It's true. Last week was so freaking boring that I sat down to watch it no fewer than seven times. And every time I FELL ASLEEP. Note to the producers: Jillian rolling around in the snow and saying "aboat" every ten seconds does not a good episode make.
But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Simultaneously Loathe Myself For Watching and Love Tivo For Letting Me Watch a Day Late
Seriously, every time I hear the words "Previously on The Bachelorette" I die a little bit inside. Do you know how much quality television is saved on my Tivo? And yet, I choose to spend two hours with this drivel. But then Chris Harrison promises something shocking (all it takes is a montage of fun, followed by an ominous "Then...") and I'm hooked again. Damn you, Bachelorette. Damn you for making me care.
1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Strongly Consider Liposuction and/or a Chin Implant
Wow, nothing makes me feel quite as short and round as watching a bunch of dudes parading around with their shirts off. But then they start to bust out the flops and the stocking caps (It's summer. In LA. Come on.) and I start to direct my anger elsewhere.
One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Idol Finale - Live!
I'm watching this on a bit of delay for several reasons - A) I was out shopping; B) I needed to order some dinner; and C) My wine wasn't chilled yet. But don't worry, I've poured myself a nice big glass - let the madness begin!
7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Idol Final 2: Live!
Welcome to tonight's live finale blog! (Although I have to admit that I'm already a little annoyed that I don't have a laptop or a tv in the same room as my computer. This running back and forth makes my drink slosh, and that's not cool. Plus, my cat is really confused.) Anyway. Here we go!
7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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Friday, May 15, 2009
Idol Top 3: In Which My Hopes Are Lifted Even Higher
Although this doesn't make up for the premature ouster of Charo, I'll take it. Just knowing that the last time I have to hear that dude sing his inevitable inspirational song is in the finale makes me forgive you, America. Almost.
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Idol Top 3: It's Too Late To Apologize
Yeah, so sometimes I get home at 2am. And sometimes I don't watch Idol until the day after it airs. And you know what? The harsh glare of DWD is even worse daylight hours than I could have imagined. And the judges? Completely useless. So in the interest of making something out of my day, I decided to fast forward through all the drivel.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
Continue Reading
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
Continue Reading
Friday, May 8, 2009
Idol Top 4 Results: In Which It Takes Me a Full Day To Come To Terms
Enough of this random order stuff. You just don't want the people to know that your bottom two also includes The Chosen One. And eliminating Charo over DWDJr? Boo. Bad form, America.
GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
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GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
Continue Reading
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Idol Top 4: You Shook Me All Night Long
OK, here's the thing. For me, for you, you know, it was all right. Yeah, they can sing, but I don't know man, I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe it was the arrangement, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I think - it was ok, it just, for me, wasn't great. Thanks for the words, Randy.
WickedRaverSiriano - "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin - Sigh. This came as no surprise. I wasn't even surprised by the freakishly low cut of that shirt. How else was he going to show off all those accessories? (If this music thing doesn't pan out, he could totally be a spokesperson for Claire's.) That's right, producers, I don't care if you begin and end the show with this nonsense - I am not a fan. And I never will be. Suck it.
OBSERVATION #1: Kara totally went to the stylist today and asked for a rock chick haircut. And a leather jacket. Yeah, like that's all it's going to take to get WRS to love you, open mouth or not.
Charo - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin - I recall singing this song at the top of my lungs in the sound design lab in college with my friend Mariah. I don't know that we felt any angst at that point, but it's fun. This, on the other hand, was actually music and probably did not make people knock on her door telling her to shut up while they listened to a Brahms concerto. Yes, another song would have given her more opportunities to show her range, but mad props (not "prop" Kara) for knowing that Piece of My Heart has been done to death on this show. Finally someone is paying attention!
MatthewsMayerMraz and Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Renegade" by Styx - Good song. Even better harmonies. (No love for the backup singer that could actually sing - and sang the highest part? Harsh.) It was fun to see the contestants duet before the finale, but methinks this is just another way for the producers to pimp WRS.
OBSERVATION #2: Ok, let's talk rock fashion. Does anyone seem out of his element here? Even MMM busted out of his Plaid Shirt/Chuck Taylors look for a leather jackets and some boots. But not DWD. No. Simply untucking a billowy silk shirt does not make it rock - it just makes it look like something Jaleesa would have worn on A Different World. Add a chunky necklace and...oh wait.
MMM - "Come Together" by The Beatles - True Confessions time. I hate the Beatles. (Actually, I confessed that last season too, with the double Beatles week massacre.) It's true. I don't like their music or their wacky Liverpoolian charm. That said, I enjoyed this performance - mostly because MMM decided NOT TO SCREAM. God. Does everyone think you have to scream to make it rock?
DWDJr - "Dream On" by Aerosmith - Dude, don't you remember Biceps From Down Under's performance of this last season? Don't you remember how he got eliminated that week? Did you really think that emitting a wail not unlike that of a banshee was the right direction to go? And why are you wearing a pinstripe vest? Why did you try and get the band to give you more? Why could you not make it back to the mic in time to deliver that fist punch to the air at the end of the song? I would ask more why questions, but I'm wondering more about the "how?" As in How did you glasses not shatter during that last "note"?
OBSERVATION #3 - I guess we know what made the Idol set break down.
WRS and Charo "Slow Ride" by Foghat - Sure, this was moderately entertaining. And it was nice to watch Charo having some fun. But the harmonies were laaaaaame compared to the other duet. Besides I was too busy making fun of WSR's Beetlejuice pants (thanks Eric) to really enjoy the song.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people.
WILL GO: All the polls I'm reading say it's DWD's time, so I'm going with that. Mostly because I don't want to believe that MMM's time is through.
TONIGHT: Daughtry performing their new single. And a pre-taped performance by Paula of her new song "I’m Just Here for the Music"! This has to be the best news of the day. I forsee disaster. Beautiful disaster, if you will.
OTHER IDOL NEWS: Elliott Yamin's new album dropped yesterday. (Why do I always think of Macy Gray when I think about cd releases? Anyone else remember that?) The big question is - why haven't they brought him back to perform this year? He's way better than Pickler and Hicks. Put together. And where's Jordin been?
Kelly reportedly has a track on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now - very My December-y. It's ok. Not magical by any means, but I'll take any Kelly I can get.
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WickedRaverSiriano - "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin - Sigh. This came as no surprise. I wasn't even surprised by the freakishly low cut of that shirt. How else was he going to show off all those accessories? (If this music thing doesn't pan out, he could totally be a spokesperson for Claire's.) That's right, producers, I don't care if you begin and end the show with this nonsense - I am not a fan. And I never will be. Suck it.
OBSERVATION #1: Kara totally went to the stylist today and asked for a rock chick haircut. And a leather jacket. Yeah, like that's all it's going to take to get WRS to love you, open mouth or not.
Charo - "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin - I recall singing this song at the top of my lungs in the sound design lab in college with my friend Mariah. I don't know that we felt any angst at that point, but it's fun. This, on the other hand, was actually music and probably did not make people knock on her door telling her to shut up while they listened to a Brahms concerto. Yes, another song would have given her more opportunities to show her range, but mad props (not "prop" Kara) for knowing that Piece of My Heart has been done to death on this show. Finally someone is paying attention!
MatthewsMayerMraz and Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Renegade" by Styx - Good song. Even better harmonies. (No love for the backup singer that could actually sing - and sang the highest part? Harsh.) It was fun to see the contestants duet before the finale, but methinks this is just another way for the producers to pimp WRS.
OBSERVATION #2: Ok, let's talk rock fashion. Does anyone seem out of his element here? Even MMM busted out of his Plaid Shirt/Chuck Taylors look for a leather jackets and some boots. But not DWD. No. Simply untucking a billowy silk shirt does not make it rock - it just makes it look like something Jaleesa would have worn on A Different World. Add a chunky necklace and...oh wait.
MMM - "Come Together" by The Beatles - True Confessions time. I hate the Beatles. (Actually, I confessed that last season too, with the double Beatles week massacre.) It's true. I don't like their music or their wacky Liverpoolian charm. That said, I enjoyed this performance - mostly because MMM decided NOT TO SCREAM. God. Does everyone think you have to scream to make it rock?
DWDJr - "Dream On" by Aerosmith - Dude, don't you remember Biceps From Down Under's performance of this last season? Don't you remember how he got eliminated that week? Did you really think that emitting a wail not unlike that of a banshee was the right direction to go? And why are you wearing a pinstripe vest? Why did you try and get the band to give you more? Why could you not make it back to the mic in time to deliver that fist punch to the air at the end of the song? I would ask more why questions, but I'm wondering more about the "how?" As in How did you glasses not shatter during that last "note"?
OBSERVATION #3 - I guess we know what made the Idol set break down.
WRS and Charo "Slow Ride" by Foghat - Sure, this was moderately entertaining. And it was nice to watch Charo having some fun. But the harmonies were laaaaaame compared to the other duet. Besides I was too busy making fun of WSR's Beetlejuice pants (thanks Eric) to really enjoy the song.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people.
WILL GO: All the polls I'm reading say it's DWD's time, so I'm going with that. Mostly because I don't want to believe that MMM's time is through.
TONIGHT: Daughtry performing their new single. And a pre-taped performance by Paula of her new song "I’m Just Here for the Music"! This has to be the best news of the day. I forsee disaster. Beautiful disaster, if you will.
OTHER IDOL NEWS: Elliott Yamin's new album dropped yesterday. (Why do I always think of Macy Gray when I think about cd releases? Anyone else remember that?) The big question is - why haven't they brought him back to perform this year? He's way better than Pickler and Hicks. Put together. And where's Jordin been?
Kelly reportedly has a track on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. I'm listening to it right now - very My December-y. It's ok. Not magical by any means, but I'll take any Kelly I can get.
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Thursday, April 30, 2009
Idol Top 5 Results: In Which I Feel Vindicated
Exhausted from a marathon rehearsal, I was going to speed through the episode and go to bed. But then the beauty of the bottom three gave me so much joy that I got a second burst of energy around 1am. Thank you, America. You've made me very happy.
GROUP SONG: If Dueling Fedoras (and rosary?) had sung like this on Tuesday, he might have stuck around.
OBSERVATION #1: Did anyone else see the strange spotlight illuminating the corner of the band shell when Ryan was talking about winning a commemorative Idol Ford? I was hoping they would also raffle off a commemorative Idol upright bass, but then the lighting guy clearly got yelled at over his headset. Oh Keiren.
JUDGMENT: Wicked looked surprisingly subdued tonight, especially compared to everyone else (except MMM - does that dude own anything that isn't plaid?). Foreshadowing? Perhaps.
OBSERVATION#2: Ha! That was the best two group fakeout ever. Wicked clearly assumed that he was in first place, his "based on last night" caveat was even more beautiful - once Seacrest made the move. I frankly enjoyed watching the judges all shake their heads in disbelief. America didn't get it wrong kids...they've finally stopped listening to your nonsense.
CAMEOS: Natalie Cole: I'm not sure what that dress was. And I'm not sure if the end of the song was supposed to be on one pitch, or the several that you chose to treat us to. But you're a classy lady and infinitely better than what we saw last week. Plus, your obvious excitement to be on the Idol stage made me love you.
OBSERVATION #3: Bottom Two! Yes, I know that both Ruben and Fantasia spent some time in the bottom two (none of the other winners did, though), but this was still an indication that we might not have a Wicked victory. And that's the best news I've heard all day.
Hicks: Props for not punching Seacrest in the face when he decided that "you've lost some weight" was an appropriate greeting. Jerk. As for the song...it was typical Hicks-ian tomfoolery. (I miss you McPheever!) But it was still waaaaay better than -
Foxx: I had to fast forward through the second half of this craziness - but I held out as long as I could. Seriously? Autotune for THE ENTIRE SONG?! If I wanted to hear that, I would bust out some T-Pain. All your gyrating did not convince me that you might have love for a stripper.
RESULTS: Good job, America. I'll miss Fedoras, but the humble pie you served up tonight made it worth it. DWD in the Top Two? Maybe not so much. But I cheered anyway.
NEXT WEEK: Rock! with Slash (awesome), Daughtry (ok) and No Doubt (lame - unless Gwen decides to unleash some judgment a la Sanjaya). Allison is totally going to be in her wheelhouse for this one. And isn't about time to start singing two songs per contestant?
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GROUP SONG: If Dueling Fedoras (and rosary?) had sung like this on Tuesday, he might have stuck around.
OBSERVATION #1: Did anyone else see the strange spotlight illuminating the corner of the band shell when Ryan was talking about winning a commemorative Idol Ford? I was hoping they would also raffle off a commemorative Idol upright bass, but then the lighting guy clearly got yelled at over his headset. Oh Keiren.
JUDGMENT: Wicked looked surprisingly subdued tonight, especially compared to everyone else (except MMM - does that dude own anything that isn't plaid?). Foreshadowing? Perhaps.
OBSERVATION#2: Ha! That was the best two group fakeout ever. Wicked clearly assumed that he was in first place, his "based on last night" caveat was even more beautiful - once Seacrest made the move. I frankly enjoyed watching the judges all shake their heads in disbelief. America didn't get it wrong kids...they've finally stopped listening to your nonsense.
CAMEOS: Natalie Cole: I'm not sure what that dress was. And I'm not sure if the end of the song was supposed to be on one pitch, or the several that you chose to treat us to. But you're a classy lady and infinitely better than what we saw last week. Plus, your obvious excitement to be on the Idol stage made me love you.
OBSERVATION #3: Bottom Two! Yes, I know that both Ruben and Fantasia spent some time in the bottom two (none of the other winners did, though), but this was still an indication that we might not have a Wicked victory. And that's the best news I've heard all day.
Hicks: Props for not punching Seacrest in the face when he decided that "you've lost some weight" was an appropriate greeting. Jerk. As for the song...it was typical Hicks-ian tomfoolery. (I miss you McPheever!) But it was still waaaaay better than -
Foxx: I had to fast forward through the second half of this craziness - but I held out as long as I could. Seriously? Autotune for THE ENTIRE SONG?! If I wanted to hear that, I would bust out some T-Pain. All your gyrating did not convince me that you might have love for a stripper.
RESULTS: Good job, America. I'll miss Fedoras, but the humble pie you served up tonight made it worth it. DWD in the Top Two? Maybe not so much. But I cheered anyway.
NEXT WEEK: Rock! with Slash (awesome), Daughtry (ok) and No Doubt (lame - unless Gwen decides to unleash some judgment a la Sanjaya). Allison is totally going to be in her wheelhouse for this one. And isn't about time to start singing two songs per contestant?
Continue Reading
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