeliner terrifies me. And why do we have to keep bringing back the Beatles? Season 7's two episode tribute disaster was enough to prove that the Beatles should not be covered by mediocre twenty-somethings. Yeah, that's right. I said mediocre. Because there are enough of those husky-voiced chicks out there. And I don't believe they're really drunk, like they're trying to make me think they are.

SIDEBAR #2: I'm not going to be able to top this witticism from my friend The Lawyer: "I do love that some 19th century vaudevillian magician gave her his vocabulary: "Guuuurrrrrrl, I mean you go out there and BuuUSK!" Busk? BUSK!? I didn't learn that term until tumbling deep into nerdy magicdom. Also funny: when you look up busk on Wikipedia, you get this - Street performers exhibiting a chained bear and a monkey:"


Awesome.

Naomi From 90210 v2.0 (Katelyn Epperly) "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles: Oh god. What is that thing in your hair? It looks like a flatter version of the thing that took over Carrie's head during her Randy Travis extravaganza last season. And not in a good way. Wait, what? Oh, I wasn't listening to your stupid old Beatles song. That's not why people watch Idol. NO MORE BEATLES.

SIDEBAR #3: OK, I'm going to get hate mail. I don't like the Beatles. Deal with it.

Nosering Headband Flower (Haeley Vaughn) "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by the freaking Beatles: OK, fine. I appreciate that this sounds nothing like the Beatles. And for some reason I like you. Against my better judgment. Oh, but guess what? I'm not letting you totally off the hook: Because a nosering does not make you Kelly Clarkson. And that flower in your hair is stupid.

SIDEBAR #4: The fact that the Dawg calls Ellen "E" makes me forgive him for so many past transgressions. And I'll give him a bye this week.

SIDEBAR #5: "I'm only saying what you're thinking." So true, Simon.

Second Choice to Tropical Meth Barbie (Lacey Brown) "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac: Ohhhhhhhhh. No. This is not good. And randomly it has popped up on Fresh 105.9 (Not Too Old, Not Too Light) twice in the past two days...but I'm pretty sure it was the Dixie Chicks version. You may not know what that is...it's a "good" cover of an ok song. Not like what you just did. Stop Nikki McKibbin-ing it up on that stage. (But please ignore Kara's suggestion of singing something by Sixpence None the Richer. No one wants to hear that crap.)

Michelle Delamor "Fallin" by Alicia Keys: I'm pretty sure this isn't the best. But it's so much better than what just happened, that I can't tell. Oh wait - Ellen likes it? Good. I'm allowed to like it. It's nice to hear something---hold up. Michelle. Who is that "friend" that you have allowed to sit in the audience wearing that hat? No. Noooooo. I have now forgotten your performance.

Didi Benami "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson: Yes. I liked you during Hollywood week with the "Terrified" performance. (Although not as much as love my McPheever. But I digress.) This is a stupid song. But Simon is spot on (shut up Kara). Don't sing a song by an artist that sounds just like you. Try something new.

Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak: Look, chick with really weird name which should be spelled in a manner that is closer to the way it is pronounced, your flower and nosering aren't the most annoying things about you. No. The most annoying thing about you is that you've taken a previously awesome song and ruined it with your attempt at sultry alto vocals. (The backup singers didn't help you either.)

Ginger Vitis (Crystal Bowersox) "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette: Yeeeees. Sure, you could maybe rely less on the fact that there's a harp attached to your neck. But I liked this. You know I love me some Alanis. And you're the first contestant I remember singing one of her songs. Thank you for the welcome respite from the Beatles.

But let's talk. Your face is Taylor Swift. Your chin piercing is hipster. Your dreds are hippie. Your guitar is country. I. Do. Not. Know. What's. Going. On. With. You. Figure it out.

(Blair Waldorf) Katie Stevens "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone/Michael Buble: Remember a few seasons ago when A.J. Tabaldo/Leslie Hunt sang this in Season 6? And remember when Ryan said it was by Nina Simone? Blair, you started this off nicely. And then the wheels kind of fell off. But I think you're good. I'm going to reserve some judgment for you.

SIDEBAR #6: First "chops" sighting from Kara. We almost made it one week. Oh well.

So let's sum up. Not stellar. I'm pretty sure Ryan shouldn't have started the show that way. And maybe the judges shouldn't have said things like "This is the most talented group we've ever had" (you know, like they do every year). But this bottle of wine helped. Let's see if tomorrow night can't be a bit better, ok?

BOTTOM TWO: Tropical Meth Barbie 2.0 & Naomi. That second one is a longshot. Her looks might carry her through. Tough call.

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Project Runway: Four Episodes At Once

Oh children. I've toyed with you and dangled the proverbial carrot in front of your faces by making promises that I can't keep. Sadly, I don't like carrots - they taste like dirt. I like wine. So tonight, while drinking the better part of the four bottles of Vinho Verde I just purchased from the Trader Joe's, we're going to catch up with Project Runway.

POTATO SACK CHALLENGE - Yeah. I watched this, and I took copious notes. Unfortunately I can't actually read those notes. I somehow blame the legal pad for messing up my writing. Or maybe my pen. Or the fact that every single season casts the same archetypes:

Small Man in Fauxhawk: Jay/Jesus
Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain: Seth Aaron/Jonathan
Sassy Black Man (One older and wiser, one younger and more flamboyant): Emilio/Anthony
Crazy Foreigners: Ping/Ben (To be fair, Ben isn't actually of another people, but he wears far too many sleeveless shirts and scarfs to not be at least German. Seriously, I bet he wears black socks with shirts and workboots.)
Questionably Straight Eye Candy Who Often Wears Floppy Knit Hats: Jesse
Waiflike Pixie Who May Or May Not Be Moderately Homely and Probably Shops Predominantly at a Thrift Store: Anna Marie/Janeane/Amy (to be fair, none of these ladies are at all homely, hence the "may or may not be")
Non-Twenties Woman Who Likes "Vintage" Things: Mila/Pamela

Yeah, so I can't be blamed for not really paying attention. Let's get down to the top eight or something. That's said, let's dive in.

SIDEBAR #1: If I wasn't watching this three weeks late, I would be really excited to watch that Poppy Montgomery movie. Oh well.

MET MUSEUM FASHION ICONS CHALLENGE - Apparently this is the Ping show. The show where she is clearly going to suck the most and not get voted off.

I wish I could talk wisely about fashion. Because I think most of these things are just weird. But what I can do is talk drunkenly about fashion. And what I think is that most of these things are just weird.

Oh wait.

Actually, I always judge the designers by their own personal fashion. Do I like Jesse? Yes. Am I annoyed by his American Apparel Deep V-Neck paired with a velvet blazer and slicked back hair? Yes. Am I annoyed by anyone wearing an unnecessary douchescarf (that's two of you in the top four)? Yes. How am I supposed to let you design clothes for someone else, when you can't even figure out what you're wearing yourself? Shame. Shaaaaaame.

Oh fake out. While I was complaining about all the nonsense on the runway, they fooled me into complacency and then voted out Ping. I wish I could say I was sorry, but she is crazyland. Well, at least she lasted longer than theat tessellations chick from last season.

Let's move on.

SIDEBAR #2: Wait, didn't I just pour a fresh glass? How is it empty already?

CAMPBELL'S RED DRESS CHALLENGE - Oh good. An hour where I continue to hear the phrase "an amazing woman." If I wanted to do that, I would sit here and listen to the Mix's stupid Breast Cancer Three Day Walk commercials. You know, it's three days of really living.

That was bitter. But come on. Spend a little less money on marketing and a little more money on finding a cure. I'm just saying.

Anna Marie: Printmaking? You are my new favorite designer. Don't let me down.

Fine. My heart is full. I love watching real ladies wear fancy clothes. Models are used to this sh*t, but these women deserve to feel awesome.

SIDEBAR #3: I'm still not giving any money to the Breast Cancer Three Day.

Hold on. Giant bucket of water? Why is there a giant bucket of water in the workroom? Why is it near any of the cutting tables? Why are you near it with your undry-able fabric, Janeane? Stupid.

SIDEBAR #4: Jill Scott has turned into quite the little actress, hasn't she? The thing about Lifetime over Bravo is that we get more interesting promos.

Did you really just use the word "cooter"?

SIDEBAR #5: I'm on my second bottle of the night. I officially apologize for anything untoward.

SIDEBAR #6: No, I don't.

Seth Aaron: I cannot abide by your short-sleeved plaid, bowtie and suspenders ensemble. There's hipster, and then there's hipster. And although I kind of enjoy your star tats, you, my friend, are something else entirely.

Ugh. What's with all the bowties on the designers? Are they in now? I refuse to learn how to tie those things. I don't care what you say. Ben: Sleeveless and bowtie? You have blown my mind.

Oh. Did you expect me to design the actual dresses? No. Because when all I can hear is Michael Kors' simpering "Hey guys" with every word he says, it's difficult to have an opinion about a neckline. Basically, I'm going with everything that Nina likes.

Amy: "It feels really good to finally win a challenge." Wait. Isn't this like episode three? Have some patience. Nice dress, I suppose.

Jesus: Don't be shocked. I guarantee that your scarf made Nina angry. Accept it. That dress was trashy.

HEIDI MARIE CLAIRE COVER CHALLENGE: You know I love me some Heidi. From the "Hello" to the "I'll see you on the runway" to the "Auf Wiedersehen," I will do whatever she wants. Any time.

Ben: Enough. Enough with the sleeveless and douchescarf combo. Just stop. I can't face it anymore. Oh god. And I didn't see the colorblock tank. That's...just..."cheapen"?..."joke"?...yes, Tim. You are very very wise.

Tim's "Really?" just said it all for this episode.

Somehow, I'm able to ignore all of Jay's sleeveless/scarf combos. Maybe it's the fauxhawk.

*GASP* Jesse's Newsies inspired look with pocket square (and full disclosure, I've never seen the movie) finally works. And totally makes up for last week's disaster.

SIDEBAR #7: Yes, I really gasped just then.

OK, completely ignoring fashion (as I do), was this episode filmed before the Marie Claire issue is released? Is it coming -

Wait - did he just say "romper?"

- out next month? Like in a week? I shouldn't really question this, should I?

Oooooohhhhhhhhhh wait. I didn't see the knee length shorts, Jesse. No. Thumbs down.

SIDEBAR #8: Ok, let's talk about Heidi. Her "no" in response to "sweet" made me love her even more. Heidi. HEIDI. Can it get better than this? HEIDI. Heidi says strength. Heidi says awesome. Heidi says "Auf Wiedersehen." Maybe you should listen to her opinion.

Emilio: Dude, you just let them redesign your look on the runway. Do you realize how lucky you are?

Ugh. Is stupid tank/docuhe going to win this challenge?

SIDEBAR #9: Who else loves the way that Heidi says "Mary Claire"?

Oh sad. I really kind of liked Anna. I'll miss her. And Anthony? I would like you a lot better if I thought you were talking in your real voice, as opposed to some sort of weird anticipated stereotypical gay voice. The bow ties are plenty. Talk like a human being.

PREVIEWS: Jesse. No. Put the scarf down. Now. Stoppit. Stop pissing me off. you were high on my list until this moment.

FOR THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE: "Little group." Oh Heidi. You're so precious.

Ben: Come on. With the tanks? And the idiocy? Just. Stop. Stoppit. I can't handle this any more. Just wear something with sleeves. Please. PLEEEEASE.

Jonathan: Yes. I understand where you are coming from. Children are small. And kind of creepy. But if you train them well, they will shake a mean martini. And your fear of children paired with your spot-on impersonation of Michael Kors has put you on top of my list. You know, since no current designers have studied printmaking.

SIDEBAR #11: Yes, I'm still bitter about Anna's outster. Yeah, that vest was stupid, but come on. Printmaking! I bet she gets angry about Monotype Corsiva. And Comic Sans. Don't get me started on Comic Sans.

SIDEBAR #12: Did someone just say the word "romper" again? What is wrong with the world?

Ok, I stopped watching for a while, because, you know...children. No one wants to see that. And then Epperson (Emilio) got all "Oh, I'm panicked, but I'm not going to show it." Whatever.

"Do y'all have an off switch?" You know better than to ask something like that. They will come back to you again...and again...and again...and again. Damn kids.

Runway: Well...it's like walking down Southport on a Tuesday at happy hour. You know, when the yuppie moms are looking for overpriced shirts for their husbands at Shane or something comparable. The thing is - you know they're about to walk into Justin's (with their small child) for a Blue Moon and a shot of Jack. And probably an anonymous blowjob in the bathroom. But you know, that's SoPo.

Heidi: "I think it's hideous." Oh Heidi. I love you. And I don't understand half of the things you wear (or say), but I believe you when you say something is bad.

SIDEBAR #13: Fine. I've had three bottles of wine. What? It's a Thursday night. What else am I supposed to do? Don't judge.

Waaaaaait. "I'm not sure that blue and orange are that complimentary." No. You're a designer. You cannot take things that I learned in second grade and just turn them upside down. Next you're going to tell me that yellow and purple don't go together. And then I'm going to have to rethink my work outfit for tomorrow.

JUDGMENT: There are FAR too many douchescarfs on this show. I will not give up...but I resolve to never be sober while watching this season. Otherwise, I will throw something large at my TV, thus ensuring that I won't be able to watch Idol. And that's not something I can stand behind.

PREVIEW: "There are only ten of you left." And yet, I'm going to spend a majority of my time (and three days of drinking each week) on Idol. You'd better be compelling. Otherwise, you are destined to be paraphrased in approximately three posts. Drunk or not, you probably deserve better.

Or maybe not. We'll see.

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Project Runway: Well, It's Better Than Last Season

It might be the bottle of cabernet that I consumed before sitting down to watch, but I found myself constantly saying either "Whaaaaat?" or "Noooooooo" throughout the premiere of Project Runway 7. I just don't, and probably never will get fashion.

But that doesn't mean I won't judge the people who try to create it. And as long as Idol doesn't take up too much of my time, this may be a nice Thursday night respite from the singing. Don't fear, children. I won't leave you hanging after one episode like I did last year.

But I can't promise that I have much to say about half of these disasters. As always, if you have a good nickname suggestion, leave it in the comments. Designers are in the order they were introduced:

NeckStar (Seth Aaron): OK, I support people with two names. But they need to be names that go together. Be Seth or be Aaron. Or, let's be honest, be Blaine or Chip something else ironic/hipster/yuppie, because I do not believe that your look is genuine. Maybe it was the sparkly scarf under your red blazer. Maybe it was the contrived bandana that you appear to wear all the time (stupid previews). Or maybe it's the fact that I've seen your design before: you know, when Jeffrey Sebelia did a whole season of it. This is not starting off well.

Janis (Janeane): It may be a bit of a reach, but I can't bear the idea of calling you Crybaby this whole season. And by "this whole season" I mean "for the next four weeks" because that's how long I give you unless you shape up. We're literally two minutes in. Stop with the waterworks.

SIDEBAR #1: OK, you all just got a letter from Heidi inviting you to the roof for champagne. Why are you A) surprised about this and B) screaming? Is this Top Model?

SIDEBAR #2: I love that Heidi is "a little pregnant."

Ping Pong (Thanks for that, Anthony): Sigh. Why does Chicago always seem to produce the biggest freaks? It makes me feel bad about myself. But not as bad as that model had to feel. Especially after she completed that step-ball-change at the end of the runway. I'm not going to dwell on this Top 3 nonsense. Nicole Richie is wearing a tie-dyed dress - I don't care if this was her favorite look - she clearly shops in the Retro on Roscoe street booths. And not in a good way.

Ben (The comic book guy): I'm pretty sure you were just wearing a vest at the runway. That's not good news. I suggest you find some sort of shirt to wear in the future. Remember the Tiki Barber challenge? Nina does not like men who forgoe shirts in inappropriate settings.

Black, Gay & Ghetto (Anthony): OK, I will try to like you, if for no other reason than your response of "And I'm thirsty" to the weight conversation. But the one thing I don't understand (Well, if we count the gold tux shirt, orange socks, orange pants and your inane need to talk on the runway, there are at least five things I don't understand. But I digress.) is why you decided to quench that thirst with water? Interesting.

SIDEBAR #3: That model next to BGG is scarily Amazon. Seriously, I'm worried that she might try to eat him.

Specialty (Jay): There's a great sandwich place on Lake and Franklin called Specialty's. They also make really good cookies. That's all I could think about, because every time you said "specialty," I did not believe that you were referring to that dress. No one likes the seam. TIM doesn't like the seam. Take out the seam. Why don't they ever learn? Wait. Am I talking about the right designer?

Glass Ceiling (Pamela): It seems like we have one of these every year. You know, someone who was slaving away in the corporate world and reached "the top position" (that they wanted - sure) and then decided that they needed "a new challenge." Here's what that says to me: "My trust fund is too large and I slept with my boss, so I got fired. Since I don't need to actually work for a living, maybe I'll try fashion! It's a challenge!" OK.

SIDEBAR #4: It doesn't show that you're happy. It shows that you're less than adequate with an iron.

Ed Grimley (Jonathan): As one who has used paint to make costumes different colors, I support you. But don't piss me off.

Jack Sparrow (Jesse): If this were Bravo, Andy Cohen would have already shown six clips of you with your shirt off. Way to drop the ball, Lifetime. Television for Women, my ass.

Anna Marie: Eh.

SIDEBAR #5: Actually, there seem to be a lot of Amazons in the Model camp this year. No, I will not be watching Models of the Runway. I do have some standards.

Bangs Sr. (Mila): Weren't you here designing vintage cocktail dresses last season?

Bangs Jr. (Maya): And you too?

Colors of the Wind (Christiane): I have heard the wolf cry for the blue corn moon. Because the moon had the misfortune to be on the red carpet in one of your (two!) creations. You know what makes a really good Runway contestant? Telling us how successful you are and how good you are with textures, layers, colors and dresses. Wait. That sounds like...fashion. Wow. You're good with fashion. Except you're not so much.

Train Wreck (Jesus): Yeah, that's not a train. It's a tail. Hmmm. The wine has clouded my vision. Either that or Jay/Jesus are just too similar in their disaster that I cannot tell them apart. Well, one of you did a poor job with their dress. And the other probably did not do much better. Oh well.

SIDEBAR #6: "Aha!" Heidi, I love you.

Emilio: Although your lisp annoys me, I'll give you that your dress was pretty good. But did it bother anyone else that the pattern didn't match up along the side seam? No? Just me? Stupid fashion.

Amy: Eh.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ok, I'll commit to this season for a few more months. But you'd better leave the runway before I change my mind.

Oh Heidi.

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Top Chef 6: Bland Doesn't Even Begin To Describe

Wow. It is far too late to be awake. But this is what happens when one passes out on a futon at 9pm and then wakes up at midnight. You get a second wind, all ready to harshly judge those with talents you do not possess. On the other hand, you're far more likely to sit at your computer and say the word "possess" over and over, convinced that there should only be three s's. Lack of sleep will do that to you.

Or it could be the triple vodka limeade I just had. Hard to say.

I really hope we start separating the wheat from the chaff soon. Because I'm tired of the boring people taking up space. And as we've seen, if we don't eliminate them now, they might swoop in and win the whole thing. Yeah, Canned Crab, I'm talking to you.

FOB (Ron): Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying. I caught a "Bob Marley" and a "love and peace" somewhere in there, but most of the time I can only focus on your crazy red-orange crocs. Try some diction.

Jamie Lee Walsh (Robin): You're going to have to do something to make me have an opinion about you. Something. Anything. Please. UPDATE: I decided that you vaguely remind me of Carol Potter, the mom from the original 90210, with just a hint (a soupcon, if you will) of hermaphrodite thrown in. Do something interesting and maybe that will change.

Blanched (Preeti): I know. I'm struggling. But not everyone can be named "Lame." And the blanch water was just the beginning of the disaster that was Preeti this week.

OBSERVATION #1 - Everyone who thinks that doing three kinds of potatoes makes you better? A number is not impressive. Just cook food that is good and stop throwing ingredients in there.

Cain (Michael V): I'm going to get tired of the whole "I won one, he won one" thing real fast. Especially if they're going to show the one that didn't win looking all despondent after the fact. But I have to hand it to Cain - cooking bacon is always the way to go. Gail will eat it all day every day, and that's what we want to hear.

Jerz (Michael I): Ha. Way to put yourself into the bottom three. Douche.

Frenchy (Mattin): I love that everyone calls you this - including people who make it impossible to understand 90% of the other words they say.

OBSERVATION #2 - I totally voted to have Gail as my co-pilot, but that's probably because I know she'd have a flask on her. And that's probably why 54% of the voters picked Tom. Come on people, live it up a little.

Veggie (Laurine): Doesn't this always happen? Someone thinks that there has to be a vegetarian dish, and they end up in the bottom three. You know why? VEGETARIAN DISHES ARE LAME. And I don't even care if I offend vegetarians. You food blows. Eat some bacon.

Atlanta Santa (Kevin): Don't get me started on your "BBQ." You know where to find the best BBQ in the South? KC Pit BBQ in Shady Springs, GA. See? The authenticity is right there in the name.

OBSERVATION #3 - Wow, Padma. Nice leopard print. Way to bring it home for your country.

Pierce (Jesse): Well, at least you finally didn't land in the bottom. But I don't think you're long for this world. Maybe take out that thing in your lip. I think it's unlucky.

OBSERVATION #4 - The mini-sodes are lame this season. I can't believe I'm actually wishing for someone to make out on a couch.

Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): You make me tired with all your winning. And your yelling at people to not talk about things other than food. And your painter's tape. At least you didn't win $15K this week.

Hector: Uh...sure.

OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you. (Yes, this is a repeat, but it's still relevant. Gail all the way!)

Fat Kid (Eli): As one who consumed 4 lbs of potato salad this weekend, I support your decision. Even though I have a feeling there was too much vinegar in there, I'll go with it. Because you didn't once call that pork stuff BBQ.

Abel (Bryan V): Don't look so sad when you don't win. Bacon trumps steak any time. Did you think about wrapping the steak in bacon? That's how you bring it home.

Angsty McLesbian (Ashley): What happened to you? Here's what should have happened right at the beginning of elimination: "I find it beyond comprehension that we have to cook for members of the military, when at least three of us (camera flash to Blanch and Ash) are not allowed to be out and proud anywhere in the institution." If you're going to make me dislike you, make it for being stupid and angry and not just stupid. "Everyone likes custard." No. No they do not.

Ash: Nice one with your chilled sweet potato custard. When I said that not everyone likes custard? I didn't mean me. I am all for it. Thank you for always making dessert, even when you don't intend to.

A double elimination would have ruled. And Padma was so riled up this week, I thought it might actually happen. But Gail probably talked her down. The voice of reason. Oh Gail.

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Project Runway: Tessellations, Ponyhawks and LiLo, Oh My

Maybe the freakishly long delay between seasons has made me complacent in my Target/Kohl's uniforms, or maybe it's the fact that there is a harsher glare in LA...but man, it seriously hurts my eyes to see that these people are supposed to be telling the public how to look. Are you kidding me? You clearly can't dress yourselves...why should I listen to you? We're going to need a lot of wine, kids.

I actually started to divide people up into two groups (PEOPLE I LOATHE ALREADY and PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT YET MANAGED TO MAKE ME ANGRY) but the more I thought about it, the more most of the people on the second list catapulted to the first. And we'll start with the worst of the worst:

Samantha Ronson (Ari): I have never been so embarrassed to be from Kansas City. I could go on and on about the idiocy that this chick decided to parade around on national TV (headstands, lack of renderings, a completely incomprehensible collection of tights and nonsense) but I will get too angry and throw my computer out the window. Instead, let's learn from her mistakes:

"A tessellation or tiling of the plane is a collection of plane figures that fills the plane with no overlaps and no gaps. One may also speak of tessellations of the parts of the plane or of other surfaces. Generalizations to higher dimensions are also possible. Tessellations frequently appeared in the art of M. C. Escher. Tessellations are seen throughout art history, from ancient architecture to modern art." (Thanks, Wikipedia.)

There. Now we can just pretend this never happened.

SIDEBAR #1 - Do you think LiLo voted her out, just because of the startling resemblance to her ex? And while we're on the subject, why is LiLo judging the red carpet challenge? How many Oscar ceremonies has she attended?

Althea - Eh. I wrote down a halfhearted "Jewel?", but that's it. We need less people. Or she needs to be less boring.

Woodland Fairy (Carol Hannah) - Again, I'm trying to muster up some emotions, but she really dug her own grave with her "People don't expect me to have, you know, like intelligence, attached..." Wow.

This Is My Now (Christopher) - I can forgive the fact that your renderings look like characters from Daria (I miss that show), but if you keep welling up at the drop of every hat, I will start to hate you. And speaking of, that hat needs to go. And maybe the chinstrap too. And the creepy hoops. Oops. Looks like I'm not forgiving you for anything.

Treneyce (Epperson) - Until you are famous, you need a last name. As such, I will be referring to you by the moniker of another deluded reality contestant until you do something worth noting.

SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else find it strange that they're advertising Top Chef on Lifetime? And that PR had a commercial last night on Bravo? Did they strike some sort of weird partnership after all the fighting?

Eastern Block (Gordana) - I have no idea what is going on here, but if it turns out to be another Uli-esque extravaganza, I'm in.

Kim Kardashian (Irina) - I'm going to pretend you didn't feature your purse-dog in your audition tape. It might as well have been Ray J.

Crybaby (Johnny) - Come on dude, get a grip. I know that editors tend to make things look worse, but if you didn't freaking say the word "addiction" 50 times, they wouldn't have shown it. I think maybe he'd fit in better on Top Chef.

SIDEBAR #3 - I think everyone needs Tim Gunn to give them a hug and a pep talk once in a while. How can we make that happen?

We Get It, You're Straight (Logan) - This Gavin DeGraw wannabe is probably going to wind up being a t-shirt designer for American Apparel, so why are we wasting everyone's time? I know, you don't wanna be anyone other that what you've been trying to be lately, but maybe you should try to be someone else for a while.

Vintage Desmond (Louise) - If she doesn't get voted outsoon, she is quickly going to start to annoy me in a Laura sort of way. And I don't think that's a good thing.

Ponyhawk (Malvin) - Where to begin? OK, first off, Heidi does not like your hair. Yes, she always thinks its interesting to see the designers personal style, because then she and Nina go bet drunk and make fun of everyone. And guess what Pony? You're at the top of the list. Let's peruse some of your other bon mots, shall we? "I think I come across as androgynous." Oh? You're very perceptive. But not so much when it comes to your clothes: "There's not a vocab for them yet." Wait. I can think of some. "Ugly" comes to mind.

MBA (Mitchell) - You should be glad you didn't display that Victorian thing you designed first, because it did not look good. But you dress like a normal human being and I empathize with your plight, so we're good for now.

SIDEBAR #4 - Here's what happened: I had to work in the shop in college while I was in costuming class. (Now I only know how to hem pants and sew on buttons, but that's neither here nor there.) The designer gave me a pattern and some measurements, and I made a blouse. A few weeks later, the actress came in and nothing fit, because she was at least 5 inches bigger than the measurements. The designer got mad, and took the blouse away, and I spent the next two weeks sorting fabric swatches. Two years later, I find out that the actress was pregnant and didn't tell anyone. She had the baby over Christmas break and no one even noticed. Totally not my fault. So I blame MBA's model. Watch out designers - she's probably secretly pregnant.

Feather Prince (Nicholas) - From the moment this douche walked onto the screen with his glasses halfway down his nose, I could tell we weren't going to be friends. I want to slap him across the face for so many reasons, it's not even funny.

Plus Sexy (Qristyl) - Q, you had me until I saw how you spelled your name. But I'm going to hope that you keep trotting ghetto trash down the runway for a long time. And when you're done, there's a great store here called "Sexy Ladies of the Hollywood" that I think you'd be perfect for.

Douchescarf (Ra'mon Lawrence) - Your braids, your scarf, your apostrophe. It's all too much. And one of the Runway staffers (who is obviously from Chicago) must think so too, because even though you say you're from here, every time your name comes up, it saying Minneapolis. See? Our whole city doesn't want to take credit for you.

SIDEBAR #5: Oh Heidi. I love you and your German accent. Thank you for not being able to pronounce "Marie Claire."

Shirin - I'm actually too scared of you and your Farsi tricks to give you any kind of nickname. Plus, you're kind of boring.

And so it begins. I'll get to the all-star episode this weekend.

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Top Chef 6: Too Many Tattoos, Not Enough Drama

Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart? No one is wearing madras. Everyone has tattoos. No one has a fauxhawk. It's almost like they don't care that I am writing and need reasons to give people nicknames.

Jerks.

The fact that I have to keep the Bravo site open while I write to remind me who is who tells me that we have few memorable characters this year. Even the Frenchy hasn't inspired the expected vitriol. And come on...if the foreign chef can't make us mad, who can?

And the fact that there is a tattoo gallery...well, I'm going to leave that alone.

Nicknames only for those who deserve it - but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

FOB (Ron): OK, you pulled the sympathy card way too soon, but I guess it got you out of not having anything resembling a vice. I'll give you a bye week, but your accent is so indecipherable, I'm going to have to start getting riled up at you soon.

Robin: Who? Oh right. The immunity chick. Well don't expect me to write anything if you're going to sit out of a challenge.

Preeti: I'm trying to figure out which adolescent boy she looks like, but I'm drawing a blank. Anyone? I'm also drawing a blank as to why the rest of her team didn't pause when she basically asked if clams and oysters are the same thing. Good job, Le Cordon Bleu.

OBSERVATION #1 - People need to stop pureeing vegetables. Wolfgang is right - it's like baby food. Keep that off my plate.

Cain (Michael V): This brother thing is either going to rule, or it's going to royally suck. And I'm leaning more toward the latter, because there's only so much "Yeah, we're probably going to be pretty competitive, but that just drives us to be better chefs" one can hear before one goes insane.

Jerz (Michael I): I don't know how this dude has not been featured on Hot Chicks With Douchebags already. Maybe he just doesn't surround himself with the right kind of (i.e. trashy) ladies. I'm surprised one of his teammates didn't punch him in the face with all of his incessant cheering during the Quickfire. I was hoping for a fast exit with all of his trashtalk, but the editors let me down. Lame.

Frenchy (Mattin): Seriously, you need to take that bandana off. You're not a cub scout.

OBSERVATION #2 - It's a good thing Gail likes whiskey (and you know she does) because more than 50% of these dishes were flavored with it. Come on chefs, let's be more creative, ok?

Laurine: Who? Oh the donut chick. I like bacon too, so I'll leave you alone.

Kevin: I procrastinate too. But I would not eat this. Ew. Oh, and please leave your shirt on. But at least he didn't...oh wait. He did actually utter the phrase "A Force To Be Reckoned With." Let's get some new reality lingo - and fast.

OBSERVATION #3 - Speaking of, there's pretty much no eye candy for Andy Cohen this year. Maybe he'll bring back Keanu for a challenge to try and get back in the game. But he'd better do it soon, since the previews show a lot of inappropriate disrobing coming up.

Pierce (Jesse): Stop telling people you haven't been trained like everyone else. They'll start to hold it against you and use it as an excuse for why you can't cook. And they should figure that out all on their own.

Dumbo (Jennifer Z): If we couldn't get rid of The Jerz, I'm glad we could lose Dumbo. Why would you put those things in your ears? Someone, please tell me what the hipsters are doing. Why do I assume she's a hipster, you ask? Come on. She thinks seitan is good. Enough said.

OBSERVATION #4 - Great. Looks like it's going to be another season of Top Scallop. Why do people insist on cooking these things?

Glass Ceiling (Jennifer C): Oh good. An angry woman in a man's world. Guess what? I'm not even giving you a full paragraph. You know why? Because you leave the "eh" sound off the end of the word ceviche. And that's obnoxious.

Hector: Don't fry a steak. That's just stupid. As are you assumptions that the judges will actually like it.

OBSERVATION #5 - No Toby sightings yet. Thank god. P.S. Gail, I love you.

Eve: Who?

Fat Kid (Eli): I appreciate honesty. And yours is a good excuse to be a chef. If I didn't think so many foods were creepy, maybe I would have done it too.

Abel (Bryan V): Bryan, I actually want you to win, just to see your brother go nuts on the whole room.

Preeti/Ashley/Ash: You are a shadow of the former Team Rainbow. What's the problem? Can't you be more fun?

Ugh. I'm bored already. That must be why I fell asleep during judges table. Come on kids, shape up.

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The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Annoyed To Find Nothing Significant To Make Fun Of

I suppose the magic couldn't last forever. But I have to admit that at the end of this twist-filled season, we'd get one last shocker.

No such luck. Unless you count a 16-year-old propositioning a man twice her age shocking. And if she weren't giggling like she was trying to ask someone to the Sadie Hawkins dance, it might have been. Instead it was just ... well, cute isn't the word. Still REID!!! managed to play it off nicely.

If anything was shocking it was the way that the man formerly known as Lametown (REID!!!) came off as poised and witty, even in the wake of heartbreak. (I've been waiting to use that phrase for weeks now.) Anyone else really want to know what his fantasy suite question was?

I'm going out of order. That's because I've never hidden my distaste for KPTN and his nonsense. And he didn't disappoint, because that was the most boring ten minutes of my life. So boring that I'm going to ignore the whole thing, you know, aside from the obvious untucked button down/jeans ensemble. (Come on dude, branch out.)

Having REID!!! around clearly made less time for questions, which is probably a good thing. But I'm glad we had time for those last two. Because the only real highlight of this otherwise dull epilogue was Chris telling JHo to pipe down while he grilled Mr. Potato Ed about his heinous green shorts. Oh Chris - I think I'll miss you most of all.

And MPE clearly improved his game, as evidenced by JHo's giddy response to the second question, relating to their boudoir antics. Oh MPE. If you hadn't worn those godforsaken shorts so many times, we never even would have questioned your masculinity. But the fact that JHo is pink with barely contained glee when discussing your relations has assured us that maybe you really were just exhausted and sunburnt before.

SIDEBAR #1 - You know what helps? Covering up a bit more. The lower thigh is very susceptible to sunburn. Try some board shorts - not your apparently new tiny blue madness which makes me visibly cringe whenever I think about it.

And finally, thank you Jillian for closing the night out with "I swore right before getting proposed to? Classy."

Yes. Yes, you are.

And that's it for Bachelorette 5, kids. Tune in August 20th and 21st for recaps of the new seasons of Top Chef and Project Runway. And maybe I'll throw in some Next Food Network or Design Star during the interim. Or maybe I'll just sit back with some sangria. We'll see.

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The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Happy, Then Disappointed and Then Realize That I Am Out of Wine

OK kids, this is it. Are you ready for the big day? Has two weeks of anticipation made it that much more exciting? (Yes, I know the Men Tell All nonsense was on in between, but I am not wasting my time with that trash. I fast forwarded through most of it - there's a reason Jill got rid of these dudes: most of them are douches.)

But now we're down to the final two (three!) and unless we have a green mankini sighting, this episode should rock. Let's get down to business.

7:00 - Previously on...oh great. There are the godforsaken green shorts. Mr. Potato Ed (has anyone else noticed that his head is shaped like a potato? Or a peanut?), you make me crazy.

7:09 - OK, I'm bored.

7:11 - MPE is awfully liberal with his use of "Peg" and "Glen." They're not your in-laws yet, man. Show some respect.

7:13 - Uh oh. Coconut bras + MPE+ Glen = Disaster. (And I'm only halfway into my first glass.) Glen, I expected better from you.

7:18 - "My family is a lot like your family...just like super easy-going..." Wait, what? Let's think back to your at-home visit with Mrs. KPTN. It wasn't so easy going. And she wasn't so nice. Do you really want to compare your mom to that harpy?

7:19 - Stop kissing. Has anyone else noticed that KTPN pushes his head toward Jillian's face at an alarming velocity?

7:20 - Uh, Jillian? You saw your parents yesterday. Do you squeal like that every time you're in the same room, or are you trying to give KPTN the same experience you gave MPE?

7:22 - MPE, your stupid career is going to blow this for you.

7:24 - Interesting. JHo just said having KPTN around her parents was like "having my boyfriend hanging out with my family." But earlier she said that MPE leaving was like "saying goodbye to my fiancee."

7:25 - Oh good god, enough with the kissing.

7:29 - Come on Reid, knock on the door. Where are you?

7:31 - OK, Glen likes MPE (probably because of his willingness to dance in a coconut bra), but Peg likes KPTN. Purely based on physicality, I'm sure.

7:33 - Right before the commercial break - this is a perfect time for a Reid sighting...and another glass.

7:34 - Damn.

7:37 - Oh come on MPE. Another tank top with contrasting trim? Was there a special at Old Navy? I'll let it slide, as long as you don't break out those damn shorts.

7:38 - Surprise. Another helicopter. They must be a major sponsor.

7:42 - Gah! Not the mankini!

7:44 - See what happens, MPE? You make me chug the rest of my wine. Jerk.

7:45 - I've also discovered some rach dressing in the fridge, next to my wine bottle. This will go perfectly with the crackers I am eating for dinner.

7:47 - Shoot. I forgot to record Dating in the Dark. Has anyone seen it? Is it good?

7:50 - Holy 8 pack, KPTN. I think I'd be scared to be sitting on a surfboard and paddling. The canoe I rode in a river last week was scary enough. But I suppose with all those abs controlling the paddle, it's probably ok.

7:53 - Well OK, when you put it like that, KPTN, it seems pretty stupid not to choose you. Hell, I'd probably choose you too, although that could just be because I'm on my third glass of wine in less than an hour. (note - in hindsight, I no longer remember what was actually said - I can't be expected to quote things while drinking - but it was good stuff.)

7:55 - Another editor comparison. When the lights turn out with MPE, we get a shot of molten lava. When the lights go out for KPTN, we get a shot of blue ocean waves. Hmm. What are you trying to tell me? And where is Reid?!

7:59 - Oh JHo - maybe you should have hit the makeup chair before pretending to roll out of bed.

8:00 - Good. I was worried there wouldn't be enough montages.

8:02 - Man those are some ugly rings. But here's a question. Which one went first? Do they both get the same options? What if the first guy who chooses gets the obvious best ring and the second guy is left with duds? And if they get the same choices, what if they both choose the same ring? How does all this work? And how did my glass get empty again so quickly?

8:05 - Ok, we get it. KPTN has a better body than Chicago Doughboy Mr. Potato Ed. We like our food here. And it's cold most of the time, so we're not hitting the ocean every single day like some people.

8:07 - This would be the perfect place for a Reid teaser. I swear, if this is another DeAnna "make the right choice" moment, I am going to be pissed.

8:12 - Seriously?! A no for KPTN? I thought he had this in the bag...

8:18 - OK, that was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad.

8:25 - REID!!!

8:26 - Way to dress up man. Yes, I'm wearing the same outfit (minus the blazer) but I'm sitting in my living room and you're proposing. See the distinction?

8:29 - REID!!!!!

8:30 - Sorry, I got excited. Jillian, don't get my hopes up...

8:32 - No! Don't go think about it! Just do it! Say yes!

8:40 - Shut up Chris. Stop being wise. "Because you know." Whatever.

8:43 - Boooooooooooooo.

8:46 - I can't believe he had to be rejected and take the sad limo to the airport. Twice.

8:48 - Yes Reid, it was too late. But at least you can say that you told her how you feel. That's better than the position you were in last week.

8:49 - "Ed better not f*cking disappoint me." Oh JHo. You make me smile.

8:56 - Wait, is MPE quoting an Air Supply song?

8:57 - Whatever it is, it's making me well up. Or it could be the fact that my wine bottle is empty.

8:58 - OK, it was my second wine bottle that is empty. Don't judge me.

8:59 - And there go JHo's legs, around MPE's waist. You can take the girl out of the country...

9:00 - One last montage. Who is this singing? It would have been awesome if it were Wes's crappy song.

9:01 - And scene. Let me hit the wine store, and I'll see you tomorrow for After the Rose.

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Top Chef 6: Starting Off on the Wrong Foot

In an unprecedented display of poor judgment, Top Chef has announced that Toby Young (last season's lame Simon Cowell-esque attempt at a Gail stand-in) will be returning as one of the judges. (Don't worry, Padma, Gail! and Tom will still be there, too.) I know he says he learned from Tom last season, but I still hope that we'll have a few more withering glances and directed comments from Tom in our future. That's the only thing that is going to make this tolerable. (Premiere - August 19th)
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The Bachelorette: In Which I Realize That Things Are Not Going To Work Out the Way I Want Them To, Giving Me a Case of Writer's Block

Here's the problem. The excessive amounts of wine, combined with a week's worth of speculation and theorizing, make Monday nights both a cathartic and stressful experience. I swear, all I've dreamed about this week was Jillian and her three ring circus, much like the monotonous dreams I have when I've played too much Minesweeper.

Maybe that's because these dates are going just how we thought they would (with a few exceptions).

KPTN: Cargo shorts, t-shirt, white shoes. The Bachelorette - clearly sponsored by J. Crew and Nike. And so we begin the third date where Jillian puts on a harness and hangs from a rope, and the second date in a row where KPTN's package is highlighted. Although it was fairly amusing watching KPTN fall all over himself on the rope challenges, things took a really annoying turn during the Leap of Faith scene.

SIDEBAR #1: Is that really what it's called, or did the highly skilled writers see an opportunity for metaphor?

When the inevitable make-out session begins, all I can look at are KPTN's shoes. Man, those things are white. And I can't help but wonder if they're more comfortable than my own Nike Shox. And why they weren't more helpful on the tightrope, because there is a noticeable groove on the sole. And then the sun sets, leaving me to wonder if things are already finished.

Nope. It's time to break out the untucked shirt (Hawaiian style!) for dinner. Wait. Is he wearing flops to dinner? Flop flop flop. Yup. That's a really attractive sound. That's it, KPTN, you've officially made me angry. So much that I'm going to ignore your entire dinner, while I go open another bottle of wine.

And then the card from Chris magically appears (from under a napkin!) inviting KPTN and JHo to the fantasy suite. And they take it. And just when I think that all the package foreshadowing might give me the outcome I've been praying for, we cut to commercial.

Lame.

Speaking of...LAMETOWN: OK Player, you've really grown on me in the past couple of weeks. Don't let me down. The wardrobe department certainly doesn't, because you're wearing the prerequisite cargo shorts, t-shirt and white shoes, although instead of athletic KPTN shoes, Lametown goes for the more understated canvas variety. (Lest you think I'm judging, I'm wearing the exact same outfit at the moment. But I'm pretty sure none of the clothes on this show came from Kohl's.)

I digress. I don't see any special event for this date. What are they going to do? "Make out," proclaims LT. Right. Sorry man, here comes the helicopter.

SIDEBAR #2: What is with Jillian and the helicopters? Wasn't she in one with Jason last season? This has to be at least the fourth one this year. Don't even get me started on the ordained pilot.

Let's point out that post-date/pre-dinner makeout time does not last into the sunset like it did with KPTN. This does not bode well. Neither does the untucked island shirt. Come on wardrobe - mix it up in the evenings! (I'm going to regret saying that later.)

OK, here's what I have to say to LT: Stop telling the cameras that you love her. Don't you realize that she's waiting for you to say it to her? Or even something close to it? Stop your hemming and hawing with every single question. And if you say that it's hard for you to talk about your feelings one more time, I'm going to put on a periwinkle jacket with an aqua shirt. That's how much it annoys me.

And then the overnight card. I sit, holding my breath, praying that we don't see the upcoming "it happens to every guy" scene. No - just a (naked?) bathtub scene where LT gets bubbles in his wine. Oh LT.

SIDEBAR #3: Why can't I come up with a better name for Ed? I blame the three weeks that he was missing. That's prime mocking time. Now it's too close to the end to really get my creative juices going. (And by "juices" I mean "mixers". I don't like to drink vodka on the rocks in the summer.)

CHICAGO ED: OK, I see the cargo shorts, but what is with the Old Navy contrast trim tank top? And the flops? Where are the athletic shoes? I know you're going to be on a boat and everything, but come on.

Hold the phone. What is going on here? What are those green shorts? Is the second part of this date at a circuit party in Boystown? No one that tall should be wearing shorts that short. (Fast foward to the credits clip - mankini? No. Bad. Stoppit.)

But let's look at the rest of the Ed facts.

1. Ed flew his parents in. That's more than Melissa did last season. (A phone call? Yeah, that's sufficient.)

2. Ed's parents are adorably midwestern. Love it. ("What the hell are we doing here, Ed?")

3. In addition to rocking the capris, Ed's mom is nothing but nice. That's more than we can say for KPTN's mom.

4. Ed's dad welled up when he was talking to JHo. And he probably doesn't know anything about hottubs. That's more than we can say for KPTN's dad.

5. Ed is still wearing those stupid shorts, and his parents have not said anything about them. At least not on camera. You can't get nicer than that.

6. Ed is really laying it all out on the line. And I'm not talking about the shorts.

SIDEBAR #5: I can't get beyond those things. Please wardrobe - fix it.

THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: At first, I was confused. JHo says "we're both exhausted" and it looks like Ed just fell asleep. Let's rewind and watch again. Yes. It's clear that "nothing" happened. But I don't know why I don't feel the joy I was hoping for. Maybe because I really wanted it to be KPTN. (What's sad about this moment is that the best part was the lights turning off, the romantic shots of ocean and trees and then as the thunder claps, the lights flip back on.) I somehow feel cheated. But probably not as much as Jillian does.

RECAP WITH CHRIS: And just in case I thought it was all about sleep, now things are crystal clear. I love how many delicate prime-time network ways there are to say "couldn't get it up."

But what is that? It's the L Word in a video letter. Way to pony up, Ed. After some more non-committal nonsense from KPTN and more hemming and hawing from LT, you now look like the only real deal - except you may need a prescription for Viagra. What is Jillian to do?!

ROSE CEREMONY: Well, if were based purely on wardrobe, Jillian should cut him loose. And fast.

SIDEBAR #6: Dear Stylist, I'm sorry for the the harsh words earlier. If you promise to get KPTN a suit that fits and if you promise NEVER TO PUT ED (OR ANYONE ELSE) IN AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I will forgive you. And I will give you the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the season. And maybe next season too. Warm regards, Me.

I sit, hopeful...and then my hopes are dashed. First rose to KPTN? Really? Ugh. It was the stupid Leap of Faith that did it, wasn't it?

Well now we know how it's going to go...Jillian wouldn't really send someone home because he couldn't perform in bed, right? Even though he's wearing a suit that's not fit for a barbershop quartet? Sigh.

I'll miss you, LT. I really thought you had a fighting chance.

NEXT WEEK: I can't decide if this is going to be really, really good...or really, really bad. I usually fast forward through the recap shows, but I'm going to give it a chance. And maybe even finish the recap in a timely fashion.

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