Top Chef All Stars: Episode #3 - Not Half Bad. Not Half Good Either.

I probably shouldn't watch episodes 2 and 3 back to back (especially after the madness of Jenn C's elimination), but if they don't bring me back fast, I'm out for the season. There's a lot on the line here. And it's not going to be easy in an episode with Wylie Dufresne on the judges' panel. Man, that guy makes me mad. Get a haircut.

It seems like we're back on track with the schedule this week. And Hootie Hoo gave me a cheer, so we're starting off on the right foot.

QUICKFIRE: I had to rewind and watch the explanation again (because I was busy looking up how to spell Dufresne) and I'm glad I did. This challenge rules. (Kind of a cop-out for two teams to rock a lamb carpaccio, but I suppose they didn't have much choice.) Even if the food didn't look especially good, it was still worth it for the comedy. Especially funny that the Green Team was in the bottom, even after winning the prep section. Ha. Looks like Tight Pants isn't so awesome after all.

OBSERVATION #1: Do we think the producers realized just how lame last week's episode was? Is that why they've raised the stakes here? I love the concept of two people going home. Love it.

Woo! I also love how Tight Pants and Wide Knot are really emerging as the douches of the group. Wide Knot especially. We all know he's not a chef. He's a glorified host. And what's with the white blazer? Come on. I'd rather you had an addiction to cocaine - at least you'd be more of a wildcard.

SIDEBAR #1: Does anyone else miss Seth from TC: Just Desserts? He would be crazyland in this show. Especially with all the knives around.

On an unrelated note, I don't think I could handle a cocktail featuring a small fish. I would worry that A) it was looking at me the whole time and B) it was actually swimming in vodka, which I would later have to drink. I'll do a lot for vodka, but I don't know if I could actually do that.

Hootie Hoo is using the nitrogen? Beautiful. Don't let me down, lady.

OBSERVATION #2: Ugh. Where's Gail? Who's this chick?

TEAM MAREA: I don't know what most of these words mean. Can you make a panna cotta out of mushroom? Or a vinaigrette out of prosciutto? The onion is in the shape of a squid? I don't understand what's going on here at all.

OBSERVATION #3: I'm so sure Padma is hailing her own cab.

TEAM MA PECHE: White chocolate with fish? That's not ballsy, Tight Pants. That's gross. I don't care what Faux-Gail thinks. Here's the best part of this group: "I just have a very difficult time trying to figure out Fabio's dish." Ha! You and me both, Tom.

TEAM TOWNHOUSE: Popcorn! A scallop that's not a scallop! And Rainbow throws caution to the wind and makes a soup! (Yes, I understand that's her thing. If it's not scallops, it's soup. But I'm trying to stay positive here.)

SIDEBAR #2: In the interest of staying positive, I will bring up how happy I am to not see Toby Young any more. Man, that guy sucked.

TEAM WD50: Ew. All of this stuff looks gross. Even my Hootie Hoo. As expected, DoucheFoam made something appropriately both douchey and foamy. But I'm as surprised as the judges that he wasn't douchier and foamier.

TOP 4: UTR, Tight Pants, Angry Dale and Biceps. Sure, why not? I still don't like Angry, but his dish looked somehow the least disgusting of the four at WD50, so I guess he deserved it. At least they didn't award that white chocolate nonsense. Tight Pants, indeed.

BOTTOM 4: Incomprehensible, PLFASPV, Wide Knot and Headband. Well, I've been waiting for two of them to go home for two weeks now...but I'm not sure the judges will agree. Incomprehensible is annoying, but he's good for comedy, especially when he yells at Bourdain. Headband is too jazz-handsy for my liking, but I don't need him to leave. In a perfect world it would be PLFASPV and Wide Knot.

ELIMINATION: But I think we all know it's not a perfect world. I suppose I should be happy to finally get rid of Wide Knot, but this is definitely a bittersweet victory. Is it enough to get me totally back on the bandwagon? No. But I'll keep at it. After all, my wine would be lonely if I didn't.

Continue Reading

Top Chef All Stars: Episode #2 - Not Right On So Many Levels

Considering that all I've consumed today is chips, salsa, peanut butter balls and malbec, it's been a pretty good Saturday. And you know, I bet the kids would love that stuff at midnight. (Although let's be honest, this malbec isn't going to last until 5pm, let alone midnight.)

And what is Joe Jonas doing here? (Come on Angry Dale, a pastry chef?) I'm sure he's a great judge for something like Star Search Kids, but a cooking - [ed. note - here I actually had a long rant about Joe Jonas and his qualifications and may or may not have used the terms "brat" and "child" and "puberty." But I don't actually have any feelings, positive or negative, about the Jonas Brothers. And he's 21. So...well...there's that. Back to the drinking.] - show? No.

QUICKFIRE: I'm with Rainbow Scallop. Why does everyone have to help with the quickfire? Just because Jonas couldn't make up his mind? Are these teams going to stick around for the challenge? Aren't they uneven? Is someone going home after the quickfire? What's going OOOOONNNNNNNN?!

Sorry. I got a little carried away and whiny. Maybe it's all the children. God, they're loud. And stupid. There's not enough wine in the world to make me want to be in that room with the screaming and the sugar and the Jonas and the screaming. And, you know, the screaming. On a related note, PLFASPV (Tiffani F.) was lucky to score after last week's poor performance.

SIDEBAR #1: Once, I went to a nighttime cocktail party at the Museum of Science and Industry. And we walked around in the dark. While drinking. It was really cool. The moral of this story is that DoucheFoam is right. Screw sleep. Run around the museum.

Why am I so not into this episode? To be honest, I'm focusing more on the strange chef fashion (were those really Pumps I saw, Spike?) and the indifference I feel with so many of these people. Tre. Tiffany. Headband Dale. Angelo. Stephen. I don't care about any of you. At least make me angry about something. I can't even muster some angst for Rainbow and her two stitches. (But I can definitely be annoyed with Incomprehensible and Headband and Antonia telling us how tough they are with their fingers and their forks and their duct tape. Wait. I don't think that's how I intended for that to happen. Oh well.)

SIDEBAR #2: When I was in the first grade spelling bee, I studied really hard. I was all set to spell brontosaurus. It never came up. I still won, but it wasn't satisfying. My winning word? Cake. So watching all this Team Brontosaurus stuff has left me with a feeling of unfinished business. I should probably eat some cake.

OK I figured it out. Here's what's wrong: the lack of early decision in the Quickfire challenge has completely thrown me off. It's like I started the episode halfway in and have spent the whole time trying to catch up. Listen up, producers. Don't mess with success. Give me guest judge, quickfire, quickfire winner, challenge, judges eating, judges table, elimination. Blam. None of this "Oh Joe Jonas (lame) can't decide, so we're going to go get children to scream really loud and that will help propel us right into the challenge." Except it didn't.

And what's with Katie Lee? Why is she here? Man, I see why she got fired. She's blander than...than...polenta cake? Well, something bland. See? She's so snooze-inducing, I can't even mock.

SIDEBAR #3: If you serve a DiSarrono on the rocks and then put 4 ounces of ginger ale in the glass, then it's no longer a DiSarrono on the rocks. It's a DiSarrono and ginger ale. (Not that anyone in their right mind would actually drink a DiSarrono on the rocks.) Maybe it's time for a new sponsor?

BRONTOSAURUS: I haven't even paid attention to the cooking here. Some sort of fruit in cream, potato gnocchi, and some random argument about plums. And then banana parfait wins? That's the winning dish? Wow. Powerful stuff, guys.

SIDEBAR #4: Oh Gail. They never listen, do they?

T-REX: None of your dishes sound very good. And Glass Ceiling: All Stars is just driving more nails into her coffin. (This is when we ask if fighting is actually helpful - although Tom says it doesn't bother him, you know that Gail is not pleased. She didn't like Tre's aggressive sauce, I guarantee she doesn't like GC:AS's ranting.)

SIDEBAR #5: This is lame. As lame as Katie Lee.

ELIMINATION: What?! Jenn C? The second elimination? Before all the people who are so boring that I can't even muster up nicknames for them? That's just crazy. Nothing about this episode is making me want to watch the rest of the season.

I need some scotch.

Continue Reading

Top Chef All Stars: Episode #1

OK, I approach this season with some trepidation. I only watched Seasons 4-6, so there's all these strangers here that I've only seen on random specials. And some of those that I do know, I can't say I've missed. I'll just say it: I'm here for two things: Hootie and Hoo. And, you know, the wine.

OBSERVATION #1: 90% of the cast appears to have made an obvious effort to have a different hairstyle. Except Marcel. And this is the problem. Why does he continue to think that's appropriate, even after all these years. I'm glad my wine rack is fully stocked.

SEASON 1
Pretty Lame For a Self-Proclaimed Villain (Tiffani F.) - Oh ha. You're worried about Elia? You might need to be worried about your friend Stephen. And yourself. Looks like Season 1 isn't the best season after all.

FOH & A Great Dresser (Stephen) - Yeah, I mean that ironically. First of all, let's talk about the fact that you're wearing a tie. Who are you trying to impress? We know how hot it is in that kitchen (thanks TV Guide Behind the Scenes) since the fans make too much noise for the cameras. This, paired with the fact that you look like a pretentious douche, tells me that you're overdressed. Or maybe it's the other way around. I'm already on my third glass. Do you see what you people are doing to me?

OBSERVATION #2 - If I have to hear one more person say "Our season was the best season" I am going to throw something.

SEASON 2
DoucheFoam (Marcel) - The smirk that is ALWAYS on your face makes me crazy. I swear, if I had a plate of your foam nonsense I would not be able to stomach it. That's not food.

G. I. Jane (Elia) - Not very tough there, Jane. Come on, you shaved your head way back when. And now you can't even watch the screen? Way to wuss out. Oh, good job on the scale too.

OBSERVATION #3 - Ha! Redoing the dish that sent them home? Brilliant.

SEASON 3
She Who Sabotaged My Hootie Hoo (Casey T) - I refuse to enjoy you in any manner. No.

(Tre) - Eh.

(Dale L.) - Eh.

OBSERVATION #4 - Gail! I know I just finished watching Just Desserts yesterday, but I was already started to miss you.

SEASON 4
(Richard): Keep up the good cooking, Blaise. Although I'm happy Stephanie ultimately won your season, I was still disappointed with your previous choke. But the disqualification was just lame - no more sloppy mistakes!

(Dale T) - I'll just wait till the first time you freak out on everyone to bother.

UTR (Antonia) - Under the radar. Just like last time. Well, whatever works.

Crafty Motherf*cker (Spike): Oh ha. Frozen scallops. You haven't gotten rid of your stupid hats, but I still enjoy your craziness. Maybe you could figure out how to not look like a hobo?

OBSERVATION #5 - Man, I'm spending a lot of time just trying to figure out who is who. There's all these Tiffanys and Dales and...ugh.

SEASON 5
Incomprehensible (Fabio): Nope. Still don't understand anything you're saying. But I can tell you have it out for Bourdain. Get over it Fabio - your food clearly wasn't good. That's why you were a host on the last reunion. Stop arguing. Just stop.

Hootie Hoo (Carla) - You don't blame Casey? I do. Oh Carla, how I've missed having you on my television. Thank you for Hootie Hoo-ing right when you entered the apartment. No peas this time, ok?

Rainbow Scallop (Jamie) - Even with no soup or scallop, you wind up in the top 3? All right then.

OBSERVATION #6 - I can't understand the knot on Stephen's tie.

SEASON 6
Hot Chicks With Douchebags (Mike I) - You were boring today. Eh.

Glass Ceiling (Jen C) - Yeah, I expected you to school everyone (especially Tiffani) too. What happened? Come on.

OBSERVATION #7 - I had really hoped to emerge from this episode without picturing Bourdain getting a colonoscopy. Damn.

SEASON 7
I hear your season was the lamest. So I'm not even going to bother.

ELIMINATED: G.I. Jane. Oh well. That final plea was pretty lame. So you probably deserve it. But we should have known when they showed you being all cocky at the beginning.

NEXT WEEK: Will the elimination of one loser make it easier for me to decipher between all the rest? Will Hootie Hoo come out on top? Will I find the bottom of my bottle? And the most important question: whose cute little ass does Paula Dean want to whoop? Only time will tell.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 6: The Day That Don't Impress Me Much

If I didn't know the producers are enjoying the tension (or whatever you call it) between Simon and Kara, I'd expect Ellen to sit in the 3rd seat next week. Because the interrupting and the annoying were ramped up tonight higher than they've ever been before. Kara. Settle. Down.


On an unrelated note (you know, because we're only partly here to talk about anything relating to music) I enjoy Shania Twain. I would enjoy it if someone rocked "When" or "No One Needs to Know Right Now". But I have a feeling I'm going to be let down. Or the Screamer is going to put together a medley of the two just to ruin them for me. (Actually, I've got her pegged for "Man I Feel Like a Woman" or "Any Man of Mine" just for the sheer comedy.)

Also? Shania's hair is incomprehensibly large.

You're Still the One ("You're Still the One") - OK Dawg, for me for you, this wasn't as awesome as I wanted it to be. Especially at the beginning (that first note was painful). But since the judges are all for sending you to the finals, I'm still on board. And I voted for you many many times tonight. Just remember - a solid second place finish is nothing to sneeze at. But first is better.

Big Poppa ("It Only Hurts When I Breathe") - Man, you cannot start off every song originally sung by a woman in that "This Woman's Work" falsetto. (That's right kids - keep harping on Maxwell, but Kate Bush did it first, and she did it better.) As soon as you did that, I stopped listening. I know Ellen says it sounded like Luther Vandross, and I'd probably agree. Since I don't love Luther's music, that's probably why I don't care about you anymore.

SIDEBAR #1 - Geez, does every performance have to be a ballad tonight?

Goldilocks ("Don't") - Oh well. It was a killer performance. And there was some nice vibrato control. Good job Goldy. But still...I'm bored. Maybe it's because I've been drinking for the past nine hours and I've run out of bourbon.

Ginger Vitis ("No One Needs To Know") - Yeeeesssss. A) We're behind you and your earth mother ways. B) If your boyfriend doesn't man up soon, he's a douche. C) Even though you slowed this down a little too much (and went a little TOO country) for my liking, I'm glad you went for something that sounded modern instead of just wailing Janis-style on another ballad. But can you please tell the Kara-doppelganger to pull away from the backup notes just a bit?

SIDEBAR #2 - Let's take a look at what just happened. The judges learned their lesson with Mindy Doo. You can't pimp them out every single week and expect them to win. And now they're trying to reverse psychology the audience into ramping up the votes for Ginger. It might work.

The Infant ("It's In the Way You Love Me") - Oh good. Another ballad. Guys, you're letting me down this week. It's country week for crying out loud. Although this is kind of snoozy, it sounds pretty good and that was some excellent mic work. HOLD THE PHONE. I just remembered the words to this song and had to rewind. Did The Infant actually decide to sing "it's in the way we make love"? Oh ha ha ha. "The way you show your love." OK then. Thanks for going with class over inappropriate and creepy.

SIDEBAR #3 - Way to step on my point, Kara.

The Screamer ("Any Man of Mine") - Wow. (To be fair, I typed that before this performance even started - I'm just preparing myself mentally for the onslaught.) No. Stop. Stop that. Oh come on. You can't just take a mediocre (which is being generous) karaoke performance and top it with some screams at the end and call it good. And judges? What are you doing? That was poor. Enough with the pimping.

SIDEBAR #4 - I'm kind of enjoying the new trend of having the mentor sit right there next to the judges so we can see their reaction. Shania had some good moments. Moments when she did not look as pleased as she might be leading us to believe.

BOTTOM 3 - If it were up to the producers: Goldy, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to me: The Screamer, The Infant, Big Poppa
If it were up to America, who has a history of being stupid: YSTOIL, Goldy, Big Poppa

SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: I'm going to be bold and say that country week and singing for his mother has saved The Infant for one more week. It's probably Big Poppa's time to go.

TOMORROW NIGHT: Rascall Flatts, Sons of Sylvia (eh), Lady Antebellum (yeah!) and...Shakira? Not Shania? Boo.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 7: The Day I Fight Off Boredom

Wow. We're so pressed for time the judges don't even get a real entrance? Sad. And yet...we still run over into Glee's time slot. Good job, control room. Well, because you can't be bothered to give me a normal intro, I'm not giving you one either.

Goldilocks ("Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac) - Eh. I actually spent this performance reading about Joanna Pacitti. Why, you ask? Because this was boring. I don't like Fleetwood Mac. And I don't like Goldilocks standing around, playing the guitar and bleating like a sheep. What's that you say? He walked around this time. Oh good. I was wrong - that four feet made all the difference.

My Favorite Paint Salesman ("The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel) - Oh MFPS. I don't like Simon and Garfunkel either. But I kind of like this song, because it's fun to say "psshhhh" after "lie la lie." And although I enjoyed this performance (as I am wont to do) I spent most of the time looking around the stage to figure out what instrument makes that sound. I'm disappointed - because I don't see anything that I can buy online at Musicians Friend. But at least you're wearing a new color of shirt. So there's that.

SIDEBAR #1: I got home from the gym too late to vote (Yes, sometimes I do that. Don't worry - I spiked my protein shake with some rum. It's important to retox after the detoxing.) but I swear, if America pulls another Daughtry and sends my favorite rocker home before the finals, I am going to do something drastic.

Gazpacho Fauxfron ("Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls) - Once I tried to sing "Slide" at a karaoke bar. Those songs are deceptive. They start all nice and low and you think "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." You know, you're like that violinist who nodded with quiet pride during some bars of rest at the top of the song. And then it goes to places you don't want it to go. But then you do a shot and it's ok. Or at least you don't mind that you actually can't hit those high notes at all. This performance was just like that. Except it didn't go anyplace at all. But the shot I just had helped a bit.

The Infant ("I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly) - Uh...you've been singing this song since you were five, because you're what now? Twelve? You make me feel old. Especially when you continue to wear those Members Only lookalike jackets. But let's focus on the big elephant in the room. An R. Kelly song performed by a kid who has barely hit puberty? Oh gentle irony. (And A. Kelly, Seacrest? No.)

SIDEBAR #2: I actually had to rewind to see what the infant was doing with his hands. For a second I thought he was flashing a purity ring. But no. It was just a weird way of telling people to vote for number four. Sad.

The Screamer ("When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston) - Oh come on. Are there butterflies on your shoulder? Oh god, they're all over you. I used to think butterflies were moderately fun - but that was when I also enjoyed the rest of the magnets on my grandma's fridge. Don't even get me started on your weird friends. Or that performance. Because it was lame. Boring. And I'm tired of your games and your whiny excuses after the judges give you less than glowing critiques.

Big Poppa ("Hero" by Chad Kroeger) - Ha. Nickelback. On Idol. I love it. OK, make fun of Nickelback as much as you want (because there's a lot to make fun of), but they have more fans than Hannah Montana. Seriously. They were ranked as the 11th best selling music act of the 2000's (thanks Wikipedia). And this is a pretty good song. And a decent performance. I like Big Poppa and I'm glad he's around. For the most part.

SIDEBAR #3: So do we think they will actually send someone home tomorrow night? Or will they go through the motions of making people stand up and then make Ginger think she's headed home a la Jordin in 2007? I'm thinking they'll have an elimination as planned, provided the last place finisher isn't Ginger or MFPS.

Ginger Vitis ("People Get Ready" by The Impressions) - Ginger, here's what I have to say. I would like to hear you sing something modern. I know, I know, we had Elvis week and Beatles week and you were kind of limited then. But this song is from 1965. Also? You should have done this whole song a capella. I'm still on board (it's a good thing I don't need a ticket, because all I have is this gin rickey), but I need something more than you breaking down at the end of a song and then being interrupted by my TiVo --

And now we're watching Jimmy Fallon and his crew Glee it up to "Livin' On a Prayer." Actually, I'm enjoying this more than writing about Ginger. Let's call it a night.

BOTTOM THREE: (They didn't call out the bottom three at the previous IGB episodes...we'll see if they do this year) Goldy, Screamer, Gazpacho
SHOULD GO: Screamer
WILL GO: Gazpacho

Tomorrow night: Star studded. Or something. I don't see Kelly on that list. So I don't think I care. But it's better than the Breast Cancer Three Day, so I'm more likely to part with some of my hard-earned drinking money.

Continue Reading

Idol Top 9 (Week Two) Results: They Day Our Prayers Are Finally Answered

Oh this is not going to be good. Did you see that group performance? Sure, it's fine if you close your eyes and listen - you know, since they're totally lip syncing. Wait. No it's not. Some songs are just not meant to be arranged for a show choir. (Yes, I'm sure Glee will prove me wrong at some point. But I will remain steadfast in my opinion on this matter.)

GROUP SONG: Fail.

FORD COMMERCIAL: Does someone miss the taping every week? What's up with Ginger?

JUDGMENT: All my anger is currently being directed at that stupid bow tie Gangsta Gokey is wearing. All of it. I want to rip it off his neck. And if he happens to choke when that happens, well that's a price I'm willing to pay.

ELIMINATION #1: Gangsta Gokey - Finally. But let's be honest. You really should have sung "Straight Up." Because that's all we've wanted from you since Day One.

CAMEOS: Elliott in Africa - I can't lie. I totally fast forwarded through this. Sorry, Africa.

Barefoot Potbelly (Brooke White) with Miley's ex - Well, you kids did your best. Come on Justin. You're trying to be a star. Maybe you look at the audience at some point. You can't always count on Potbelly to be there to carry you along.

SIDEBAR - The iTunes version of this is much better. Probably because you don't have to watch Justin looking petrified on stage and Potbelly looked skeeved that he is blowing it.

WickedRaverSiriano - Come on, Lambert. I actually liked this song. And you've managed to ruin it with your lasers and your weird rubato opening and your general off-key-ness. I'm not even going to mention the screaming. Unnecessary. Inevitable, but unnecessary.

ELIMINATION #2: Sorry Rory. Diana DeGarmo you aren't. You're not even Amy Adams. Give it a few more years and then head to the theatre. I'm sure there's a place for you as the Narrator in Joseph at the Toledo Community Playhouse.

Next Week: Inspirational Songs with Alicia Keys. Bleh. I'm already feeling uninspired.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 9 (Week Two): The Day Elvis Rolls Over In His Grave

Wassup, Seacrest?

Oh come on. That's not the way to start things off. Nor do I agree with the concept of comparing Elvis with freaking WickedRaverSiriano. Let's not forget that I've been to Graceland twice.

Wait. There's so much to talk about right now, we don't even have time for sidebars:

A. WRS's hair
B. Seacrest singing Whatya Want From Me (why does he feel the need to sing something EVERY FREAKING WEEK?!)
C. Matthew Morrison in the audience wearing an inexplicable fedora
D. Seacrest's assertion that his tongue is not as talented as WRS's (you know, by singing)

And damn - Elvis didn't have a favorite drink. Some sources say screwdrivers, some say black velvet. Some even say he didn't drink alcohol. I don't like any of these sources. All right, we'll go with...Kentucky Rain. Makers it is.

Ginger Vitis ("Saved") - Dawg, you are like a broken record. But then again, I would be too. This was a great performance, an unfamiliar song (in a good way), and a nice change from the mellow/rock the Ginger's been showing us so far. But seriously...are we just going to keep Mindy Doo-ing it up here, or do you actually have a chance to win this thing?

SIDEBAR #1: And Jane Lynch!!!

Gangsta Gokey ("Hounddog") - I'll accept Wicked as a mentor if you keep telling people they're boring. GG - you need to watch out. Remember what happened last week when you put your "spin" on things? Because, yeah, this was "different." It just wasn't "great." (It wasn't karaoke, Dawg, but you're right - it wasn't good.) Especially the bridge - what was that? Really. What was it?

SIDEBAR #2: Uh...GG family? Putting the Drew Carey glasses logo on a piece of poster board is not the best marketing ploy I've ever seen.

Abs Fauxfron ("I Can't Help Fallin' In Love") - Nope. Wicked just lost me. There's no reason to have everyone sing that freaking high. It may work for you (except it doesn't always) but not all singers should try to hit notes meant for women. But I digress. Killer guitar - picking that consistently is not easy. And I like the variations on the melody (thank you for not falsetto-ing, dude), even if Abs has some difficulty going back and forth between the high and the low stuff. (Maybe Michael the music director should try to teach Abs about phrasing. No? Just a thought.) Now learn to have some emotion when looking at the camera, and I'll forgive your crazy hair. Because the vocals are getting there.

SIDEBAR #3: Roughneck's here?! And dancing? How did I miss that?

My Favorite Worrywart ("A Little Less Conversation") - Yeeeeeeessssssss. I would buy this right now if i-Tunes didn't make me wait until tomorrow. But let's talk America. We don't need another Daughtry situation, do we? Can you please do your part and vote?

MiniSituation ("Blue Suede Shoes") - Uh...no. When you are 12 and tiny, and wear jackets with gigantic collars, you are not allowed to sing this song. Sure, sure, it's uptempo, it's different that the snoozers you usually trot out. But no. Not for you.

SIDEBAR #4: I love a passarel as much as the next guy. But do we all need to use it? Going into the audience does not mean they're going to vote for you.

Screaming Pompador ("Suspicious Minds") - Ugh. This is in my top 5 songs ever. Do. Not. Piss. Me. Off...

NOOOOOOOO. DID YOU REALLY JUST SCREAM AND ASK FOR A BIG RUBATO TRUMPET ACCOMPANIMENT?!

No. Not that I was ever into this disaster, but especially at the beginning of the song it really dawned on me that maybe Screamer isn't actually that good of a singer. She can't sing slow, she can't sing soft, she can't sing low. All. She. Does. Is. Scream. Stoppit. STOPPIT.

SIDEBAR #5: You have to label yourself a little - otherwise where do they put you in the CD section at Target?

SIDEBAR #6: Dunkleman? Oh that was mean, Seacrest. Thumbs down.

Big Poppa ("In the Ghetto") - Yup. That was worth the save. An awesome song, and a kick ass performance. Dude, it's the ballads that the people want. Give it to them. If the Giraud Effect (tm) kicks in, you should be safe for another week.

Rory Waldorf ("Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do") - Props for not letting a smile slip through. The vocals were fine, the sass was fine (with the exception of neck moves), but there's still something missing. Like you could have gone maybe a third higher at the end, but stopped short - probably because you actually can't sing that high. Here's the problem - when you're singing, I should have moments when I say "Oh man, she's not gonna hit that no...wait! She did it!" Not "Come on...just a little higher...oh well."

SIDEBAR #7: Do you think they're being speedy with the critiques because Jane Lynch will kick some ass if they run over into Glee?

Goldilocks ("Lawdy Miss Clawdy") - Oooh. Rough start. Like in the wrong key rough start. But once the band kicked in, this wasn't too bad. Was it worthy of the clean up position? No, probably not. The sheep bleat just isn't working for me. Get that vibrato under control, chief.

BOTTOM THREE: MiniSitch, Gangsta, Screaming Pompador
SHOULD GO: Pompador
WILL GO: Gangsta

Tomorrow Night: WickedRaverSiriano doing Whatya Want From Me (ok), Barefoot Potbelly duetting with some dude from If I Can Dream (Justin Gaston - also Miley's ex, I hear), and probably some wretched Elvis group number. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 9 Results: The Day That, Frankly, Wastes My Time

Man it's really hard to come up with an intro and a title that don't give anything away. Because for all of the drama tonight, this episode was actually kind of boring. Oh wait. Every results show is long and drawn out and boring. Seriously, give it to me in a half hour and include one cameo from someone that has something to do with Idol. Except Archtastic. He's boring. Oops. Looks like I let something slip out before the jump after all. Sorry.

GROUP SONG: I hate most of these songs. (I know.) But what I hate even more are the black and white outfits. Ginger should not be wearing go-go boots.

CAMEOS: I hope McPheever's pilot doesn't get in the way of a cameo this season. Also, I love her new album. Shut up.

Derulo - I don't understand any part of your outfit, especially the weird hat sitting on top of your head. Did you buy it at Party City? It likes a homemade bedazzling job. As does the rest of your outfit. Damn kids. Decent singing. Better than Usher last week. but what's with the weird camera stuff? Producers - it's not a music video. Stoppit.

SIDEBAR #1: We can only use pyro so many times before it gets old. Two weeks in a row? Almost too much.

Archtastic - Yawn. I was bored two years ago. I'm bored now. I take it back - I would pay money for the pyro to go off and shake things up. and come on. White skinny pants and deck shoes? You made a little money from that record, didn't you?

SIDEBAR #2: I could really get behind an 80's week and a 90's week. I would love to hear some Wilson Phillips. A little "Hold On" would be better than this snoozefest.

Rihanna - Uh...does Rihanna seem a little bored? Those were the lamest hang bangs I've ever seen. Plus, I'm pretty sure Glambert wore that outfit last season. And are those girls on the platforms...what are those, some kind of orbital sanders? Wait...is she pretending to play the guitar? By just running the pick up and down the strings? Oh god. I have no idea what's going on here. It's a good thing this performance was obviously pre-taped, because the judges would not be pleased with this.

BOTTOM THREE: Oh the groups. Both of these groups would be kind of shocking as the bottom three. (I love how the audience claps for people to join both groups, sure their side is safe.) I'm going with stage left...

And I would be right. (2 out of 3 for last night's predictions...I'll take it. Even if I had no idea who's going home.) Tim's look of amazement gets better and better every week. I also enjoy the new hair we've seen this week.

RESULTS: Lynche Mob? Boo. That's not cool. But this is the best example of someone busting out the money song (and I'll admit I criticized this a bit the first time, because I'm such a huge fan of the Kate Bush version and never really got into Maxwell's falsetto nonsense) when it really counts. OK judges, now's your chance...

Nice. See you next week, BP. Along with Glambert mentoring (what?) and performing the only song of his I've ever enjoyed. Probably in a kilt or something. Ok then.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 9: The Day the Contestants Attempt (and Fail) To Give Their Peers Better Nicknames Than I Do

So, the question for tonight is "Will this episode be as poor as the two previous Beatles episodes?" I think we get a bit of foreshadowing when instead of answering simply "no" when Ellen jokingly asks if Lennon & McCartney wrote "Party In the USA," Seacrest responds seriously that it was "one of our mentors," implying two things: 1. That Hannah Montana actually had any part of writing that song and 2. That her position as mentor puts her on par with the other two. Sure. I'm going to have to do some shots really fast. Pardon me while I cut some limes.

Yoda (?) ("The Long and Winding Road") - I actually had to look up this song to be sure Dionne Warwick never did a cover of it. But midway through my research, I fell asleep. And then I was rudely woken up with that scratchy last note. Not good news, Mini.

Beyonce, Apparently ("Let It Be") - Look Rory, don't you remember that Barefoot Potbelly sang this a few years ago? Don't you remember how the people loved it? Sigh. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS?!? Ugh. A good performance and a decent outfit for once. Fine. I won't vote for you (or go to prom with you) but I'll give you that this week.

SIDEBAR #1: Who knew Kara's going to be performing solo in concert for the first time ever this weekend? I'm curious. So if you're in Atlantic City this Friday or Saturday, go nuts. Tell me how it is.

Goofy Gangsta Gokey ("Can't Buy Me Love") - I swear I've heard this before. No wait...I've just heard every Maroon 5 song there is. And I like Maroon 5 more than this song/performance, so I'm going to focus instead on the fact that you are wearing a polo shirt with the top button buttoned. What is that? It's bad enough with the neck tattoo, do you have to rock the gangsta look even harder? Sigh. When will you children learn?

Lynche Mob ("Eleanor Rigby") - Careful BP...David Cook rocked this. Sure, your arrangement is different. Generally, I liked it. But I liked the India.Arie last week way better. Less theatrics, more singing, ok, please? And don't listen to the Dawg attempt to compare this to Glee. Keep Glee where it belongs. Not on the Idol stage.

SIDEBAR #2: Of course I don't need limes to do shots. What kind of drunk do you think I am? I just like the smell.

Why Did You Just Make Me Think of Carly Smithson? ("Come Together") - OK, I'm back on board. This was the perfect amount of Jewel-rock. I could practically hear you tell me to fill my life with love and gravy - and that's what I want from you (well, except for you to get rid of your stupid white girl dreads). Just don't let the judges keep Mindy Doo-ing you right into third place. P.S. Carly, I miss you. I think we can all now see that your performance just needed a didgeridoo.

Smiles Fauxfron ("All My Loving") - Maybe now's a good time to talk about how our departed Mullet Bieber chopped the hair, got some clothes that fit and wound up on a Big-Brother-esque web show. Let's take a look at him now:


Huh. You managed to get rid of the two things that made me give you a nickname. Good for you, Lambert. Wait, what? Oh right, Smiles was singing, wasn't he? Sure, it was fine. I wouldn't mind having that playing on my ipod in the background while I'm doing something more interesting. Good for you too, Smiles.

SIDEBAR #3: Bones! I love that show! I'd like to think David and Emily watch the Idol of their own volition and weren't forced to show up tonight. I really would. But their faces suggest otherwise. Oh well.

Goldilocks ("Jealous Guy") - I have a hard time thinking of TSW as a soap star or something when tonight he looks so much like Bucky Covington. And what's with the white coat? Ooooooooooh. A cello! Don't ruin this Rickey. Let the guitar keep going with the cello. Please. No band. (God, I wish the i-Tunes version would sound like this, but I can almost guarantee it won't be.)

...holding breath...

Thanks for that, Rickey. Thanks for showing some restraint for once. While I don't love the bleating lamb vibrato of TSW's voice, I will get behind this performance 100%.

Interestingly Weird ("Across the Universe") - In.Comp.Re.Hens.I.Ble. What the hell are you wearing?! Are you kidding me?! I'm not even listening to you (and not just because your performance blows tonight). If this were 1995, you would totally have been one of those chicks who wore jeans under their tie-dyed floor length skirts, with rainbow striped socks and ratty Birkenstocks. (God, if someone finds this page while searching for ugly sandals, I don't know what I'll do.) I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. Judges, stop talking about artistry, and let's talk about what's real here: the vocal was way too yawny - not sleepy - yawny. That's what happens when you take low notes into your head and they resonate in your cheeks.

SIDEBAR #4: Really? Are we going to keep clapping for the weird girl because she won't change for the people? Oh don't cry. We get it. You march to your own drum. Eh.

SIDEBAR #5: Earl. Nice Ed Grimley hair.

My Favorite Worrywart, Even With Bagpipes ("Hey Jude") - Danny Gokey babies, Ginger? I'd like to think that means you've read this blog. If so, then hi! And if not...well, you should. But I digress. With the exception of a few bum notes at the beginning and...why is there a bagpipe? And why is he in full regalia? Oh whatev. Lee, you finally acted like a rock star, and I like it. when the song starts, we will clap. When you count us in, we will sing along. When wayward Scotsmen wander in (thanks for the imagery, Ellen), bathed in green light, we will ignore it as much as possible - but we will support you. Keep it up, chief.

TOP THREE: WDYJMMTOCS?, Goldy and MFWW,EWBP
BOTTOM THREE: Smiles, Yoda? and GGG

SHOULD GO: Interestingly Weird (because it's not so interesting)
WILL GO: Smiles? Yoda? Man, I don't know this week. But I do know that I'm out of Patron. Damn.

TOMORROW: Rhianna, Jason Derulo (oh good, more vocoder) and Archtastic. Yeah, that all goes together.

Continue Reading

Project Runway: Don't Disappoint Heidi - Even Though You're Disappointing Me

Oh Heidi. Conjuring up images of Paris Hilton or J.Lo or Sarah Jessica, only to come into the workroom yourself? So sneaky. But why do I get the feeling this episode is going suck?

BANGS JR: What? Are you kidding me? This isn't the type of thing that happens when we're down to the final six. And this isn't the type of thing that happens at the beginning of an episode. I'm as flabbergasted as the designers. (But that's no reason for NeckStar to tell me to f*ck off. Rude.)

SIDEBAR #1: Suzanne's back! (Although his quotation from Gypsy was misplaced - Mama Rose you are not, Suzanne.)

SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Wow...that's...ugly. I can't believe you waited till 11:30 to start a new dress. Then again, I can't believe you went for the cutout fabric plan...again. Come on dude, the judges don't like it. They're not taken by the detailing. They're taken by your complete lack of taste.

IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD (AND YOUR OBNOXIOUS LISP): Ha! I love Nina's complete deadeye look while your dress was on the runway. Yeah, you might keep winning challenges, but I guarantee that she's fighting against you every single week.

SIDEBAR #2: Jessica Alba is really lame. I bet she was supposed to be the celebrity model, but then Heidi decided she was too boring. Because she is. She just wanted a free dress.

FLOPS McCUTOFF: Did you listen to what you just said? You like to accentuate a woman's ass? I can already hear Heidi complaining about this. Come on, dude.

COLORBLOCK BANGS: Oh Colorblock. Did you hear Nina? She chose to use your dress for a call back to Bravo. That doesn't bode well for you. Neither does the fact that you design the same type of dress every week. Then again, Leanne always had those weird floppy things on all of her dresses and they gave her to prize. Oh well.

SIDEBAR #3: Is anyone else bored? I am.

NECKSTAR: Eh.

SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: Woo! Not enough talking this week, but it was an awesome dress. Good for you! You're clearly bucking for the Chris March Fan Favorite prize.

NEXT WEEK: Crazy Crotch, Snooze and a Big Blue Condom. Either things get more exciting next week, or else the producers are just trying to make sure I don't jump off the bandwagon like I did last year. Tell you what - stop making IYHBEFYH(AYOL) win and that will help.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 10 Results: The Day FOX Movie Placement Is Taken To a Whole New Level

Seriously, what was that Clash of the Titans nonsense? I bet Sam Worthington never thought he'd appear in a toga on American Idol. Then again, he's from Australia, and they're weird down there, so maybe he did.

CAMEOS: Ruuuuuuuben - You had me until vegan. That is all.

Bieber - Ugh. Please let the fact that you are in the audience mean that you're not performing. Please.

Usher - It's nice to hear someone using the vocoder because it works for the song, not because they need it (I'm just assuming, because I know dude can sing). But then HammerPants showed up and took things to a whole new level. MC, unless you're T-Pain and you're in luv wit a stripper, don't think you have the right to use it during your whole verse.

DiddyDirtyMoney - Wait, is that what we're calling him now? Or am I just having a strobe induced stroke? Uh...I'm not normally a rap fan, but that was pretty cool.

DOUCHEBAGGERY: Seacrest is being a total jackass this season. Anyone else agree? Thankfully, we have Big Poppa there to keep him in line.

BOTTOM 3: Aw...Dakota is safe? That's not cool. I like Fauxfron and Crazy Cat Lady way better. Boo.

ELIMINATED: Crazy Cat Lady. Sad. I know the judges weren't going to burn their save - they'll use it for Lee or Casey or something - but that was a pretty good save me performance (not perfect, but still pretty good). I wish she'd sung like that last night.

Is anyone wondering why all the judges kept saying at the beginning of the season that this year it's the women who are better? Uh...last I checked, there are still three guys left. Good job, judges.

Thankfully, no Bieber. I can only think that Ruuuuuuuben showing up forced the infant off the stage.

NEXT WEEK: No idea who's performing, since Seacrest's nonsense made the show run over and recording Destination Truth took precedence. But I suppose we can look forward (?) to the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Oh, except I don't care for the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Eh.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 10: The Day Ryan Enters, Then Runs Backstage and Up the Escape Stairs, and Then Enters Again

God forbid you don't get your dramatic down the stairs entrance, Seacrest. And while he's douching it up with Usher in the audience (This isn't your radio show, Seacrest, and why the sunglasses? No.), I'm sitting here with that (new) lady over there on the couch, and we're discussing tomorrow night's guests. I'm sorry, "guests." Because I refuse to acknowledge that I'm actually going to have to listen to Justin Bieber sing. To which TNLOTOTC replied, "15? He should be riding his bike or something." Yes, TNLOTOTC, you're very wise.

But let's not put the cart before the horse (or in this case, the beer before the liquor). How about some judgment about tonight's performances?

Big Love Screamy ("Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan) - TNLOTOTC is proving to be a formidable Idol viewing companion. At that moment when Screamy hit that really really bad note (you know what I'm talking about) she cringed. Visibly. And then when the screaming started she said "I think that's her thing. Suck it up for a while and then start screaming and think that it's OK." True. The lower register is roooouuuuugh. But look at how the judges (except for Simon) refuse to just say that she sucks. Because it's true. She sucks. Take that, people.

SIDEBAR #1: Also, TNLOTOTC it able to follow right in the footsteps of That Original Lady Over There On the Couch. When I asked if we were almost done with the crappy wine we started with while waiting for the white to chill in the freezer, she replied, "Ugh. I'm ready for the good stuff," and drained her glass.

SIDEBAR #2: Why are we seeing so much backstage tonight? And how sad is that craft services table?

The Shirtless Wonder ("Hold On, I'm Coming" by Sam and Dave) - Never before performed on the Idol stage? Awesome. Maybe that should be a new rule - once a song is performed, it should be retired for future seasons. (To be fair - Slezak suggested that in his EW column this week. I don't actually know where that article is on the interweb, so why don't you just follow him on the twitter? You can follow me by clicking the link over there on the right.) And way to negate the performance, Seacrest (and to unnecessarily talk trash about Kara - she's starting to show some judging chops) - this was a good week for TSW. Probably his strongest yet. The blues growl fits nicely into your voice, chief - infuse that into future theme weeks and you'll be in the top 6 faster than you can say "Ace Young."

SIDEBAR #3: TNLOTOTC apparently needs assistance with the next bottle of wine. Be back in a few.

Big Poppa ("Ready For Love" by India.Arie) - Yeeeeeeesssssssss. This is the best song. (Is anyone else still angry that India lost the grammy to stupid Alicia Keys?) I wasn't on team Poppa until this moment - but now I am. Because this rules. Understated, yet emotional. Small, yet big in the right places. And the acoustic was a nice (and skillful) touch. The Dawg is right, Poppa is in the zone. (Props to Ellen for the look on her face while the Dawg was talking. Shame on Kara for not knowing the magic of India.) Artistry, bitches. Artistry.

SIDEBAR #4: We just cheers-ed to Simply. It's almost spring.

SIDEBAR #5: Seriously, with the backstage interviews? Stoppit.

Crazy Cat Lady ("What Becomes Of the Broken Hearted" by Jimmy Ruffiin) - CCL is an interesting beast. Unlike most contestants, she starts out awesomely on the verse with her low tones and the subtlety required to begin a song that is ultimately going to go somewhere...but it never really goes anywhere. And I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing - because everyone else brings out the money notes at the end and makes people forget the beginning of the song. You know what would have made this work? You've got the Marlene Dietrich hair, the long dress...this should have been slowed way down. Or at the very least, we should have had some time to fermata on the first high note (and even more on the second one).

SIDEBAR #6: Interesting. I was on CCL's side while Seacrest was pushing for gossip, but then TNLOTOTC noted that unless CCL was willing to share things with her (like why she was so emotional), she didn't actually care about her and was less willing to vote for her. Hmmm.

Teflon Fauxfron ("Sweet Love" by Anita Baker) - OK Fauxfron, I'm going to ignore the feigned earnestness (TNLOTOTC asserts that this performance isn't hurting her, but is doing nothing for her) and give some actual musical criticism. The few low notes were heard were great. So let's ignore the stupid need that everyone has to sing high, and transpose the song down about a 4th. The whole first half of the song could have been in your wheelhouse. Let's talk about being young and current (ok, Kara) why do so many singers think that means you need to be a tenor? Sure, I'm biased - I don't care to sing any higher than middle C. But when you've got bass notes, you should SING THEM. There need to be more bass songs than Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. I will buy your damn CD, Abs, if you just sing where you're meant to sing.

SIDEBAR #7: Thanks, Ellen. Our glasses are empty now.

SIDEBAR #8: And apparently so is this bottle. Damn it. We've put a new bottle of Vinho Verde in the freezer, but it's going to be touch and go for a while.

SIDEBAR #9: Seacrest, just stop. Stop.

Gangsta Gokey ("Forever" by Chris Brown) - Sure, props for a current song. And MAJOR PROPS FOR THE CAJON ON STAGE LEFT. Yeah. I know what a cajon is - I have two in my front room right now. (But put a damn mic on him, producers.) This performance was finally a return to what Gangsta does best - turning dancey songs into acoustic wonder. Ellen's right - competing with that other song hasn't worked so far - until now. I will vote for your cajon. Keep it up, player. You're just making room for Rory to go home this week. Thanks for that.

Dakota Waldorf-Gilmore ("Chain of Fools" by Aretha Franklin) "Nice to see you again?" Is Usher talking about when they all met as a group, or does Dakota have previous relations? That's what the people want to know. The people do not want to hear someone that is not McPheever sing this song (although to my knowledge, McPheever has never sung this song, but I don't care - it's made for her voice). Sure, the voice is fine...but no one is voting for her. Go home, Dakota.

SIDEBAR #10: Oh apparently Big Poppa doesn't wear sleeves.

SIDEBAR #11: Damn it. I'm so tired of the people on these shows stealing my thunder. (I'm talking to you, Kors.)

My Favorite Pen ("Treat Her Like a Lady" by The Cornelius Brothers) - Dude, listen to Usher. Believe it. Do you hear how the audience starts clapping within three beats of the first measure? I will buy your damn cds. This performance ruled. RULED. The judges are right. Best performance of the night - maybe of the season. Musicality, artistry, personality, awesomeness. Bring it. Bring it home. And keep putting your pick in your mouth, you can make a mint off that on e-bay.

SIDEBAR #12: I just bought 11 songs on the I-Tunes. Five of them are from My Favorite Pen.

Ginger Vitis ("Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips) - Let's talk, Ginger. As one who just had to perform songs that he wasn't entirely comfortable with on the piano, I can tell you - no one in the audience knows when you're doing something wrong except you. If you make a mistake, just call it jazz. So don't freak out - you'll do just fine. That said: keep playing. Don't get up and show us your shoulder pads and ankle tights and stilettos. Own the piano for the whole performance and don't freak out that people aren't seeing you face front.

SIDEBAR #13: Wait, is Mini Situation taking the clean-up position? Wow.

SIDEBAR #14: OK, children, here's some good advice. When you're drinking during Idol, open all of your wine when you're sober. Because sometimes there can be incidents at the end of the night. The Thirsty Critic is now bleeding because he did not show this forethought. Learn from my mistakes. Wine openers are dangerous.

Mini Situation ("Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers) - The performance hasn't even started, and already I'm trepidacious. Remember MMM less than a season ago? That performance was magic = and he was playing the piano. All you've got going for you is teen angst and a strange leather hoodie, which I can't totally get behind. And my hand is bleeding here - couldn't you have given me a better reason to stay here and not head out to the emergency room? Why are you keeping me from the necessary stitches with your passable-at-best-performance?

SIDEBAR #15: Although I like cupcakes, I appreciate how Ellen mentions every week how old (young) Mini is.

SIDEBAR #16: I'm hoping enough people have forgotten about Big Love to put her in the Bottom 3. It won't happen, but a guy can dream. Plus, I'm feeling light headed from all the bleeding. And the wine.

Top 3: My Favorite Pen, Big Poppa & Shirtless Wonder
Bottom 3: Dakota, Fauxfron & Crazy Cat Lady

SHOULD GO: Big Love Screamy
WILL GO: Dakota

Tomorrow Night: Ugh. Bieber. I'd better stock up - my bar is looking a little sparse.


Continue Reading

Project Runway: Throw One Back For Suzanne

Oh good. Replay the teaser of Emilio and his big head. This means that I'm going to start this episode the same way I ended last week. Drunk and angry. Although the drunk is likely due to the fact that the happy hour margaritas were nice and strong. Luckily my anger quickly dissipates with the adorableness of Vivienne and the awesomeness of this challenge (HP commercial excepted). It's making the graphic design geek in me want to toast. So let's break out the Cava.

IS YOUR HAT BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD? Everything that comes out of your mouth makes me cringe. Why are you such a douche? Sure. Put your initials all over your fabric. Say the word "viscera" over and over. Talk about your rights as a designer. And don't FREAKING LISTEN TO TIM GUNN. Oh well. No one can read your stupid name/heart fabric. Emilio Sosa hearts Seth Aaron. Hahahahahahaha. Ha. (No, I don't care that the judges love it or that you're the winner of the challenge. You're a jerk.)

NECKSTAR: I don't get it, but then I never get Hipster with Tattoos and Wallet Chain's designs. As long as he's not a jerk like Big Head or Jeffrey from Season 3, then I'm ok with him winning. Or whatever.

SIDEBAR #1: The Cava is working out quite nicely.

FLOPS McCUTOFF: Well, I could harp on your green pants (a gay Christmas ornament - ha! Thanks, Suzanne). But I like your fabric enough to give you a bye this week. You're welcome. (Plus, you're smack in the middle of the pack. What am I supposed to do with that?)

BANGS SR: You know what would have been cool? Fabric that looks like drips of paint. You know what your fabric looks like? The serape that Frank painted on the ceiling of that one kitchen on Trading Spaces back in 2002. (Did I? Did I just call back to 2002 in a moment that doesn't involve Kelly Clarkson? Yeah. I did. Bring it.) One thing I will say: your dress moved like it was covered in drips of paint. Don't blame your model for the fact that it doesn't flow at all.

SIDEBAR #2: Do you know how hard it is to find a link from 2002? Not easy. But here's a shot from that kitchen, for anyone who's interested.

SIDEBAR #3: Damn it, Michael Kors. I looked up serape and found that stupid link way before the runway and your critique. Way to steal my thunder.

BANGS JR: Come on Bangs. Your fabric rules. Now just don't ruin it with an overpowering collar and a Nadia Turner fauxha...oh. Never mind. Carry on. It's definitely electric. Boogie woogie woogie.

SUZANNE SUGARBAKER: OK Suzanne. You've won me over. I don't care what your fashion is for the rest of the season. I just need you to stick around and talk about Beyonce and Oprah and your dirty uncle Leroy as long as possible. Don't let me down.

SIDEBAR #4: I initially thought Heidi had gotten a haircut. But then she comes out on the runway with her normal/awesome long hair. How does she do that? I am weekly convinced that Heidi is magic.

SMELLS LIKE LAUGHTER: Are you going to make every dress match your pale Taylor Swift wannabe's skin? And what's with the straightjacket (attributed fully to Kors)? You've pushed Nina beyond upsetting. The emotion that we all feel about your dress isn't sadness. It's laughter. And isn't that what you've been going for all along?

WINNER: Bleh.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN: Ugh. Way to let me down just when you'd made me like you. I'm not going to remember you as that funny designer from the south. I'm going to remember you as the guy in the Members Only jacket who couldn't live up to my expectations.

NEXT WEEK: A bitchy celebrity. Awesome. Please make Big Head talk back to her. And please make her put him in his place.

Please.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 11 Results: The Day the Producers Try To Make Things Too Dramatic

"Another Idol Must Fall?" Oh come on, Simon. We know who's going home. Don't act like there's going to be scandal. And don't act like the judges are going to use the save. Please.

GROUP SONG: Oh. Wow. I don't even know what to do with this. I'm going to ignore the fact that My Favorite Pen looks like he's walking to his funeral (in an inexplicable Fonzie costume?) and focus on the fact that Ginger looks like she's decided to throw in the towel and have fun at the supreme absurdity of this situation. That's what you have to do, kids.

JUDGMENT: Big Love's friends are crazy/completely what I expected. Stop putting them on TV. I'd rather look at Randy's crazy Ann Taylor sweater.

SIDEBAR #1: Why is Ryan making Pencil and Shirtless stand into the commercial break? That's just weird. Not cruel...weird.

CAMEOS: So no Idol alums were available this week? They don't all have to be winners. Kims Caldwell and Locke both have awesome new singles. Why not bring them back? Don't make me sit through Teen Disney. Now that's cruel.

Miley Cyrus - It's always fun to watch performances like this and wonder if the "singer" would make it through to the next week, or even if they would have made it through Hollywood week (I'm talking to you Colbie Callait). Because this isn't good news. But maybe...it's better than last year's performance of The Climb? Nope, I couldn't even type that with a straight face. Keep singing, Miley. I need a refill.

Demi + Jonas - (Does that make this performance a half Jonas?) I don't know why I thought this might not be awful. Demi's constant hip thrust & leg bob combo made me turn away from my tv, but then her attempts at those popstar runs made me cover my ears. Someone's been listening to XTina's "Keep On Singin' My Song" a little too much. Or maybe not enough. Tough call. Thank god this song was mercifully short.

CONFUSION: Mini Sitch might be taking this Ellen look too far. It took me a while to figure out who the lesbian in the cowboy boots was, sitting on the end of the bottom row. If he shows up with a douchescarf (come on, Ellen) next week, I'm going to get on the phone to the stylists.

PATHETIC: Crazy Cay Lady doesn't want to hold your hand, Seacrest. Don't force it.

TENSION: Gangsta & Dakota Fanning - OK, Dakota. Way to copy Ginger's "I listen to me" sentiment. That can only be said once per episode. Pay attention. Sorry, what? Oh right. Either one of you could go. Whatev.

BOTTOM 3: You're No Kimberley Locke, Abs Fauxfron and Dakota. Shocking.

JUDGES' SAVE: Ha.

NEXT WEEK: Usher should be a major improvement on Hannah M. But be warned: "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" appears twice on the list of approved songs for next week. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And stock up on gin.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 11: The Day Hannah Montana Ruins Everything

By now, we all knew that Miley was this week's "mentor." (Way to keep secrets, FOX.) And we know within the first ten minutes of talking to her that she's going to call everyone "amazing." God, I'm thirsty already.

My Favorite Pen ("The Letter" by The Boxtops) - Ugh. Dude, I think you're awesome, but this song is tired. If it's used in Hollywood week, it shouldn't be used when you're on the big stage (with exception for Kimberley Locke and Band of Gold). Love the band and the onstage backup and the rocking and the singing and the performance...but this song choice is lame.

YNKL ("Against All Odds" by Phil Collins) - You all know how much I hate Phil Collins. A lot. I also performances where 94% of the notes are poorly sung. I powered through this whole song thinking there might be a moment when it would get better. But it didn't. Wow. Yo. Woah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yo. That's all I've got.

SIDEBAR #1 - Man, I appear to have it bad for some K.Locke. Interesting.

Abs Fauxfron ("Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen) - Sure. If you're going to Get Your Head in the Game all the way down to the audience, you're going to get some votes. One thing I'll say for Abs - he's getting better every week. But when you start at such a low bar, "even better" still isn't good enough. (P.S. I used my HSM reference long before the judges critique.)

Mini Situation ("I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith) - Of course you love Miley. You're twelve. (Thanks Ellen, for the validation.) If I don't focus on the creepiness of you singing these lyrics, I'll give you props for some handy mic work. And yeah, most of the singing was good, sick or no. But you know what I'm taking away from this? Seacrest's Archtastic comparison. Bad form, Seacrest.

SIDEBAR #2 - OK, who got everyone sick? I blame a bitter SYTYCD.

Ginger Vitis ("Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin) - "Powerful and beautiful women" and "Miley Cyrus" do not belong in the same sentence, Ginger. Nor does her signature belong on your guitar. But you look great. And sound great. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say this version is better than the Jennifer Love Hewitt (Pink?) version I already own (shut up). And obviously I'm going to support any song with a key change. As long as the judges don't Mindy Doo you right into third place, you'll be ok.

SIDEBAR #3 - It's a testament to Ginger's talent that I can even tolerate her after spending two hours surrounded by hippies from the Old Town School of Folk Music. Don't worry. There were also two bottles of wine.

Big Poppa ("When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge) - Yo, check it out baby. It's all very Reuben 2.0, but I like Reuben. And the last night was unconventional and sweet. Safe, boring, loungey, sure. But in comparison to some earlier disasters, this is awesome.

Gangsta Gokey ("I Heard It Through The Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye) - Wow. My eighth grade choir did this song, while strutting across the stage wearing sunglasses. I would gladly watch that video if it mean that I didn't have to watch this ever again. Dude, even Miley can't be bothered to enjoy this performance. Come on. Go home.

Rory Waldorf ("Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie) - I don't think you're allowed to sing this song until we can believe that you don't cry when you miss your blanket. Because I don't.

SIDEBAR #4 - Yeah, Miley was probably helpful for Rory. Blind leading the blind and all that.

The Shirtless Wonder ("Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News) - Awesome song (shut up judges). And TSW sounds shockingly like Huey. I'll take it. One thing - starting the song in one place and then moving to the mic is not what the judges meant last week when they told you to move around. Oh wait. you did it at the end too. Never mind - that's probably enough.

SIDEBAR #5 - Like Miley has even heard of Huey Lewis.

Crazy Cat Lady ("You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt) - This performance was like a weird cross between Taylor Swift (pitchy and blond) and Haley Scarnato (potentially crazy). And not in a good way. (Actually, is there a good way to do that?) Yes, I love the voice. There's something awesome about it. But this wasn't the song to make it rock.

Big Love ("Superstition" by Stevie Wonder) - Nope. I still don't get what all the fuss is for. So you can sing high. Whatev. Plus the skinny jeans and the Nadia Turner fauxhawk? No. I'm done with you.

And apparently I'm done with this episode. Thank god. Because there was some poorness going on. And am I really going to have to listen to Miley tomorrow night? Ugh. There is not enough wine in the world.

BOTTOM THREE: YNKL, Abs Fauxfron, Rory Waldorf
SHOULD GO: YNKL or Gangsta Gokey
WILL GO: YNKL



Continue Reading

Project Runway: A Snowy Saturday

As expected, the Idol takes up a lot of time and alcohol. But after two weeks of warm, sweatshirt only weather, it is snowing in Chicago. What better time to rock some screwdrivers and catch up on the Runway?

HARDWARE CHALLENGE: Oh right. I remember watching this. Well, I remember this being on. I'd been at a happy hour that turned into an evening of tequila shots (you know how that happens). When I got home I sat in my chair, and that lady over there on the couch started giving me the downlow, since she'd watched it in real time. But then I got distracted by the fringey vest (which I'm fairly certain my parents made me wear as a youth in 1979) and a few pairs of inappropriately tailored shorts. Designers - dress thyselves. And maybe look in a mirror.

At some point that lady over there on the couch went into the kitchen to pour more balsamic in the bowl into which she was dipping her bread. "So do you actually like anyone this season?" she asked. As my chair is next to the kitchen, it was easy to turn my head from all the hammering to answer, "I like the guy who always wears the floppy hat. He seems nice and doesn't dress like a fool, aside from all the American Apparel deep v-necks."

Little did I know that I was about to bid farewell to Floppy. Because I drifted in and out of sleep during the episode, sitting fully upright in my chair, to catch glimpses of copper bodices, trashbag pants and an unfortunate washer bikini that actually deserved to go home before Floppy. So even though I didn't get the full effect of the disasters that ensued, I feel that I was drunk enough to adequately judge. I'll miss you Floppy. As such, let's move on.

SIDEBAR #1: "I love that guy. I mean, he's so annoying, but I love listening to his voice. He's like Blanche DuBois." - That Lady Over There On the Couch; "I think he's more like Suzanne Sugarbaker. And not in a good way." - Me.

EARTH, WIND & FIRE CHALLENGE: Let's start the episode with a performance that is as scripted and as wooden as the commercial episode of America's Next Top Model. Thanks, Philip Carreon. I've really found my inspiration in the natural world.

Now, while the designers are sketching or shopping or something, let's talk. (Wait, are you really being inspired by a shark? Do you really...oh, never mind.) I don't think I realized before now that the women are all fairly normal and don't dress like costume designers. Whereas all of the men (excepting NeckStars and Suzanne Sugarbaker, who have their own signature looks that have not yet annoyed me) dress like gay hobos from Cleveland (apologies to Cleveland - to be fair, I've never been to Cleveland - I'm sure it's very nice). I will say right now that I am putting my foot down. NO MORE CUT OFF JEAN SHORTS. Seriously, Igor, you're on national TV. Put on some normal pants (or if you must, at least shorts with a hem) and maybe something with SLEEVES. Sweater set? I'm talking to you too. Just because you roll them up, that doesn't make it ok. And if I see you flopping around in those dirty white flops for one more week...I'm going to visibly cringe. Everyone else? Stop with the tapered pants/shorts/douchescarves. I. JUST. CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

SIDEBAR #2: "I want her to to look like she's enveloped in laughter." What? What the hell does that mean? God, there is not enough vodka in the world for this.

God. Please stop saying "laughter." Do you realize every time you spout that idiocy I have to take a drink and close my eyes to contain myself. Although I can't give you laughter, I would like to show you what it looks like to be enveloped in anger and thirst. (You know, I would like to, but the time spent looking for my camera would be more productive spent mixing a bloody mary.)

Oh Tim. Leave it to you to make everything better for me. "You look like you're in the middle of a Make It Work moment." Tim, combined with the sweet nectar that is Belvedere has made it possible for me to stomach this runway show.

Wow, that's a lot of grey. But Heidi made it worth it with her "your shark teeth came back to bite you" line. And with her "Amy...you're in." Because that's the way this episode needed to end.

LAUGHTER COUNT: 7 (that's too many for one 40 minute episode)

SIDEBAR #3: And because my Tivo cut off most of the preview for next week, I'm going to imagine what I hope will happen. Let's start with Heidi telling the designers that Tim is going to meet them in the Designer's Lounge. And then Tim sits them down and says "OK designers, we're going to go out into the city. But first we're going to shake things up. Behind me you'll see a number of bags from the Gap. It is my pleasure to tell you that all of the men are going to change out of their skinny jeans and put on something normal. Because we can't have you swanning around in public in what you're wearing now. And then we'll go to Mood!"

That would be great.

NEIGHBORHOOD TEAM CHALLENGE: Damn it NeckStar, I gave you a bye last week. And then you had to go and ruin it with the pink skinny. Way to dash my dreams about how this episode would go. Time for a refill.

The one saving grace of these team episodes is the drama. There's more fighting than a hockey game. Sadly, there are also more flip flops than a hockey game. Personally, I'd rather be at a hockey game right now.

You know what else you don't see at a hockey game? Jodhpurs. But somehow we apparently need to see them every season. Poor Tim tries to help, this year even going so far as to say "Are Nina and Heidi going to ask what woman wants to be wider there?" Designers. Listen to Tim. He always knows what's right.

I love Molly Sims. She's a terrible actress, but I totally believe that she will show up in US Weekly wearing that hat. And the lines? "That tank...no." "It looked like Lower East Side." Beautiful.

I'm wondering if the men on this show choose unflattering clothes for themselves (Suzanne Sugarbaker - I'm talking to you about that cardigan - and those pink shorts that Jonathan is rocking? Not good news.) because they are so focused on how clothes look on women. Or else they just have bad taste. Hard to call.

Top 2 groups? Yeah. Good stuff. That lady over there on the couch says she would wear any of those things. Also? It's after noon, so she has switched to whiskey. She knows how to do things right.

Bottom 2 groups? We like the Upper East Side looks, with the exception of the darkened nipples on the evening look. But they are easily better than that tank top. Are you kidding? Are we expected to believe that you were going for asymmetry? I could sew better than that. Even after a morning of drinking.

SIDEBAR #4: Does anyone else think Heidi looks really weird on the cover of Marie Claire?

The Verdict: The two winners totally deserved it. But Flops should have been given the boot over Amy. Or both of them should have gone. I will be damned if Flops makes it to the top 3.

NEXT WEEK: Emilio doesn't ever listen to Tim? Great. See my advice above.

Have a great weekend kids. See you on Tuesday for Idol.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 12 Results: The Day Simon Calls Ryan Out

OK friends, it's St. Patrick's Day. I've had two bottles of wine and some green cider. And I may or may not be eating garlic bread. Don't judge me. Yeah, the elimination happened four hours ago, but I don't care. Sometimes these things take precedent.

CAMEOS: David Cook - Yes. I love when past Idols come back and show the contestants how it should be done. Bring it.

Orianthi: Oh no. Awesome guitar, obviously. (Shirtless, take a lesson.) But not so much on the singing. It's not like these phrases are terribly long. Maybe you could take bigger breaths before you start to sing? I can feel relief in the fact that I got this song as a free I-Tunes single before you blew up the radio. And made me want to fast forward through this performance.

Ke$ha: Where to begin? Well, the one thing I will say is that I enjoy anyone who rocks it drunk. And by "rocks it" I mean "struts around on stage in an Indian headdress."

SIDEBAR #1: Don't sing, Dawg.

BOTTOM 3: YNKL. Yes. Fauxfron. Ok. Pink Shampoo. Yes. And yes, I knew Tim would be sent back. Ask that lady next to me on the couch.

SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, McDonalds. I just got that stupid Filet O' Fish song out of my head. Where it has remained for the past two weeks. You suck.

JUDGES SAVE: I swear, if Simon doesn't stop pimping Paige, I will start to get riled up. I'd almost rather she went home now. But at least we didn't really have to worry about the judges keeping Shampoo around. See you in the salon, Lacey. Good job, America.

FAREWELL SONG: I haven't mentioned this before, but this is my favorite Will Young song. Good job, Simon.

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 12: The Day Simon Buys a New Sweater

Yes. I neglected to write anything about the third semi-final round. And about the Top 12. You know why? Because I am sad. I am sad to have lost Alex Lambert and Katelyn Epperly. That's right - I'm so sad that I'm not even giving them some sort of snarky nickname (even though they're only created out of love). I won't go so far as to say "This is the worst season of Idol ever!" because I'm tired of hearing that every year. This season has its good and its bad - just like every other season. Did some good people go home? Yes. Did some people who should have gone home stick around? Yes. Oh well. Let's get to the judgment for our first finals round.

Big Poppa (Miss You) The first thing I notice, aside from your wallet chain (what's with you and the wallet chains this year, stylists? Stoppit.) and your weird sleeveless thing/tapered jeans, is your inexplicable tribute to Scott Stapp. We do not need to stand like the cross. Ok, that notwithstanding, and without me liking the Rolling Stones very much at all, this was a good performance. As Kara surprisingly eloquently put it (ugh, I'm quoting Kara) you were full of swagger, style and attitude.

SIDEBAR #1: Woah Ryan, settle down. That was kind of bordering on inappropriate.

Crazy Cat Lady (Play With Fire) Yes. This was Didi's best performance since Hollywood week. Although I will have to argue with Ellen that the word "fire" was actually spread out over four syllables. The only thing I will complain about is the song (sorry, Mick): it just reminds me of "Walk Through the Fire" from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling. Yes, that was written after this song, but I like it better. So there.

The Shirtless Wonder (It's All Over Now) - This is what Constantine was trying to be: sexy and rocker, except it just came off creepy and Broadway. But SW is pulling it off, with a little help from some awesome guitar skills. And it helps that you're from the south - you're going to reel in the votes. I say Top 6. (But I'll agree with Simon just a little bit - there could definitely have been more. Get yourself a cordless pickup and rock the stage Bo Bice-style.)

SIDEBAR #2: I love you, Ellen.

Pink Shampoo (Ruby Tuesday) - Sorry Nikki (and I brought this up last season with Charo - Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin) your hair is not going to cover up the fact that you're not terribly engaging on stage and your voice just gets swallowed up in that big space, especially when you are flat. The swaying hands completely covered you up. Simon's right - you have to try something new if we don't want another Rockin' Robin situation on our hands. Oh, PS: I didn't love the string quartet, and really don't understand that corset.

SIDEBAR #3: I hate when The Dawg says "best of the night so far" when there have been only three performances.

Gangsta Gokey (Gimme Shelter) - Wallet. Chain. Come on. That's all I am remembering from this performance, except for the fact that I did not like it. This was the opposite of intense. (Oh thanks, Kara, for taking the words out of my mouth. Rude.)

Rory Waldorf (Wild Horses) - What the hell? Are those wings? Oh. Never mind. Anyway. I feel that I've said this before. I love a nice alto voice. But I only love it when it sings the low notes really well. And this low stuff was not great. Higher notes? Yes, they were better. But still not my favorite.

Abs Fauxfron (Under My Thumb) - I'm going to ignore your weird Jason Mraz/reggae version of this song (or maybe that's the way the original sounds, but I doubt it) and just focus on your biceps in the tight henley. (Good job on this one, stylists.) Oh, except that's all there is. I suppose, props for a different arrangement - but Mraz would rock this hardcore. And you did not.

Big Love (Paint It Black) - No, I have not yet forgiven you for your poor McPheever impersonation two weeks ago. I'm also not going to forgive you for your combat boots/prom dress combo. Or the fact that this arrangement was already by Vanessa Carlton. And she didn't sound like she needed a Claritin D. Your screechy high notes are only going to get you so far in this competition.

SIDEBAR #4: Judges - no. Even you, Simon. No. That was not good.

My Main Man (Beast of Burden) - Although I don't love this song as a song, as a performance it totally worked for me. I would buy this as a single...but I don't know that I'd play it over and over again. Simon's right - rock it out next week. For me, ok? Please?

You're No Kimberley Locke (Honky Tonk Woman) - Kimberley would have rocked this Band of Gold style. I disliked the performance even more than I dislike your leggings/safari extravaganza. And I'm not going to spend any more time on it. (Oh and Ellen? Yes - we can tell she was struggling.)

Mini Situation (Angie) - FYI: My friend Erica selected this name based solely on the spike. And then you got rid of it in favor of an Ellen fauxhawk. That's just rude. Anyway. Is that a leather shirt, Situation? I can't even...the hair, the out of rhythm shaking of the hips...never mind. It sounds fine. I'm not...Ugh.

SIDEBAR #5: Crying dad. Come on producers, did Ginger really need the help?

Ginger Vitis (You Can't Always Get What You Want) - OK fine. I'm on board. I just needed you to really rock it out Jewel-style. But remember - Jewel never fixed her teeth. Whiten all you want, but don't forget where you came from, Ginger.

SIDEBAR #6: You got it Ellen. Less thinking. More drinking. BRB.

SHOULD GO: YNKL (Paige) or Pink Shampoo (Lacey)
WILL GO: Pink

Tomorrow night - An appearance by Cook! Bring it!

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 20 Girls: The Day Ryan Defies All Logic By Saying the Word "Yudges"

Seriously, Ryan? What was that? It seems that each episode starts with more and more reasons to make me say "Whaaaaa?" Maybe the producers are trying to get me drunk before the madness even starts. Because if The Dawg's incessant use of the words "hot" and "yo" doesn't make you pick up the glass, Kara's inexplicably gigantic ponytail will.

Ginger Vitis/Tough Cookie (Crystal Bowersox) - "Long As I Can See The Light" by CCR: Is this hammond week? Not that I'm complaining. But come on, Rickey. Let's mix it up a bit, OK? As phase one of the makeover begins, Ginger starts with some teeth whitening (hence the attempt to transition away from week 1's label) and some excellently applied makeup, resulting in a decidedly Jewel Kilcher look. And as we all know, I'm a huge fan of the Jewel. (Shut up.) Awesome performance as always, Ginger. Next week, how about some "Love and Gravy?"

SIDEBAR #1: "Misunderestimated?" Simon?

Way Too Smiley Cyrus (Haeley Vaughn) - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus: Uh...it's no surprise that you make flowered headbands. And it's no surprise that you decided to rock the Miley, because you're, what? 16? (Don't think I didn't notice the other teenager in the group singing along from up on high.) When this first started off, I was enjoying the control - although I paused to say "Come on, can't you hit that high note?" Oh. I see. Never mind. Stick to making headbands.

Shampoo Girl (Lacey Brown) - "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer: Let's get the technical stuff out of the way, so I can go refill my screwdriver (btw, I'm watching this in the AM). Not a great starting note, and you really need some breath support. Sixpence music doesn't feature particularly complex phrasing, so you should be able to make it through each line without losing steam. Still, karaoke aside (ugh, I'm agreeing with The Dawg) this wasn't a bad performance. But don't forget - even TMB had some good weeks. Remember that as you're dialing, America.

SIDEBAR #2: Damn it, Kara. Now she's going to sing REM next week.

Blair Waldorf (Katie Stevens) - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Ray: I love me some alto. Just stay down there and develop your lower notes. Yeah yeah, Dawg, she can sing the higher notes too, but let's listen to something different.

SIDEBAR #3: Seacrest, stop trying to pimp Justin Bieber. I'm sure he hearts you.

Crazy Cat Lady (Didi Benami) - "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers: Uh...was the beginning of the verse all weird to anyone else? This was a strange attempt to try and mimic Brooke/Barefoot Potbelly from a couple of years ago. You know who gives you the best advice? Ellen. Because she said exactly what I'd said as this performance began: "I wish this had been Lovely Day." Your vocal quality is awesome - get back behind your guitar and find some better songs.

Leo-not-a Lewis (Michelle Delamor) - "Arms Wide Open" by Creed: Don't judge me. I totally have this cd. I don't care when you say - you can't help but enjoy some Scott Stapp. But let's talk, Leonota. This song is about a man finding out he's about to be a father. I bet you don't understand what that's like. And you left the mic stand without making the sign of the cross even once. Epic fail.

Bride of Frankenstein (Lily Scott) - "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke: Come on Season 9. Did none of you watch last year's final performance episode with Kris and Adam? In but one week, we've covered both of their "meaningful" songs. And not that these songs can't be touched anymore...just give us some more space, ok? Oh. The song is over. It was fine. Good, even. Points for rocking the twelve string. And for all the other instruments.

Why are the judges going so crazy for this? Was it more awesome than I remember? Maybe I'll rewind.

Nope. Thanks for validating my opinion, Simon.

90210 Naomi (Katelyn Epperly) - "The Scientist" by Coldplay: Yeeeeeeessss. Sure, a bit too slow, and there were no T's at the end of your phrases, but this is by far my favorite performance of the night. The slowness worked to your advantage - it showed America that you really can sing. Natasha Bedingfield does a nice cover of this, so I was nervous...and you more than rocked it, Naomi. Well done. (P.S. I hope you've been to the Carlos O'Kelly's in WDSM. Then we can be friends.)

SIDEBAR #4 - "I loved that you played the guitar." Oh Ellen. Thanks for bringing us back a little bit of Paula.

SIDEBAR #5 - Simon and I are on the same page today. But of course he knows about Natasha's version.

Paige Miles - "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson: This is one of my favorite Kelly songs. And the beginning was pretty darn good. The end? Not so much. But. I can kind of see why Simon says you have a great voice. It's just not showing up much right now. You might be in trouble this week. The Idol voters do not take kindly to people who attempt to channel Kelly. As such, I am not going to spend time figuring out a witty name for you. Instead, I will go freshen up this bloody mary.

Mohawk Glass Blower (Siobhan Magnus) - "Think" by Aretha Franklin: *jaws clenched* No. Don't tamper with my McPheever. I'm going to sit here with my arms crossed.

.....

Nice note at the end, but I'm not buying it. And I just listened to McPheever's live performance. She had peaks and valleys and sass and soul. Mohawk? No.

SHOULD GO: Smiley/Shampoo
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Paige/Blair/Leonota
WILL GO: Shampoo/Paige

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 20 Guys: The Day Ginger Vitis Got Sick

I've always wondered why they continue to make the girls go first each week. This is a nice change, one that I'm sure Ginger somehow planned. (I wrote that before Seacrest's announcement. Not that I feel bad for saying that she planned it - but feel better soon, Ginger!)

That said - this could be a mess. Much like Big Poppa lifting the small child in his clip montage. Wow. We're off to a good start.

Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) - "This Is a Man's World" by James Brown: Any song that prominently features a hammond is going to be a good time. No, this performance didn't show a ton of vocal range - but it was the absolute best way to start out this show. (I actually just had to delete the phrase "Rock on, Big Poppa!" I'm sorry I even thought it.) Ha! Pedicure. Winning.

Dead Eyes Undershirt (John Park) - "Gravity" by John Mayer: Remember what I said about the hammond? I lied. This was not a good time. The thing about John Mayer - he's really floppy on stage, but he makes it seem so effortless. Not only was this just as dead as last week, but it (wow, I'm quoting the Dawg) was nowhere near as good as the original. And that's what I want here. Change it up, dude. Make it sound like something new. Repeating the word "gravity" a few times in a bar that was meant to be full of rests is not enough.

The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) - "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw: The fact that I knew what song you were going to played simply by Ryan naming the list of previous contestants who have sung it, means one of two things: A) This song needs to be retired or B) I watch too much Idol. And ok, the axe is a nice touch, but you're missing the vocal awesomeness of an Elliot or a Bo. Hold on to that guitar - you're going to need it.

SIDEBAR #1: Did Kara just call herself a cougar? When she has her hair all blown out like that? Inappropriate.

Mullet Bieber/Lucky To Be Here (Alex Lambert) - "Everybody Knows" by John Legend: Let's just breeze past the mention of vomit/your weird secret language/that plaid jacket. With a slight pause at the mullet (come on stylists - work your magic), I'll say that this was pretty darn good, especially after last week. You have a great vocal quality. Bring it - but don't give us that questionable final note, ok? Just keep it up - stick around for another week or two.

SIDEBAR #2: I love that Ellen keeps bringing up both the banana and the mullet. I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I need more chardonnay.

So You Think You Can Dance (Todrick Hall) - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner: You don't want to be compared to Tina? Don't sing it in her octave. God, you might as well be wearing fringe. And what's with singing female songs two weeks in a row and giving it some sort of weird R&B "arrangement"? I need you to step it up, because you have to stick around longer than DB Bus Driver. (However, I do not need this enough to vote for you.) Stoppit.

Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) - "What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye: Onesy and White Sox hat. God. I'm done...Nope. Wait - there's more. Please learn to freaking talk: you are making Joliet look worse than it already does. Ohhhhhh. Why do you keep giving me ammunition? Skinny jeans/bow tie/fauxhawk/Ann Taylor cardigan. I just can't even...ok fine. You're a better singer than SYTYCD. But that doesn't mean you're good. Stop with the slapdashery and the runs and nonsense.

Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) - "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison: The thing about James Morrison is that he's not usually flat. Like you were for this entire performance. I'm willing to forgive the scarf. But not the flatness. We're expecting better out of you. Much much better than this.

SIDEBAR #3 - Man everyone is really lovin' on the James Morrison. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy - but two songs in two weeks? Weird. Unless they're trying to get him as a guest. (If that's true, producers - please bring in Nelly Furtado too - that duet is killer.)

SIDEBAR #4 - I would kill for some chips and salsa right now.

Chicken Little 2.8 (Aaron Kelly) - "My Girl" by The Temptations: Was that? Wait. Was that? Almost...sexy? It could be the chardonnay talking. Normally I'm not a fan of chardonnay. It's usually a little too oaky for my taste. I expect my white wine to have a bit of sweetness. Much like I expected this performance to be sweeter and more...childlike. Either that or I could have enjoyed a cute "Part Time Lover" sort of vibe - something where we spend a majority of our time saying "Oh can you believe he sang that?" Don't throw things off by singing well and performing well and...oh fine. Whatever.

Zac FauxFron (Tim Urban) - "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson: Wise - staying away from all the falsetto notes in this song. Also wise? The tight t-shirt. Because after all the shirtless and the popwatch and the publicity - you're through to the next round. Yes - this wasn't much better than that one guy I heard at the Potbelly that one time. But it was still way better than last week.

The Recipient of Most of My Votes (Lee Dewyze) - "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder: Good song. Relevent. Modern. And I'm forgiving all of your floppy knit caps, because you're my number one guy right now. Please don't let me down. Don't let Chicago down. DON'T LET US DOWN. No pressure.

SIDEBAR #5: Thank god Bo Bice pioneered the "walking around with the mic stand" movement. Otherwise, what would all the rockers do on this stage?

SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver & SYTYCD
SHOULD BE WORRIED: Dead Eyes Undershirt & Straight Up Gangsta
WILL GO: Dead Eyes & SYTYCD

Continue Reading

American Idol Top 24: Results

Just like every season, the first two episodes have set the bar pretty low. True, soon we'll separate the wheat from the chaff, but it's still going to be a long two weeks. Let's get into it, so I can get to the bar.

GROUP SONG: "American Boy" by Estelle. I'm going to say something bold. This might be the best group song I've ever heard on the Idol. Tight harmonies, good blend in each group, but without sounding like Clash of the Choirs. And until the step touch nonsense. Maybe the key this season is to only listen and not watch.

JUDGMENT: The bathrobe clip really just took precedence over anything I could make fun of. Sorry team.

CAMEOS: I love seeing Idol alums. It's amazing how much they can grow in less than a year. But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of them.

Allison Iraheta: Oh Charo, I've missed you and your craziness. And your cd is pretty darn good for the most part. But let's talk fashion. What are those rings? And what is that thing crawling up your back? If I didn't know that Invasion had been canceled years ago, I would be concerned that you're being taken over by some sort of alien. And don't try to tell me that it's part of the dress. I'm not that stupid.

Kris Allen: Although I would like MMM to shave off that little mustache, it's pretty hard to argue with images from Haiti. OK. I'll buy your song.

RESULTS: Janell Wheeler (sad...but I get it: don't sing Heart in the semis) & Eva Mendes (and yeah - don't sing a song by a Simon protege). It's all about song choice, kids.

Who? (Who?) & Constantine: The Reckoning (seriously, just call Maroulis' agent)
Continue Reading

American Idol Top 24 Guys: The Day Ryan Forgets To Say "Idol"

Randy: "The girls blew it out last night." Great. If that was blowing it out, we're in for some disaster tonight.

So You Think You Can Dance (Toddrick Hall) "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson - Performance: fine. Singing: Mess. Don't take my favorite Kelly song and create that monstrosity. And don't freaking start off by talking. You are not Janet Jackson.

Kevin Covais (Aaron Kelly) "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts: Guess what? Wearing an untucked plaid shirt does not qualify you to sing a country song. And fast forward.....wait. Why is Simon saying that you're good? And so is Kara? What happened in that 50 seconds that I breezed through? Rewinding....oh, OK. So there were a few really good notes there near the end. And thank the sweet lord you didn't try to rock the high note. Fine. You can chicken little it up for one more week.

SIDEBAR #1: The lady next to me on the couch is currently going into convulsions. She did not care for that performance. Either that or she's having a seizure. Hard to say.

Douchebag Bus Driver (Jermaine Sellers) "Get Here" by Oleta Adams: Neck tattoo, skinny jeans, Glambert boots, satin flower and a tux jacket with tails...waaaaiiiiiiit! What was that sound? Did someone step on my cat?

Sampson (Tim Urban) "Apologize" by One Republic: It might be a bit too early to rock this song after MatthewsMayerMraz rocked it so hardcore last season. And if you're not actually good at falsetto...maybe you shouldn't try a song that features it prominently in the chorus. You're lucky to be here. Think.

SIDEBAR #2: It wasn't a seizure. Don't worry.

Who? (Joe Munoz) "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz: This isn't bad per se, but it's like listening to Marc Anthony sing a really good song. And that scarf isn't doing you any favors. Have you seen Mraz in concert? He is awesome. That? Not awesome. Best of the night, Kara? Eh.

SIDEBAR #3: Thanks Dawg...I was worried we wouldn't hear "For me for you" for a while this season.

Constantine: The Reckoning (Tyler Grady) "American Woman" by The Guess Who: Don't worry kid. You've got a job as an understudy in Rock of Ages.

SIDEBAR #4: Ugh. We're only halfway through.

MMM 2.0 (Lee Dewyze) "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol: I'm pretty sure I've seen this before. And his name is Kris Allen. Luckily for you, I like Kris Allen (and so does America). I don't think those random flat notes are going to send you home this week. And Chicago pride requires me to root for you. See you next week.

Dead Eyes (John Park) "God Bless the Child": McPheever, you're not. Nor are you a bass. So don't try to hit those low notes. And stop with the freaking runs. Sorry, I don't care if you're from Chicago. You're not getting my vote.

Big Poppa (Michael Lynche) "This Love" by Maroon 5: I'm having a hard time finding something wrong with this. You know, aside from the wretched backup singers. Glad to see you've saddled us with those chicks again this season, producers.

Mullet Bieber (Alex Lambert) "What a Wonderful World" by James Morrison: Sure, you've got a unique sound. But you need a haircut. (Please, don't take hair advice from Ellen.) And if you want to keep calling Simon "Sir," then you just do it.

The Shirtless Wonder (Casey James) "Heaven" by Bryan Adams: You know this bring to mind a question: How far would Bo Bice have gone if he weren't up against Carrie? Maybe we'll see.

SIDEBAR #5: Man, I'd forgotten how long these semi-final episodes are. I miss Paula.

Straight Up Gangsta (Andrew Garcia) "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy: It's interesting to actually understand the lyrics to a Fall Out Boy. Those dudes are weird. Now I'm not a guitar expert. But if you capo that low, you don't have much room to move around. And maybe that's why you lost your place halfway through the song.

SHOULD GO: Douchebag Bus Driver, So You Think You Can Dance, Dead Eyes

WILL GO: Constantine: The Reckoning & Who?

Man, I need some more scotch.

Continue Reading