Oh children. I threw my arms in the air in triumph/amazement so many times last night, I think I sprained something. (Don't worry - I'm still able to hold a glass.) The only way I could have been happier with this week's episode is if it had also featured the impending "it happens to every guy" scene.
KPTN
Day: Wow, way to lay it all out on the line. You're pretty much promising that you're not going to propose. Did you forget the point of this show? You're supposed to get down on one knee, then spend the next three months talking on the phone and never seeing your fiancée, then you appear on TV and in US Weekly as a happy new couple before you break up and spread the news to your fans via Facebook. And then Mary and Byron will get in another domestic squabble, but I understand - that's not something you can really control.
Sorry - back to the date. Flamenco? Really? As an avid castanets player, I support this endeavor, but it becomes clear very, very quickly that although she "loves to dance", JHo has zero rhythm. Notice how the camera shifts every time she starts to move into the frame while clapping? Sad. But the real question here is, with the later reveal that the zipper would not go up on KPTN's pants, did he just leave his fly down the whole time and hope that the sash covered it? Awkward.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. When did this become an episode of Survivor? KPTN, if you don't want to eat the escargot (thanks Jillian, for bringing up the slugs in your Canadian backyard) you don't have to. But it's clearly a turn-on (creepy) when JHo says you remind her of her dad. I would say something about the look of hope/lust in your eyes when Chris's letter arrives immediately after, but your style of cuddling makes me uncomfortable, so I'm going to skip it.
LAMETOWN
Day: You know Lame, I think I've been unnecessarily hard on you. Yes, you're kind of boring, and yes you're all about the hemming and the hawing ("You smell good?" Is that really what you wanted to say?), but when you get down to it, I can tell you're falling for JHo. Either that or you're frightened at the massive unopened jar of olives sitting on the table behind her head.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Creepy appetizer, check. Awkwardly saying everything except "I love you," check. But JHo might actually get a proposal out of this one, so she's playing it safe. (Cue the crestfallen look on our suitor.) Just more making out at the table.
CHICAGO ED
Day: What. Is. With. All. The. Kissing? Seriously? In the fountain? America doesn't need you kids breaking trespassing laws just so you can get a good shot of making out in the water. Do you see those people staring at you? They're just trying to decide which one of them should call the police.
Anyway - Is anyone else wondering how Ed suddenly got the go-ahead to come back to the show? And has he always been billed as a technology "consultant"? Is this a new job? And if it's not, why did he previously have a boss that could tell him what to do? All the consultants I know work from the beach and laugh on their way to the bank. And apparently go to karaoke. (If he had taken her to Trader Todd's, I would have immediately given him cool points, but I have a feeling it would have been Howl at the Moon. Oh well.) All of that notwithstanding, Ed doesn't get that Jillian is asking him to tell her that she's a priority. Come on, Ed. Give her what she wants.
Oh right. What she wants is your tongue down her throat. Check.
Night: Untucked button down shirt, check. Wait. What's with the jacket, Ed? They don't sell stuff like that in Chicago. But what's this? You can see them being together for a long, long time? It's not those three little words, but it's close enough. Because somehow when the room key arrives, Jillian's plans are thwarted when Ed convinces her to "hang out" in the fantasy suite. Way to work it, Ed - even if you did make my eyes roll with your "You're my favorite part about Spain" line.
THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY DOUCHEBAG: I have to admit, I spent this whole section of the show not breathing. I didn't want to believe that the producers would lead us astray with the whole "my girlfriend, ahem, ex-girlfriend" bit. And they did not disappoint. This date was magical from beginning (TGIACDB informing us that since he had a song from his "second" cd go to number one in Mexico, he appreciates Spanish people - awesome) to end ("Let's skip it" - more awesome). (Except for the spilling of the beer - bad form.) Personally, my favorite part was when the card from Chris arrived and TGIACDB actually said "I think we should, actually." If I hadn't just refilled, I would have jumped off the couch in incredulosity. Oh Jillian. Thank you for not beating around the bush and being polite. I know I've said it once, but it bears repeating: "Let's skip it." Winning.
SIDEBAR #1 - Where the hell is Chris this week? I forsee disaster.
ROSE CEREMONY: TGIACDB, can you just wear a regular suit like everyone else? Why do you make me sing that "One of these things is not like the other" song every week? Oh well - it fits right in with Jillian's Bjork-esque bird outfit.
Wow. DB is really going for broke. Planning on having lots of sex, are you? Hot. I really thought one of the other guys might haul off and punch him. And maybe someone did - seems like the kind of thing that might be saved for the Men Tell All special.
SIDEBAR #2 - Wait! How do we know this is the last rose? Chris, where are you?
Ha. It's nice to make KPTN wait until the end. Oh the suspense!
SIDEBAR #3 - See? No one told DB to say his goodbyes, and chaos ensues. Chris is clearly the glue that holds this train wreck together.
TGIACDB'S LIMO RANT: Wow. Just...wow. The scotch makes you sloppy. Enjoy your Austin groupies. And your Mexican fans. Whom I'm sure can all be found in Spain.
NEXT WEEK: With DB gone, there's no more drama. I swear, if we don't get the "Trouble in Paradise" scene next week, I will be really riled up.
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Am Fully Convinced That The Writers On This Show Would Actually Prefer To Be Working On The Hills
I got about five texts during this episode all saying "Jillian Is a Ho." Except with more creative (and probably wine-induced) spelling. But I got news for you kids - hot tub or not - this was nothing. Come on, even Jillian is going to keep things fairly chaste when someone's mom is watching from the kitchen window.
Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
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Because that's just what we need to make things even crazier. Moms burying doves in the backyard. (Yeah. I watched The Bachelor too. And apparently so does KPTN's dad.)
OK, let's get down to business.
LAMETOWN, USA
OK, Lametown, we get it. You're a nice guy. After all, no one else had a venti double caff mocha extra foam (I have no idea if that's even possible - my drinks don't come in in a paper cup, if you know what I mean) all ready when JHo stepped out of the car. Good for you. But let's be honest - the aforementioned writers just put this into the script so you would have something to do when conversation screeched to a halt. Which it did in approximately 23.5 seconds. Quick! Cut to coffee!
SIDEBAR #1 - Lametown with glasses is way better than without. That chick on the train is crazy.
Sadly, the cup is empty sooner rather than later, and we have to head out to...condos that Lametown is selling? Have I stumbled into an episode of Property Virgins? Yes, the rooftop terrace is nice (and comes equipped with champagne!) but I'm concerned that it's a little far from public transit and the layout of the kitchen is just weird. I think we need to see another place before I make any offers.
Sorry. I got confused.
If there was any doubt that Lametown is a total wet blanket, his entire family pretty much tells JHo that he doesn't make any decisions on his own. But he's so nice! When he was 18, he opened doors for potential homebuyers! And their children! Don't forget how nice! And look! A surprise 30th birthday party! Completely impromptu! Because he's so nice! Nice!
Settle down, Mama Lametown. We get it.
BREAKDANCE
OK, Floppy. A few things. 1. Tuck in the back of your shirt. 2. Stop jumping up and down like a kid who forgot to take his Ritalin. 3. You had stubble? Really? I don't think so.
Need we remind you? HE'S 25. And HE TEACHES BREAKDANCING FOR A LIVING. (For the rest of my life I will roll my eyes whenever I hear the phrase "break dance instructor." But I digress.)
But seriously. Does anyone see any hint of romantic chemistry here? It's like watching someone visit their next door neighbor. Or their next door neighbor's dog. Come on. STOP BOUNCING AROUND.
KPTN
That's right, I refuse to actually acknowledge this dude's name. It's not even a word. But the moment we meet his parents, I can fully understand what it's all about. Oh funny. Caution tape around the hottub! Ha! Which is not nearly as funny as watching KPTN's mom tell JHo that she is going to take a test. A wine test. And a lasagna test? Wait. You were going down this great snobby road which was making Jillian feel like a "hillbilly" and then you ruin it with your ulta-classy...lasagna? Hm. Suddenly the snobbery doesn't feel so justified.
SIDEBAR #2 - What would I do in a similar situation? I don't eat lasagna. Would I be bold and tell KPTN's mom that I wasn't taking her stupid lasagna test, but I would be happy to drink more of the wine? Or would I choke something down? Hard to say.
You know the writing is on the wall when she throws out the rest of the "crappy" wine. Hey now. Jillian doesn't play that way. That's just wasteful. And while we're on the subject of disturbing, how was Mama KPTN able to turn "unconditional love" into a bad thing - complete with poorly chosen Tammy Wynette lyrics?
Jillian, get out while you can. You can have plenty of hottub fun with the other guys.
WINE COUNTRY
Is it me, or does WC's brother look a lot like a bigger version of Keith Urban? I would spend more time thinking about this date, but after WC answers a reasonable question with the unintelligible "honey boo bear" (I mean, what the hell is that? Really?) I realize that Jillian's love of wine is not enough to make this happen. Too bad.
THANK GOD I'M IN A COUNTRY BAND'S SECOND FAMILY
Besides, the lack of drama in the previous date only makes Austin that much more exciting. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't help but hope that TGIIACB was going to introduce Jillian to his wife and three kids. Oh wait. It's just his band. Singing what I'm sure he hopes will be his first single. They're not that -
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I SWEAR IF I EVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT JILLIAN SONG ABOUT LOVE AGAIN I WILL CUT OFF MY EARS!
SIDEBAR #3 - I'm pretty sure I made a similar idle threat the last time this happened. I should really follow through with my promises, eh? And if we're talking fair, I should probably finish a recap by Tuesday morning too. Oh well.
THE RETURN OF SO YOU WANT TO BE A PILOT
Much like the oft-previewed return of Deanna, this was exciting. Until it actually happened. How did I know this was going to be completely lame? Maybe when we saw the scene when SYWTBAP pretended to call Footsie to be sure he was doing the right thing. (Yeah, that's who I'm going to call for advice.) What? You don't think Footsie was actually on the phone? Shocking.
This was really just an excuse to show Jake in his pilot uniform and to give us his best impression of a Jason-esque railing cry. God, that's good. OK, I'm back in this.
The scripting was also pretty evident during the Pilot/Country exchange. I would type it out word for word, but then some high school student is going to happen upon it and use it for a duet scene in forensics. That's how good this writing is, kids.
TGIIACB's FIRST FAMILY
I would totally believe that CB hired his entire family to convince JHo that he was honest. And nice. And honest. He's so bad at lying. Laurel who? That's crazy.
Oh my god, Jillian, if you keep this tool around I am going to visibly cringe.
SIDEBAR #4: Did anyone else remember when Chicago Ed's picture was not taken away, but placed on a special table of honor that now clearly meant "He Who Comes Back In Argyle Sweater"?
CHICAGO ED!
That's right! He's back! And I'm pretty sure that sweater is from Target, because I'm wearing the same one in brown. Somehow it's reassuring to know that Ed and I shop at the same stores. Because I've missed him. Ed, if you hadn't left, maybe there wouldn't have been so much freaking floppiness in the past few episodes (yeah, I'm talking to you, BreakDance). But I forgive you, even if your "I want another chance" sounds about as natural as Whitney apologizing to LC. (To be fair, I don't know if they ever had a fight, or if they were even on the same show. But I read US Weekly, so I do know those are real names. I think.)
Jillian, if you make me go through this and then don't bring him back, I am done.
Rose Ceremony: Wow, Lametown is first? KPTN even after his family makes JHo feel like a slutty country bumpkin? Oh good - Chicago Ed is in. Wait. TGIIACB?! Seriously?! Even BreakDance would be more tolerable than this.
Oh Jillian. You disappoint me.
NEXT WEEK: Let's remember that in addition to next week's beautifully edited CB gaff "my girlfriend - I mean my ex-girlfriend" we get closer and closer to the overnight dates and the Situation That Shall Not Be Named. I'll be sure I have plenty of room for all the texts.
Continue Reading
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which the Upcoming Scandal Makes Up For Last Week's Snoozefest, Which Took Me a Full Week To Get Through
It's true. Last week was so freaking boring that I sat down to watch it no fewer than seven times. And every time I FELL ASLEEP. Note to the producers: Jillian rolling around in the snow and saying "aboat" every ten seconds does not a good episode make.
But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
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But for some reason, train rides are infinitely more interesting.
SIDEBAR #1: Break Dance is wearing flops. It's Canada. Everyone is wearing coats. Put on some damn shoes. And don't make me tell you again. (Incidentally, in my world of tivo, this is occurring scant hours after your whole pink sweater rose ceremony disaster, so you really have some splainin' to do.)
1 On 1 with Robbie: Come on, man, did you not see where this was going? She's asking you if you have any kind of plan for your life. Now, I'm not judging - I certainly have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my own life - but I'm not trying to find love on national tv, and besides, this is about you, not me. Jillian even tried to give you an out with the whole "You should open a bartending school" thing, but you shot that idea down like it was a Canadian grouse. (I have no idea if such a thing exists, if it flies, or if it is ever shot down, but that sounded, good, eh?) Sorry man, an intense kiss on the set of Brokeback Bachelor four episodes ago is not going to get you a hometown visit.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be left on the side of a mountain. Harsh.
SIDEBAR #2 - Does anyone else think the train announcer sounds like William Shatner?
Impromptu with Thank God I'm a Country Boy: This dude is lame. He's totally that guy who waits until a girl breaks up with someone so he can swoop in with a shoulder to cry on. Jillian, why are you falling for this nonsense? He's not even that good of a singer!
Group Date: Snowshoeing? Hide and Seek? Really? We're really trying hard to find things to do in Canada, eh? I'm glad Jake found you. He's a good guy, even if he does use the word "cuddle" too much.
Oh Footsie. Why are you so creepy? In everything you do? It was definitely too soon to bust out the phrase "Jillian found out that I'm blessed." I haven't had nearly enough wine for this.
SIDEBAR #3 - If Break Dance does not stop talking soon, I am going to call my friends who live in Astoria and make sure his ass gets kicked.
1 On 1 with Reid: Man, I want to root for you, but you can't ask advice from the stewardess (what are they called on trains?); you were closer with the Wine Steward - and his wisdom was good. Or that could just be the two glasses I had to chug after Footsie's fireplace extravaganza.
What's wrong with fondue? And why are you so freaked out about washing fruit? I may catch some sort of disease, but I will at least enjoy my apple.
SIDEBAR: #4 - While we're not on the subject at all, Jillian's dress at last week's rose ceremony was smokin'. This week, not so much.
Pre Rose Ceremony Questions: He's not giving you any answers. He's just panting on you like an eager puppy. Please, please send him home.
Rose Ceremony: WineGuy's a no-brainer. But TGIACB is still in it? Oh come on. And KEEPING THE CHILD INSTEAD OF JAKE? Good god, Jillian, are you insane?
A direct quote from my last recap: "The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #5 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives."
SIDEBAR #6 - Oh god, I love you even more. From the moment I saw the pilot's uniform walking down the hall, I knew that you were teasing me with more angst and drama, and that it would probably be nothing more than the brief snippet of confrontation that you showed us in the previews. But if Jake gets a chance to come back to the game? I would be really down for that. (After all, who doesn't love a judge's save once in a while?)
NEXT WEEK: Um. Awesome. Especially when the dad shows her the taped off hottub, followed closely by a sob story about a man who can't seal the deal on an overnight date. Oh Jillian, thank you for being so willing to jump in bed with everyone. I can't wait.
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Simultaneously Loathe Myself For Watching and Love Tivo For Letting Me Watch a Day Late
Seriously, every time I hear the words "Previously on The Bachelorette" I die a little bit inside. Do you know how much quality television is saved on my Tivo? And yet, I choose to spend two hours with this drivel. But then Chris Harrison promises something shocking (all it takes is a montage of fun, followed by an ominous "Then...") and I'm hooked again. Damn you, Bachelorette. Damn you for making me care.
1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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1 On 1 with Kiptyn: OK, there's something I need to say. Not only is "Kiptyn" not a name, it's not even spelled in a manner that would allow it to masquerade as such. It's clearly the product of a rich mom choosing the name of an old grandfather or uncle, but spelling it weird (come on - Kiptyn?) to be "different and unique." And this is why we end up with kids named Geoff or Dillan. Then again, more than ever I'm convinced that Jillian is going to name her firstborn "Sequoia", so it's probably a moot point.
Anyway. Way to make a stand for feminism, Jill. I'm sure it's every girl's dream to be cooking for her man, worrying that it won't turn out right, only to have him come up behind you and nuzzle your neck. If you said that to any of the girls I know, they might slap you. It's far more likely that their dream is to have the man (or better yet, a private chef) cook dinner confidently and then come nuzzle her neck after he's finished the dishes.
SIDEBAR #1 - I thought about counting how many times Jillian "I'm Not That Girl" kisses someone, but I realized during her date with Sequoia (it's better than his real "name") that I would run out of paper. And this is the time that I texted Molly "Man, Jillian's kind of a ho."
Group Date: Curling is just as absurd on The Bachelorette as it is in the Olympics. If these douches can semi-master the necessary skills in an afternoon, why am I wasting my time on three weeks of tennis lessons? At that rate, I could be on the Olympic curling team.
I started to write down everyone's names, but then I figured I could just look at the website. Nope - not helping. They all still look the same (which is making it difficult to come up with good nicknames). Except for -
Stupid Knit Hat With Brim
and
Flannel Newsboy Cap.
Oh my god, take those things off. You are not standing outside in a snowstorm. You are at a dinner table, with dudes wearing cuff links. What have I said about adrouchements? Stop it. Why is everyone on this show so into the hats? Did you see all of the fedoras that got busted out on the way to the airport? Come on.
Fine. Go with the winemaker. We all know you like the grapes.
SIDEBAR #2 - How could Jillian not want to kiss Scary Dave after he got all trucker mouth and complimented both her a*s and t*ts? Shocking. What you didn't hear after "I'm not that girl" was "who makes out with trash."
SIDEBAR #3 - Those were Jill's words, Dave, not mine. Please don't hurt me.
2 On 1 with Gel/Nose and Pizza: I know, not great, but it's all I've got because he's getting eliminated.
Oh wait. Good job, Jill. Way to keep the boring one who barely talked all night. GN was lame, sure, but at least he talked.
Cocktail Party: Put on a jacket, Cowboy. This isn't the 4-H potluck. And did Juan seriously interrupt another date? Jillian's fake eyelashes and poorly blended blush make it almost impossible to focus on what's going on. But I think Footsie tried to throw someone under the bus. Come on, man, if you're going to do it, just pony up and do it. It will put us all out of our misery.
Rose Ceremony: Hey, Bowler? I'm not convinced you know what the word "travesty" means. Don't use it anymore. Ever.
The producers are going to milk this "girlfriend" thing as long as possible, eh? (That's a nod to my Canadian friends, who are most likely not reading this note.) This reeks of the Deanna tease which kept me glued to my screen all last season. I hate you, ABC.
SIDEBAR #4 - Except I kind of love you. Thank you for bringing this show into our lives.
Elimination: What? That came out of nowhere. Lame.
NEXT WEEK: Any bets on whether we'll actually get to see Jillian breaking up with someone in their hotel room? Or is she knocking on that one dude's door? The one who said "We should try this in bed." Wow.
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Bachelorette: In Which I Strongly Consider Liposuction and/or a Chin Implant
Wow, nothing makes me feel quite as short and round as watching a bunch of dudes parading around with their shirts off. But then they start to bust out the flops and the stocking caps (It's summer. In LA. Come on.) and I start to direct my anger elsewhere.
One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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One-on-One date with Chicago Ed: Maybe it's hometown pride, maybe it's the fact that dude actually jumped off the side of that building (which, incidentally, no way in hell would I ever do) but I have a soft spot for Chicago Ed. I hope he does well.
SIDEBAR #1 - Wow, Jillian is kind of a ho. I don't think Jason kissed this many people this early in the season. Then again, I fast forwarded through half of the Bachelor, just waiting for Deanna to show up and cause drama (thanks for waiting till the last episode, ABC. Jerks.), so maybe I missed some stuff.
Group Date with eleven virtually identical guys: Wow, what a colossal waste of a day. Why not just dress up and stand for those sepia-toned old time-y photos? Because then I wouldn't have had to watch guys with no talent protest that they really like women right before they massacre a scene from Brokeback Mountain. But good for the little guy in the bowler. Picking Jillian up is clearly the way to her heart. Oh, by the way, I can't be bothered to make up nicknames for all of you, especially when I can't tell any of you apart. Maybe when we're down to the top six or something.
One-on-One date with Sasha: Wow, even the sympathy card didn't get you a rose? That's pretty harsh. But at least you got to drive a Ferrari. (Anyone else wonder if he was going to get pulled over for speeding?)
SIDEBAR #2: I started to name the country guy "Chris LeDouche" but when I hit the Wikipedia for some background on country singer Chris LeDoux, I found out he died of cancer in 2005. And that made me feel guilty. So I'm in search of another country-ish nickname. Anyone?
Serenade by Country Name TDB: Man, do you want Jillian, or do you want a record deal? Because if I have to hear the opening line of that damn song one more time, I am going to visibly cringe.
I'm one hour and eleven minutes into this episode. Man, these things are long.
Cocktail Party: Whoa, Juan interrupts things a lot doesn't he? And Jillian doesn't even notice. I wouldn't want to piss off Dave. I don't even want to give him a nickname, because he scares me.
SIDEBAR #3: Are all these dudes from Texas?
Footsie: Seriously dude, you're a joke.
The Showdown: Juan faked a shot? I missed that. Not cool, dude. That's a waste of perfectly good alcohol. (I know it runs like water at the Bachelor homestead, but still.) Special props to Bowler for verbally agreeing with everything Scary Dave said, but still clinking glasses afterward.
Rose Ceremony: Thank you producers, for making Jillian chose Scary Dave last. The sight of that vein popping out of his forehead and his right eyelid threatening to completely engulf his face were totally worth the wait.
Elimination: Come on man, don't say you're going to be a drifter and hang your head in shame. You're making Chicago look bad. It's a good thing we have Ed on our side.
NEXT WEEK: "I'm not that girl." What, the girl that kisses everyone? Um, Jillian? Yes you are.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Idol Finale - Live!
I'm watching this on a bit of delay for several reasons - A) I was out shopping; B) I needed to order some dinner; and C) My wine wasn't chilled yet. But don't worry, I've poured myself a nice big glass - let the madness begin!
7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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7:01 - All in white! It's good to know that some things never change.
7:03 - I appreciate the For Me For You montage...but why is Randy dressed like Carlton from the Fresh Prince? Or that one dude that always holds an umbrella for Outkast or whoever. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of the hip hop.
7:05 - Carrie!
7:06 - I spoke too soon. Dude, you couldn't just rock some white boots? You had to be all different, didn't you? Lame.
7:06 - And maybe could we get the sound fixed?
7:07 - Michaela is still doing these things? Wow.
7:08 - Carly!
7:09 - GROUP PERFORMANCE - "So What" by Pink - Aw, there's always one person who doesn't so much benefit from the all white dress code. Roughneck, this season it's you. sorry, man.
Interesting that the camera focuses on Dueling Timberlakes on the line "And you're a tool." If that scarf is any indication, I believe it.
I don't remember all of these people.
Oh right - Jane Mancini got rid of the pink hair. I guess she realized that dirrrty doesn't fly when you're a mom in your 20's.
Wow - HSM3 still sucks.
I'm pretty sure that the "na na na" part of this song is not meant to go under the chorus. But that's just my music theory rearing its ugly head. Oh, and who wants to talk about Glee, which incidentally made me cry last night?
7:15 - David Cook - "Permanent" - This must be hard for him to sing, so soon after his brother's death. I'm going to blame that for the flatness at the beginning. But wait - hey WRS - THIS IS HOW YOU HIT IMPOSSIBLY HIGH NOTES IN A ROCK SONG. Do you see David's tongue? No. I think my hatred --
Oh wait - my pizza's here. Hold please.
I've now forgotten about my anger, because it's impossible to be mad when there are Pizza Hut breadsticks to be had. And I was going to yell about Ryan being a tool and bringing up David's brother, but then they had to go and donate money to charity. OK then.
7:19 - I need more wine.
7:20 - I refilled for this? Stupid awards.
7:24 - My breadsticks suck. And what's with Pizza Hut now being called "The Hut"? Yes, Nick Mitchell is currently singing. I am currently ignoring it. All he wants is attention, and I am not going to give it to him.
7:26 - Lo Expectations and Queen Latifah - "Cue the Rain" - Great. This isn't much better than Norman Gentle. Singing with the Queen only proves how much Lo sucks.
7:27 - Oh wait. I was wrong. Even Queen can't pull this song out.
7:28 - Is this a even real song? Stop trying to force Lo down our throats. I'm not buying it.
7:34 - Jason Mraz! - "I'm Yours" - Sadly featuring Slumdog, Jane Mancini and the rest of the top 13 in some sort of homage to the first week of semifinals.
7:35 - Is Mraz barefoot? Come on man. I was going to buy concert tickets tonight. Don't make me regret it. There is no need to Syesha Mercado it all over the stage.
7:36 - Refill time. And my pizza is cold. Bad form, Hut, bad form.
7:38 - MMM and Keith Urban - "Kiss a Girl" - I like this song. I might have to download it.
Being next to someone so charismatic really makes MMM up his game.
7:41 - Justin. Woo.
7:45 - Fergie & the Girls - "Glamourous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I love when we trot out the people that didn't make it and try to pretend like they're stars. Or even good singers. And yes, I'm talking about you, Fergie.
I'm choosing to ignore that thing on Jane's head.
This makes me long for the days when I thought the lyrics to this song were "flopsy flopsy".
7:47 - Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Pow" - If I wanted to watch Tropical Morphine Barbie pop and locking in the aisles, I would go to Polekatz.
I bet they'd be fun to see in concert. Not for me, but for some people.
7:56 - Holy boob job...I need more wine.
7:59 - Huh. Kara's not half bad. Too bad her original song sucked.
8:01 - Charo & Cyndi Lauper - "Time After Time" - Charo is awesome, as expected. I would have bought this single if it were just her. Cyndi should stick to the dulcimer.
I feel bad for Charo. She has no idea what's going on. Just keep singing, Charo.
8:04 - DWD and Lionel Richie - "Hello", "Some Song I've Never Heard" & "All Night Long" - Ooh, my mom is going to be pissed. "Hello" is one of her favorite David Cook covers.
This is the type of stuff DWD should be singing. And it should wind up in the Taylor Hicks Memorial Discount Bin.
I don't want to like that leather jacket, but I do.
8:16 - What the hell are those things on his shoulders?
Nice eyebrow raise after "me and the boys will be playin' all night."
8:17 - WRS & KISS - "Beth" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - I'm not even going to pretend that I listened to this. Those dudes are old and should not be wearing spandex any more.
8:19 - One bottle down, one to go.
8:26 - Timberlakes & Santana & Top 13 - "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" - You know, Santana rules. I don't have enough of his music. And that song I have featuring Macy Gray does not count.
I'm going to miss you Timberlakes.
Look at MMM trying to mambo with HSM3. Way to throw her a bone, dude. She's going nowhere after tonight.
8:28 - Camren Manheim again!
8:29 - Who the hell is that? Is that Janice Dickinson? How did she get to be a supermodel with that face?
8:30 - Ford Video - I would buy this single. Maybe. Who sang it originally?
8:31 - What? Barbie, Roughneck & Steve Martin (?) - "Pretty Flowers" - OK, I don't have enough wine for this.
8:32 - Yes, I'm averaging about a bottle an hour. And yes, I am backspacing a lot.
8:33 - Just stepped on my cat's tail. Wait. Oh. Ow. Someone make her stop singing.
8:34 - Poor Steve. He probably worked really hard on that song. And nothing will stop the mack truck of disaster that is Barbie and Roughneck.
8:38 - I do not care for the Yellow Tail Riesling. I should have stuck with the Pinot Grigio.
8:39 - The Guys - "If You Want My Body" - No. No no no no no no. Stop it. Stop it right now. Whose idea was this? I want to punch them in the face.
8:41 - Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - Oh. It was his idea. Jerk.
Stop bringing aging rock stars on this show.
Rachel Hunter and I need to have a serious talk. And by "talk" I mean "intervention."
Kate Walsh!
Wow, Rod couldn't get off that stage fast enough, could he?
8:45 - Another award. It's time for a refill. I'm throwing out this wine and moving to vodka. Yes, the Riesling is that bad.
8:47 - No! I never wanted to hear that laugh again!
8:48 - Oh fake security guys. You know they totally have theatre degrees. Good job.
8:53 - Queen - "We Are the Champions" - Wait, is that a gospel choir?
8:59 - God forbid the show actually be on time. Maybe a little less Rod Stewart, eh?
9:00 - My 50 votes last night had better pay off. Yes, 50. And that's not counting the times I didn't get through.
9:01 - Cute. You can always count on an actor to find his light. Or, you know, move to stage right when the accountant is blocking him.
9:02 - Woo! It worked!
9:03 - Don't worry - all the past winners got the same trophy at the opening of the Disney Idol Experience.
9:04 - Simon is pissed. See how everyone else is standing up?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara.
-- REWIND --
OK, I was too busy jumping around to really pay attention. And by "jumping around", I mean "toasting myself for some good voting"
9:02 - I was wrong. Simon is standing up and hugging Paula. Maybe he actually is happy. Kris is going to make a mint...from which Simon probably gets a cut. (That's right, I'll actually call Kris by his real name now.)
9:03 - He's really surprised. And WRS is really gracious about it. I never said he was a bad guy. I just didn't like his constant SCREAMING.
9:04 - Why do they have to keep flashing KRIS up there in Garamond Antiqua? Couldn't we have found a more interesting font?
9:05 - Oh good. No Boundaries. Thanks again, Kara. Is anyone else feeling some deja vu?
9:06 - Oh Charo, I'll miss you too.
9:07 - Oh there's the wife. Good for her. She's rich now. For at least a year.
Success! And as I listen to Ruben's new cover of Extreme's "More Than Words" (seriously) thus ends our Idol madness for 2009. Hopefully you're down with The Next Food Network Star or Design Star, or (if I'm feeling extra drunk on Mondays), The Bachelorette (and who doesn't love Jillian?!). Because there are many more drinks to be had - and many more reality shows to recap.
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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Idol Final 2: Live!
Welcome to tonight's live finale blog! (Although I have to admit that I'm already a little annoyed that I don't have a laptop or a tv in the same room as my computer. This running back and forth makes my drink slosh, and that's not cool. Plus, my cat is really confused.) Anyway. Here we go!
7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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7:00 - Come on MMM, could you be a little more excited?
7:01 - This has been annoying me all season. I hate how Seacrest says something like "This is a Tuesday...and THIS is American Idol. The misplaced emphasis implies a comparison dude, so you're basically saying that the two things are mutually exclusive. Wait - are you telling me that Seacrest didn't major in English? Shocking.
7:02 - New theatre, net set featuring Will Rogers stairs. But why does Kara look so angry at the fact that Camren Manheim is in the audience?
7:03 - Carly!
7:05 - It's good to admit that your director is an idiot that can't keep a live show within the allotted time period.
7:07 - I've only had two glasses of wine so far. Maybe I should make a drink.
7:10 - Trap + Trenchcoat + Backlight = Pretty Damn Cool
7:12 - This was way better than last time (except for the trouble slipping into that last note) - thank you for not screaming.
7:13 - "I love that you sang something that you sang during the season." Um, that was the rule, Randy. Good job being on top of things. "A for Adam!" Oh well. At least he can spell.
7:19 - Woo!
7:20 - Oh now you're all on board? Calling Round One for MMM? Let's remember last week when you said Gokey was a master. Remember that?
7:21 - Maybe I wouldn't be as angry at the judges if I hadn't slammed that drink.
7:27 - Those aren't words.
7:29 - Oh does St. Louis Love Adam? You also love the Cardinals and vinegar in your BBQ, so there you go.
7:30 - Katie Holmes! And Suri!
7:32 - This Minute Maid commercial is hilarious.
7:34 - The cast of Glee! Who else is psyched?
7:38 - Oh Paula. I love when you use the title of the song to make your point.
7:39 - Booooooo. Boo to Simon. Booooooooo. Round Two to WRS. Whatever. It's like this every season. Simon probably isn't even listening.
7:40 - Let's have a moment for the laziness of Simon Fuller. It's like he took the Idol Gives Back songbook and closed his eyes and pointed. Come on, without DWD, I thought we might be spared the inspiration.
7:44 - Wow, does this song suck, or is he just doing really poorly?
7:48 - Cop out! COP OUT! That performance sucked. And Randy of all people is the only one to call it out? You can't start talking about the amazing season after a song like that. Booooo.
7:49 - You can't just make a sign that says ADAM or VOTE ADAM. I know my friend Erin would agree that the signage this season has taken a major downtown. The only good one I saw this year was:
Kris
Rocks
Idol
Send Gokey Home
So true.
7:55 - Nope, it's the song. That sucks.
8:01 - I miss Carrie. I also miss when my DVR didn't cut off Idol. And force me to add ten minutes to the end of Fringe. Or in this case, Glee.
8:02 - What is that corset thing? Paired with the sparkly drama club t-shirt?
8:04 - I need another drink.
8:05 - GLEE!
----------------
OK kids, that's it for tonight's live blog. Tomorrow night's two hour performance should yield lots more angst, and probably lots more alcohol. I'll be spending the next four hours voting 02, 04 and 06, and I hope you'll do the same. Go Team MMM!
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Friday, May 15, 2009
Idol Top 3: In Which My Hopes Are Lifted Even Higher
Although this doesn't make up for the premature ouster of Charo, I'll take it. Just knowing that the last time I have to hear that dude sing his inevitable inspirational song is in the finale makes me forgive you, America. Almost.
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
GROUP SONG: What, you're only leaving me to judge the Ford commercial? OK then. I'll admit that I would probably buy this single if they released it. But how much do you bet that MMM was less than pleased with his animation? Inflating oneself, even if it's to blow the rain away, is not a flattering look.
JUDGMENT: Seriously MMM, can we ditch the Converse? The boots you rocked last week were much cooler.
VIDEO MONTAGES: Small towns always turn out for the Idol kids. Which is good for MMM, and to some extent DWD (not good enough though - ha!). But even with a half naked girl rushing the stage, WRS's crowd was pretty paltry - and weren't most of them forced to be there a la school assembly? Whatev. I would go see him if it got me out of Calculus too. Funny that they waited to show his montage after the commerical break - like we'd miss the fact that the other two videos weren't nearly as lame.
CAMEOS: Jordin still has some trouble with her lower register, but damn if she wasn't channeling her inner Beyonce. The hair, the dress, the Diva-esque dancec moves. All of it works. With the exception of the "fierce face" at the end that would have done Tyra proud, I enjoyed this a lot. And it was so much better than her most recent Idol appearance (last year's finale) that I enjoyed it even more. Download the single. It's good.
Katy Perry: Why are you touting Adam Lambert on an Elvis cape? Why are your eyes open so wide the whole time? And why are you a star? It can only be for your legs, because you have a terrible voice. Somewhere in the audience Tropical Crackhouse Barbie is shaking her fist at the career you stole from her.
Random African Child: Um. No thank you. Stop telling me to send my money to Uganda. I have vodka to buy.
RESULTS: Woo! I may have dreamed, but I didn't really think that MMM would be able to Blake Lewis himself right into the finale. And now I think I'm getting too hopeful. But let's remember last season - even though everyone thought that Archtastic was on a one-way march to A Moment Like This, it still wasn't His Now. So I'm going to Believe that if Cookie could rock all the way to the Time of His Life, then maybe MMM can Make Me Proud and Fly Without Wings too.
And, um...be Inside someone's Heaven?
Ew.
NEXT WEEK: Will we be treated to a Kara-penned coronation anthem? If so, who's betting on the title being "Adam Lambert Should Have My Children" or "Danny Gokey is King"? And who's betting that MMM's inevitable acoustic arrangement of it will still rock?
Check back on Monday - in which I'll continue to extoll the virtues of MatthewsMayerMraz. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be live blogging the finale episodes. Which means that the posts should get more interesting as the night wears on. Awesome.
Continue Reading
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Idol Top 3: It's Too Late To Apologize
Yeah, so sometimes I get home at 2am. And sometimes I don't watch Idol until the day after it airs. And you know what? The harsh glare of DWD is even worse daylight hours than I could have imagined. And the judges? Completely useless. So in the interest of making something out of my day, I decided to fast forward through all the drivel.
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
Continue Reading
Dead Wife Downey Jr. - "Dance Little Sister Dance" by Terence Trent D’Arby - OK, I have to admit something. I didn't realize that Terence Trent D'Arby was a real person. Yeah, I've heard his name before, but I somehow thought he was a character in Dune or something. Wait, what? No. I'm not listening to the song. I'm just wondering if DWD thinks that continuing to tuck his jeans into his untied boots endears him to Glambert fans. You know, cause he's so rock.
MatthewsMayerMraz - "Apologize" by OneRepublic - I can't think of anything witty to say. This was way better than the original. And way less douchey.
WickedRaverSiriano - "One" by U2 - Yesterday's big e-mail thread was about how WRS would ruin U2. Here are some quotes:
"Baaaaaah! He's incapable of singing One without ruining it."
"Bono should never be redone. Ever."
"I just want to let you know also that Lambert ruined Whole Lotta Love for me. It came on my iPod during shuffle and I went to the next song..."
And to his credit, I think WRS lived up to our expectations. I didn't love the song to begin with - all the sap about One Love, One Life, One Whatever (I'm also about to imply that I don't care about African children too - wait for it) belongs at a wedding. Or in a production of West Side Story. (Which is exactly where I think WRS's melodramatic facial expressions belong - but I digress.) You know - I was willing to give you a chance, Wicked. UNTIL YOU SCREAMED. AGAIN. Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself every week? Right. Because I am.
Carrie Underwood - IGB trip to Africa - Wait, what? Idol Gives Back without inspirational song choices and everyone dressed in white? I love you Carrie, but if I wanted to watch an infomercial, I would wait until 2am and watch Sally Struthers wander around in Zimbabwe in search of food. And I would be drunk.
DWD - "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker - Why do I get the feeling that all the DWD fans dialed their asses off while simultaneously listening to their new Taylor Hicks cd? I couldn't even watch this nonsense.
MMM - "Heartless" by Kanye West - Awesome. I'm not going to apologize for standing firmly in Kamp Kris (yeah, I went with the alliteration). Again, so much better than the original. If this dude doesn't get a contract after the finale (we're not really going to delude ourselves with the notion that he's going to win, are we?) I will be seriously skeeved.
WRS - Cryin" by Aerosmith - Jocelyn, a die-hard Glambert fan politely asked me a question during yesterday's thread:
"Micky, What song do you think Adam wouldn’t ruin? Just out of curiosity."
My response?
"He should stick with actual rock songs, as opposed to pop rock...I think he could rock some Aerosmith."
Oh look. A performance that doesn't completely blow. When you're singing Aerosmith, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SCREAM. This was finally the right thing for WRS to pull out. He sang it well, nothing seemed out of place, and I could imagine an entire album of songs like this. Would I buy it? Hell no. But would I judge the people that did? Well, probably.
SHOULD GO: DWD. Come on people. Do we really want to listen to another week of this? I could step on my cat's tail and get the same effect.
WILL GO: DialIdol's prediction results are too close to call. Everyone I know thinks it's DWD's time. Every poll I read says the same thing. But I'm not terribly optimistic.
TONIGHT: Katy Perry and Jordin. Finally! I'm listening to Jordin's new single, Battlefield. It's pretty much the same stuff she always puts out, but I still like it. (Whether its good live or not remains to be seen.)
Continue Reading
Friday, May 8, 2009
Idol Top 4 Results: In Which It Takes Me a Full Day To Come To Terms
Enough of this random order stuff. You just don't want the people to know that your bottom two also includes The Chosen One. And eliminating Charo over DWDJr? Boo. Bad form, America.
GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
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GROUP SONG: We'll miss you Charo. Because you're the only thing that made this tolerable. Well, that and Slash's solo.
JUDGMENT: Dude. Those aren't pants. They barely even pass for leggings. If you were a girl in my seventh grade class in 1989, then that might slide. But only if you were wearing an oversize New Kids t-shirt with a denim jacket. And DWD - it doesn't make you hard to have your boots sticking out over your pants. It just makes you look like you're trying too hard.
CAMEOS: Oh Paula. I love how you left your seat at the table to go and watch your pretaped performance from your dressing room. We're totally fooled. I also appreciate all the fog and the gigantic fake rocking microphone which concealed the rather obvious fact that you were lipsyncing. Whatever. I will listen to your Head Over Heels cd fondly, vocoder or not.
Daughtry: Yeah, this is a good song. But you're still flat when you sing live. And you got over losing Idol in 30 seconds? I bet.
No Doubt: No. I am not watching you sing an old song that I don't particularly like. I am fast forwarding.
RESULTS: Lame. That scream should have gotten DWD eliminated on the spot on Tuesday night. Who is voting for this douche?
NEXT WEEK: Hometown visits, and only two songs per contestant. Does this mean that Clive won't be there to recommend that Kris sing Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me or some crappy James Taylor song?
Continue Reading
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