We'll get to the Hootie and the Hoo in due time. But first let's talk about the most important elimination tonight. I like to imagine Gail calling up Tom and Padma the night before the flight to New Orleans. "Hey guys, how are you? My honeymoon was great, thanks. Listen, I hear you're doing the finale in New Orleans. Mind if I tag along?" And then I imagine Padma calling Toby and saying "Toby, please pack your notebook of pithy British phrases and go." And then we hear Tom yell in the background (because I like to imagine that they all party together away from judges table) "Don't let the door hit you in the ass, you pretentious douche!" And Gail laughs because she's drunk, just like always.
Things are just as they should be.
OBSERVATION #1: I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to watch Idol without Top Chef to temper my mood afterwards. But I did just get Kitchen Confidential (the failed sitcom with Bradley Cooper and Nicholas Brendon from a few years ago) DVDs in the mail today, so maybe that will help.
QUICKFIRE TWIST: Rainbow Brite's new haircut was nice. I'd like to introduce T*ts to some product. Or a scrunchy, because I don't actually know that much about women's hair products. But I do know about scrunchies.
I'm glad that Keanu got another chance, but part of me wonders if the producers told them he had to win so they could have another chance to film him changing shirts. And damned if he didn't change his shirt in the bathroom, while the camera guy waited outside. Ha!
OBSERVATION #2: Crawfish are creepy. Seriously creepy.
Hootie Hoo!: Oh Hootie. I can feel the love through the TV screen. I'm sorry I made fun of you in my very first recap. And probably my second and third. Your drink sounds strangely like my current favorite concoction of cranberry, Simply Lime, 7up and vodka. I know you don't like vodka - and I forgive you for it - because it makes me feel that we have something in common and that makes me happy. If you open a restaurant, I don't care where it is. I'm going.
Fabio: You know, I'm actually a little sad to see you go. But it took you far too long to come up with an alternate word for "sh!t" when whining about your car. (If you can't even come up with American slang, you shouldn't live here. After all - I mostly only remember the bad French words, unless you plan to ask me where to find the library or the disco.) Your fate was sealed with the decision to make Italian creole food. Is that what Emeril told you to do? No. You're lucky he didn't BAM! you right in the mohawk. Oh, and don't get me started on that pink scarf.
OBSERVATION #3: The producers are really setting us up for a Stefan elimination. Which leads me to believe it won't happen. Damn.
Canned Crab: Way to redeem yourself with the seafood. And for knowing what "roux" is (I'm totally remembering that for Word Twist). I now root for you not to win, but to beat Melonhead, because that will make him incredibly angry.
Keanu: Valiant effort, man. I wish you'd won, even if it meant Hootie wouldn't get a new car.
OBSERVATION #4: Let's just say it again - Gail! I threw my arms in the air and cried Hoo! when she showed up. And my hands literally stayed in the air for a good two minutes of cheering. I bet my neighbors will be glad when this season is over.
Melonhead: So close. And yet so far away. Thank you judges, for finally realizing that Melonhead is a cocky ass. (For those of you who don't know, I had to look up the word Suomi, visible on a t-shirt and a stupid knit cap - it means Finland. Although I was hoping it meant something like the words I know in French.)
OBSERVATION #5: Note to the producers: Screw Keanu. A dancing Hootie is always the best way to start an episode.
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Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
American Idol 1-12: Results
Full disclosure: I first watched this on mute in a bar. Then when I got home, I tivoed to the good stuff. Let's be honest - I heard those songs last night, and they weren't that good. I don't want to hear them again. But let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that we didn't have to waste time fast forwarding through Stevie and/or Casey again after they were eliminated.
GROUP SONG: At least it wasn't a bad medley from some decade of yesteryear. But did anyone else get the feeling that Tatiana has never heard of Jason Mraz? Snapping, swaying, the realization that when the girls sang in groups of three that it was just not good...it could have been worse. But I have long said that Jason's songs are meant for an ensemble, and this proved me right. (Yes, it would be better without at least 6 bad singers in the group, but whatev.)
JUDGMENT: Ricky, I could have been down with you and the bunch. But not when you decided to bust out those skinny jeans. Bad choice. And what was that thing hanging from Jackie's ear? I think it was actually something leaking out of her brain.
CAMEOS: Yes, I love you Carly. But I have already heard you sing this song. You sang it on the finale, remember? How about something new? Oh well. Have you heard all of the Carrie/David duet? I'd pay money for that. You can view it by clicking here.
RESULTS: Now that they're in the top 12, it's time for some nicknames. 2/3 correct (Dead Wife Downey Jr. and Jane Mancini), and Michael (Roughneck) was one of my choices for the #3 spot. I have a feeling we'll see Ricky (Tight Pants) and Anoop (Slumdog Idol) in the wildcard round. And thank the sweet lord we've seen the last of Tatiana (hereafter known as "When Rabbit Howls" - look it up).
And yes, I know Downey and Slumdog are not exactly politically correct. But I don't care. Thanks to Erica and Jenni for the assists.
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GROUP SONG: At least it wasn't a bad medley from some decade of yesteryear. But did anyone else get the feeling that Tatiana has never heard of Jason Mraz? Snapping, swaying, the realization that when the girls sang in groups of three that it was just not good...it could have been worse. But I have long said that Jason's songs are meant for an ensemble, and this proved me right. (Yes, it would be better without at least 6 bad singers in the group, but whatev.)
JUDGMENT: Ricky, I could have been down with you and the bunch. But not when you decided to bust out those skinny jeans. Bad choice. And what was that thing hanging from Jackie's ear? I think it was actually something leaking out of her brain.
CAMEOS: Yes, I love you Carly. But I have already heard you sing this song. You sang it on the finale, remember? How about something new? Oh well. Have you heard all of the Carrie/David duet? I'd pay money for that. You can view it by clicking here.
RESULTS: Now that they're in the top 12, it's time for some nicknames. 2/3 correct (Dead Wife Downey Jr. and Jane Mancini), and Michael (Roughneck) was one of my choices for the #3 spot. I have a feeling we'll see Ricky (Tight Pants) and Anoop (Slumdog Idol) in the wildcard round. And thank the sweet lord we've seen the last of Tatiana (hereafter known as "When Rabbit Howls" - look it up).
And yes, I know Downey and Slumdog are not exactly politically correct. But I don't care. Thanks to Erica and Jenni for the assists.
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American Idol 1-12: A Texting Odyssey
In the words of my friend Jeremy, this show was a bit ruff, dog. So rough that I spent a majority of the episode texting about how bad people were. And while at first it seemed like a good idea to just type out the texts and call it a day, I realized that would be taking the easy way out. These kids sang their hearts out and deserve at least a couple of complete sentences before America hopefully does not vote for them.
Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.
JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.
RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.
ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"
BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?
STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.
ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.
MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.
CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.
ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.
...
Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because
STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.
People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.
PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/Brent
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Here are the highlights from both of us - and then some things that were so long I didn't feel like summoning up the powers of T9.
JACKIE TOHN: Why do people continue to choose that talky Elvis song? Little less singin' and a whole lot a talkin'. That chick and her pants are a mess.
RICKY BRADDY: I wish dudes wouldn't try to sing songs that Elliott Yamin sings much better. But it's cute that your parents came up with matching Braddy Bunch t-shirts. Those will get you like $5 on ebay after tomorrow night.
ALEXIS GRACE: At first I thought the pink hair was gone. But I was wrong. And then all I could focus on were two things: "That microphone is really shiny" and "Did she forget to put on a dress?"
BRENT KEITH: I could not stop thinking during the entire song about much better it would be if it were a country version of Live's "Shit Town." And why does your wife think it's all about her?
STEVIE WRIGHT: Ouch. Seriously, ouch.
ANOOP DESAI: I actually own this Monica CD. I'm listening to it now. It's nice that you wanted to thank me and the rest of America with this song, but it does not make me like you any better.
MICHAEL SARVER: Why does someone sing "I Don't Wanna Be" every year? Is Gavin DeGraw sleeping with someone at FOX? Props to Paula for calling out all the other people that have sang this song before.
CASEY CARLSON: There's the Campus Girl we know and love. Maybe you can do a Playboy spread with Bikini Girl. Because you're definitely not going to be a singer.
ANN MARIE BOSKOVICH: Don't you think we remember Kelly Clarkson singing this song? We do. You're not her.
...
Nope, I was wrong. They don't deserve complete sentences. I'm too bored to think up witty insults for each contestant. All this episode made me do is remember past contestants (good and bad) and wonder why people can't pick different songs. Because
STEPHEN FOWLER does not equal Anwar, TATIANA DEL TORO does not equal McPheever and DANNY GOKEY does not equal Elliott. Sure, the last one sang a Mariah song which I technically enjoy, but not even he inspired me to shell out 99 cents on ITunes.
People that got my votes: Danny, Michael, Anoop.
PREDICTION:
Top 2: Danny and Alexis (who does she have to compete with? Tatiana? Please.)
#3: Anoop/Michael/Brent
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Thursday, February 12, 2009
Where have you gone, Nikki McKibbin?
(American Idol: Top 36)
Seriously, I wish I'd invested in Manic Panic before tonight's episode - sales are going to go through the roof. Which is just one reason why I am ANGRIER AT IDOL THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN BEFORE. Remember when each season had just one unfortunately pink-haired finalist? (See: Nikki, Vanessa Olivarez, Amy Adams, Gina Glocksen, and on some occasions, Jessica Sierra and even Jordin.) I had hoped the trend had died out and that we would only be left with some random highlighted unfortunateness that would go away via votes (Amanda Overmeyer) or the image consultants (David Cook). But they're making up for lost time this year. Three pink people? Come on.
I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.
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I'm going to breeze through the people who don't make me angry, because I won't care if they get eliminated next week. Like:
Anoop Desai: Sure, why not?
So I can spend more time on people that had better not make it into the Top 12. Like:
Von Smith: Are you kidding me? I am embarrassed that you had to march your Miller Marley ass up to the auditions in KC. You belong on the stage at Starlight. Or maybe Shawnee Mission Theatre in the Park. Not on my tv.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Well, there always has to be one really nerdy looking kid in the bunch, so this is your year. Look at it this way: Kevin Covais is now doing movies, so you could actually have a long "career" ahead of you. But it's not going to be a singing career. Sorry.
Adam Lambert: Although I'm already predisposed to hate anyone who makes a conscious decision to wear skinny jeans, you are just too much. Get a haircut. And stop singing so high. It just sounds like yelling. And not in a good Hootie Hoo! sort of way.
Taylor Vaifanua: Who?
And while we're talking about people that I barely remember...
Jasmine Murray (all right, maybe in a Paris Bennett sort of way), Casey Carlson, Arianna Afsar, Megan Corkery, Mishavonna Henson and Stevie Wright: OK sure. Alaina Whitaker thought she would make it to the finals too.
Joanna Pacitti: OK, I'll admit it. You give me McPheever. And I'm glad you're getting a second chance. And I'll buy your first (old) album on the i-Tunes. But don't treat me the way Carly did, OK? I can't go through that again.
SIDEBAR: Hey, Reggi Beasley - guys should not end their name with the letter I. I'm just saying.
Kristen McNamara: Pink. Boo.
Alexis Grace: Pink. Boo.
Scott Macintyre doesn't actually have that good of a voice. But I suppose they're going for a Heather Mills/Marlee Matlin/Heather Whitestone thing to show that it's not all about image.
Lil Rounds: Did you really think you wouldn't make it? Really? Only time will tell if you go the Jennifer Hudson Oscar route or the Vonzell Solomon postal route. I'm thinking it's going to be the Vonzell variety.
Kendall Beard, Jesse Langseth, Allison Iraheta, Jeanine Vailes, Kai Kalama, Anne Marie Boskovich and Kris Allen: Who? Oh right - Kai is the dude with the weird hair. Why does everyone this season have such bad haircuts? The stylists were there during Hollywood week - couldn't they fix it?!
Danny Gokey looks like he could rock pink hair if he really wanted to. But so far he's only made me mad that I gave away all my Seal cds. Just when I want to hear someone really sing Kiss From a Rose, I'm left to wonder why I would do something so stupid. Who did I buy to give me a reason to jettison some really good cds? Rihanna? Oh well. We all make mistakes. (Exhibit A: Your red glasses.)
Like those piercings that Jamar Rogers apparently thinks look good. He's mistaken.
Ricky Braddy, Matt Giraud, Ju'Not Joyner, Brent Keith (Nashville Star finalist - it's a good thing he cut his hair. The Keith Urban look really didn't suit him) and Jorge Nunez.
Stephen Fowler reminds me that too many dudes are wearing scarves. STOP IT. STOP WEARING SCARVES. YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA. IT IS NOT COLD.
And now is when I really start to get mad.
Norman Gentle/Nick Mitchell: What? Taylor Hicks winning wasn't bad enough? You see what happens when you push "entertaining" people through? No one buys their records and they wind up trying to get a date on Regis and Kelly.
Jackie Tohn: I won't hate you - but you have to promise to not ever sing a Janis Joplin song. And to never bring back that gold fanny pack.
Tatiana del Toro: I had read all the lists. I knew it was coming. But I still had a tiny hope that they were wrong. I'm going to stick to my theory that the judges are going to push through some really awful personalities and tell the producers to make them look even worse so that no one will vote for them and they won't be allowed to audition again, because they've made it too far. But there are just too many of you this year, and someone is bound to slip through the cracks. Speaking of:
Nathaniel Marshall: I just...you just...No, why do you have to...Ugh. I can't. I just can't.
Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver do not make me mad, for the sole reason that their waist size is almost guaranteed to be bigger than their inseam. It's about time we stop showcasing people in skinny jeans.
If it weren't for my McPheever and the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, I would boycott this year. Jocelyn will probably even heartily encourage me to do it. But I will be strong.
We must all be strong.
UPDATE: Boo. Boooooooooooooo.
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I Would Like Them in a Box. I Would Like Them With a Fox. (Top Chef: Episode 12 recap)
Sometimes I wonder if it's undignified for me to spend an entire episode shouting Hootie Hoo! to no one in particular. You know, I try to keep it classy, sitting in my wingback chair in my smoking jacket and drinking brandy from a snifter. And then I remember that I'm sitting on my couch in jeans and a t-shirt and drinking a $5 bottle of pinot grigio from a plastic cup while eating a brownie. So the Hootie-ing is probably OK.
OBSERVATION #1: Thank you Hootie for making me forget how angry I am about American Idol's Top 36. My AI recap will be much nicer than it would have been. Oh who am I kidding? No it won't.
Hootie Hoo!: I don't like peas. And they pretty much said that squab is a fancy word for pigeon on Friday Night Lights a few weeks ago and that it should never be rare, so I'm skeptical that this dish was the thing that someone would want for their last meal. But you make me so happy when you are crazy and winning quickfires and doing slow motion tortoise impressions that I forgive you.
Fabio: Ah whatever. Hootie made me so happy this episode that I'm not even mad at you. Besides, I'm sure your finger hurts, and since mine is still bleeding from too much glissing on the piano last night, I feel a small amount of your pain. Go drink your big bottle of wine and enjoy.
OBSERVATION #2: It has now become my favorite thing to watch how Tom rolls his eyes at everything Toby says. I especially enjoyed how Toby was sent to the end of the table so the camera wouldn't have to pick him up very often. And his whole "but I rather like runny eggs" made him sound like a petulant child. Ha.
Canned Crab: The only thing that makes me root for you is how badly you want to beat Stefan. Because I so badly want someone to do it. Please don't disappoint me.
OBSERVATION #3: Can you really say "pussy" on TV?
T*ts McGoo: It's about time. Um...that's all.
Melonhead: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "I cook good food, so I deserve to be in the finals." Oh but remember? EVERYONE thought your stupid salmon was overcooked. I don't care that you've been a chef for 22 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
OBSERVATION #4: I think one reason that I don't like Toby is that our personalities are too similar. Exhibit A: I just said Ha one too many times - much like a petulant child. But I still have a full head of hair and no thinning in sight, so you know what I say to you, Toby? Ha.
NEXT WEEK: I didn't think it could get any better. Former model. "See ya! See ya!" But then my Hootie busts out straightened hair and a valley girl accent in next week's episode. And I will watch as I always do, with my mouth wide open in joy and amazement. Unless I decide that the next stop on the classy train is to start drinking my wine through a straw. Don't worry - I can still cheer through clenched lips.
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OBSERVATION #1: Thank you Hootie for making me forget how angry I am about American Idol's Top 36. My AI recap will be much nicer than it would have been. Oh who am I kidding? No it won't.
Hootie Hoo!: I don't like peas. And they pretty much said that squab is a fancy word for pigeon on Friday Night Lights a few weeks ago and that it should never be rare, so I'm skeptical that this dish was the thing that someone would want for their last meal. But you make me so happy when you are crazy and winning quickfires and doing slow motion tortoise impressions that I forgive you.
Fabio: Ah whatever. Hootie made me so happy this episode that I'm not even mad at you. Besides, I'm sure your finger hurts, and since mine is still bleeding from too much glissing on the piano last night, I feel a small amount of your pain. Go drink your big bottle of wine and enjoy.
OBSERVATION #2: It has now become my favorite thing to watch how Tom rolls his eyes at everything Toby says. I especially enjoyed how Toby was sent to the end of the table so the camera wouldn't have to pick him up very often. And his whole "but I rather like runny eggs" made him sound like a petulant child. Ha.
Canned Crab: The only thing that makes me root for you is how badly you want to beat Stefan. Because I so badly want someone to do it. Please don't disappoint me.
OBSERVATION #3: Can you really say "pussy" on TV?
T*ts McGoo: It's about time. Um...that's all.
Melonhead: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "I cook good food, so I deserve to be in the finals." Oh but remember? EVERYONE thought your stupid salmon was overcooked. I don't care that you've been a chef for 22 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.
OBSERVATION #4: I think one reason that I don't like Toby is that our personalities are too similar. Exhibit A: I just said Ha one too many times - much like a petulant child. But I still have a full head of hair and no thinning in sight, so you know what I say to you, Toby? Ha.
NEXT WEEK: I didn't think it could get any better. Former model. "See ya! See ya!" But then my Hootie busts out straightened hair and a valley girl accent in next week's episode. And I will watch as I always do, with my mouth wide open in joy and amazement. Unless I decide that the next stop on the classy train is to start drinking my wine through a straw. Don't worry - I can still cheer through clenched lips.
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Thursday, February 5, 2009
In Which I Die of Boredom
(Top Chef: Episode 11 recap)
Sweet lord that was lame. Anyone else actually miss Spike and Andrew? This week's episode made those Stephanie Dr. Pepper commericals seem like Oscar-worthy documentaries. Even my sweet little Hootie Hoo disappointed. I can't wait for this season to be over.
OBSERVATION #1: It's sad when the most entertaining part of the episode is the "Last Week on Top Chef" segment.
Hootie Hoo!: I wish I didn't know you had trained at a French culinary school. I had hoped that you learned how to cook down on the bayou. I imagined you in the swamp, frying up chitlins under the tutelage of a wisecracking owl and a spunky, yet knowledgeable, otter. I'm glad you're still around, but your inclusion in the top three only warrented a half-hearted "Hootie Hoo!" from me tonight. Please be more fun next week, k?
Fabio: "This is the first time I've been in the bottom." Oh? Am I remembering that other Italian guy who has been in the bottom several times? Gail thought your food was boring - remember? I see how it is. Gail leaves and you think her criticism leaves with her? Boo. Boo to you for underestimating the power of Gail.
OBSERVATION #2: I enjoyed how Tom pointed out that Toby Young doesn't know how to cook. It's Padma's job to be the non-chef of the group, and even she has a bunch of cookbooks. That "It's harder than it looks" aside, with a cocked eyebrow showed us that Tom knows how it is. Toby's days are definitely numbered. Good.
Canned Crab: Well, somehow you made me feel sorry for you. All this "but I'm a seafood chef" talk made me realize how misguided you are. And then the phrase "Canned Crab" came screaming back at me, as I realized the reason for your moniker. Apparently, you don't know jack about seafood.
Rainbow Brite: Thanks for reminding us that you were the last remaining member of Team Rainbow (sad - I liked those other dudes). I thought you might be a dark horse and land in the finals with Melonhead. I'm sorry I was wrong. But it makes sense - today's dish didn't have a single scallop or item to be pureed. This just goes to show that nothing good can come of celery. That's why I prefer to focus on cupcakes.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else know that Padma was married to Salman Rushdie? And she had a part in Glitter. God love Wikipedia.
T*ts McGoo: How do you keep dodging these bullets? You QUIT in the middle of a challenge! For the life of me, I can't figure out why you're still around. You're not even giving us Real World fodder. I don't know what miso is (and I spent too much time reading about Padma to bother looking it up) but I'm pretty sure you should know how to use it.
Melonhead: Oh whatever.
OBSERVATION #4: Don't think that I didn't notice the creepy long haired gastro-whatever chef in the previews for next week. The only thing plainer than his Jan Brady look is his milquetoast personality. And with the incorrect use of a fancy word like "milquetoast," (apparently it's a noun and not an adjective - oh well) I'm off to have another cupcake.
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OBSERVATION #1: It's sad when the most entertaining part of the episode is the "Last Week on Top Chef" segment.
Hootie Hoo!: I wish I didn't know you had trained at a French culinary school. I had hoped that you learned how to cook down on the bayou. I imagined you in the swamp, frying up chitlins under the tutelage of a wisecracking owl and a spunky, yet knowledgeable, otter. I'm glad you're still around, but your inclusion in the top three only warrented a half-hearted "Hootie Hoo!" from me tonight. Please be more fun next week, k?
Fabio: "This is the first time I've been in the bottom." Oh? Am I remembering that other Italian guy who has been in the bottom several times? Gail thought your food was boring - remember? I see how it is. Gail leaves and you think her criticism leaves with her? Boo. Boo to you for underestimating the power of Gail.
OBSERVATION #2: I enjoyed how Tom pointed out that Toby Young doesn't know how to cook. It's Padma's job to be the non-chef of the group, and even she has a bunch of cookbooks. That "It's harder than it looks" aside, with a cocked eyebrow showed us that Tom knows how it is. Toby's days are definitely numbered. Good.
Canned Crab: Well, somehow you made me feel sorry for you. All this "but I'm a seafood chef" talk made me realize how misguided you are. And then the phrase "Canned Crab" came screaming back at me, as I realized the reason for your moniker. Apparently, you don't know jack about seafood.
Rainbow Brite: Thanks for reminding us that you were the last remaining member of Team Rainbow (sad - I liked those other dudes). I thought you might be a dark horse and land in the finals with Melonhead. I'm sorry I was wrong. But it makes sense - today's dish didn't have a single scallop or item to be pureed. This just goes to show that nothing good can come of celery. That's why I prefer to focus on cupcakes.
OBSERVATION #3: Did anyone else know that Padma was married to Salman Rushdie? And she had a part in Glitter. God love Wikipedia.
T*ts McGoo: How do you keep dodging these bullets? You QUIT in the middle of a challenge! For the life of me, I can't figure out why you're still around. You're not even giving us Real World fodder. I don't know what miso is (and I spent too much time reading about Padma to bother looking it up) but I'm pretty sure you should know how to use it.
Melonhead: Oh whatever.
OBSERVATION #4: Don't think that I didn't notice the creepy long haired gastro-whatever chef in the previews for next week. The only thing plainer than his Jan Brady look is his milquetoast personality. And with the incorrect use of a fancy word like "milquetoast," (apparently it's a noun and not an adjective - oh well) I'm off to have another cupcake.
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hoo! Hoo! Bad-ow! (Top Chef: Episode 10 recap)
Oh Hootie Hoo - you were in top form this week. I was so close to falling asleep and you brought me back. I was literally cheering for half of the episode. Hootie Hoo!
OBSERVATION #1: Has it always been called the Stew Room? How did I miss that? And why did Pamda say it twice tonight?
Hootie Hoo!: I might as well keep the Hootie love going. The Oats Lady! Creative Monkeys! Meditating with flickering eye movements! Hands up! Bad-ow! God, it was all so beautiful, I managed to forgive you for starting some sort of Top Headband trend during Judges' Table. My favorite thing about tonight (aside from all the hoo-ing) was that I spent every Carla confessional trying to figure out who you reminded me of. And then it hit me - the Road Runner. Hootie Hoo!
OBSERVATION #2: How hot did Padma look in that referee's shirt?
Fabio: OK. You're from a foreign country. I get it. And yes, I cannot stand that 90% of the things you say are completely indecipherable (that's a real number - 9/10 of my notes about you say "What?!") which is often annoying. But the things that I DO understand are what makes me hate you. "Don't make fun of my food." Well, stop making stupid dishes with eggplant - no one likes eggplant. "I think my challenge is to cook something." No, you're going to get points for sparring with Spike. "I could put Monkey Ass on a plate." You said that last week. Do you know so little slang that you have to make it up and repeat it multiple times? You should have gone home this week - not just for your stupid food, but for being a major jerk to the guest judge. And apologizing at the end while stealing Keanu's thunder did not help things. Go away.
OBSERVATION #3: I didn't realize that I missed Nikki (the Human Pasta Machine?) until I saw her. And then after a while, I realize that I didn't miss her at all.
Canned Crab: All I could do was stare at your weird front teeth. Everyone has been talking about it, but tonight was the first night that I noticed it. Oh well - thank you for not dwelling on the whole kissing fiasco this week.
OBSERVATION #4: Someone should tell Toby that he's inside. Because those tinted glasses just make you look like a douche. Oh well - at least the bitchy retorts stayed at home tonight - maybe he forgot his notebook.
Rainbow Brite: Way to make...soup. Yeah, whatever, you didn't puree anything. But you still made soup. And your headband looked stupid. That's all.
OBSERVATION #5:
Keanu: Plates? That's all you could come up with? Plastic plates? I feel bad that you couldn't reign in your creative monkeys. Well, at least you gave everyone one last shirtless shot before you left. Even if it was negated by the sight of your bunkmate.
OBSERVATION #6: Spike's hats are still stupid - is it me or does he look like one of the Von Trapp kids tonight? And the big guy who allows people to call him Chunk? I think he looks like a Garbage Pail Kid.
T*ts McGoo: Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Whatever.
OBSERVATION #7: Is Debbie wearing pants? All I see is Jersey. I miss you, Debbie.
Melonhead: You deserved to be in the bottom three, even if it was "only your first time so you're definitely safe". I doubt it will have any impact on your ego, but at least I had one week of joy.
OBSERVATION #8: Remember Make Me a Supermodel? How they took normal pretty people and made them all high fashion and stuff? The new people look weird right from the start. And not in a good way. And they fired Niki. I'm totally not watching. Not when Idol is just about to get good.
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OBSERVATION #1: Has it always been called the Stew Room? How did I miss that? And why did Pamda say it twice tonight?
Hootie Hoo!: I might as well keep the Hootie love going. The Oats Lady! Creative Monkeys! Meditating with flickering eye movements! Hands up! Bad-ow! God, it was all so beautiful, I managed to forgive you for starting some sort of Top Headband trend during Judges' Table. My favorite thing about tonight (aside from all the hoo-ing) was that I spent every Carla confessional trying to figure out who you reminded me of. And then it hit me - the Road Runner. Hootie Hoo!
OBSERVATION #2: How hot did Padma look in that referee's shirt?
Fabio: OK. You're from a foreign country. I get it. And yes, I cannot stand that 90% of the things you say are completely indecipherable (that's a real number - 9/10 of my notes about you say "What?!") which is often annoying. But the things that I DO understand are what makes me hate you. "Don't make fun of my food." Well, stop making stupid dishes with eggplant - no one likes eggplant. "I think my challenge is to cook something." No, you're going to get points for sparring with Spike. "I could put Monkey Ass on a plate." You said that last week. Do you know so little slang that you have to make it up and repeat it multiple times? You should have gone home this week - not just for your stupid food, but for being a major jerk to the guest judge. And apologizing at the end while stealing Keanu's thunder did not help things. Go away.
OBSERVATION #3: I didn't realize that I missed Nikki (the Human Pasta Machine?) until I saw her. And then after a while, I realize that I didn't miss her at all.
Canned Crab: All I could do was stare at your weird front teeth. Everyone has been talking about it, but tonight was the first night that I noticed it. Oh well - thank you for not dwelling on the whole kissing fiasco this week.
OBSERVATION #4: Someone should tell Toby that he's inside. Because those tinted glasses just make you look like a douche. Oh well - at least the bitchy retorts stayed at home tonight - maybe he forgot his notebook.
Rainbow Brite: Way to make...soup. Yeah, whatever, you didn't puree anything. But you still made soup. And your headband looked stupid. That's all.
OBSERVATION #5:
Keanu: Plates? That's all you could come up with? Plastic plates? I feel bad that you couldn't reign in your creative monkeys. Well, at least you gave everyone one last shirtless shot before you left. Even if it was negated by the sight of your bunkmate.
OBSERVATION #6: Spike's hats are still stupid - is it me or does he look like one of the Von Trapp kids tonight? And the big guy who allows people to call him Chunk? I think he looks like a Garbage Pail Kid.
T*ts McGoo: Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Whatever.
OBSERVATION #7: Is Debbie wearing pants? All I see is Jersey. I miss you, Debbie.
Melonhead: You deserved to be in the bottom three, even if it was "only your first time so you're definitely safe". I doubt it will have any impact on your ego, but at least I had one week of joy.
OBSERVATION #8: Remember Make Me a Supermodel? How they took normal pretty people and made them all high fashion and stuff? The new people look weird right from the start. And not in a good way. And they fired Niki. I'm totally not watching. Not when Idol is just about to get good.
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Monday, January 26, 2009
In Which I Throw My Hands Up
(Top Chef: Episode 9 recap)
Seriously. I am done with all of you people. Stephanie, please come back - and stop appearing in those uncomfortable commericals with chefs that I have never heard of. I don't want to taste their desserts featuring Dr. Pepper, and neither do you.
I'm forgoing the usual format, because I'm just too annoyed.
REAL WORLD: It's nice that two seemingly professional chefs have decided to air their personal lives on tv, in front of the world AND THE PEOPLE THAT THEY'RE CHEATING ON. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when you're laying together on a one person couch and making out, you've crossed the line between "flirting" and "cheating." I'm glad you two were flustered. If Gail knew what was going on, she'd send you home in a heartbeat.
THOUGHT #1: Which reminds me how much I miss Gail. This Douche-y Young appears to speak in soundbites - like he has a list of pithy phrases that he wrote in his Top Chef Notebook on the plane from England and he just pulls one or two out at random each week.
HOOTIE HOO: Please stop messing up. Please? Please?! I'll be sad when you go, just because I no longer like anyone else.
THOUGHT #2: I didn't actually think that Debbie would win, but I thought she had a good chance of Antonia-ing it into the top four.
SWEDISH CHEF: Why was it so hard to just tell your team what you were making for dessert? I wish you weren't such a jerk. But you're clearly the best one in the kitchen. I suppose you should win, just because no one else is competent. And because you're destined to be a head chef somewhere - then everyone will listen to you because they have to, not because you're a poor team player.
THOUGHT #3: This was a pretty lame Restaurant War. Why does someone always insist on food with "Asian flair?"
EVERYONE ELSE: Boo. That's all. Boo.
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I'm forgoing the usual format, because I'm just too annoyed.
REAL WORLD: It's nice that two seemingly professional chefs have decided to air their personal lives on tv, in front of the world AND THE PEOPLE THAT THEY'RE CHEATING ON. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when you're laying together on a one person couch and making out, you've crossed the line between "flirting" and "cheating." I'm glad you two were flustered. If Gail knew what was going on, she'd send you home in a heartbeat.
THOUGHT #1: Which reminds me how much I miss Gail. This Douche-y Young appears to speak in soundbites - like he has a list of pithy phrases that he wrote in his Top Chef Notebook on the plane from England and he just pulls one or two out at random each week.
HOOTIE HOO: Please stop messing up. Please? Please?! I'll be sad when you go, just because I no longer like anyone else.
THOUGHT #2: I didn't actually think that Debbie would win, but I thought she had a good chance of Antonia-ing it into the top four.
SWEDISH CHEF: Why was it so hard to just tell your team what you were making for dessert? I wish you weren't such a jerk. But you're clearly the best one in the kitchen. I suppose you should win, just because no one else is competent. And because you're destined to be a head chef somewhere - then everyone will listen to you because they have to, not because you're a poor team player.
THOUGHT #3: This was a pretty lame Restaurant War. Why does someone always insist on food with "Asian flair?"
EVERYONE ELSE: Boo. That's all. Boo.
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Thursday, January 15, 2009
The More Things Change
(Top Chef: Episode 8 recap)
Yeah, I fell asleep again. But this time I woke up and watched the rest of the episode. So here we are.
OBSERVATION #1: Thank god we opened this episode showing what I'm sure is stock "Keanu getting dressed" footage. It's like we're back in episode one.
Debbie/Jersey/Deviled: Speaking of episode #1, She Who Cannot Be Nicknamed royally sucked again, even when attempting to prepare her signature dish: cooked meat. Personally, I feel bad for Debbie: I had really grown to like her Jersey ways. But this is one instance that TC is so much like Idol. If the people can't figure out who you are as a chef, you're going to get Gina Glocksen-ed right out of the competition. (She was even wearing a New York Native t-shirt, when we all know she's from Jersey. How can you expect us to know you, if you don't know yourself? God, I'm deep this morning.)
OBSERVATION #2: Special love to Padma for sticking up for Debbie with her petulant "She CAN cook" directed at one cranky Brit. "I thought we agreed to judge them on each individual competition." Shut up dumbass. If you're going to judge them fairly each week, don't make broad generalizations like "She can't cook." I miss you, Gayle.
Hootie Hoo!: Oh thank you, Hootie, for coming back. Thank you for your resounding Hoo Hoo!! when Team Chicken won the challenge. And thank you for making the exact same pastry (with special guest Thyme!) that you did weeks ago. (Intelligently done? From Hootie? I'm thinking it was just the way she harnessed all the negative energy - there's nothing intelligent about this bunch.) I'm feeling nostalgic for the beginning of the season already. Or maybe that's because back in the good old days of positive temperatures, I wasn't wearing two pairs of pants.
Fabio: I going to have to stop listening to you talk. The way you don't make anything plural really upsets me. You are not about to "Cook for the farmer." They're farmerS. Just throw an S at the end of the word and you're speaking proper English. Your only saving grace is that I do love how you've come to accept the fact that everyone calls Melonhead your boyfriend. Hilarious. It's like an episode of Boy Meets Boy Meets Lesbian up here.
OBSERVATION #3: Why is there so much hate for "The Heavy Hand of Pesto?"
Canned Crab: If you'd spend less time making googly eyes, maybe you would realize that it's still warm out while you're filming. Grilled lamb (just like DD suggested) would have been totally seasonal. And maybe you would have realized that pounding the lamb into submission was not the best plan. Ganging up on DD is not the way to make me root for you.
Rainbow Brite: Sigh. I can't believe you made soup. Again. Do you know how to do anything except soup and scallops? Any time you try something else we wind up with a mushy bruschetta (and stop saying it like you're from Italy. Just pronounce it brush-etta like everyone else.)
OBSERVATION #4: Was anyone else really hoping that they were going to have to kill and butcher their own animals? Maybe I was feeling a little bloodthirsty last night. Or maybe I wanted something to liven up this incredibly dull season. You know, something that doesn't involve people making out on a couch.
Keanu: I'm going to transcribe my notes word for word, for I can't even be bothered to give you full sentences: Shirt. Snob - pallet of trash? Fish Sauce. Ew. Friend Green Tomatoes. Good movie, better book. "Conk" or "Conch"? And that's all you get today.
T*ts McGoo: Boooooo. Boooooooo. I cannot believe you threw Debbie under the bus. You totally tied all those rolls and they looked like crap. You're still here because the producers came in during Judges' Table and told Padma that she had to keep you because you had a good (?) storyline. I bet Padma also negotiated a rasie in her contract for following those directions, because she does not like you. No one likes you except Canned Crab, and that's not saying much. Booooooo.
OBSERVATION #5: Why does Bravo allow someone to sit there and say the word "Cock" over and over? He's talking about a rooster in the same way that Hooters is talking about owls. Dirty.
India: I love that someone on Team Pork actually had the balls to say "We're not going to cook anything Indian." Which is probably why you didn't do anything. I can imagine you standing next to Fabio and Keanu with your bag of curry with pleading eyes like those labrador puppies someone supposedly rescued from the road (hoax, by the way - check snopes.com). "Now? Can I put the curry in now? Huh? Can I?"
Melonhead: I think it's the creepy way you hold your cigarette (and Bravo only shows you doing that because you're European - this allows housewives in Springfield to feel better about themselves because they quit smoking last year and you heathens are still at it) that makes me dislike you so. Or the way you still clearly have it bad for Rainbow, who makes it very obvious that SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Actually, it's probably because you're bald. There's too much damn bald on this show. Thank god for Keanu and Fabio.
OBSERVATION #6: I'm sure the producers enjoyed Toby's "I would have full blown unprotected sex, maybe even go to first base with that pork." Are bases different in England, because I'm confused. Or maybe it's just foreshadowing to my next observation:
OBSERVATION #7: Before we get all "Real World: Third Time's a Charm in New York," let's pint out that CC was wearing an I Heart Padma t-shirt at the top of the show. Does Padma see that kind of thing, or is it always hidden underneath the chef's jacket in some sort of Feng Shui concealed intentions sort of way? More importantly, why does Bravo keep hinting at the eventual downfall of CC and T*ts' real-life relationships (like they haven't already done it - but next week they'll go to first base!)? Why does T*ts call CC her "buddy?" Was the first word of that nickname edited out? The cooking is clearly so poor this season that we're reduced to this.
If I wanted relationship drama (featuring the T-Mobile Sidekick!!) I'd be watching Tool Academy. And if it were Sunday, you can bet that's exactly what I'd be doing.
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OBSERVATION #1: Thank god we opened this episode showing what I'm sure is stock "Keanu getting dressed" footage. It's like we're back in episode one.
Debbie/Jersey/Deviled: Speaking of episode #1, She Who Cannot Be Nicknamed royally sucked again, even when attempting to prepare her signature dish: cooked meat. Personally, I feel bad for Debbie: I had really grown to like her Jersey ways. But this is one instance that TC is so much like Idol. If the people can't figure out who you are as a chef, you're going to get Gina Glocksen-ed right out of the competition. (She was even wearing a New York Native t-shirt, when we all know she's from Jersey. How can you expect us to know you, if you don't know yourself? God, I'm deep this morning.)
OBSERVATION #2: Special love to Padma for sticking up for Debbie with her petulant "She CAN cook" directed at one cranky Brit. "I thought we agreed to judge them on each individual competition." Shut up dumbass. If you're going to judge them fairly each week, don't make broad generalizations like "She can't cook." I miss you, Gayle.
Hootie Hoo!: Oh thank you, Hootie, for coming back. Thank you for your resounding Hoo Hoo!! when Team Chicken won the challenge. And thank you for making the exact same pastry (with special guest Thyme!) that you did weeks ago. (Intelligently done? From Hootie? I'm thinking it was just the way she harnessed all the negative energy - there's nothing intelligent about this bunch.) I'm feeling nostalgic for the beginning of the season already. Or maybe that's because back in the good old days of positive temperatures, I wasn't wearing two pairs of pants.
Fabio: I going to have to stop listening to you talk. The way you don't make anything plural really upsets me. You are not about to "Cook for the farmer." They're farmerS. Just throw an S at the end of the word and you're speaking proper English. Your only saving grace is that I do love how you've come to accept the fact that everyone calls Melonhead your boyfriend. Hilarious. It's like an episode of Boy Meets Boy Meets Lesbian up here.
OBSERVATION #3: Why is there so much hate for "The Heavy Hand of Pesto?"
Canned Crab: If you'd spend less time making googly eyes, maybe you would realize that it's still warm out while you're filming. Grilled lamb (just like DD suggested) would have been totally seasonal. And maybe you would have realized that pounding the lamb into submission was not the best plan. Ganging up on DD is not the way to make me root for you.
Rainbow Brite: Sigh. I can't believe you made soup. Again. Do you know how to do anything except soup and scallops? Any time you try something else we wind up with a mushy bruschetta (and stop saying it like you're from Italy. Just pronounce it brush-etta like everyone else.)
OBSERVATION #4: Was anyone else really hoping that they were going to have to kill and butcher their own animals? Maybe I was feeling a little bloodthirsty last night. Or maybe I wanted something to liven up this incredibly dull season. You know, something that doesn't involve people making out on a couch.
Keanu: I'm going to transcribe my notes word for word, for I can't even be bothered to give you full sentences: Shirt. Snob - pallet of trash? Fish Sauce. Ew. Friend Green Tomatoes. Good movie, better book. "Conk" or "Conch"? And that's all you get today.
T*ts McGoo: Boooooo. Boooooooo. I cannot believe you threw Debbie under the bus. You totally tied all those rolls and they looked like crap. You're still here because the producers came in during Judges' Table and told Padma that she had to keep you because you had a good (?) storyline. I bet Padma also negotiated a rasie in her contract for following those directions, because she does not like you. No one likes you except Canned Crab, and that's not saying much. Booooooo.
OBSERVATION #5: Why does Bravo allow someone to sit there and say the word "Cock" over and over? He's talking about a rooster in the same way that Hooters is talking about owls. Dirty.
India: I love that someone on Team Pork actually had the balls to say "We're not going to cook anything Indian." Which is probably why you didn't do anything. I can imagine you standing next to Fabio and Keanu with your bag of curry with pleading eyes like those labrador puppies someone supposedly rescued from the road (hoax, by the way - check snopes.com). "Now? Can I put the curry in now? Huh? Can I?"
Melonhead: I think it's the creepy way you hold your cigarette (and Bravo only shows you doing that because you're European - this allows housewives in Springfield to feel better about themselves because they quit smoking last year and you heathens are still at it) that makes me dislike you so. Or the way you still clearly have it bad for Rainbow, who makes it very obvious that SHE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Actually, it's probably because you're bald. There's too much damn bald on this show. Thank god for Keanu and Fabio.
OBSERVATION #6: I'm sure the producers enjoyed Toby's "I would have full blown unprotected sex, maybe even go to first base with that pork." Are bases different in England, because I'm confused. Or maybe it's just foreshadowing to my next observation:
OBSERVATION #7: Before we get all "Real World: Third Time's a Charm in New York," let's pint out that CC was wearing an I Heart Padma t-shirt at the top of the show. Does Padma see that kind of thing, or is it always hidden underneath the chef's jacket in some sort of Feng Shui concealed intentions sort of way? More importantly, why does Bravo keep hinting at the eventual downfall of CC and T*ts' real-life relationships (like they haven't already done it - but next week they'll go to first base!)? Why does T*ts call CC her "buddy?" Was the first word of that nickname edited out? The cooking is clearly so poor this season that we're reduced to this.
If I wanted relationship drama (featuring the T-Mobile Sidekick!!) I'd be watching Tool Academy. And if it were Sunday, you can bet that's exactly what I'd be doing.
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The Bland Leading the Bland
(Top Chef: Episode 7 recap)
Those of you in the theatre know what it means to be in tech week. For this week's episode, it meant that I spent three days starting to watch this episode at 11:30pm and then falling asleep midway through the Quickfire judging. And on those days I wasn't at rehearsal, I was busy getting drunk. (To be fair, I was also drunk on some of the days I did have rehearsal. Ah, theatre.)
But I digress. Just like Bravo's crazy rerun schedule, this recap will appear right before the next recap. And if I really wanted to Bravo it up, maybe I'll post the next note sixteen times over the next week. Or maybe not.
OBSERVATION #1: Why do chefs have so much attitude about desserts? It can't be that hard to make a soup, no matter what Rainbow Brite tells you. But to make a chocolate cake that makes me cry? That's an impressive feat. Suck it up team, and realize that people like dessert. We do not like, however, things with Swiss chard. Or dikon.
Jersey Girl: Damn if you didn't make me thirsty for Dr. Pepper in your QF. But what's a skatewing? Fish don't have wings. Don't start making up food to impress the judges. And if you would stick to one theme, it would make it a lot easier for me to give you a nickname that sticks. Thanks in advance.
Hootie Hoo!: You had me scared, Hootie. I need you and your jazz hands to stick around until at least the top four. I enjoy a nice gremolata as much as the next guy, but pea risotto? No one likes peas. Peas are what you leave on the plate and hide under the rest of your mashed potatoes when you're six and your mom wants you to clean your plate or no dessert for you. I'm 31. Don't make me relive those times. I can have dessert whenever I want now.
OBSERVATION #2: If I were a pastry chef, I would be very happy. And fat. Jean Christophe is neither of these things, which concerns me. Come on man, how about one smile?
Fabio: Don't blame your Quickfire loss on being Italian. Blame it on you being obnoxious.
Samebird: I can't believe you're STILL sticking by last week's dish. No one liked it. Let it go. I also wrote something like "Top Pog? Oh?" in my notes, but I no longer know what that means. Well, you're gone, so it doesn't matter much now anyway, does it?
OBSERVATION #3: I miss Stephanie. It's good to see her - but why is that dude wearing a big yellow hat? Does he think that Steph is Curious George? Does he think he's that one dude from last season who always wore questionable headgear? I don't know what to think of you...and I'm pretty sure Stephanie is not convinced about you either.
Canned Crab: Wow, I wrote down nothing about you. Where are the wistful looks and the sidelong glances? Stop boring me. Give me some drama.
Rainbow Brite: Top Scallop. I love that we were able to use the same quotes from Fabio from last week's episode. BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT! STOP COOKING SCALLOPS! Sorry. I got excited. I do not care that RB finally won. And if I see her go to the cooler and pull out a bag of scallops one more time, I will do something.
OBSERVATION #4: I like that Padma is rocking the scar again. When it finally stops snowing, I'm going to start wearing sleeveless shirts all the time to show mine off, too. And with the condition that it has to stop snowing, I probably won't need to hit up the Hollister store any time soon.
Keanu: You really like sorbet, don't you? I'm skeptical about this whole avocado thing, but I'll go with it because I like ice cream.
T*ts McGoo: All I have for you is a thank you for making strawberries with balsamic. I love balsamic. Put that stuff with some vanilla ice cream, and we're set.
OBSERVATION #5: I was right. Toby Young is a douche. I think he says mean things just to be funny and get attention. And then, as I type that, I look in the mirror. Hm. My hair looks nice today.
Bangs: I was all set to call this Top Scarf or Top Sunglasses, but then you went and made fish tacos. Fish Tacos. (Which are so boring, they're probably a good metaphor for your personality, but I've ruined it by spelling that out. Oh well.) They sell those at Chilis. And while I like Chilis, I do not think their food belongs on Top Chef. So it's probably good that you're gone. Go and have a Presidente and some chips and tacos, and you'll feel better.
India: The problem is that I keep confusing you with the Indian chick from Next Food Network Star. And she was lame. So I kind of think you're lame too. Step it up and stop cooking Indian things.
OBSERVATION #6: Did anyone wonder if Padma and JC were really going to lift all that sugar? I was kind of sad to see them roll it away on a cart. Sigh.
Melonhead: Man, you're not fooling anyone, least of all Jean Christophe. We know you're not French. We know you're not from California. You're starting to sound like James Taylor - always whining about where you're going and where you've been and never satisfied with where you are (and if any of you are JT fans, I don't want to hear it - that dude is lame).
OBSERVATION #7: Technically, I need to be writing another recap right now. So instead of proofreading this one, I'm going to go with Bravo's editing technique and just post it now. How's that for bold?
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But I digress. Just like Bravo's crazy rerun schedule, this recap will appear right before the next recap. And if I really wanted to Bravo it up, maybe I'll post the next note sixteen times over the next week. Or maybe not.
OBSERVATION #1: Why do chefs have so much attitude about desserts? It can't be that hard to make a soup, no matter what Rainbow Brite tells you. But to make a chocolate cake that makes me cry? That's an impressive feat. Suck it up team, and realize that people like dessert. We do not like, however, things with Swiss chard. Or dikon.
Jersey Girl: Damn if you didn't make me thirsty for Dr. Pepper in your QF. But what's a skatewing? Fish don't have wings. Don't start making up food to impress the judges. And if you would stick to one theme, it would make it a lot easier for me to give you a nickname that sticks. Thanks in advance.
Hootie Hoo!: You had me scared, Hootie. I need you and your jazz hands to stick around until at least the top four. I enjoy a nice gremolata as much as the next guy, but pea risotto? No one likes peas. Peas are what you leave on the plate and hide under the rest of your mashed potatoes when you're six and your mom wants you to clean your plate or no dessert for you. I'm 31. Don't make me relive those times. I can have dessert whenever I want now.
OBSERVATION #2: If I were a pastry chef, I would be very happy. And fat. Jean Christophe is neither of these things, which concerns me. Come on man, how about one smile?
Fabio: Don't blame your Quickfire loss on being Italian. Blame it on you being obnoxious.
Samebird: I can't believe you're STILL sticking by last week's dish. No one liked it. Let it go. I also wrote something like "Top Pog? Oh?" in my notes, but I no longer know what that means. Well, you're gone, so it doesn't matter much now anyway, does it?
OBSERVATION #3: I miss Stephanie. It's good to see her - but why is that dude wearing a big yellow hat? Does he think that Steph is Curious George? Does he think he's that one dude from last season who always wore questionable headgear? I don't know what to think of you...and I'm pretty sure Stephanie is not convinced about you either.
Canned Crab: Wow, I wrote down nothing about you. Where are the wistful looks and the sidelong glances? Stop boring me. Give me some drama.
Rainbow Brite: Top Scallop. I love that we were able to use the same quotes from Fabio from last week's episode. BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT! STOP COOKING SCALLOPS! Sorry. I got excited. I do not care that RB finally won. And if I see her go to the cooler and pull out a bag of scallops one more time, I will do something.
OBSERVATION #4: I like that Padma is rocking the scar again. When it finally stops snowing, I'm going to start wearing sleeveless shirts all the time to show mine off, too. And with the condition that it has to stop snowing, I probably won't need to hit up the Hollister store any time soon.
Keanu: You really like sorbet, don't you? I'm skeptical about this whole avocado thing, but I'll go with it because I like ice cream.
T*ts McGoo: All I have for you is a thank you for making strawberries with balsamic. I love balsamic. Put that stuff with some vanilla ice cream, and we're set.
OBSERVATION #5: I was right. Toby Young is a douche. I think he says mean things just to be funny and get attention. And then, as I type that, I look in the mirror. Hm. My hair looks nice today.
Bangs: I was all set to call this Top Scarf or Top Sunglasses, but then you went and made fish tacos. Fish Tacos. (Which are so boring, they're probably a good metaphor for your personality, but I've ruined it by spelling that out. Oh well.) They sell those at Chilis. And while I like Chilis, I do not think their food belongs on Top Chef. So it's probably good that you're gone. Go and have a Presidente and some chips and tacos, and you'll feel better.
India: The problem is that I keep confusing you with the Indian chick from Next Food Network Star. And she was lame. So I kind of think you're lame too. Step it up and stop cooking Indian things.
OBSERVATION #6: Did anyone wonder if Padma and JC were really going to lift all that sugar? I was kind of sad to see them roll it away on a cart. Sigh.
Melonhead: Man, you're not fooling anyone, least of all Jean Christophe. We know you're not French. We know you're not from California. You're starting to sound like James Taylor - always whining about where you're going and where you've been and never satisfied with where you are (and if any of you are JT fans, I don't want to hear it - that dude is lame).
OBSERVATION #7: Technically, I need to be writing another recap right now. So instead of proofreading this one, I'm going to go with Bravo's editing technique and just post it now. How's that for bold?
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